Okay I'm screwing up here big time.,..(thank you ahead of time for listening..I know this is LONG)
It has been 7 weeks since my H & I officially split up. The newfound info regarding his serial cheating (after just finding out about what I believed to be is only A back 5/24/03 & working on recovery alone for 4 months..) was enough to make me feel that I'm better off without him.
We've been together for 7 years, 6 of which we have been M'ed. The entire time we've been together he's been secretly having A's. His bragging mouth finally unfolded the truth, & I had to find out from everyone but him.
He moved out the home (unwillingly) and found a apartment a block away from our family. We share two beautiful d's together (4, and 2) & he wanted to be close to them (since he is a**ed out without a car & has to walk everywhere).
He faithfully comes and sees them everyday sometimes preparing dinner before I even get home from work & daycare. His gestures are nice & I appreciate him looking out for us but I'm beginning to think he's not doing certain things for the girls & instead attempting to plot his way back into my life again.
Lately we have been hanging around mutual friends of ours & have spent a few nights alone talking about things. He has admitted to not being a good H & not being able to fully guarantee he won't step outside of our M again.
He is believed to have a undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder & gets very depressed for no apparent reason most of the time. He isn't working & isn't looking either (back injury causes limitations) & he has an inability to hold down any position for more then 6 mo's if that!
He refuses to meet with our Pastor (for dinner some night) & bring himself to Jesus. He is not a Christian although our children & I are & want to live a proper life.
He does not have faith in himself let alone anything else. (emotionally damaging & abusive childhood--thrown around various foster homes until he ended up in an orphanage for 2 years)
So, I guess because I'm the one who loves to feel needed & he's the one that wants someone he can need I have yet again been sucked into this emotional rollercoaster or should I say...turmoil of having to sort out my priorities & expectations & emotions for myself & our children.
Let me explain further. Saturday he comes over to see the girls looking like he was on the verge of crying. I asked him what was wrong & he told me he had been sitting in his apartment for over an hour trying to gain the strength to come over & see the girls.
He said that he heard a song that reminded him of me & that he missed me terribly. I tried to reassure him that even though we miss each other, its the familiar that leaves us lonely & holding on. That someday in the future the time will heal the pain & we'll get used to just seeing each other as 2 people that once were together in a way that we no longer can be, but can still share this family that we have made that still gives us the satisfaction of knowing we are not messing it up for our D's. (both experienced emotionally wrecking childhoods <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )
He then started to explain that he doesn't have the urge to go out and be with others like he did while we were together & that he felt awful for admitting that while he had his life together he could compromise something that made him feel complete. And now, that he an only think of how he screwed up rather then thinking of ways to pick himself up and find purpose in life again.
(I know he really really needs IC! He's just afraid b/c some of them in the past have threaten to say something to child services about our violent fights) We both need to see IC's. I'm not suggesting MC until I know he can help himself & be right for him. I don't need him using any other excuses to pull out of his damaged mind and heart.
I admit I feel for him. I really miss him. I'm angry with myself for allowing myself to feel pity for him. He made his bed & now I should allow him to lay in it..& with whom he pleases b/c it's not my problem anymore...BUT it is much easier said then done when the anger starts to lift a little day by day..& I allow him to fulfill a portion of my En's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
We have been intimate on 2 separate occasions since we've split up. The other night he stayed the night and slept the bed with me. I didn't know how to feel about that. I guess I just wanted to be held. I just wanted relief from the pain & to feel secure.
I tossed and turned all night awaking to him holding me tight & kissing my forehead. He was wide awake at 4:30 in the morning just staring at me.
I'm kicking myself soooo hard right now. I want to cry just talking about it.
I thought I could fulfill my need(s) & still stay strong holding this portion of myself away from him, but I'm realizing that the more time we are around each other without it being strictly for the kids...it becomes harder and harder for me.
I don't want to hurt him b/c he did ask to sleep in the bed with me...I initiated intimacy & agreed not to make it more then a moment & not change all that I've attempted to build up within myself emotionally. But, I can talk the talk & now I'm hurting again.
It is sooo unfair. I have to do something. I feel like I've let him go..& then apart of me feels like I'm holding on. I'm not willing to wait around for years with just mere hopes he'll come around & get rid of all his emotional baggage(while I work on mine). I have supported him and played the security role a H is supposed to provide & for too many years.
I want someone to care for me for a change. I don't want to have to feel so relied on anymore. But like I said I am the "Needed" & he's the "Needer" so it is hard to break old patterns. Especially while you still have sooo much love for em'.
Any advise anyone. I really appreciate you reading through all this. I just need some strength today. How did you get by? I plan on filing for divorce early this next year & I don't want anything to interfere with my plans. He may miss me but that is not enough to take back all that he has stripped away from me.
Come on MB, I need you today. Besides god, I feel like you are the only ones who really understand. We share each other's pain. Thank you...(sorry for rambling..) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
