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I found myself attracted to someone on a business trip 7 weeks ago, I avoided the situation. Made the mistake of hooking up for dinner with this individual when I went back into town. We shared several long sensual kisses,didn't have sex. We are both married. We have kept in touch over past several weeks, as friends. Try to keep telling myself this is not the start of an affair or is it? How can you tell if the other person has done this before and you are the next victim?
I can't help but see him again, but afraid that it may go further next time.
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Sounds like you may have started an emotional affair. But I'd say it's an affair affair when whatever you're doing, you can't tell your spouse about it. Do you fear you may actually make it physical?
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How do you know? Well probably the minute you have to start lying about it. Which for you, has probably long since past. When you began sharing intimate details about your life with this person or kept meetings and conversations a secret....the emotional affair began. When you touched inappropriately...the physical affair began. You are involved in an affair. Even if it turns out that this man is sincere about his feelings for you...you have both all ready proven that you are not trustworthy. How can you ever trust each other when your relationship begins by being untrustworthy? It's a tender trap.
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Please be strong and stay away from him! I wish someone would have reached out and pulled me back before I got involved with OM. It has lead to heartache and withdrawal/depression. Nothing good can come out of this, someone always gets hurt.
You have already let this OM elevate your ENs. Any further contact will lead to a full blown A. I know because I was a FWS. I thought I could be friends with an XBF. I have regretted everything of what I was doing.
Please don't make the same mistake a lot of us have! Good luck to you!
No1
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Yes, very afraid it will become physical, it almost did twice. Once the first time we met and the second time when I came to town. Convenience was the issue and reason it didn't become physical. I know this person is attracted to me as much as I am attracted to him, but I have a strange feeling he has done this before. We have alot in common, when we talk we keep things at a friendship/professional level. But when we see each other you can tell there are sparks, I think we are both fighting this, not sure what to do at this point.
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The affair has started, and it started before the kisses. The more opportunities you have to see him the deeper your involvement will be. What does it matter if this is his first or last affair and if you are his "next victim"? The answer is yes to all of the above. There are more important questions you should be asking yourself at this point. What is missing at home?
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Kissing IS PHYSICAL. Unless you are the Bill Clinton type who applies the label of infidelity ONLY to penetration. Wake up!!! You are involved in a physical affair. If you don't believe me....imagine how your H will view it.
<small>[ October 06, 2003, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>
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I don't know how convenient this OM is for you but if you can at all avoid him- you should. I can't lecture to you what you're doing is wrong b/c I myself am in an A right now and struggling to come out. I want to feel as others here do and heed their warnings but I am in so deep right now it's very difficult. If nothing else, at least I still have the desire to do what's right, now if only I could put some action behind that want! Don't do it! I doubt very much you will be able to stop after" just one time". The lure of an A it's really like a drug and VERY hard to come off of!
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Verbatim:
I had to respond to this.
You are having an emotional and a physical affair. Things can go one of two ways now - you can escalate it to "penetration" (sounds pretty unloving, put in that term, doesn't it? It is!), or you can end it before things get so much worse.
Escalating isn't a sane option.
Ending it will require that you tell your husband what's happened, all of it. It will also require that you end all contact with this other man. All of it. Don't even give him the satisfaction of any kind of explanation whatsoever. You owe that to your husband, so if he wants you to write a "no contact letter" with HIM, signed by both of you, to the other man, then do that.
End this now, you'll regret the alternative for the rest of your life.
-Qfwfq
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Star-Fish and everyone, thanks so much for the reply. I think the first step is admitting that what I have done so far is wrong. I would like to think this person has true feelings for me also, but lets face it, probably not. He doesn't appear to be unhappy in his marriage, I haven't asked. Although he has asked me lots of questions about mine. I guess distance is my advantage, we both live in different states, so it becomes more difficult to carry on an affair.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>"I would like to think this person has true feelings for me also"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? What possible good would come of it if his feelings for you were true? Would it make having an affair right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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No, it doesn't justify it or make it right, I know that my life has been a complete mess for the past 4 weeks. I can't imagine that this could get worst. I was attracted to this person because he made me feel attractive, which is something my H hasn't done lately. I have talked to my H about what I am missing, but he doesn't get it. I have considered marriage counceling, hoping that having a 3rd party to mediate will help us understand what each other is missing out of the marriage.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Verbatim:
I would like to think this person has true feelings for me also, but lets face it, probably not.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would like to think that it has crossed your mind that there is a woman/wife who may have her heart broken if she knew what you were doing with her husband.
How much does that matter to you?
Pep
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Verbatim you would be surprised what a wake up call an affair is for a negligent spouse. If you keep hiding your affair from your H then it won't be long before you and the OM have intercourse and you'll be totally hooked. Is that what you want? [sorry I don't mean to play prosecutor here but this is a question that you need answer to your own satisfaction]
<small>[ October 06, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>
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Your right, I have thought about that, not only his wife but also his kids. I didn't ask for this to happen and I am trying so hard to find the strength to stop it from going farther. I didn't initiate contact, I fought it. Originally saw him as just another male friend until he took it to another level. I don't understand why a married man with kids would risk that..
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Verbatim:
I don't understand why a married man with kids would risk that..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">for fun and because it makes him feel desirable
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Please, Please, Please listen to me. I am very deeply involved in an EA and PA. I cannot stress to you enough how painful this is. You are definitly in an EA and as far as Im concerned kissing makes it physical. The minute me and OM kissed it was all over. I knew something was different. It was no longer something I thought about...I had done it. I am now in love with this person and am struggling daily with it. My entire life has changed..nothing is the same anymore. The only thing I can tell you is to stop all contact with om before it gets worse. I am five months in to my A now. Again...Please stop now..I dont care how good it feels, nothing is worth your entire life changing. I am not the wife, mother or friend that I was before. My life is literally revolving around my A. Good luck!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Verbatim:
<strong>I don't understand why a married man with kids would risk that..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand why a married woman would contribute to that risk as well.
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Verbatim ~ A truly GOOD & WORTHWHILE married man with kids WOULD NOT risk that!!! Think about this very very carefully. This guy is neither good nor worthwhile if he's playing with you like this.
You've got incredible things to lose...FOREVER!!! You've got absolutely nothing permanent to gain, ever!
RUN! And I mean run away from this predator as fast as you possibly can. Don't ever look back, ever!
As a broken hearted victim of an affair, that's the best advice I could ever give you.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Verbatim:
<strong>I don't understand why a married man with kids would risk that..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because there is another woman (a married one in fact) that is allowing him to realize it.
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