I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH COWORKER,2 YRS. AGO WAS ACCUSED OF HAVING AFFAIR WITH HER.MY ASKED NE NOT TO TALK TO HER,FOR A YEAR LISTENED,THEN WAS BETRAYED HER AND TALKED TO HER.WE MADE IT THROUGH THAT BUT IN JUN STARTING TALKING TO HER AGAIN,WIFE FILED FOR DIVORCE,SHE SAYS I CRUSHED HER.HER HEART SAYS WORK IT OUT BUT HEAD SAYS DIVORCE.OUR D-DAY IS DEC WHAT CAN I DO TO WIN HER BACK.HAS CUT OFF TIES WITH COWORKER,WIFE HASNT ASKED ME TO LEAVE BUT THERE IS NO AFFECTION OR LOVEMAKING SINCE JUL.ALL HER FRIEND AND FAMILY SAYS ENOUGH AND SHE WONT GO FOR US TO GET HELP.IM GOING BY MYSELF.PLEASE CAN ANYONE GIVE ME ADVICE.THANK YOU

Read up on the links below.

Please don’t type in all capitals. It‘s difficult to read.

Jeff if I understood your post correctly, you had an affair with a female co-worker and your wife found out about it. Now your wife has filed for divorce and emotionally withdrawn from you because of your betrayal.

My advice is for you to read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 'Love Busters', Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'. In the meantime read every article on this website to get you started while you look for the books I recommended to you. Avoid ALL love busters such as:

1.Angry Outbursts - Who wants to live with a time bomb?
2.Selfish Demands - Who wants to live with a dictator?
3.Disrespectful Judgements - Who wants to live with a critic?
4.Dishonesty - Who wants to live with a liar?
5.Independent Behavior - Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?
6.Annoying Habits - Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

If you love bust your wife and then try to fulfill her emotional needs, you'll be like the man who is trying to fill a tank with water but the bottom of the tank has a huge hole where all the water escapes out of. So hold your tongue when you feel like you have lost control of your emotions, for although it may feel good to release your frustrations out on your wife, in the end you will only drive further away from you.

Keep us posted.

Jeff22, If you really want your wife back, give her space. Right now she is hurting and is sorting out feelings of anger,loss and probably depression. Write down on paper, what you just wrote to us on the forum. It does not have to be fancy, but sincere. Arrange some time where you can talk and discuss your future together. Forgiveness is hard when betrayal happens, but it can happen. Are there any children involved? Maybe a family type counsiling can be arranged. Let her know that you love her and still care for her, and don't give up on your part. Seek professional advice nonetheless. Much luck...

Jeff,

Read the info here, get ahold of the books 'surviving an affair' and 'his needs/her needs' both are by Dr. W. Harley.

Read them and give them to your W. Then if you can, bring your W here for support.

Her heart and mind are out of sync due to your disrespectful and hurtful actions. Her mind will continue to say such. What she needs to see here is how some of us are working through it either with our spouses or individually (due to various circumstances). I am a BS and right now my xws and I are in basic recovery.

We are on our way to a meeting this morning with hopefully about a dozen or so MBers (not sure how many will show up). This support group along with what we learn here has added to helping us cope with all the garbage in dealing with infidelity.

It is a hard lesson for both of you. You both need time together and apart. How to do so and reduce the healing pain is where you both need help.

If you can, share your posts with her. It is still in it's early stages and hopefully she will see that your situtation can have less pain than many others who are still fighting for their personal and M recovery.

In my case, it has been a long 3+ year battle. Today, things are looking up but the hurt can still be felt. Still I am glad my H (Xws) has come out of the fog and back to humanity with his santity restored (restoring - it takes a while).

Please let your W know that BS' tend to go through various stages of grieving. One of those stages are anger and frustration.

Here's the link:

5 stages of grieving

Take care. I am glad to see you here posting instead of doing the yucky A thing.


L.

thank you for responding.I Wwould like to try plan b but w acts like their is no hope.she still calls me honey,but says it is a habit.She still makes time for family outings and plans with some friends who dont know anything.should i leave hopeing she misses me.our d-day is 6 weeks away.Im confused and doesnt know what to do

Plan B is a strategy for the BS(betrayed spouse) when the WS(wayward spouse) still does not want to decide between the BS and the OP(other person). Since you are the WS, plan B would not be for you, but you could implement a Plan A like plan in which you would avoid ALL love busters (habits that destroy romantic love such as: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior, and annoying habits). If she continues to state that there is no hope for the marriage simply agree with her with a simple "You are right" because by doing so you she will realize that you are not forcing her to remain married to you, and that if the marriage does end it will be because of her decision and not yours. Divorce is very appealing when there is resistance to it, but loses plenty of its appeal when there is no resistance to it whatsoever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> ...Divorce is very appealing when there is resistance to it, but loses plenty of its appeal when there is no resistance to it whatsoever. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very good point TMCM.

Jeff,
Read all of TMCM's thread. Take it to heart. Let us know what books you have read so we can help you.

Plan B is NOT for the WS. It is for the protection of the BS and family.

You need to show your best behavior for your W. Let her see the man she fell in love with. Maybe not too mushy but show the love. Then maybe then you can break the wall of protection she is trying to build against you.

Is there anything else you need to tell us?

L.