Well folks... here's my long overdue update. I know it's been a long while since I last did one of these... but I haven't had enough information to share at once. However this week, it's coming in in droves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Firstly... a final trial date has FINALLY been set, on my stbxH's child porn possession charges. April 13, 2004. I will be subpeonaed (sp?) at any time, as I MUST appear in court, as I am the primary witness.

Since his arrest in January 2003, he still hasn't requested any changes to his recognizance so that he can see the kids at a local supervised visitation facility. The last visitation with the IL's supervising took place on June 14th, and I have not heard from the IL's since July sometime, even though the court order states that access is to occur twice per month, with one of those times being with the IL's.

I'm great with no visitation occurring... as the boys have only been hurt and mixed up when it did happen those few times before the summer began. The odd time, the 4 yr old tells me that he wants to see daddy again... but I have no choice but to tell him the truth: that it's not up to me to arrange, but up to daddy and the courthouse to make plans to see them again. It is NOT up to me to make any phonecalls regarding visitation... it is entirely up to them.

I contacted the MIL last week, to ask that she send me the funeral plot paperwork, as per the final court order from JUNE. I gave her one week to provide the documents to me, or else I was going to take them to court for violating the court order. I had SOME of the papers in the mail 2 days later. MIL claims that she lost my address and phone number, and that's why she never sent them. Their entire family, the lawyers, police, and courthouse must have lost it too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> At least I can see better where H learned to lie so easily from. Ugh!

Anyways... even without the deed to the plots, everything is in the process of being changed into my name (as per the court order). I am selling the two plots that were for stbxH and I, and using that money to pay for the divorce (how ironic is that? LOL... talk about putting things to rest!!!). As far as Andrew goes... for the time being, he will stay in Leamington. However, once I have the funds in order, I will have him moved either here to London, or to another town where members of MY side of the family are resting. I do not believe that Andrew is lying in peace down there. And he needs to be away from them. Their actions prove more and more as each month rolls by, that they don't give a rat's patootie about Andrew's brothers either. It's really sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I started weaning myself off of my anti depressant medication (under my doctor's guidance of course) the other week. The timing was terrible, as more things cropped up. But my being on them was only temporary anyways... and they did their job by helping me get past the major slump I was in at the time I started them.

REALLY BAD NEWS here... I found out yesterday, that the police have dropped the investigation on stbxH regarding the child molestation. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He took a lie detector test on September 30th, was asked only 3 questions, and passed the test. Between that, and the girls' statement that she told now, b/c she wanted to help me out (her meaning was that she wanted to help me help my boys... and to protect them from their dad, as well as other kids)... the police and crown attorney's office doesn't feel that they have enough to make a case.

This is NOT the end of that though... as he is still on record with the CAS (children's aid society). So God forbid, he hurts another child... there is still plenty of paper trail to show that it isn't the first time.

I've been doing really well in getting on with my life. I joined a bookclub before the summer began, and there are 8 of us altogether. We meet once or twice every month to talk about books we've read (we all agree to read the same ones, and then discuss them afterwards), and have dinner or munchies at each others' homes. The next meeting is at my house on October 24th. They're going to help me celebrate official Chocolate Cake Day (which is actually October 25th). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now that the 4 yr old is in school now, I have also joined the "Home and School Association" (similar to PTA), and am getting busy volunteering when I can. I even get to attend OS's first field trip on Friday morning. I'm really excited about being able to be a part of that.

And I've even started dating again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can you believe it??? I hardly can. LOL. But I've doen my homework, I've done my counselling, I'm ready. And I'm having the time of my life!!! It's so wonderful to have the MB principles towards R's. I am already putting them right out, and telling my courters (hehehe) what my needs are from the start, and that if they can't fulfil them, and can't POJA some things, then I'm moving on. Hahaha! No more settling for Karen!!! Woohoo!!!

Anyways... I think that's it for the update. I'm doing great... my boys are doing great... life is awesome... and stbxH STILL has it coming to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Topie25:
<strong>And I've even started dating again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can you believe it??? I hardly can. LOL.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive it but 2x4 ... you are Topie25 the wayward now. If you are dating to make you happy ... this is not good.

Do you really want to bring someone while you still have your mess ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Healing won't take over night.

Sorry Karen, I am glad that you are at this point emotionally but don't carry it further by bringing someone right now.

-rh-

redhat: Thanks for the 2x4, but I don't think it's necessary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am not dating b/c it's making me happy... I am dating, b/c I've finally gotten my life on track and am already happy. To me, dating is just another opportunity to get out of the house and see a movie, or play a game of mini golf, or have a coffee. And SF is NOT part of my dating plan. The thought of it scares the crap outta me actually.

Is it b/c my D hasn't gone through yet, that you're referring to me as a WS?

As far as the "mess" going on around me... this stuff could take YEARS to get over... and some things are going to go on until my boys are 18 yrs old (visitation). Why should I put MY life on hold until it's done with? What are your suggestions on a time frame before I should be living my life again? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Karen just make sure that the man you are dating knows about your situation so he doesn't start getting his hopes up high. The last thing you need is a friendship that starts out with lies and deceit on your part.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM: No worries on me sharing my situation. That's one of the first things I talk about. Some people are shallow enough to say I have too much baggage... but that's okay. They move on and so do I. I am quite forward in stating that I am only out looking for friends, to meet for coffee, or a movie, or dinner. I explain that I do NOT do one night stands, and that I am not ready for anything long term, b/c I feel it has been too soon since my M ended. It's working for me so far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Karen,

I might sound harsh but b/c I am worry about you. You should look support from same s3x for right now.

"Date" is when you share intimacy that you won't share w/ stanger otherwise. That is include your emotional intimacy.

Here is the list that I learned yesterday from Dv Care ..
"When am I ready for a new R ?"
-Am I living more in the present than the past ?
-Have my periods of depression become fewer ?
-Am I looking for nurture and rescue ?
-Have I learned to live alone & not be lonely ?
-Am I spiritually secure ?
-How do I react to problem ?
-Have I identified my weakness ?
-Reconsiliation: If it is a possibility, no way you should bring 3rd person in.
-A date is only the one that grow on palm tree ... LOL !
-Is my Dv final ?
-Am I ready to contribute to a new R ?
-Am I complete w/ God ?

If we beleive that God has a mate for us then we should seek for HIM where HE has the address of our next mate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-God Bless you, rh.

Just be careful, you can never predict your emotions even if the intent is only friends.

I've heard people say 1-2yrs after a D is sufficient time to heal to start a new, healthy relationship. But I'm sure that varies.

Hey Karen

Good to hear from you, but not so sure about the news. Good and bad eh? At least you have the trial date but a pity about the other charges. Having said that it would be a nightmare for the woman in question to deal with and face. Perhaps a blessing in disguise for her? Maybe she needed to do it for her own well being? Well, we won't know....

Now, shall I jump on the Karen bandwaggon about dating? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Honey, my advice is GO GIRL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You know when you are ready. I mean, it's hardly likely that you are going to take STBX back given all his history - kiddie porn, child abuse etc. Mostly, people should err on the side of caution of there is still hope for the R. I know people here are concerned about you, but I have every confidence that you know how to deal with this. Now if you'd said you were getting ready to re-marry, well I think that would be really worrying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Eduard mentioned 1-2 years. Frankly, I didn't think I'd find anyone I'd be interested in for at least 6 months. Being plain simple Lisa again was very appealing. But then I met my American Squeeze. He's so lovely, why would I turn that down? I don't want to marry him or have his babies, but I enjoy being with him. I enjoy his support, and yes, I told him about me immediately. He knows all the details, warts and all and he still thinks I'm great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I truly think this isn't a one size fits all situation. To date or not. There's always debate about this, but me, I think it's about the individuals concerned.

Keep up the good work Karen, always routing for you over here in London.

Lisa

redhat: No, you're not sounding harsh, and I always appreciate friends who try to look out for me, and I try to reciprocate when I can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> All I can say, is that I am not out looking for anything long term right now, although that is my long term goal. I do have some amazing support through my gal pals too. I really like your list there on ideas on how to decide if one is ready for a new R. The answers to most of those for me, show me that yes, in fact I am very near ready for long term intimacy. But that's not what I'm doing right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Eduard: The time frame on when to start dating after a D varies. It is a regular discussion, especially on the D/D board. My feelings towards it are that if you know you've done your best to save your M (which I know I did), and you are feeling closure (whatever that's supposed to mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), then you may be ready to start. It has also been discussed that those of us who have followed the MB principles have a much faster recovery rate than others out there, who have not used their time to work on healing themselves, and understand R's. If there's one thing I've learned from MB, it is that it is SO EASY to become emotionally involved with someone. I believe that with the knowledge of EN's, and using that to my advantage (by not letting my emotions take over, b/c I know WHY I am feeling strongly about someone, etc), that I am going to do just fine in the dating realm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lisa: It's always great to hear from you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks for checking in on me. I take it you're like me, and lurk a lot, huh? LOL. Yes, the victim of ex's molestation is having a really rough time now. I cannot put into words how much hurt "I" can feel coming from her. The day she found out the case was dropped, she came to me, sobbing. She is absolutely devastated. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But her family is going to do what it takes to fight it... and hopefully bring him to court, even if not through the crown attorney's office.

Re-marriage, Lisa??? Are you DAFT??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> LOL. Thanks for the laugh... I needed that. Haha! Yes, I too believe that I have everything under control in the dating dept. I am glad to hear that you're enjoying yourself too. I think what we're doing, is reaping some of the rewards of our MBing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen