Dear Rose,
I was just expressing feelings that I have. Somehow by posting an e-mail that will never be sent or read by OW helps me to vent. I know she'll never read it because she isn't interested in what is wrong in her relationship with her H. Her way of solving her problem is to go out and have an A... she's had several. My feelings are real and I have admitted to them to my w. I have also expressed to my W that I want to rid myself of those old feelins and replace or rebuild the ones I have for her. She is the one that deserves and desires my full attention and love

Feelin guilty,

It should be yours and my goal to do what I said above. We should not settle for anything less for them. We somehow allowed ourselves to be taken away from our S and I truly believe that we can be brought back with the help of others, counseling, this board, others and prayer too... back to where we belong. We cannot settle for less than that. We owe it to ourselves and to our S and families.

You guys, anyone who's still attached to the OP and hurting...

Just keep doing the right thing. When you decide to stay in your marriage, you have to get behind that decision. It doesn't "feel" good but it is what you have decided so be true to yourself and the marriage and stick with it.

Don't let feelings sabatoge what you know is right. That is what got you into the affair in the first place.

Terminator,
Thank you for those words. I do not trust my own emotions. I know it was my emotions that got me into trouble. I try to lean on the sound judgements of those that are able to think clearly, our MFC, books we have read, my wife and God. One day I might be able to "walk again" but I must remain close to those who are really important in my life for stability.
H

Hiker,

You are walking just fine. But this is a good time for you to learn or be reminded that you need someone to guide you. Hopefully you have God.

Emotions are not to be trusted, that's true. But if you can get to a point where you can feel them and honor them and own them (instead of the other way around) it's a lot different.

Who can say where your journey will take you...but be guided by belief, not emotion.

Hiker, all the things in your letter is letting her know you still have feelings, like do you ever ? like I do?
If you're going to make your marriage work, this is not going to help.
I do hope you're not sending the letter whether OW would read it or not.
If I had to guess from this letter, you are hoping to reunite with her.
Want to know what the things she said meant? Like waiting for you all my life? Same as my H told me about his comments to OW when he wrote her he was counting days until their next trip to see each other and he just wanted it to be forever. I offered him divorce so he can make it forever with her.
Know what he said about the comments? They were all Bullsh--! Made to fluff her feathers and get what he wanted to try.
Most WS and OP are full of it, saying things they do not mean other than a momentary speil!
If you want your marriage, you won't get it until you can truthfuly say OW is nothing to you at all.
Unless your Wife is ok with sharing. Even feelings are being unfaithful. If she's anything like me, and many women are, I just as soon have my H walk and stay gone than share any feelings. If I can't have the total package, I am not settling for less.
Rip the letter to shreds or burn it as a symbolic jesture of getting rid of OW for good.
Who cares what she's thinking and feelings? YOU sure shouldn't!
LouLou

Lou lou
Posting the letter here is my attempt to "get rid of it" as you say. It is my attempt of empting my mind of these thoughts. I feel that if I write them down I no longer have to remember them. If the heat is turned on by some of the people posting on this board then it will help to burn it up. Would you like to bring some marshmallows(sp?)? I bet there are others who have letters to burn... we could have smores....actually here in CA we better cool the fire and just do it symbolicaly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just as soon have my H walk and stay gone than share any feelings. If I can't have the total package, I am not settling for less. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yup I think I have heard similar words coming from my wife. I want her to have the whole package... I am desperate to make it presentable. I really am and that's no bulls@#$t

Hey Hiker, we're in Southern CA too! Up in high desert and can see flames licking over by the pass. Lot of smoke but so far going south which is unusual for this area. Wind usually comes from the southwest blowing northeast.
And BTW, I even wrote letters and buried them. LOL My pain being buried is how I felt. But it didn't erase it all. Just helped.
Good for you to write it all out here. Get rid of it and then? How about write letters to your wife? Naming all her positive qualities?
And write out one for you about what you admire about yourself!
Write out what you don't like about you and bury that one!
Reject the negative and accentuate the positive!
Keep going and shedding the baggage, you'll feel lighter and happier!
LouLou

Hi Lou lou

I have been wondering about all this talk, especially about the OW. If I avoided talking about her and especially my feelings it was easier and less painful. When my wife wanted to talk about her or ask questions about the A I wouldn't answer for the most part or gave a quick answer to avoid talking about the OW. I didn't want to be reminded of her. Now I am trying to be open about it and some here have been critical of me for feeling so strongly about the OW. I remain determined to make it through this maze no matter how many walls I bump my head on.

H
My bro is on a work assignment in Palmdale (I think thats H desert)

Felinguilty,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG... as a FWS.. i am experiencing some of the same withdrawals </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep struggeling with these ... right now I just want to call OW but know I can't it will only continue the pain

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know for a fact, that the A was wrong, but everything about while i was in felt so right... Foolish of me i know....
I guess because of the fact that I am still emotionally attached to the OM, then it would explain why I can't emotionally attach to my H </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been walkin through this stuff too

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is hurting alot because of how sad and depressed (depressing) I am... and I won't allow him in to help me. Sometimes... I just want the OM to call me and ask me how i'm doing.... but I know that would just put us back to square one and delay the healing process. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tink my W would like to help me off a clif somewhere... we don't want to delay the healing process... I'm ready to be healed aren't you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When does the pain and emotional attachment end and how do i start to develop that with my H again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES YES metoooo

Hello guys,
Even though the title of this thread is "No where to turn".. I do have places that I can go, to seek help and I am grateful for them.
Trusting others has been an issue for me and unfortunately I found myself not trusting anyone with what was going on within me. I realize now that I have many resources. My W is the first person I go to share even though it is scary for me to do so. It isn't that she is the "evil one" the "evil one" is within me. I could go to the OW because in many ways I was annonomys... there was no one that would find out my "secrets". Since she was so willing to listen to me in a non-judgemental way I developed first an EA. "Telling all" was a freedom I rarely allowed myself. Even though I had others to turn to I wouldn't/couldn't because of my own fear.
H

Hiker,

you have every reason to feel prowd about yourself!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Opening up to others is surely not an easy thing to do at least not for everyone.
I can understand you completely.

take care
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
bb

Whenever I think I am going to write a post I chicken out and end up erasing it, but I always seem to find another post that says exactly what I am going through, and this time I had to post because the feeling expressed here is just what I am going through too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Each day I arrive at work and hope that there will be a message,e-mail or phone, from OW even though I know there will be none. I know that it is for the best that there aren't any messages </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did have to block OM from my email, although I still look for his car at places where I know he may be and still jump when the phone rings, hoping it's him when I know it's not and know that it's best that it's not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ". My delema is that I have told my w that the A is over but it isn't over in my heart.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure my husband thinks that it's over, he has no idea that I think of OM every minute of every day. We are both not good at communicating and we are both conflict avoiders. But in the meantime I am going crazy.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want this all to end and I know it can only get worse with OW still on my mind and heart yet I do not want to push her out
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so true. I want all the pain of missing OM to stop and I want to quit obsessing about him, but I can't. It's like I know what I'm supposed to do to make things better, but I know that when I do, it is really going to be the end and I just can't seem to let go. It seems so final.

bump

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

FB,

We have to visit this board often. I think of myself as an alcoholic and when I need a drink I will call my sponser. When I feel like I have to call OW I come here read and post. I remember the devastation my W has gone through and know that I can't let that happen again to her. In our last conversation OW said to me "we've caused eachother enough pain". You have to look at it that way. We have been through enough pain and going back to them is only going to prolong the healing process. I really don't think it will ever be "over". Right or wrong we opened our hearts to someone and I don't think we ever really stop loving them. We have to grieve over the loss and know, we really do know, that it is best for us, our spouses and our families. If we in fact loved that OP we have to hope that they will rebuild heir life too.

Thanks Hiker, I know that what you're saying is right. My biggest problem is I keep wondering if OM is going through as much heartache as I am and I can't help wondering if he is seeing someone else and that is just eating me alive. I mean I know he has to go on with his life, and I knew that he would probably find someone else eventually but there was a woman that he worked with when we were involved that I suspected was attracted to him, (she is married also, not happily I don't think), and although he kept telling me they were just friends and that he wasn't interested in her in any other way, I just can't stop having these thoughts of them together and sometimes I just feel that I need to know because that would make me believe that he wasn't honest with me when we were together and maybe that would make it easier for me to put him out of my mind if I knew that. When I think that he may be just having a gay ole time, while I'm sitting here agonizing over this whole thing it makes me nuts. I just want to know. I have come so close to calling him or going to see him at his work just to find out what's going on with him, but then I get scared, and I really don't want to start from square one in the healing process again, but yet sometimes I think if I knew somethings it would be easier to get on with my life. Do you know what I mean?

FB.

I've had the same feelings about the OW. We play these games with ourselves and they are totaly non if not counter productive. If he is hurting like you would that really make you feel better? I don't think you really want that. If he has moved on and is havig a "gay ole time" won't that put you into a greater tail spin?

Your husband deserves all your attention. I know that it is too soon to feel those things for him that you once did but I believe under the layers you and I have built up over our hearts that love still exsists. We both have to understand what is missing and how these other people filled in that void. As much time and effort that we were willing to put into these A's we can put into our own marriages. The return will be far greater than the pain we are suffering right now.

Near where I live there is a counseling center it has offered me some hope in overcoming the emptness I've felt. Perhaps here something similar in your area. Perhaps grief counseling. You said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just feel that I need to know because that would make me believe that he wasn't honest with me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would have said most anything to keep the OW in my life. I may have even thought I was honest. But it was just a fantasy. I never even spent a whole day with her. I tried very hard to always be on "my best behavior" I am sure she did the same.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have come so close to calling him or going to see him at his work just to find out what's going on with him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it really worth your dignity? The OW in my life seemed to be able to handle leaving better than I. She was pragmatic and much more realistic. She had an A efore me. She said "you are the last man". Even if that isn't true I'd rather not find out. I would rather work on me and the first woman in my life, my W. We need to put all of our efforts on the "sure thing" we've already gambled and lost.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sometimes I think if I knew somethings it would be easier to get on with my life. Do you know what I mean? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course I know what you mean. Of all things I saw her on the frwy if we did stop where would I be? Lieing to my wife again, she to her husband. My kids are grown but her's aren't. If they, mine her's or both, knew about me they would hate me not love me for what I was doing. We are lucky our spouses still want us. We have to want us too. We have to care enough about ourselves to find out why we made these choices and resolve to never do it again. Hang in There
H

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

FB
Oh yeah our MFC wants us to communicate about everything. We ( my W and I; you and your H) have to develop new skll in communicating. We have to learn to trust eachother again and some how rid ourselves of the fear that keeps us trapped.
H

Your posts are really helpful to me, it's amazing how alike our situations are. A couple of weeks ago I saw OM car at coffee shop where he goes so I waited for him to come out, saw him begin to drive a way, pulled up right behind him and I believe I honked, and he kept going so now I don't know if he really didn't see me or if he didn't want to stop or what so that bothers me too. It's really not like him at all not to have stopped. It's like nothing else matters when I see him or think I might see him, all thoughts of NC and the guilt I would have to endure if I did talk to him and the suffering I would bring upon myself and spouse, means absolutely nothing at that moment. I went to his work, (that's where he was heading) saw his car parked there, drove around the parking lot a few times, and then when I came back to my senses, drove off. It's always a real let down, knowing I was so close to him, and my soul is just in a turmoil as I drive away, but after the adrenalin wears off a little, I am usually somewhat relieved that I don't have to lie awake all night feeling guilty. I do wonder if I'm psychotic sometimes or if someday I am totally going to lose it.

I almost called OM this morning. I wake up and the wheels start turning and I start thinking about things and it's almost more than I can bear. Sometimes I just think, one phone call, and maybe I could put my mind at ease, and it's so tempting. I can't say that it's never going to happen. I have to fight the temptation all day long. Hiker, do I understand this correctly? D'day was in 7/01 for you, which was more than 2 years ago, and you saw OW on the freeway just this last August and you still feel the way that you did when you saw her? Oh my, I don't know if I can feel this way for that long without going crazy first.

My husband is going through the same things I think.He had an affair for two years now going on three and we moved from OK to NJ.I think you e-mailed me about my question below.I know he is down when he doesn't talk to her and when he is in contact with her it is like he is high on life.That is when he treats me good is when he is in contact with her beacuse all his spirits are lifted.So I don't know because love is a funny thing.Who know what it'll take to get your mind right with dropping the OW.All I can say is she cheated with you while you were married so whose to say she won't do it again.Hang in there.I know my husband wishes he was dead a lot to.He doesn't have to say anything it's by his actions.So I don't know all I can say is hang in there.