I discovered my wife's affair 6 weeks ago. During this time we have had MC, both together and as individuals. We both know why our marriage ended up at this sad juncture. We have both learnt a lot about each other.

But she refuses to break contect with the OM. I decided to move to Plan B.

My wife has tried many times to justify her selfish, destructive affair by explaining her need to "get to know him better" so she can make a decision between me & him.

I have been through the wicked cycle of emotions - shock, anger, pain, inward rage, outward (but not violent) rage, depression, deep sadness, regret, denial.

But I feel I have arrived at the most important of all - acceptance. I love my W - I have expressed to her many times my desire to rebuild. However I think the time has come to let her go - I can feel my feelings change to bitterness.

Last Friday (we are still living together whilst we sort out sep. living arrangements) the OM came back into town. She told me she wanted to see him. I told her to leave.

So she packed her bag, kissed our daughter good bye, and headed off to a rather average 3 star motel with the OM.

She was away 3 days - and to tell you the truth I hope she realised what she is doing. She was without her daughter, without her house, without me to meet those EN's that I give her that the OM doesn't and all the things she feels comfortable with. Above all she's had the opportunity to see the OM belch, fart, pick his nose, etc. The fantasy will have faded - welcome to the real world. I also made it clear that things will change in the home until she moves out permanently shortly - sep. rooms/beds etc.

Did I make the right call? Those doubts are starting to creep back in....it was the most difficult decision I have ever made. Or would she have viewed it as a holiday?

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Ziggy ]</small>

Ziggy,

The answer is you won't know for months or years to come. It will all depend on what you make of your life regardlous of what decision your W makes. You have no control over her. I do hope you have seen a lawyer to get your rights figured out, and prepare yourself for plan B. When a spouse is deciding, and sitting on the fence, that is when Plan B should be put into place. Hopefully, you have done a good plan A, so that she knows that things can change and that you are serious about working on your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Ziggy,

How long did you Plan A for? Were you able to do a good Plan A? Plan A is probably just as important if not more important then Plan B. It leaves the WW with only good thoughts of you for when you have to move to Plan B as a last resort.

You can always hope that the WW will realize what she's really doing but it sounds like she's still deep in the Fog. And only God knows how long they will be in it.

Focus your efforts on bettering yourself and taking care of your daughter. This will help you to not worry about the WW and make yourself attractive to WW in the mean time. And if things don't work out you will be a better person.

My counselor told me a great analogy- What do new puppies usually end up doing? They run around. What do you end up doing? Chasing them all over to try and catch them. How do you end up catching them? Not by constantly chasing them, but by focusing your efforts on something else that makes it look fun and more attractive to them.

Hi Eduard

Great analogy, thanks!

Plan A'd for 6 weeks (actually still in Plan A really until WW moves). She says she has the highest respect for me for what I've tried to do over this time, so I think her memories are good.

Yes, she's in the fog, thicker than London in winter. She thinks this guy is her soul mate. Time will tell. In some strange way I'm looking forward to her moving out so I can start rebuilding something for myself.

From JL- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will all depend on what you make of your life regardlous of what decision your W makes. You have no control over her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Re-reading the post, I came across this realization recently in Counseling. Don't let your decision be dependent on what your WS does. Don't reconcile just because she all of a sudden thinks she wants to. Do what you want to do because YOU want to do it. It's your decision and you have to live with it.

Hope this helps.

That's good on the Plan A. Doing everything you can to have little to no regrets is important. It will help you to be able to truly move on if you need to.

Yes, that is sickening to hear that sort of talk come from a WW mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> If they only knew the truth- They're trading their current issues with you for different issues with someone else. The problems will probably be even worse because they will not have learned how to fix the problems they had with us in the first place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In some strange way I'm looking forward to her moving out so I can start rebuilding something for myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does help. Just be prepared to be thrown for a loop or two along the way and drug back down from where you progressed to. I had it happen on many occasions where I'd get to a point of "being over her" just for her to set me back. 2 steps forward, one step back. Just keep moving forward and not backwards and you'll come out on top! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Watching my brother in laws situation (and how different it was from mine), I can certainly sympathize with your WW thinking she's found her soulmate. That's exactly what my sister is saying!! Unfortunately she moved out and filed for divorce without him having the chance to plan A like you did. But I understand that being in limbo can be more painful than finally having a conclusion to the matter - (which is what BIL is seeking right now). You have no way of knowing what exactly made her have the A. You can surmise, guess, even listen to her tell you, but with my sister, she doesn't even know why. She just did. And now she plans to marry the OM. Because he's her Soul Mate!! Well, soul mates aren't found, they are made, and she (like your wife) will someday face that life could have been better in their marriages if they had focused their energies on it instead of on other relationships. Of course by then, you and my BIL will have moved on and the WWs will have burned one to many bridges.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also made it clear that things will change in the home until she moves out permanently shortly - sep. rooms/beds etc.

Did I make the right call? Those doubts are starting to creep back in....it was the most difficult decision I have ever made. Or would she have viewed it as a holiday? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ziggy, in my humble opinion the answer to "Did I make the right call?" is both a yes and a no.

"No" because you indicate that she is back at home again and awaiting a "comfortable time to move out." IF you are going to Plan B, then out is NOW, not when she's got all her ducks lined up. Let the OM meet ALL of her needs right now.

Yes, because as painful as all this is, and I remember it all too well, you have to be true to your own boundaries and stand up for them even when it hurts. In this case I am talking about the Covenant of Marriage. The vital part that relates is "forsaking ALL others." If she is so deep in the fog, then she is NOT thinking clearly and her lying emotions are in full (and confusing) control. Nothing you say or do during this time will make any positive impact on her. You have to cut out the cancer in your life and make her face the "surgery", even if she "hates" you for a while for making her face the reality of the cancer and the need for the painful surgery.

But you cannot have a marriage with another man involved no matter how much you love your wife and want to save your marriage. It is time, especially with her brazen decision; "Last Friday (we are still living together whilst we sort out sep. living arrangements) the OM came back into town. She told me she wanted to see him. I told her to leave.

So she packed her bag, kissed our daughter good bye, and headed off to a rather average 3 star motel with the OM."

She can't have you both. She just doesn't see that yet. It is time for reality to hit her between the eyes. She has to Choose. She cannot hhave the OM AND her family. She cannot have her family AND the OM. They are mutually exclusive.

So the answer for you now, as hard and as painful as it is, is to protect yourself and your daughter from her blatant sin. She goes, ready or not, right now. Force the choice on her. If she chooses you and the marriage, then the OM goes permanently. No Contact, not ever, for the rest of her life. If she wants the OM, then you and her daughter are out of her life to best of your ability.

Yes, it sounds harsh and cruel. But the reality is that it is founded in love. You KNOW that any marriage cannot have an outsider involved and survive. So Tough Love is in order at this point.

Depending on your religious beliefs, you may be able to get some support and comfort from them also during this time.

In any event, no more "game playing". No more being the patient "martyr" waiting for the "game" to play out. It is time for the penalty kick. All actions and decisions that we make have consequences. Some are good and some are not. You know which one this is.

Separation is tough. I know. But you don't have a marriage now and she is already in the arms of another man. So your fear of "driving her to the OM" are unrealistic. She already is there and already has made that choice. All that is left is for you to stand up and tell her it's her choice, but you will not allow yourself or your daughter to be abused anymore.

God bless and grant you wisdom in this difficult time.