Could someone explain the difference between loving someone and being "in-love" with that person? <P>I have seen references to this in many of the notes here where the betrayer tells the betrayed this. W told SIL that she still loved me. SIL responded, "but are you in love with him". W's answer: "It depends on how you define 'in love'.<P>Maybe I'm just dense, but I don't think I understand the difference.

Heartpain,<P>The difference, in my opinion, is that a person loves someone when they care what happens to that person. They feel responsible for what happens to that person as well. That love also involves a certain amount of admiration. Co-dependency is another aspect of this. Probably, the person would die for the other person. Think of your parents, children, friends, etc., as opposed to acquaintances, co-workers, or someone on the street.<P>To be "in love," there is an added dimension. Not only would you die for the other person, the OP completes you. He or she meets your most important needs with little effort, and you meet their needs in the same way. There is a greater depth of caring for that person. The physical relationship is not for the raw pleasure for the moment, it is a mutual extension of that deep love and appreciation for each other. You want to please each other more than what pleasure you get.<P>Many writers here say that being "in love" is the fantasy. Maybe so, in their own cases. But ask others who have truly wonderful relationships, and they will tell you what I have just written. (Don't confuse a "truly wonderful" relationship with one that is together "for better or for worse." Their definition of a "good relationship" oftentimes involves more "commitment to the cause" than being in love.)<P>Make sense?

Heartpain,<P>Coming from the perspective of the betrayer, this is what it means, literally, when they say "I love you but I'm not IN love with you":<P>"I've been with you a long time, and we have shared many things and we are close. I feel like a sibling/family member to you. But I don't feel romantically attached to you."<P>That's the translation from the betrayer's point of view. <P>--airheart

Heartpain,<P>I think that "loving" a person is the type of love that you give and expect nothing in return. I think being "in love" is giving love and expecting love in return in the manner that you give. Most couples feel both when they are intially married, but as time goes on and needs go ummet, the "in love" part starts to diminish. You then begin to feel that you only love that person as a brother or a sister. It is possible to feel "in love" with many people depending upon how they treat you and how physically attracted to that person you feel. The problem with being "in love" is that it can last a lifetime or a few months depending upon how you are treated. Many people want to plan a lifetime on the feelings of being "in love" only, and that can change from day to day. Truely "loving" a person is the love that last a lifetime, regardless of how you are treated. You accept the good with the bad. Love is meant to grow along with the relationship, getting to know who the person truely is, not what they want to show you. You can be "in love" with a person and not really know them from ADAM. The "in love" feeling is extremely powerful because you feel good all of the time, but life doesn't work that way. A person's environment effects his/her emotions and it sometimes becomes hard to feel the "in love" when you are going through hard times with a partner. But true love enables people to stick together through hard times and when the good times roll around you get the "in love" feelings once again. I think that is the true nature of marriage. Everything comes in cycles, sometimes things are bad and other times are blissful. I think marriages start to whither when one spouse only want to feel the "in love" feelings 24hrs a day. And when those feelings are not there a person can become vurnerable to outside influences of the "in love" feelings. But the outsider doesn't have to deal with the day to day stresses of being in a full-time committed relationship with another. You only see the outsider as what he/she presents to you. But when the stress of life comes into the picture and that outsider has to address those stresses, he or she chooses to leave you because he/she has nothing to lose, no spouse, no children, no mortgage. And that leaves the other to deal with all of the fallout. The outsider starts to demonstrate emotions that aren't perfect and aren't condusive to produce the "in love" feelings anymore. Many people don't realize the cycle until they have lost everything.<BR>Please that is just my opinion, and honestly don't want to hurt or offend anyone on this great forum. I have learned so much from you all and I personally have a great deal of respect for you all to take the time out of your day to help others in need. Life is a journey that last a lifetime, and it would be great to have someone to make the entire journey by one's side.

I think the difference is that when your "in love" more emotional feelings are involved. I think loving someone is something that evolves over time. <P>So I'm not sure if it's definately a bad thing to not be "in love" all the time. Feelings come and go, but loving someone takes time.

In love is the emotional feeling part of love that God defined. It has nothing to do with going beyond being willing to die for the other person. <P>Love is a decision and a fact. It is a fact because God is LOVE. There is nothing greater than it. Jesus died on the cross so that we could be reconciled to God. There is not greater love than being willing to die for another. This comes from the Bible. It is also a decision. You have to make the decision to love another person. It doesn't feel good. It provides perfect peace because once you have it, Jesus, then you can endure anything because you know that God is on your side and with God on your side who can be against you. These are not my words but God's words. Read the Bible and see for yourself.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>