Okay...I am totally naive. I've been married a long time. Happily most of it. Safely up until now. I don't remember what it was like to be a teenager anymore and have not really kept up on precautions, other than to think to myself that it sure must be tough to be single and sexually active these days.

Can someone here give me fast advice? I can see my doctor but that will take a few days.

H and I are reconciling. He's had a 6-month A (wow...and I thought it just started in August). I am going to tell him today that I need him to have STD testing because even if he is willing to take the chance of sleeping with everyone OW has ever slept with, I'm not. (Suspect this will be a bit of an eye-opener for him.)

But...what needs to be done? Anyone already know of a thread on this? Can we kiss? Will I get STDs from that? Is protected intercourse safe?

See why I feel like a naive teenager?

Thanks for sharing!

Some STDs can be caught WITH condom use. HPV (genital warts, not always visible but can cause cancer), Hepatitis, and pubic lice come to mind. And HIV can stay undetected in the system for 6 months, so he'll have to be retested at the end of that time. I know at least one form of Hepatitis can be passed by kissing. So can mono, but that's not a huge issue. I'm sure there are other posters here who can provide more information. You're being very smart to be concerned about this.

Thanks Dobie! Fear makes me smart. I've had lots of health issues and am not willing to compromise myself. This is the hardest part for me about the PA...

I'll tell you a funny story. My sister is a doc and so is her H. His EA was mostly on-line but they had been together in the same physical location for a period of time so my sister was not sure whether anything physical had happened.

So one morning as she was going into work she said: do I need to have myself tested for STDs? She said the look on his face was worth a lot of the pain she'd suffered! He hadn't even considered that!!! But it also told her that he was telling the truth when he very gratefully said...NO! (Horror in his voice...)

Sadly, I know my H will not have even considered having had his "good" friend tested for STDs before sleeping with her...

That's one of those bitterly ironic moments. When WS is shocked/horrified that you could even suspect them of having an STD and that you don't feel safe from them. Let us know how the discussion goes. Be prepared that he may defend OW as not being "that kind of woman" or other nonsense. Don't take claims that he wore a condom as evidence that he's safe. Don't let it escalate into a fight about her morals.

Thanks again Dobie...that's very good advice. I am trying very hard not to LB at all, which that would have been -- ie. fighting about her morals because she doesn't have any!(former friend) But he's unlikely to agree with me there. Anyhow, I unfortunately know way too much about who she's slept with in the past few years...

Since you know who she has slept with before your husband, maybe you can find out if she, or any of her previous partners other sexual partners (Geez <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )have had cervical cancer. This cancer is usually caused by the sexually transmitted disease, hpv, mentioned earlier--which is extremely contagious. This "high risk" type of hpv does not cause warts, but cell changes in tissues which eventually develop into cancer--can be cervical cancer in women and rarely, penile cancer in men.
Fortunately, just because you have been exposed to this type of hpv, you may not develop cervical cancer. Many women's immune systems can fight this off. But it is worth mentioning to the doctor and keeping your immune system strong.
Std's are very very real, and can have devastating effects on a marriage. You are doing right in educating yourself and your husband, and in getting tested.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

Thanks for the heads-up Want2shine. Wow. You sound like you've been through a very rough time. Glad to hear you are in recovery now...you must be a very strong woman!

And in a rare event on this board, I should apologize to my H now! (Imagine having less than charitable thoughts about a WS!!!)

He did indeed check for STDs before sleeping with her, and asked for proof to boot. I guess he wasn't as foggy as I thought (or as enamored as she thought). Which makes having the A worse in some ways but I digress...

In any case, he respects my wishes and will be tested.

So I apologize for being cynical. Guess this is my first recovery step?

Thanks again Dobie because I made it clear that despite his checking on her recent STD result, when I asked him to be tested I was not questioning his intelligence or veracity. I simply asked if he thought that I had any reason to trust her?

This ended the discussion without LBing!

awed,

Wow. You mean he had SOME common sense during his A? (Sorry, I'm cynical today.)

Also, I'd want to know which STD's she was tested for specifically. There's a heck of a lot of them out there.

Dobie

Dear Awed,

Keep in mind that there is no "proof" for HPV. I have had several strains of it over the course of my H's unknown (to me) affairs. You can carry them in your body for years and they can flare up at any time (so I thought that I had contracted them before I got married). Usually your body's immune system will overcome it in time and you will no longer have symptoms of that particular strain. I am currently battling a new one, but fortunately, not the one that can cause cervical cancer. My H has never showed ANY symptoms. There IS a new test out there for Herpes, called Herpes Select and there is one called Western Blot. Those are the ONLY two accurate blood tests for Herpes (HSV). Also, even they are accurate ONLY after 90 days past the last sexual encounter. It takes that long for the antibodies to show up in the blood. Typically you are not tested for herpes unless you have herpes or herpes like lesions and then they are cultured.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It's been a nightmare for me.

Stillwed

Let's hope your H is not lying. Mine said he used condoms and they both gave each other the "okay" re being tested. NOT!!!

There are actually a LOT of STDs out there and there is no BLANKET test for all. You have to get specific tests done for specific STDs. For example, the HIV test. HPV has a lot of strains in and of itself. Herpes might not show up and be dormant.

It's just not cool period to have an A and even more uncool NOT to use condoms!

I'm a germ-a-phobe to begin with so just the thought TURNS MY STOMACH!

I am new here. My ex-husband gave me herpes the first time that we made love. How nice, huh? I stayed with him for 13 years. We got divorced and I started dating an old boyfriend. I told him about the herpes and he understood. It was easy to tell him because I've known him so long. We were together 4 years and he never got the herpes from me. Now, I would like to start dating someone, but I am terrified to tell him about the disease. I would really love some advice on how to tell my new friend. I'm afraid it will scare him off. Please help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Being a nurse I can at least offer some advice on this topic, if nothing else!

There are many different types and tests for STD's. Some STD's like HPV do have many different strains. OD those strains, some people exhibit obvious symptoms (ie: genital warts) whereas some people remain asymptomatic while the STD lies dormant.

Just because there are no symptoms does not mean there is no STD, nor does it mean the STD is not able to be spread.

STD's are more common then peopel think...many people walk around harbouring them without even ever knowing it.

I would suggest that you get tested for all possible STD's to give yourself a clear bill of health, and peace of mind.

Sally.

Wow, a fitting reminder that the ideal is monogamous sex with a partner you love.