I haven't had much contact with my STBXW since I filed for D. Since she has come to me with the notion of reconciling I thought I would take this opportunity to not only tell her where I'm at with this but also to get some things off my chest that have been eating at me.

I have so much I want to tell her because it has been bottled up for so long. I feel like it would help me move on and let it go. I don't want to be hateful and yell and scream, just be honest and blunt. I was just wondering if it would help me with my own recovery to be able to do that or if I should just stick with how I feel about reconciling and leave it at that.

Good question, starman.

I don't think that bottling it up and just walking away with it eating you up inside does either of you any good.

Getting everything off your chest might very well be a good thing...as long as you don't expect a productive response from her, and as long as it doesn't skyrocket out of control.

If she's serious about reconciliation...she'll listen. If she's not ready, she'll go right back in to blame and defense of herself.

Starman can you handle the possibility that she may not take kindly to any of your criticisms and decide to vent back to you? If you can't then venting will probably be very counterproductive for you and further increase any hurt, resentment or bitterness you may already have for her.

Starman:

Strategy, strategy, strategy! Think about this very carefully. What is it that you want? Do you want to be married, or do you want to be right? Is it really worth it to vent to her about all the stuff that's been eating at you, or is it worth it to talk about what you must have (without reference to the past) in order to reconcile?

I'd strongly recommend that you talk to Cerri about how to approach this whole thought process. She's a great proponent for thinking through what you want at this juncture and how you're going to get there.

I'm pretty sure that venting isn't part of it, though. (See MB 101, Love Busters, Chapter 1: Angry Outbursts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Thanks for the responses. To be honest I don't think I would care that much about what her response would be. I know this is selfish but I really was wondering if it would help me let go of some of these bad feelings. I don't want to make it harder on her or "twist the knife" just for the sake of it. If it's not going to be therapeutic in any way I wouldn't do it.

Maybe I'll post the letter I wrote and see if I can get some input on what to add or leave alone.

starman:

I think the operative word here is "vent." Don't do it if you're going 2 do that.

Do it, though, if you can be honest about how YOU feel. What you believe, what you want. If she's interested in reconciling, she WILL be receptive and maybe offer some truths of her own. If she's not, you'll be able 2 tell.

Just remember, no LBs.
-2long

Until I really vented all my feelings to my husband, I did not think I could really see our relationship working.

I just laid everything on the line one night and it hurt him like hell to hear it but he needed to hear it for us to work. I would have held it in and we would have split.

If you don't think you can say what you want to say face to face mayber write her a letter and be in the room when she reads it.

gaining at the expense of your spouse is always wrong.

I think an honest and respectful exchange of feelings is helpful, but that would not be called venting.

In MC, we have been asked to give our own visions of a happy M. You know what? It is really helpful. My H said a long time ago that he felt smothered, and I have felt abandoned. Well, we are talking that through.

If our M ends, it won't be because of a past mistake. I think that will be good for both of us in moving on.

I would like to weigh in on this, as a FWH.

I think it would be good for you to get the things on your mind out in the open, if you do it in the right way.

Are you going to do it in order to help make things better, or improve the climate allowing things to get better? Or are you just going to rant about things?

I would suggest that if you do choose to open up, that your meeting be in a public place, where you will be less likely to "lose control" of your emotions. There's no reason why you shouldn't tell your W how you are feeling, but you should be able to do it in an adult, respectful manner, even though you may feel what she has done is anything but respectful.

There can be no progress as long as either of you is afraid to share feelings with the other.

Just my opinion.

Oscar

Starman,
I have to agree with most of the suggestions already made. Consider this, please:

1. Are you venting to try to hurt her(?) back and make yourself feel better because you've gotten a bunch of junk off your chest? BAD IDEA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

2. Are you conveying your feelings in order to help her(?) understand the magnitude of what she has done? And at the same time, maybe this exchange of feelings may clue her(?) into your feelings/needs/wants. BETTER IDEA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yelling usually doesn't solve much.

I am glad that my W has helped open my eyes to what my actions/bad descisions have done to my W and family. It took a lot to get through my thick skull too.
I think Dr. Phil once said, "...only when the BS feels they've been heard, can the recovery begin...". It was something like that, you get the idea.

Good luck.

Thanks again everybody. I did use the wrong word (vent) in my subject line. I want to be able to tell my W how I'm feeling without yelling or being disrespectful. There are things I need to get off my chest and a lot of questions I have about the things she's done. I think it would help both of us because I know she has things to say and questions about what I think the chances are of us working on this. I know I can do this without losing my temper or becoming disrespectful. Enough time has passed for the intensity of the emotions to have calmed quite a bit.

starman

I see she is your ex wife. So technically she is no longer your wayward spouse instead just the X-wife who had a marriage ending affair.

Why do I make that distinction?

Well simple. As an X you have two choices in dealing with her.

One you can forget about her and move on with your life. Recognizing that you cannot change the past only the future while living in the present. Hence no reply at all.

Two you can continue to have a relationship with your X. This means keeping open the chance to reconcile if you want. But it also means keeping open the wounds that marriage and divorce caused you. Reply at your own heart's risk.

You make a good point SD. Our D won't be final until January but I had already moved on pretty well when my STBXW came to me about reconciling.

When I had gotten past the worst part of everything and had begun to move on with my life I had no desire to go into any of this with my WW. As I have been contemplating giving her a chance to prove herself or not the feelings and questions have been coming back. I do need to decide what I want to do and act accordingly. Getting into all this again is only neccesary if I decide to try again, otherwise I don't think it will help in my own recovery. I was doing pretty well without having to bring it all up again.

star

Understand I want what makes you happy. You just need to decide what that is.

Don't let me discourage you from seeking reconcilation if that is what you want.

But don't let her encourage you to do something your heart may not want to either.

Make sense?

Like the old saying don't burn any bridges unless the German Panzer division is about to come pouring across that bridge at any minute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

HI Starman
I tried to post a reply to you a while ago. I have been unable to post on here for some month and after numerous emails requesting my problem be sorted it would appear the latest site maintenance may have fixed it so here goes.

I am at the 2 year recovery mark. I read Torn Asunder a long time ago. It explained a lot of the anger really well. I have lent the book to another friend who happened to be the WS in her case. So I can't reread it to be sure, but I seem to remember that it is almost a neccesity

for the WS to see the BS anger and pain in order for the WS to appreciate the gravity of how this has affected the BS.

I know that sure made me (a BS) feel a lot better at the time. As after the initila shock and pain, I did hit an angry phase. My consellor at the time also told me that it was actually a good sign that I needed to go through this stage on the way to acceptance.

Another good book that I read after my counselor recommended it was Good Grieving (Can't remember who author was) it explained the stages of grieving and at least I knew that what I was feeling was normal.

I suggest that if you don't have it Torn Asunder would be worth getting hold of. It is very helpful in understanding and processing the anger that is involved.

I hope that this is still helpful after your latest thread. It seems things have gone a bit downhill since this one.

I do want to say that ambivalence is normal. I thought I wanted out of the marriage several times after Dday, only to realise that that was not what I wanted when crunch time came. My Wh also left me a few times, got as far as about to sign lease on new house for himself once, but too when crunch time came he did not go through with it and begged to come home.

I am afraid that the aftermath of all this is a real rollercoaster. I write this to try and give you hope. If you want to recover your marriage, all is not necessarily lost. You or your spouse will probably go through many changes of heart before you are finished on this.

We are now two years on and together with a good marriage. I would be lying to say that we have it all perfect, but marriage is about working on your relationship. Sure I have days when the pain and anger resurface, but they are fewer and fewer. I do know that I will never take my wonderful husband for granted and treasure my relationship with him. Although I wish the affair never happened, it taught me a lot and we have both grown a lot.

Hope this helps

C&S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by starman:

I do need to decide what I want to do and act accordingly. Getting into all this again is only neccesary if I decide to try again, otherwise I don't think it will help in my own recovery.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you answered your own question!

Decide what you want, act accordingly.... and with conviction of purpose, using your moral and ethical principles ...... sounds like a plan.

Step one: What do you want?


Pep
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />