As you can see by my registration date, I am “oldtimer” but I have not posted in awhile.

There are lots of new names here, but sadly not many “new” stories. I feel for everyone who is here because I know how difficult this is.

In my case I guess I am just trying to close the loop on my story. (I am the BS. My W is the WS) D-day was 2/15/2001. And yeah, it has been along time.

The OM has long been out of the picture (I have remained in contact with his W and she tells me they well into their recovery and I am happy for her) but still my WS and I have been separated for nearly two years now and I have been hanging around hoping we could recover our marriage for nearly three years.

Well, it’s about over right now. My WW has filed for divorce and I guess I have come to accept that. I am sad and scared and disappointed but life in some form goes on.

When my wife told me she was filing this is what she said: “I have never stopped loving you, but this is too broken to fix.” Sigh….

I guess from her perspective it is. I don’t share that philosophy but I guess that doesn’t matter.

Three years has been a long time. In some ways I feel a bit foolish for going the distance, but I believed in the philosophy of not filing for a divorce I did not want. I also knew when all this began that I couldn’t walk away and some day wonder if I hadn’t done all I could. Well, today I feel like I did do all I could. While there isn’t a lot of satisfaction in that now, perhaps in the future I will at least be able to look back at this with fewer regrets.

This has been hard…very hard and there are still some hard parts in front of me. But I have learned a lot about myself and I think I have become a better person. But it is a hard way to learn.

I have had great help from this forum…despite the fact that there will be no recovery for me and my WW. There are too many to thank and mention but in particular people here like Cali and Resilent and Unsureheart, all of whom I don’t see around much any more have offered great support and advice.

Some who are still here like Lor (Lor) and Orchid remain here offering wonderful advice and insight and they, along with others, probably will never know how valuable they are to the many people here who are so badly hurt and in need of some friendly advice or just a kind word.

Peace to all who post here and I hope your own journey has a happy ending, whatever that ending may be. I will keep looking for mine.

E

Elad I am so sorry to hear about your W filing for divorce. Somewhere I read that 80% of those who file for divorce later end up regretting having done so. There is more than a good chance that this action by your wife is one that is going to haunt her for many years to come, and even if this isn't the case, she is certainly doomed for more relationship failures in the future because of her way of dealing with problems. But at least you will have learned a lot, and hopefully will have a much better relationship in the future with an emotionally healthy woman. Don't forget to keep in touch with us and give us periodic updates.

Elad,
You're an oldtimer? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad to see your update, and thank you for the kind words.

This outcome isn't what you hoped for, but I completely recognize the statement your wife makes, that "it is too broken to fix". I heard similar statements from my husband before he changed his mind and wanted the reconciliation. "Too much water under the bridge", "too much hurt to forgive or forget", statements with "You'll never", "I can't"....

A decision made on that basis is out of fear, but you can't make someone not fear, they have to choose to move outside of fear. It doesn't sound like your wife wants to make that choice or make the leap of faith to really try.

You aren't foolish. You are an honorable husband who gave his best effort to save his marriage. I think at some point you will feel, if not satisfaction, at least as little regret as is possible in your situation.

You did your part, you can't do hers.

Do stop back sometimes, you have a lot to offer in terms of strength and consistancy. And, that you've come out the other side a whole and caring person.

God be with you.

Okay, I'm not an oldtimer -- but if W says she never stopped loving you...isn't that a bit of an invitation to step back into her life? Could the D be a last cry for your intervention?

Again, I'm not trying to raise false hope, but...

Dear Elad,

Good to hear from you but sad that your W is still foggy.

Well moving forward is a healthy step for you. The world is not as scary as we are led to believe. You have endured this A stuff and survived. Remember those long posting nights? We all held each other up. It was never a 1 way street of support.

Please keep checking on us from time to time if you can. You have been just as helpful to me.

Of course, I'd much rather you stay and help out since there are sooo many new ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think about those who started posting around when I did and feel like we are siblings of sorts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So hey MB bro' take care and don't forget about us, ok? U are a good catch so when you decide to take that step, stop by and make sure your MB family approves - just kidding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Hi guys...

Thanks for your thoughts.

TMCM: I suspect you are right that there may come a day when my WW regrets her actions. But the fact is that we live in the present and she is acting on how she feels now. I don't think it is rational but who am I to say what her reality is? All I can really do is be good to myself and that's my plan as best as I can manage it. Keep doling out the good advice here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lor (Lor) LOL, yup I am an oldtimer, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and then some. I feel like I have been here for a long, long time.

Why is it that the spouses think they can tell us what we can and cannot forgive, forget or work through? I think maybe they base that on the "old" us and not the person this all makes us. Which I believe is a better, more sensitive and stronger person overall.

I think you are dead right when you say that my WW's decision is based on fear. She is scared to be with me and she scared to be without me...but she has made a decision and, while I am not happy about it I have to accept it.

I would like to say I feel honorable...and maybe you are right. I know I stood for a principle and if there is honor in that, then so much the better. I just know that there is nothing more that I can do. And you are again exactly right: I can do my part; I can't do hers. I have told her that precisely.

Thanks for your response...I appreciate your wisdom and insight.

A.M.: I am not sure about the invitation back into her life...she said she never stopped loving me on the day she had filed for divorce so, I think the invitation is in her action--that we are going to go our separate ways...despite what she may feel.

Is the D a last desparate cry? I dunno. She told me once that maybe she needs to be divorced to realize how big a mistake this was and how much she would miss me in her life. WTF?

I suppose if there was anything missing in my approach to all of this it was a good plan "B"...well, now I guess we are getting close to the most significant plan "B" you can have.

Because I have stayed away from these boards for awhile I really don't know your story. I just knwo that if you are here you are no doubt hurt and sad like so many of us...I wish you the best as you work your way through this time...thank you for your thoughts

Orchid: Are you sure the world isn't as scary as we think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I know what you mean about the connection you feel from the time you begin posting here...I certainly feel it and woonder about some of those people from time to time.

Bless you dear for continuing to post...as I said, you and Lor (Lor) and so many others who have been here for awhile will probably never know how much you have touched others by just "being here."

Take care all and thanks again for your thoughts and support.

The people here are special and the Harley's should be commended for offering this service.

E

No one is stopping you from asking her out on a date after the divorce is final I guess.

I don't post much... but I lurk and come out of lurkdom for my 'old' friends and for newbies whose stories seem much like mine....

O Elad... it is too bad that life can't be like Burger King where we can 'have it our way.' Just hold tight to the fact that you did everything you could... rest in that.

Thank you for remembering me. I too remember you and others who held me up during that awful summer. I hope you will be heartened by the fact that my H and I seem to be getting closer and closer...

I lurk often. you know the song... 'just call out my name, 'cause you've got a friend...'

Cali

sufdb: You are right no one is stopping me from doing that but, I do think that if we are divorced that is somethingI do not want to do...I guesI woul dfee at that point that it all needs to be behind both of us.

Cali: And how could I not be remembering you? You are the Queen of plan A, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am glad to hear things are working well for you and your H. I do recall that awful summer and the way you worked thru it all. In shock, yes, but never down and out. That's what makes you the Queen... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Take care

E

Elad:

I sure remember you 2. I'm also sorry 2 hear that it's 2rned out this way for you. I agree with Lor, though. 2 many people do things, or don't do things, out of fear. I sure have been guilty of letting the negative things, like fear of rejection or resentment of things I've thought my FWW was thinking/doing get the better of me.

It's 2 bad that not nearly enough people realize that NOT recovering is not a viable option, whether the M survives or not. The individual MUST grow. You have.

♥ -ol' 2long

2long Thanks for the response...

What worries me about my W is what you have said...despite therapy I don't see how she has grown. Changed, yes, but grown in a postive way...geeez I dunno...

But she probably has a different view and thinks her change has been positive...and I suppose it's not fair of me to say it hasn't been...but I am entitled to my opinion....Lord knows I've paid a high enough price to have one... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

E