So I received this letter from my XW the other day and I'm wondering if I should even respond. It basically states that she's sorry for everything that she did or didn't do in the past couple of years that might have contributed to our D. Should I respond? I still have feelings for her, but have made lots of progress towards "moving on".....and we're 10 months past the divorce.

litchfield,

I think "forgiving and accepting an apology for past mistakes" is one step more towards your progress, so therefore I don't see why you shouldn't respond.
I think the fact that your XW is actually saying "sorry" for her mistakes will help the both of you to "move on & grow".

No matter where this may lead to at the end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

Wow tough one.

Perhaps the letter isn't meant for you. Perhaps its a needed exercise by your X to come to terms with her past mistakes.

If that is the case then send a short thank you reply with perhaps a brief me too apology for your past mistakes. Nothing in depth mind you.

But what if she is reaching out?

That leads to two questions:

1) Do you want to forget her and move on?

2) Is this a sign reconcilation is possible?

Don't have the answers but thought I would give you something to ponder before taking any sort of action.

SDFR has it right...what do YOU want? If reconciliation is not possible for you, then just send a brief note like he said.

But if it is a consideration (as I believe it is, considering you are asking this question), then what to do? Like he said...it might be her just trying to come to grips with everything she has done.

It is a tough one, for sure. I think a letter back, saying where your regrets are...and apologies for anything you might have done (kind of like a Plan B letter, but leave out the references to the OM). Be honest about your feelings about her and the marriage. Let her know that you believe that if both of you had known how to deal with these issues earlier, that your marriage would still be.

Then maybe leave a little hanging statement like "I still love you and think about you."

Then see what happens. If nothing does, then fine. If she responds back, even with her clarifying herself, then it means there is something still burning there.

I talked to my pastor a few months ago, and he said that in our church right now, 60% of the divorces that happened over the last two years are now coming to him to reconcile and remarry. All that divorce was was a piece of paper. It has nothing to do with how you feel or how she feels.

So, send a sort of Plan B letter, expressing your feelings of regret and that you still do love her and have always prayed for that second chance.

Then if she bites...come back here and prepare to work hard for your new marriage.

If she doesnt, then there is closure for both of you.

A win-win situation!

In His arms.

I think that it takes a tremendous amount of courage and thought for a former spouse to admit to the mistakes that contributed to the divorce.

Given that, I think your XW deserves a lot of credit for writing it. It's certainly a great opportunity to acknowledge that credit, and it's also an opportunity to take the actions that -you- should take at this point, too.

That might be saying good bye.
It might be saying you still lover her.
It probably ought to apologize for your role in things, if you can do it sincerely.
It must be honest.

So what should you do? Well, what do you -want-? And what are you willing to do to get there?

If you don't know what to say to her, just write two simple words on your reply: Thank You.

coffee man's suggested response is simple in content and eloquent in it's brevity...besides, no one ever suffered from foot in mouth by saying less rather then more.
coach

Good idea. And if she's truly interested in more, she'll more than likely pursue another conversation.

Litchfield-

Coming from the other side of the FOG, I can say that it took a great amount of humility and self introspection for your XW to write that letter.

I agree with the others that this could be an opportunity for you and she to at least start to be freinds. Do you want that?

My advice would be to send her a short letter that summarizes what you think and feel. Only YOU can answer those questions, but if it were me...I would at least acknowkledge that courage that she took to come out of the FOG and face herself.

Litchfield,

Can you please give an update?

Thanks,
L.

Wow, I want to thank everyone for the advice and concern as it's really comforting to know that people care. Sometimes I can make it a few days or even weeks without stopping by here but this site brings so much comfort that I keep coming back.

In addition to writing that she was sorry, my XW also wrote that she was still trying to understand and heal from all that had happened since DDay (10/22/01) and that she'd never taken the circumstances lightly. She said that she continues to pray that I've found understanding, peace and happiness and that I'm free from any further pain related to our D. At the end she mentioned that she hoped the note didn't upset me and that she sent it with only "sincere intentions from the bottom of my heart".

What I settled on in reponse to her letter was a thank you note of sorts. In it, I expressed my gratitude for her saying "I'm sorry" even though it must've been difficult to write. My XW has always had this unique quality of following through with things she's feels are right, however difficult the task might be. I also wrote that I wanted her to know that I had few regrets about our time together other than how it ended. I told her I'd change some things if I could but that more and more I was simply thankful for our time together.

My sitch was always a little different from others for several reasons. To start with, my XW came to me and told me of the affair. After that, she moved out a month after DDay. At the time I knew she was continuing contact with the OM and told her she'd have to leave if she persisted...she left. After she moved out, our sole means of communicating was via the phone with me most often pleading with her to reconsider. I didn't do a decent Plan A or B for a number of reasons, mostly because I didn't know how at the time. Anyway, we had very little contact after she moved out other than going to counseling sessions together (total of about 10 sesssions 12/01 - 4/02). She never quite her job where OM worked and in fact followed him out of state earlier this year a few months after our D became final (12/02).

I have no idea where she's at with things but I feel good about sending the thank you note as everything in it is true...I've decided that she sent it as part of some sort of therapy she's involved with. Regardless, it's stirred up lots of emotions and caused me to wonder anew If I'll ever "get over" her...

<small>[ October 19, 2003, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by litchfield:

I have no idea where she's at with things but I feel good about sending the thank you note as everything in it is true...I've decided that she sent it as part of some sort of therapy she's involved with.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That may be but it could also mean that the OM may have betrayed her like she betrayed you and her eyes have been finally opened to the damage she inflicted upon you with her affair and subsequent divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regardless, it's stirred up lots of emotions and caused me to wonder anew If I'll ever "get over" her...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will, especially now that you have been vindicated by her.

TMCM-

Thanks for the vote of confidence with regards to getting over it, I hope you're right. Receiving her letter was very comforting even though she told me on several occasions during our separation how sorry she was. Strange that it feels so different hearing those words from her now, in writing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by litchfield:

Receiving her letter was very comforting even though she told me on several occasions during our separation how sorry she was. Strange that it feels so different hearing those words from her now, in writing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You see the difference is that writting that letter is an action in and of itself, and this 'action' is speaking louder to you than all of her previous words of regret in the past.

One thing I've wondered about is whether the WS has "triggers" like the BS. This time of year holds lots of them for me (DDay in Oct, She moved out just after Thanksgiving, Divorced in Dec) and I wonder if my XW has some of the same....

Hi Litchfield

It was good to see you around, and I hope you are doing well.

I think in response to your last question, the answer is yes, WS do have triggers.

Even though you know I completely gave up OM after d-day immediately, and spent many many months in deep reflection and IC to try and work out what had led me astray (so this is somewhat different from your XW), you do have triggers. Certain days, times can still upset me. I hear certain things from the girls about Pound Man, his behaviour and it can still upset me.

You can and will get over it. Even though I feel I have finally accepted a lot of things that were wrong in my M outside of my A (awful things, like the anger and violence I faced), I still have certain feelings towards Pound Man. I'm not sure what they always are, but I do know that indifference will eventually follow.

Take care Litchfield, I think you did the right thing by responding.

Lisa