Hi Lisa,
I wasn't around much during the week, so I missed your thread here!

This thread stirred up many memories for me, and I don't want to hijack but can I share a bit? Only one 'friend' knew of my A. She was actually someone I knew only briefly, and she was where I would 'go visit' when I was actually with OM. She knew when exOM and I would meet up-once a month or so, in case of a phone call from exH. Sick, isn't it? I am now of course so sad that not only did I cheat, but this person actually banded with me in it. I haven't talked to her in years.

I lost a different friend of 17 years over the A and divorce. I told her of the affair after I was separated , and divorce was filed. She never met exOM. Instead of being honest with me, she held back on her feelings. She acted supportive of the new relationship, to my face! When I saw her after the divorce, and after I ended it with exOM she was very nasty to me about everything. It was dreadful. I saw her two more times, but have decided that there's no friendship there. Granted, I was an awful lout to have an A, but I came to my senses-expressed remorse, regret, etc. She couldn't be my friend. The irony in it was that she'd had internet sexual fantasy/cybersex partners whom she'd never met in person. Earlier in her marriage she had an EA with a man at our church, too.

As for your situation, I would be inclined to let the husband know. I wish someone had let my husband know, but no one knew except that one woman, and she never told. I'd also Plan B the friend, and let her know that I couldn't be a friend to her until she quit hurting her husband. This sort of proactive stance might help her wake up.

She does sound very fantasy-engrossed, and out of touch with things in a way. When your primary relationship is looking boring/old, it's so much easier to find a new fantasy source than work on the same old one. How well I know that!

Take care Lisa. Glad to hear things are going well with your BF . You deserve it.

Take care,
HP

Thank you all again for your support about this tricky situation. I wanted to post an update and let you know what happened - it's been an eventful few weeks.

I guess, being a bit of a coward, I really felt it wasn't my place to tell her H, and I didn't know what was motivating me. I drafted a letter to my friend, but knew it needed work, but hadn't got round to changing it - then things really blew.

She invited my BF and his friend for dinner and not me. I couldn't believe it or what it was about. Thankfully, as Yank BF is honest, he told me and said he would say something along the lines of "Oh, haven't spoken to Lisa this week, but guess she's coming along". Well, I got the invite (maybe a bit reluctantly), with the news that she thought we split up. Truth was, we did for about 4 days (another story, not really worth going in to), but I had categorically told her we had sorted things out and were back together.

I just felt so confused by her actions and the way in which she was being so secretive. I was beginning to feel stressed about everything, including work, and couldn't understand why because normally I'm pretty calm. Everything and everyone was stressing me.

So Monday was the dinner. My friend got very drunk, and basically started picking at me at every opportunity she could. Such as

Lisa (at 11.00pm on a Monday) "Well, I think I'm going to get off, got a busy day tomorrow"

Friend "Oh for goodness sake, stop being a drama queen"

Nice eh? It degenerated to the point, I ended up leaving, having a big argument with BF because he thought I was over-reacting and being too uptight.

The next day, I thought I'm not going to let her carry on treating me in this way, and sucking BF into it too. I told her I needed to talk to her because I was very upset by her behaviour. Well, she calls me back saying she owes me a huge apology and her H has told her that she should be grovelling to me to make up (even her H noticed).

Well, of course, it transpires she's been in touch with OM - alot - 5/6 e-mails a day, an hour phone call the afternoon of the dinner. What a surprise? I don't think so. Of course, her increasingly eratic and irrational behaviour is now easily explained. We talked and talked, we both cried. I told her I couldn't carry on in this situation. And all of a sudden, I realised what had been upsetting and stressing me the most - I was looking at myself 18 months or so ago, pressing that self destruct button, and I couldn't save her anymore than I could save myself.

Her situation is compounded by a recent discovery about her H. I don't know what it is, but apparently it happened before they knew each other, but it is so bad, his family have disowned him.

She is going away soon by herself for 10 days. She has promised that she will sort herself out and make a decision. She also agreed that if that decision is to stay with her H, she will end contact with OM, and will tell her H all. Whatever I said finally got through because before all this she has always said she would never tell him. If her decision is to leave her H, she will also tell him the truth and not use the recent discovery (he told her he'd understand if she were to leave him, so I can't begin to imagine what it is).

For me, I feel like a weight has been lifted. Hope, you know what I mean don't you? Having been there, done that and got the t-shirt, you don't want to see one of your closest friends heading down that path of devastation and destruction. I learnt a lot about myself in the last few days. I learnt again, that I absolutey abhor anything about infidelity. I learnt that my own mistakes were out of character for me, and how quickly (well I think so) I learnt that. I realised again as so often SS said to me "It's not the mistakes you make it's what you learn from them", and boy did I ever learn. And you know, whatever I said something sunk in with my friend. I learnt enough from MB, not to save her, but to help her realise that she couldn't carry on as she is.

It's been a very emotional time for me, and I thank you all for your support and advice. I have also told my friend that I will support whatever decision she makes, so long as she acts with the honesty that she has suggested she will. I have told her that if she carries on as she is, I won't be able to carry on being around her. I told her to leave my BF out of it and me.

Thank you again.

Lisa

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

**PHEW**

I do know what you mean.

She knows where she stands, now! I'll keep my fingers crossed that she makes the right decision.

You did good, Lisa! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Me too Hope, me too. It was just so awful to realise I was watching her, but it was me - those bad decisions, that crazy thinking and behaviour, the warped way that you don't even realise what you're doing but everyone else does.

I do hope that I don't have to give up on her though. I do hope she comes through the other side - I think she will.

Lisa

Hey sweety pie,
Just popped in to catch up on everything. I haven't got an email from you lately. Glad to hear about the BF. Just don't let helping out your friend mess with that. But you are such a sweety to always try to help.
Things are cool here.
Let me know how you're doing.
Love ya,
Layli

Hi Layli - you got mail as they say <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for checking in with me.

Well, my friend has gone off for her trip. Sadly, I'm not sure if things have sunk in. When I spoke with her on Wednesday night she had reverted to saying that she was just going to use the time for herself and not push herself to make any decision. If one came, fine, but she was going to concentrate on her and her only. I guess she really is a selfish person.

I can only wait and see when she comes back, but if she comes back the same way as she went out and continues, I will definitely "Plan B" her. I guess that on top of her potential to loose everything through her behaviour, loosing her best friend too doesn't seem to matter.

I'm not a religious person, but I know many at MB are. I hope someone might find it in their hearts to pray for her to make a decision and the right one.

Thanks all.
Lisa

LAYLIIIIIIII!!!!!

I'm sure you didn't tell me I'm sweet...I'm going to sulk off and pout now.

******

Done!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Glad to hear you're well!!


Lisa,

Remember, she's having an affair...she's in MAJOR selfish mode. It doesn't make her a 'selfish person' permanently...although she may be. Much of what she's saying and doing sounds very familiar to me...I was a really selfish person during my 2 year brain fart. It's not how I ever was before or ever will be again. It was just where I was at, at the time. Lets hope the same rings true for her!

Yeah, I know Hope. We both know, but I guess I sometimes think she is very self centred anyway. My Mum always says to me "That one will always put herself first". And I think she does. She's always been what I call "flakey" but this is her at her worst.

Listen, don't worry about Layli thinking I'm sweet - poor deluded gal, little does she know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for being such a support on this one Hope. I think for you it is very much the same as me - hating to see other people go down that awful road with such a terrible journey ahead...

Lisa

I am sure someone could find it in their heart to pray for her, and continue to pray for you.

It is so - so.......whats the word? Good? Wonderful? to see you doing well.

I believe improvement will continue for you, that your happiness will increase.

Continued good wishes !!

SS

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>