In about a week and a half will be mine and my husbands 12th anniversary. A year ago last March he told me that he cheated on me. An to top it off it was with someone that was concidered family. The thing is that he told me about a year and a half ago but he had done it 8 years before that. The funny thing is as far as I am concered it could have happened the week he told me. I was as hurt as if it had. We have two kids, girl 7 and boy 10, so we stayed together. I am still having problems though. I want to know two things. 1. Should I be over it already, 1 1/2 years after (or 9 1/2 years depending on how you look at it.) 2. They slept together twice, in about a two week time, so is it an affair or is it just cheating or is there even a difference. I am still very heart broken, but we don't talk about it. Is there anybody out there that has gone through something simmilar and knows if that feeling will ever go away. Thanks for listening.

Jilted Woman

P.S. By the way I am not the best speller in the world if you have not already figured that out. I am lost without spell check!!!

jilted woman, you should get over it when you DO get over it. There is no magic time formula. That being said, you have the ADDED betrayal of a spouse who lied to you for 8 years. That is a double betrayal.

Your kalidescope probably shifted dramatically when you look back and see your life through a TRUTHFUL LENS. What a huge shock for you!

Is he now telling you the truth and answering all your questions to your satisfaction? Is the OW still in your lives? Those are things that are key to your recovery. Those, and for him to follow the 4 Rules of Protection.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? I would suggest getting it as soon as you can and maybe also looking into some marriage counseling. Sorry you are here!

And yes, it is cheating and it was an affair.

First, to reassure you, yes, it is perfectly normal to feel sort of like it happened the week he told you, and for the time between the event and the telling to make things worse for you.

Secondly, affair recovery does not have a set time-line, and it's not really about how much time it takes as it is about what you do in that time. Reading "Surviving An Affair" together, discussing it after each chapter, and doing ALL the included questionnaires and exercises will get you a long way down the path to healing. Beyond that, there are some additional resources described in the link in my signature line.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by jilted woman:
I am still very heart broken, but we don't talk about it.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry your heart has been broken.

Why don't you and your H talk about your continued pain and hurt? He needs to know.

Who was the OW .... an "almost family" member ....? Is she still in your circle of social events?

How much respect is your h demonstrating toward you now?

Pep

I am so sorry to hear of your pain, I hope that you and your H will be able to sit down and discuss it together. I am sure the OW means nothing to him anyway. Maybe the OW pursued him. Not sure if that helps, but good luck.

I thank all of you for your suggestions. I haven't really done anything. My family doesn't even know. I figured it was easier that way. The OW was like an Aunt to my husband growing up and when we were married became one to me. The hard part about that is that we have gotten together socialy since the A. Not since I found out, although I have seen her once since then. I don't get it how can you have an A with someones husband and then act like nothing has happeded when you see them. I asked that question to my H also, but he couldn't give me an answer. The time I saw her after I knew, we were living with my mother-in-law waiting for our house to be built. Anyways I went in my bedroom when I saw he drive up and told my sister-in-law that I didn't want to see her. She of course doesn't know why. the OW tracked me down in my bedroom and acted like she was my best friend. I didn't do anything. I just froze. In hind sight I wish I would have ripped her head off!!!

My husbands excuse for the whole thing is that he was going through a rought time in his life and he really didn't know what he was doing. He said of course it ment nothing. I'm sure it didn't but it hurt just the same. And it hurt that he felt he couldn't come to me about it he went to her. You would have to know her, but sex is a sport to her so I do think that she just did it and didn't care that he was married.

You are right too about the 8 years of lies. I have had friends that have been cheated on and I used to tell myself "I will never have to worry about that, my H would never do that to me". What a fool I was. He fooled me for 8 years. He said that he just couldn't tell me. Well I will have to tell you I wish he never did. I think that he did it to get it off of his chest, but now I have to deal with something I do not deserve.

I have to tell you that I feel so disconected from my husband that I want to connect with someone else. Not for PA but for EA, which I know is just as bad. I have not. I dont even have anybody in mind. But I need something that I just don't feel from him anymore. How can I get over this so I don't go out and do something stupid?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by jilted woman:
My family doesn't even know. I figured it was easier that way.

Easier for the affair to happen and to continue .... sometimes "easier" is not smarter!!! Why not do what may be difficult but is certainly smarter. You will be smart to protect your marrriage. Hiding is just not smart.

The OW was like an Aunt to my husband growing up and when we were married became one to me. The hard part about that is that we have gotten together socialy since the A. Not since I found out, although I have seen her once since then. I don't get it how can you have an A with someones husband and then act like nothing has happeded when you see them.

Because YOU did not talk about it .... and this made it "EASIER" .... because both of you were pretending...

I asked that question to my H also, but he couldn't give me an answer. The time I saw her after I knew, we were living with my mother-in-law waiting for our house to be built. Anyways I went in my bedroom when I saw he drive up and told my sister-in-law that I didn't want to see her. She of course doesn't know why. the OW tracked me down in my bedroom and acted like she was my best friend. I didn't do anything.

Because you are doing "easier" .... not smarter not more honest ... just "easier" and requiring less courage from you.

I just froze. In hind sight I wish I would have ripped her head off!!!

No, just be honest and tell her you know.

My husbands excuse for the whole thing is that he was going through a rought time in his life and he really didn't know what he was doing.

How does this protect you or your M from future problems next time when your H feels a little lost?

He said of course it ment nothing.

So he did this hurtful thing .... and there was no purpose? It meant SOMETHING .... and unless your H figures out what it means ... he is at risk for repeating!

I'm sure it didn't but it hurt just the same. And it hurt that he felt he couldn't come to me about it he went to her. You would have to know her, but sex is a sport to her so I do think that she just did it and didn't care that he was married.

You are right too about the 8 years of lies. I have had friends that have been cheated on and I used to tell myself "I will never have to worry about that, my H would never do that to me". What a fool I was. He fooled me for 8 years.

But it "meant" nothing !!!! This is crap! Don't swallow.

He said that he just couldn't tell me. Well I will have to tell you I wish he never did. I think that he did it to get it off of his chest, but now I have to deal with something I do not deserve.

And deal with it means getting to the meaning of it... which means bringing it out in the open

Pep

The OW was like an Aunt to my husband growing up and when we were married became one to me. The hard part about that is that we have gotten together socialy since the A. Not since I found out, although I have seen her once since then. I don't get it how can you have an A with someones husband and then act like nothing has happeded when you see them.

Because YOU did not talk about it .... and this made it "EASIER" .... because both of you were pretending...

Pep,

I didn't know at the time that they had, had an affair. I was not pretending. I didn't know. They were the ones pretending

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: jilted woman ]</small>

So, call her up and tell her that you know about the A, and tell her that she is not to come near you.

I was talking about the time you described when you knew about the A, and you went into the bedroom to avoid her .... and she followed you acting like your friend.

Tell her she is no longer a person you can trust, and to leave you alone.

How are you going to heal from this???? Get educated. Have you read "Torn Asunder" ? It's a great book. Also "Surviving An Affair" is a great book.

Read one or both with your H.... don't just "accept" this, learn from this how to make this less likely to re-occur. This needs to be processed and understood ..... affairs have "meaning" .... read those books and figure out what the meaning was of this particulat affair.

Good luck and God bless....

Pep

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

My H just told me that he wants to go away for the weekend of our anniversary to real nice resort. I DON'T WANT TO GO! I just don't feel like our marriage means what it is supposed to anymore.

I totally hear you Pep, but I am scared to bring it up. He has gotten over it and thinks I have too. Don't ask me why I don't want to bring it up and why I am protecting him because I don't know. I don't think that he would do the books. I have just burried this and it is tearing me up inside. I am in a lost state right now.

I don't feel the same but I don't want to leave him either. I don't know what I want. I have 2 kids and I can not raise them on my own. I am a banker but I can not make enough money to support all three of us. I know that, that is a sorry excuse for staying together, but I don't know what else to do.

She has been out of our lives for a year now so I really do not want to call her and bring her back in. As I said I know I am totally going to self distuct, but I just don't know what to do. I am protecting everyone involved but me.

Well, we went out of town for our Annivarsary. It was actually pretty nice. At midnight on our annivarsary, under the stars, he asked me to marry him again. I always felt that this was important because all of the things marriage stood for I didn't feel any more. The thing is, is that I feel like if we are going to "start over" then I need to let go of the past. That has been a struggle for me, because in my mind letting go means that I am saying it is ok and I am opening up myself for it to happen again. That scares me. I would like to think that it would never happen again like he says, but you would have to know my husband, I never thought it would have happened in the first place. If there was going to be someone that would have an affair in our marriage it would have been me and that was never going to happen. Any advice on whether I am just being pariniod(?) or whether I have a real issue.

Sorry to hear about your story Jilted Woman.

You definitely need to talk about it with him and figure out where things went wrong or you are just setting yourself up for future failures.

Understanding the why's and how's helps to get things figured out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if we are going to "start over" then I need to let go of the past</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a difference between letting go and forgiving him for it. While we should concentrate on what lies ahead, we need to occassionally look back and learn from our past.

In due time you will eventually be over it, but don't just ignore it or like you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">letting go means that I am saying it is ok and I am opening up myself for it to happen again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There needs to be consequences/boundaries. You need to do things to affair proof your marriage. Reading the concepts on this site, reading the books and marriage counseling are all part of the process. You will be able to tell his sincerity by his actions.

Jilted, no matter how long ago, you just found out and that makes it new to you! Same as if it just happened last night or yesterday.
You are deserving of all the details you want answered. And yes, it was an A. Even a ONS is unfaithful to the nth degree.
There are different types of A's. Short ones, long ones, those that mean nothing to them. HA, and in depth romantic ones, etc.
Doesn't matter how many times they were together, may as well have been years. Pain is pain and it's the same no matter.
It's betrayal of the worst kind.
And if he has made light of it, then he's not to be trusted until he realizes the damage done.
They say didn't mean anything, etc. Well, why did they do it then?
It meant something. It meant I'm interested in sex with this person enough to harm my spouse and risk my marriage! Plain and simple. They know it and we know it. That's what hurts so much is the risking losing is like saying you don't mean anything to me!
You can heal, but you need to never trust 100%. Just trust but verify. Because my H kept details of an A that was supposed to have been drunken ONS, from me for 18 yrs! Then it came out to be a A that lasted weeks or few months. Then tried to tell me sex only 3 times? Well, I remember him not answering his phone nights while he worked away from home during week And I remember him not wanting to drive 90 miles home on weekends. So I will never believe anything but that they were together on a regular basis most nights of week.
WS's lie, even when they try to make you think they are being truthful. They sugar coat it.
Mine had 2 A's in 23 yrs. The last one was the worst and after getting on bended knee before God vowing to never again if forgiven.
Don't accept excuses of didn't know or lost and looking for self. It was a choice pure and simple. And until and unless a WS realizes the depth of deception, fully understands the pain, they will expect us to just move on. NO big deal.
That is a problem area because it makes it seem as though it can happen again and no big deal.
You have to love yourself and make the situation clear of how you feel. Also that you will not be able to forget without help.
And he has to recognize the perfidy of his actions. Not talking about it will cause you to repress your feelings until you blow later on. I did after 18 yrs and counselor said like a volcano. You have to talk about it whether he likes it or not. You're entitled.
Of course, this is my opinion and from experience. But! If mine had paid a price earlier, he might have avoided his second A.
WE'll never know. But the BS is not the one who should be paying the price in pain and suck it up!
Demand how you are to be treated. Do not grovel thinking you did anything wrong. YOU DIDN'T!
Tough words I suppose, but true ones!
LouLou

Lou Lou,

Yes tough words but very true and you have given me alot to think about. Thank You

Eduard,

Thank you for your words also.

JW