My husband had an affair several years ago and there are two things that still bother me. One is that while we are able to have sex, there is no intimacy or passion. Is there a reason why I can't get him to be more passionate? Secondly, my husband keeps cards that I believe are from a former lover as well as a picture of her. When I told him that these items bother me, he told me that they are not from a lover but a co-worker. Problem is that the cards are suggestive in nature and marked to "... baby," He tells me that he loves me and wants me forever. I don't bring up the past to him because I believe that is wrong. As long as these things continue, I continue to feel hurt. What can I do?

Secondly, my husband keeps cards that I believe are from a former lover as well as a picture of her. When I told him that these items bother me, he told me that they are not from a lover but a co-worker.
Tehn he doesn't need to keep them.

Problem is that the cards are suggestive in nature and marked to "... baby," He tells me that he loves me and wants me forever.
Then he should not do things which hurt you.

I don't bring up the past to him because I believe that is wrong.
What past?

As long as these things continue, I continue to feel hurt. What can I do?
Tell him it hurts your feelings and why.

there is no intimacy or passion
Do you try things to increase this or do you simply expect him to do it and when he doesn't you are disappointed?

Keeping the cards shows real disrespect for his wife and marriage, IMO.

I ran into the same situation a few times (cards from OW#1, cassette tape from OW#2), and I took care of both situations immediately in my own way. I didn't bother to ask H why he kept them (that's obvious) or if he might want to give them up some day (I'd stopped being a doormat)...I burned the cards, and I crushed the tape under sturdy shoes. I refused to allow myself to be disrespected by H ANY MORE, ya know what I mean?

That is probably not MB, and certainly not POJA. But in my opinion, such blatant disrespect and disregard for your spouse's feelings is not something to POJA. He shouldn't put any momentoes (especially from a "co-worker") above his wife. This is NOT like keeping a pocket watch from beloved Grandpa.

The fact that your H is still being dishonest about what the cards/picture represent (a co-worker?) is disturbing. Sounds like you need to discuss again how important total honesty and openness is to you and how vital it is for your total healing and recovery.

Infidelity stinks. Talk about it with him again. Talk about the lack of passion , too (as in how much you miss it and would love to have it back, and "Do you have any ideas we could try?", etc., etc.). Be open and honest....lead by example on this issue.

Lori

Thank you for your replies ... they truly are helpful. I guess that I just keep wanting to believe that they truly are from just a "co-worker" and nothing more but I can't convince myself. And to answer Chris, yes, I have tried everything. I have even tried to discuss it with him to no avail. I am about ready to give up which is why I am on here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JerseyGirl:
<strong>I guess that I just keep wanting to believe that they truly are from just a "co-worker" and nothing more</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't really matter who they're from (tho I agree they're probably from OW or an OW-wannabe). If the cards are suggestive and bother you, then keeping them shouldn't even be option for him. He's making the wrong choice.

It sounds like he never really "processed" why his affair happened...? Does he keep up ANY personal boundaries to avoid it happening again? Did y'all get MC or IC? Even if it has been a couple years since his A, it's not too late for MC at all. It would help a lot, I think.

Do you think he's doing anything towards recovery, or did he simply stop the affair and leave it at that?

This is lots of questions, and I doubt I can help you...but it's somewhere to start.

Good Luck!

Lori

His two affairs occurred between 1990 and 1996 and all that he ever said was that he doesn't know why they happened ... just that he went crazy. He also realized how close he came to losing everything and will never let it happen again.