Let me start with saying that this is a new ID for me, I need to ask this question without my FWH knowing its me. With that said let me explain, we have been in recovery for about 2 years. We went to MC, he goes to IC, he has done everything I have asked and so much more to reasure me that he wants our marriage. He has not had contact with the OW in two years, he lets me know were he is and if he is going to be late he calls so I don't worry. I know that he is being true to me and doesn't want anything to do with the OW anymore. I should be happy, I have what everyone is looking for right, a husband who tells me and shows me how much he loves me over and over everyday. The problem is I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore. When we first started working to rebuild our marriage after his A, I though that the pain would go away. The MC told us that it would take time, but here it is two years later and the pain is still here, sometimes as bad as the first few days after d-day. We have sex all the time but we never 'make love' anymore. SF leaves me feeling empty inside now. This is so hard to explain, I can't see myself with out him, but I don't know how to get rid of the pain his A caused. I find myself getting so angry at him for doing this to me, to us, to our family. How could he treat me this way, with no concern for my feelings? How do I get over this? I really do want to love my husband again. I know that right after I found out about his A I realized how much I loved him and how much I wanted our marriage, but now as time goes by I'm just not sure anymore. Is this normal, has anyone else felt this way? Will the love I had for him once return? I really think that there is something wrong with me, I have what I wanted when I first found out about his A and now I'm not sure its really what I want.

I understand .. especially about the having sex and making love.

Have you gone to IC for youself? Have you read any of the affair books many herre recommend?

Lastly, have you forgiven him?

I still get angry and still pain ...
but it's not every day as it was before
and I find there are many days that I actually am happy now.

But all this took work.. from almost a year with IC and lots of reading and posting here.

way2

I feel exactly the same way. I'm almost 18 months past D-Day and I often wish i'd left back then. H has been doing all he can, although he is not as affectionate and demonstrative as i would like (but he is 1000 times better than he ever has been)
I just cant stop thinking that he caused all this because of his choices. The only reason for the A he can offer is not that there was anything wrong with our marriage but just that at 40 his ego liked the idea of a 21 year old persuing him. In my book I can understand that, but to take it further is unacceptable. I could even probably understand a ONS from those feelings but an intense 2 year A ????????? That's a lot of ongoing decisions to totally disregard me and our 2 beautiful young girls.

Immediately postD-Day he said he loved her now he says he didnt. I dont like either answer because why would you inflict this damage and pain on your family for someone you didnt love? I know I'm trying to make sense of something that cant make sense.
I cant picture life without him but I am still so confused like you.

I wish you the happiness and peace that I am searching for.

Robyn

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Robyn:

We have sex all the time but we never 'make love' anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Robyn you have to let him know this for if he truly wants to make amends for his affair, he truly has to know that you want to be treated like the most important WOMAN in his life (you ARE you know).

My wife enjoys sex but she tells me that what really rocks her world is my NON SEXUAL hugs and kisses during the day that tell her that she means the world to me (she is absolutely right).

As a man, I've got to tell you that we men are IDIOTS when it comes to truly making love (as though you already didn't know this already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) when it comes to conveying how much our wives mean to us. I am married to a woman who was married before (with boys serving in Iraq - God I love them as though they were my own flesh and blood) and I THANK GOD that I was so blessed with finding and marrying her (even my daughters from my first marriage think she is the coolest).

Robyn you are a woman worthy of love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As a man, I've got to tell you that we men are IDIOTS when it comes to truly making love (as though you already didn't know this already </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man speak for yourself.....I am just an idiot when it comes to understanding women! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

emich

I do think what you are going thru is quite normal.

Upon discovery we were faced with two choices fight or flight. A large number chose flight and divorce never seeing a thread on this forum.

Those that fight face self doubt all the time. Especially after the rush of emotions to fight subside. One the adrenaline stops flowing we take stock of why we were fighting in the first place.

The questions you never pondered when fighting to save your marriage suddenly start popping into your mind.

I jokingly call it recovery remorse similar to buyers remorse. You know when you get that high for purchasing that new car off the showroom only to begin to wonder if it was such a smart move a few days later when the payment book comes in the mail.

You put the raging fire in front of you but now you wonder would you have been better off letting it burnup your marriage. Was it worth the effort.

There are no answers emich. I have often heard people who divorce without adultery being an issue that one day they woke and I realized they didn't love their spouse. If these thoughts can happen with the pain of discovering an affair then it should be no surprise when a betrayed spouse feels those same thoughts after dealing with the pain of an affair.

I want to thank you all for taking the time to answer my question. I think what really bothers me is that before his A, I always felt that he loved me more then anything, now there is always that little doubt.

Thank you Way2, I am going to look into IC for me. Your right, I need someone to help me get over the hurt.

Robyn, like you I sometimes wish I had left on d-day, I didn't because I am a fighter, and I believed what I said on my wedding day, till death do us part. I made a vow to God that day and I have always taken that very serious.

SDFR, You make a good point, now that I am no longer fighting to save my marriage, now that we are in recovery all the things I couldn't let myself think about back then have come to the surface. I guess its self protection in a way. We push all they little things into the back of our minds while we work on the big picture, saving the marriage. Once we feel that the marriage is whole again the little things come back out and we have to deal with them.

As I said in my original post I can't see my life without my husband in it, I do really love him, I just don't feel 'In love' if you can understand that. He has always been my best friend, and he still is, yet the closeness we had before his A has been shattered. That is what I want back, the closeness.

emich -

I'm so far from recovery that I shouldn't even be posting to you, but hey, that's all right. My question would be why the affair is still in your head two years into recovery. What is it that's bringing it up for you? Why are you so focused on that one thing? I know it's hard to feel this way, but life is never about a single defining moment.

I'm nine months away from the birth of my DD. Was that a defining and terrifying moment in my life? You betcha! Do I still sit with tears in my eyes over it sometimes? Absolutely. But it doesn't hinder my day-to-day interactions with the world. If the affair is still doing that for you, then I guess I wonder what it is that's causing it. I do agree with the folks who've said that really getting through the anger and getting to forgiveness are important things. I suspect that there's more, though.

You said that you never "make love" anymore and SF leaves you feeling hollow. Don't ignore that feeling. It sounds to me like you've got needs (affection and conversation would be my guesses) that aren't being met well enough by your husband, or your husband is somehow LBing in a way that your love for him is being drained again.

Look ye -- you want to fall in love with this man again, and I bet he wouldn't mind it if you did, either. What's holding you back from doing that? I guess that's another area where I'd focus.

EM,

Here's my 2cents for what it is worth (probably 1.5 cents <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ):

1. Neither you nor your H can fix the past.
2. Only you and your H can fix the future.

With those 2 points, getting closure and putting the trust back in your M is now a big challenge. His needs are being met more than yours? If so, I can certainly understand your delimea (sp?).

How do you want him to meet your needs? Have you put closure on this issue? Where are the triggers now?

How much are you dwelling in the past instead of seeing the current and future? Are you afraid of the future? Are you afraid of the past? Which is your greater fear?

L.

Emich - I am sooo glad that I read your post. I have been feeling exactly the same way about my husband and I honestly have not been able to understand why. My husband didn't have an affair but was physically abusive to me years ago. Now he pretty much treats me like a queen but no matter what I try to do I just don't feel loving feelings for him. I never feel close to him when we have sex - even though we do it often. In ways he is my best friend and we have lot's of things going for us - our kids are grown, we are financially stable, we do things together but I just don't have the feelings for him that I want to have for my husband. I have been in IC many times and we have been in MC many times - things get better for a while and then these feeling creep up. I recently stopped overeating and taking better care of myself and now I am having to deal with this lack of feelings. I think I just numbed myself with food for years and now that I am not using that I have all of these feelings or really lack of feelings. I don't want to be divorced but I honestly crave to be with someone that I can make love to and not just have sex with.

Is rebuilding trust enough?

What if there are important ENs that aren't getting addressed?