Without going into the whole long story (if you are interested you can read my other thread), how much of a part do you think money can play in an A?
OM was not someone that my WW had known before the A started. She met him and apparently fell madly in love immediately. OM is wealthy. I mean private jet wealthy. He flys 500 miles to see WW, stays in the finest hotels, takes her to the best clubs and restaurants, gives her money. This week they are in the Carribean.
Financially I do well, but I cannot begin to compare. OM has moved out of his house and asked his W (married 34 years) for a divorce. He has offered her millions to settle so that he can bring my WW to live with him.
So, what chance do I have in getting my WW to return home? How much of a part do you think money can play in an A and restoring a M?

Hmmm..... good question.

Usually the A causes the lack of $$ to clear up the fog a bit. But you know $$ also can 'blind the eye.'

In your situation, the enticement and the flow of $$ seems to be his MO. So will it last? Probably better to bet that he will be on the prowl for OW2 after he gets $$ tired of his current one.

His W is the one who will fare the best. She's getting paid off and getting rid of him to boot. Of course she may be seeing this to her advantage right now but she probably will soon.

L.

Hello,

This is just my opinion but I think it would be virtually impossible to compete with this guy.
Your wife is now being treated like a princess and can have anything she wants. I would think about contacting a lawyer and see if you can sue him for alienation of affection. This is just a thought and I wish you the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> Hello,

This is just my opinion but I think it would be virtually impossible to compete with this guy.
Your wife is now being treated like a princess and can have anything she wants. I would think about contacting a lawyer and see if you can sue him for alienation of affection. This is just a thought and I wish you the best. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bryanp:
I agree with you, at least for now. Much depends on what kind of person WW was before the fog. The novelty of anything can wear off after a time. If WW is not from a rich background, chances are she won't fit the mould and the OM will sense this after his fog lifts some. When that may happen, I don't know, but I think there is a good chance of it. She may not fit in with his friends, family and associates especially if they like OMW. WW may then sense that her position with OM is not secure as it wouldn't be. The rich and powerful are often fickled because they have the means to get what they want and often go after what they don't already have. Just because they can.

That he is willing to go after another man's W and leave his own, says much about his lack of character and loyalty. I think OM is using WW and IMVHO, I doubt WW will last too long with OM. Personally I think 23down's WW will be humbled, but it will be something that must play out on it's own. I wouldn't say anything, just sit back and watch the show. Better yet, ignore the show and just let it happen.

23 DOWN:

I really believe in the MB principles- that As are about ENs and not about money.

I was somewhat insulted by some of the comments here that money is the answer. My FWH is well-off and thought that he could buy me off through all of this. Some folks have implied that the OMW will be happy with just his money. She does not want money. She wants and needs her H just like you want and need your WW.

The same MB rules apply regardless of how much money WSes and OPs have. During PLAN B, he has to meet all of her ENs and probably will fail. Money will help him with meeting some of those needs but not all of the needs. Just like some have said it depends on what is important to your WW.

I would not give up hope just because he has money. Remember "Money is the root of all evil". Stick solid with the MB principles. Do not fall prey to the biases that people have about money.

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

23down,

I sat here and thought long about your question. I tend to lean toward Bryan's post. Although, I can see where Mimi is coming from.

My own thoughts are these. One of the major reasons that marriages break up is money, or the lack of it, and sometimes the handling of it. In your W's case, there will be no lack of it. Whether she gets an allowance or is allowed a say in money management, will only be determined AFTER she marries him.

Note, I said AFTER. The other issue is your W. I happen to live in a very affluent portion of the country, and count among my friends people who have acquired substantial wealth. How they have handled it depends very much on their background and what they value. Some wanted to be wealthy so that they could "prove" that they were important and somebody. Some became wealthy because they found something they were very good at and in the end they were very successful. My experience is that I really enjoy being around the later group, and have nothing much to do with the former.

I agree with Mimi that OM's W will NOT be happy with 3.8 Million, for several reasons. One, that is probably NOT why she married him, and secondly, that is NOT alot of money. Certainly given the apparent lifestyle that she and OM lived. I realize too many it is huge, but on the scale of things OM is NOT very wealthy if that is all he will give her. I suspect the jet is leased and in his company name.

Why am I rambling on?? Well, it seems to me, there are two things to consider. If your W wanted out no matter what, they she may be adhering to the old "mother's" dictum, "you can fall in love with a rich man as easily as a poor man". If that is the case the money is important but not THE major issue.

If you W has always viewed money and specifically what it could buy for her as important, then MONEY IS THE ISSUE.

I think the most important thing for you to realize or at least consider, is that the presence of money, means there will be fewer LB's. Her life will seem easy: no children to care for, no H to care for, and everything she wants.

You cannot compete with that. In fact, you cannot compete with OM at all. If this affair is to end it will have to be because either she or he wants it to end and he has the means to make her life a fantasy for quite awhile.

I realize this is not very uplifting. But, I do think money does play a role in this, and I think your W will not realize what that money cost her until she divorces you and marries the OM. Then she will come to realize that the biggest cost is to her daughters and what she lost with them. However, I have noticed that many people don't fully realize the importance of their children until they become grandparents, ie. with age comes perspective. She will try to buy them, and she may be successful, I don't know.

I would encourage you to hang in there, but when you realize that your feelings of love are gone, or more correctly you feel the effort to love her is too much, then you will reach your decision. She doesn't have all the cards here, you do have decisions to make.

Personally, I would wait until she files, but I am not in your position. Meanwhile, do your best to continue your life and make it something you enjoy. Enjoy your D's, and the things you have been given in your life. I know it is hard, but you must come to this realization. You have been gifted beyond your W, enjoy those gifts.

God Bless,

JL

23:

Forgive me, but this is an interesting discussion. I can see "sense" in everything everyone has said here. Bryanp has an interesting suggestion, but I think it's the Harleys that advice the "alienation of affection" be used with caution. Many lawyers are reluctant 2 take it on, and so it can be costly 2 persue. I would hate 2 see you "lose" such a suit because of the OM's deep well.

What's important here, in all this? What I see is a 23down who's still very much in love with his W, a woman who's very mixed up and stands 2 lose a lot that's of far greater value than financial wealth. She's going 2 lose you, sure, but she's also going 2 lose the family that she invested 23 years of her life in. I think it's "easy" for people 2 get "caught up" in OP, particularly OPs with a lot "going for them" but, in the end, that OM can't ever preserve her family his2ry for her, can he?

And so, like JL says, you ultimately make the M-breaking or -saving decision yourself. You hold all the cards here, you just need 2 remember that. I can sense that you're not ready 2 give up on your WW, or you wouldn't be posting for advice on these issues. Like I have done for a large part of my post D-day time on this planet, you're trying hard 2 understand what's going on in your W's head. You're trying 2 predict the fu2re. And like me, you'll probably keep agonizing over these things that she's doing or not doing, thinking or not thinking, for several more months at least. Until... ...you realize that you have always had all the control of your life's direction that there every was, and you can seize it with a renewed self-confidence and move forward.

And perhaps, just like with my W, when you start showing this self-confidence, this emotionally healthy 23down, your W may finally "come around" and choose 2 restore her M and self-respect. If or when that happens, I just hope for her sake that the M will matter 2 you, because it might not. In either case, you will be a better person and father 2 your Ds.

Best,
-ol' 2long

I posted this to 23down on the Plan B thread, but will repeat it here, and possibly add a bit:

Money is nice, the trappings are nice...travel, "things," but you know what? There has to be warmth, love, commitment beneath the dollar signs, and OM certainly doesn't seem to possess those if he is willing to buy off his wife of 34 years. This is a fling for him as much as it is for your wife. I believe she will love the things, luxuriate in her new-found wealth, but will come to realize that money is cold. Money has no heart, and neither, I believe, does the OM she's involved with. This might take a little longer than some A's to burn out because there is the additional appeal of the money and that is having a very real seductive effect on her. She will realize eventually that money is a tool to the OM, a bargaining chip. He will use it to buy emotions and favors - love, forgiveness, etc. I have seen this happen. My father, while not a multi-millionaire, or even a millionaire, did it to my mother throughout their marriage, and my mother became empty of emotion. They would have an argument, and rather than apologize, my father would leave a check for my mother on her dresser. Very sad. But this message is intended to buoy you, because I don't believe this relationship will last. You will have to be patient, however, because it may take a while to end.

I also feel that your W, 23down, is the toy du jour for the OM, who is, I am sure, very used to getting whatever he wants, whenever he wants, purely because of his deep pockets. Your W may actually end up seeing him use the money in ways she hates, much like my father did to my mother, or worse.

I do not agree with those that feel 23down can't compete with this. In fact, I think 23down has much more depth than his WW will eventually determine her OM has. Money is cold, love is warm. 23down's WW will learn that...patience. Give it time.

*S*

Sparkle,

While I fully agree with most of what you say, I don't agree with your assessment of his ability to compete with OM.

At this point in time, in his W's eyes there is NOTHING that she likes as well as she likes the OM. It is the nature of the fantasy of an affair. Prince Charming has swooped down in his corporate jet and taken her to paradise where he will bedazzle her with gifts, food, great sex, etc.

23down is simply a father and loving husband who is deeply hurt. How can that compete?? Right now it cannot. What he offers she does not value.

Will she? I think you are right she will someday, but now?? No.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Agree 100%. Did not mean now. I realize the power of the multiple seduction right now. I mean, hopefully, eventually.

*S*

Thanks to all for the replies. This seems to be the type of question that generates several different opinions.
mimi says: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really believe in the MB principles- that As are about ENs and not about money.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's take a look at that first, since this is the MB site. As I see my situation:

1. affection = I cannot give WW affection while in PlanB, OM is showering her with it.
2. conversation = Ditto. Plus, this is OM's strength. WW has said that she finally has someone she can really talk to.
3. honesty and openness = I would have to think I've got OM on that one.
4. financial support = Yikes! OM is loaded.
5. family commitment = Definitely one for me. I am WW's childrens father and a damn good one. Ds will have nothing to do with OM, his children want nothing to do with WW.
6. sexual fulfillment = They are having an affair.
7. recreational companionship = Dinner. Dancing. Barbados!
8. physical attractiveness = OM looks OK, probably even better in Armani.
9. domestic support = That's what the maid is for.
10. admiration = How can I admire WW right now? Not sure about OM.

So, it looks like OM is able to meet a much larger number of ENs than me. But he can never meet them all. And until the A I would have sworn that family commitment and honesty were two of my WW's most important ENs. I do not know now, but for my family's sake I hope so.

Now for the other side. It is possible that my WW simply wanted out. I do not think that WW is a gold-digger, I am sure she has feelings for OM. But I also know that money has played a part in the A. If nothing else it has enabled them to have contact with each other despite the distance. And WW knows that I will continue to take care of our Ds while OM buys her things that I probably never could. Like it or not we live in a material world.
WSs are looking for an escape from the ordinary and wealth can provide the means for escape. An A is about fantasy, and I think money can help fuel the fantasy for a long time.
2long of course is right, I am still very much in love with WW. But I can feel that love starting to fade and I am beginning to fear that I will run out of love long before OM runs out of money.

Never underestimate the jadedness of a wealthy man.

23down,

PLEASE...you sound like you are giving up. Don't you DARE! You are writing the answers to situations you know nothing of, first-hand. You're making up the answers. Please, do not do this.

We are here, supporting you, trying to get you to see all the sides.

Please do not give up on your situation. I am - others are - here for you. Don't disappear on us again. Don't give up.

*S*

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]</small>

JL, I think your Prince Charming analogy was right. This A is not only a fantasy for WW, it's like a fairy tale. Right now no one can compete with OM. But then the tortoise couldn't compete with the hare. Slow and steady...
*Sparkle*, don't worry about me giving up. I am in this to the finish. I've done a good PlanA and a solid PlanB so far. Someday I hope to be an old timer telling junior members my story. I just hope it has a happy ending.

Now, back to the thread. What part do you think money plays in an A?

Financial Support is an EN like any other. Some women may have this as a high need and not ever admit it because they were taught it was wrong to think money is too important. So it is possible that money is more important to your wife than she ever admitted to you. However, I think it is more likely that it is the ability to pay for the fun recreational companionship locales, and the freedom wealth brings to spend time together are bigger issues. And, women like to be pursued. He is using his wealth to pursue time with her. That fulfills the admiration need very well. Is your wife's primary love language "Time"? If so, will his business interests eventually destroy their relationship (i.e. did he get his wealth by being a workaholic?)