Not much to say, but any words of wisdom welcome.

OW has left the hemisphere, apparently about a week and a half ago. I smell human mess...though can't confirm. Just a feeling I get -- OW is not "well joined up," as they say. OW's D was crying at a public event last week. H is clinical depressive, and he has been largely low-key, that might be why. On the other hand, he might be fine. He might be moving.

I will be passing along furniture tomorrow, at his request, though not all he wants. I am trying to be compassionate.

When he emailed me about furniture, he didn't acknowledge 2-week-old PBL. He has not replied to my arrangements for collecting furniture. I've asked him point-blank what's happening (I will need his phone no., address, etc., if he's moving, after all). So far, no reply.

I am keeping my distance -- I really have no choice. I'm uncomfortable about not being in the house when he comes tomorrow -- he could come in without me. On the other hand, I don't want to face him if he comes to the door looking for me.

It does seem like he's made a big mess on the floor.

Any words of wisdom welcome. There doesn't seem much for me to do here.

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Stay out of the way and let it play itself out. That's my advice to you. And come to think of it, I should take it myself.

He did finally telephone. Thought I meant today and not tomorrow (it was clear in the email), and did not download his email till late p.m. Odd for him.

I kept the conversation very brief, so could not ask him questions. I did not want to answer any, either. I was pleasant, but to-the-point. So I still don't know what his plans are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>So I still don't know what his plans are. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you care ? ... you know yours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Hope you will make it to Metreon.

-rh-

C'mon Redhat! I do need to have a phone number and address for the guy! We are married! And I do need to be able to reach him in an emergency and forward mail!

I am not worry about the contact, it was for emergency but wondering about his plan is not good. The best thing that could ever happen to him is hitting rock bottom on his own and hope he figure thing out, for his own sake.

-rh-

AM,
I don't have any advice, really, just the observation that sometimes the WS loses both the BS & OP and ends up alone...or searching for yet another soulmate or "fix".

Without some intervention, that's a likelihood, in this case. Any advice?

Redhat, the problem is, there are so many people around to make sure that he doesn't hit rock bottom.

Spoke with W#1 last night. She had no notion of breakup, of his travel for a month, or anything else. This is kind of strange, since she, too, absolutely needs contact info, since she's mother of his kids.

For some reason, this breakup, or whatever it is, is being kept very, very quiet. OW has no friends, other than her D & SIL, but why is everyone hiding this?

Also, OW's shrink, an acquaintance, struck up a conversation yesterday -- the first time in six months she hadn't avoided me. She's the one who said, "You're a rejected woman. Deal with it." last spring. Something's changed.

Oh well, I know what you'll all say: you are in Plan B so you shouldn't care. True, but I do need contact info.

W#1 was concerned about his neglect of his kids in the last six months. He's gone oblivious to their needs.

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> Without some intervention, that's a likelihood, in this case. Any advice?

Redhat, the problem is, there are so many people around to make sure that he doesn't hit rock bottom. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not your task nor your responsibilty and learn to let it go. You have done your best, find an old thread titled "detachment w/ love", it might help you.

It shows that this A is not about OW ... it is not about you ... it is about him, the baggage that he has. Until he realizes that he needs to resolve his baggage, you better stay far away so that you won't get hurt.

-rh-

AM, I know you think you need this contact information...and I agree that eventually you do...but right now I think you're using it as justification for trying to find out what's going on. I'm a naturally curious person myself and it would probly drive me nuts too. Still...if you can find something else to occupy your mind long enough to pull out of this maddening state...you'll be better off. Who knows what's going on...it will all come out in the wash eventually. In the meantime...quit driving yourself crazy!!!

Okay RH & H4F, you're right.

H comes over to move some of his stuff tonight (I seem to have had more contact with him in last week than in previous 3 mos.) He sent me an email last night he will be over at a time I will have to be here (I'm getting ready to go out.) D might be here, too. My current plan is to try to invite a male friend over for an hour. That way I can avoid him approaching me one-on-one, avoid convo, and also keep him from breaking into the house without me here. Sound good?

H4F is correct. Stay dark...for yourself. Do not allow anything in. Get past this furniture move, and then go super dark.

If he doesnt pull his head out, then what has changed for you? Nothing.

If he does, it will only happen thru a whole bunch of pain. You dont need to share in that. So just stay away...and stay strong.

Fortunately, this news now means that your future with or without him has now been set in motion.

Now you will see how it all ends up. But remember, you are not part of the process...so stay out.

In His arms.

MM, Won't be quite that easy. I'm giving him the furniture he moved in with. The stuff that could be called "marital assets" are being withheld. His situation sounds flakey and unstable, I'm not entrusting stuff with him if it's going to be eventually sold at a garage sale so he can leave the country and chase OW, for example.

So this sets the scene for future interaction, but he will be gone for a month.

MM, should I just ask him to file for divorce? He's avoiding the one effort that will truly set him free.

NO!!!

Do not ask him for a DV.

Cmon AM...let this all cool down and play out for a while. You're getting the cart in another country before the horse!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>MM, should I just ask him to file for divorce? He's avoiding the one effort that will truly set him free. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again IT IS NOT YOUR TASK !. Let him file unless you need to protect yourself financially or physically ... otherwise 10 years from now you might regret it.

-rh-

AM -

You've brought up the question of divorce several times in the last few days, I've noticed. So let me ask you point blank. Do YOU want a divorce? Because if you keep thinking about it and stewing over it, it's gonna happen because YOU want it to, not because he necessarily wants it. Stay dark, stay cool, and read a good book! Take some of my completely crude suggestions. E-mail me offline for other completely crude suggestions. Callyour friends, go for a walk.

You're going out tonight? Great! Be ready and go out early, before he gets there. You don't have to see him, and if you think you do, you're not being creative enough. There's no court order forcing you to!

And the male friend? Uhh, are you trying to rub something in, here? Do you want to play that card right now?

Having gotten all that off my chest, I'll also note that going on vacation yourself is an excellent idea right now. Just get in your car and vanish. Leave an itinerary with ONE person, and then just go. Go go go.

A male friend who can stand up to him if he tries to insist (with his male friend) on entering the house. I made my feelings plain in PBL.

Because he could enter the house unsupervised, and because my D is likely to be here, I don't want her to have to deal with this alone. I also don't want him rooting through my house like a pig looking for truffles.

D keeps coming up because I don't see any alternative right now. I just want him to get on with his descent and get it over with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>D keeps coming up because I don't see any alternative right now. I just want him to get on with his descent and get it over with. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alternative could change ... just wait until you are ready to Dv. Honestly, you are not ready yet at this point.

-rh-

A.M

I just wanted to say that you need to give it some time until the dust settles. This could be the end for his A, or it could just be a hiccup in the coaster ride.

Continue doing that wonderful job of working on you. You need to be ready when his world finally crashes and he comes crawling back to you on his hands and knees.

By then, hopefully you will know yourself well enough to make the healthy decision for all of you.

My best to you-