My husband has told me that he definitely wants a divorce. He's known about my affair for about two months. He says he is sure of this ... doesn't see how he can ever trust me again .... doesn't want to go to counseling .... doesn't want to wait to see how he will feel later. <P>He is living in an apartment now. He's been there about two weeks. He has already talked w/ an attorney. What am I to do?<BR>

AnnR - I too told my wife I wanted a divorce after a month after discovering her affair. Basically, I had hit rock bottom. I had not read Dr. Harley's book yet, but I was at the point of moving to Plan "B"...I just thought that divorce came right after Plan "A". I went to an attorney, and then after a couple of days decided that it wasn't yet time to file. If your husband has not yet read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, then he may not know what else to do but file...there are ways to deal with building trust and the horrible emotional swings he must be having.

He won't read anything or go to counseling. What can I do?

Ann, there is no way whatsoever he will agree to attend counseling? Is there no way he will agree to attend a Retrouvaille weekend? There are some programs out there that I've heard just recently can really help, and is the H so steadfast that he's just gonna proceed no matter what you do? It's kind of hard to know how receptive the spouse is, I know mine was not receptive at ALL at first, but agreed after several weeks.<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 11, 1999).]

My H did the same, Ann... <P>But he's home now. It's been a hard road full of BIG ups and downs, full of questions from both of us, wondering if we'll ever make it. He's almost moved out two more times... but he is here now. It's been six months since discovery, about 5 1/2 since the affair ended. <P>I would say this. Keep showing him love, don't push, but don't sign the papers if you don't want the divorce. He does need time, even if he doesn't realize it. <P>I am sorry, I didn't read your profile first. Should have. How long married? Kids? Things like that matter, especially when you're talking about rebuilding a marriage. <P>I am so sorry for your pain. I know that pain. I'm sending a prayer right this second for ya!<P>Take care! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

AnnR,<P>Did you try to use the idea, I think it was (SHA) who proposed, that the counceling was for the kids, not you or him? Joes Pain is probably correct about your H not knowing that there are alternatives. However, as I believe I mentioned to you before the really big problem is that your H travels alot and that leaves you lots of "free" time. <P>Trust is the really big problem then. Can you sit down and talk to him at all or are most avenues of communication closed? If you can, do the Plan A as everyone suggests, but also sit down and face the issue of trust. See if you and he could come up with some arragnement that would allow you to demonstrate your resolve to honor your marriage vows and provide him some protection from the lack of trust. Tell him you realize that this is a major issue with him and you understand it. <P>Also please note that in his present state of mind, he probably feels that you only want to get back with him for his pay check and the kids. It is not that you love him. In fact, at this point he may even be questioning whether the children are his or not. It is one of men's deepest fears. He may intellectually know they are his but everything is subject to question. And of coarse he cannot trust what you say, since you did lie to him. This is where Harley's Plan A has to come into play. Unfortunately, it is much more difficult to do when he is not around.<P>As everyone has said, time is a great healer so don't do anything that makes the divorce easier. Keep on showing him the love you feel for him. Just a thought, is there some family or friends that know of the situation that might be on the side of reconciliation? While, bringing 3rd parties into this mess is frequently bad, it may be a way to communicate with him if no other avenues exits.<P>Keep posting, there are many here who will do their best to help you.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You

Thank you all. This is great advice. I met w/ my counselor today and he was very helpful too. <P>I just have so many decisions to make and they are all pending on him .... go back to work? .... go back pt or ft? .... child care? .... I stay at home w/ my children right now. I don't want to take a good job and then quit if he decides to come back. And I do desperately want him back.<P>

AnnR,<P>Can you speak with your H at this point? What is your plan after consulting with your councelor? If you do not have a plan please consider getting one. He may well change his mind and your really cannot force him to do one thing or another. However, some of his biggest worries you may be able to address and at least postpone the filing of the divorce if you have some plan and can talk with him.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

I've read about Plan A and B and I guess we're in A. I've told him I love him, want to save our marriage, will wait for him, won't take a job if he doesn't want me to. All he says is, you better go ahead and get a job. Prepare yourself for the divorce. That's the only option. <P>What other things can I do? I've also told him I will do anything to rebuild his trust. Anything.<P>

AnnR,<P>I need to get going to dinner and appointments, but what I am driving at is that the statement " I will do anything..." can be translated by the cynical to "I won't do much unless you make me." I am not saying that is what you meant. <P>As you can tell I am a proactive type of person. What I would try to do is provide him with a plan or better yet offer him some ideas and then discuss if they will help him. For example, how would you like him to build trust with you if the situation were reversed? Is there something you can offer to at least discuss that is concrete in the way of action? Do you see what I mean? Your H feels he has done all he can do and divorce is the only way out.<P>It seems to me that you are the one that is going to have to be active in changing his mind or at least getting him to think thereby providing more time for the pain and embarassement to subside.<P>The person that is great at turning negatives into positives here is Faith Hope and Love (FHL). If we can construct your H's major arguments perhaps you can come up with some ways to defuse them. Let's face it things staying the same is not going to convince him that this marriage is worth saving no matter how much you love him. THat is why there are the his needs/ her needs things and Plan A as well as Plan B. They are all proactive approaches to get people out of defensive positions.<P>All of this is to buy time, so that the love he had/has for you can surface from all of the pain. If it can then, you can begin to deal with the marriage issues. If it does not then it seems to me he is set on divorce. <P>He probably feels that since he travels and as I recall you said you slept in separate bedrooms for the last few years, that things have not changed much for him if he does divorce you. Somehow, this idea must change either from his own introspection and/or your action. <P>It is not hopeless in my view, but you as do many others face an up hill battle.<P>I must go but will check in tomorrow. Please think about this and take care of yourself and the children.<P>God Bless You and Your Family