while the A was ongoing and you did not have an answer for them? My WH asked me the other day what I loved about him and I really stumbled on my answer. This is very scary to me, making me re-think my decision about wanting my marriage. I have tried to write down what and why I love my WH, but everything refers to my pre-A H. If I give him that he would laugh at me saying none of that applys now. Do you BS out there know what I am getting at. Any thoughts

Lisa

Yup.

I think he's baiting you. I think many times they want us to say something that will play into their hands...to make us believe we really don't love them (even if it is not true), to transfer the blame to the BS. See, if we can't find anything to love about them, then it forces our hand...gee, maybe we should file for divorce...the burden of guilt and responsiblity then is transferred from the WS to the BS.

Be prepared. If he says none of that applies now, come back at him with, "of course it does. You are still the same man, in spite of what has happened. The same qualities still exist. We just need a little work to get them back to the surface." Also be prepared to hear that he doesn't "deserve" to be loved by you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very scary to me, making me re-think my decision about wanting my marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is precisely the response he is trying for. You are stronger than that. Don't fall into this trap. Keep your focus on the H you loved pre-A. He is still in there. The M will have to be fine-tuned, but the man you love can be found again. Gotta believe.

*S*

Lisa,

You asked for BS's opinions. Would you be interested in the opinion of a FWH?

Oscar

OtG,

By all means ..yes please, maybe it will help me understand my WH.

Thanks

Lisa

Lisa,

My FWS asked same question during and after A's. The trick is to turn it to your advantage. I made a list of things I genuinely love H for. Granted, they were mostly things I remembered from Pre-A times. But I sent him a huge list designed to trigger happy memories that the two of us had together. Think about what LoveBank deposits he's made since you met him and include all of them. I included a lot of silly stuff as well, to make him smile. I made mention of a great number of common interests that we have.

"Because you're the only one who understands/appreciates..."

"Because you took care of the baby while I was sick."

"Because you let me put my cold feet against you at night."

"Because you can fix stuff."

Things like that.

I emailed him the list, as he tends to try to deflect compliments. He sent me one back stating that he was awed and humbled.

In my case, I think his question stemmed from low self esteem and guilt. The guilt is something I couldn't help him with much, but I was able to make him understand that I do appreciate the man he really is and meet an EN for the admiration that he'll probably never confess he needs.

I'm eagerly awaiting Oscar's response to this thread.

Lisa, I 2 have the same response as others , most of what any BS will say will be in line to PRE-A .

Everyones situation is different in away , I told My fws all the resons why I loved him all the qulities I feel in love with .

I even tried tofind someofthe things while contact was still going on, things like knbowing that he was trying not to hurt OW (it showed he knew he hurt someone else ) that was a hard one .

As well as trying to bait you, possibly he is looking for some assurance that he can still be that man , that the person you know is still in there . If you still can see it and rember it then it may help him to think more clearly of himself .

His self esteem is low as well so he may need a lift . (don't know if it makes sense )

I agree I would write it down and give it to him with some very clear memories of the reasons .

Be well !

Ironically my wife called me her soulmate while having her affair. And often commented about how we were different from other couples as her kid sister and a friend ended thier unhappy marriages during the affair.

She did from time to time ask me in a little girls voice...." tell me why you love me?"

But then again too she often in an angry voice would tell me how "mean" I was to her during the affair and it would be literally over nothing.

Hi Lisa,

What others have said here may be true. It might be a big trick, or maybe some head-game.

But I wanted to offer another opinion, just for consideration.

I was the WS in my M. And I did ask my wife this question...a few times. And, to me, there are two other possibilities.

Your H is still in his A, according to your sig line. Think back to when your relationship was new with your H; you were probably both telling each other all the time how much you loved each other, and why. "Oh, I love the way you .....", etc., etc., etc.

Well, he's in the middle of a fairly "new", albeit wrong, relationship. And he's probably hearing these things from OW. I wonder if he isn't at a point where he is trying to make a decision. He's hearing from OW how much she loves him; maybe he's wondering if you still love him, especially after all he's done to you. Maybe he's trying to figure out if there is any chance still with you, or if he has completely ruined all possibility for recovery.

The other option is one that I don't know applies here, but after my A was found out, and I jumped into N/C and all, I was feeling pretty "unlovable". I started realizing what all I had done to hurt my wife, and I HONESTLY couldn't understand why she wasn't out the door. I couldn't understand what there was to love about me. I didn't understand the level of love she had for me.

So, what I'm saying is this. The others may be right. This may be a trick, and you maybe should keep your guard up. I can't tell you they're wrong. But this also might be an attempt by your H to understand your love for him, and how deep it really is. Being guarded and removed might protect you from being hurt some more, but it might also send him the wrong signal...that your love for him has been damaged beyond the point of repair. Don't play games. In a marriage you have to be honest, or it will never work. Even if you think he's playing games, it will still behoove you to be honest.

Just my opinion.

Oscar

Thanks for the replies...

Dobie...I think your list is a great idea and yes there are plenty of things we have shared the past 6 1/2 yrs I can use. All I have to do now is remember them...my mind has been so clouded the past 8 months. He has asked me this question a few times over the past couple of weeks. Maybe he is waiting for the reasons..I guess I will find out.

3..Yes I am sure self-esteem is low right now so much has happened the past month. Strangely enough though I am starting to see glimpses of my pre-A H. Even with him telling me he is going to leave me because he loves me so much one day and the next he says at this point in time I so much want you in my life. I think it is time to put my reasons down on paper.

Stunned...my WH also just comes up to me and says hug me and tell me why tou love me. And at times he is so angry at me for things I have said during his A. But then comesback to me and says you have every right to say those things.

OtG...You make incredible sense and thank you very much. I really dont think its a trick only because of what you said about not honestly understanding why your W wanted to be still married to you. My WH asks me this constantly and constantly why I would still want him after everything he has done to me. Yes I am going to write all my reasons down and include many memories with them. I bet he doesnt even know all those little things he has done add up to love. Maybe it is time to enlighten him


Keep the responses coming this is helping me understand me...and him


Thanks


Lisa

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Lisa,

Try starting a list and see what comes to mind. What would you have to lose by telling him the reasons?

Would it be a good idea to email a list like that to a WH if you are seperated and in the beginning of D proceedings?

I agree that a lot of these WS's have a lot of guilt and low self esteem problems. I never realized that until now that my WH must be really hurting inside.

But even though things are as bad as they can get and I am having minimal contact w/ him, would a list like that maybe help to boost his esteem?

I believe he phrased it as "why do you do love and how can you?"It was a hard question,and honestly I know alot of people dont want to read this answer bu I believe its gotta be God letting me stay functional...

Another FWS here....

I will admit....I asked my H before, during, and still now after my A. The reason is not to manipulate or to play a game, but to really see why he loves me. Not necessarily why he stays with me.

Every situation is slightly different. Before my A, my H emotionally and physically "left." In other words, we were having no physical relationship, and as for emotional involvement, he was irritated with me all the time - things I would do, things I could not control, etc. So I really did need to know why he loved me. It seemed based on his bahavior that he could not stand me. And I kept wondering how a person who was acting that way toward me, and feeling that way about me could really love me.

During the A, I asked him because his behavior toward me did not change. And even though I was involved in an A, I knew in my heart that it was really my M that I wanted to save. But I couldn't understand what about me he loved since he was still irritated at almost everything I did.....

I ask him now because I have only made things worse with what I have done. Part of me just waits for him finally to admit that he really doesn't want me - that he is just afraid to let go of me (not to play a head game, but part of me really believes that this is the real truth). The other part hopes that he is just in a "phase" and that he really does love me for those qualities he says, and will again one day feel comfortable showing it.

I do need to point out that in my situation, I confessed and have from the beginning really fought for the M. He is still unsure of what he wants. He says he cannot picture a life without me in it. But I have been the initiator with counseling, etc. So my situation may be different.

But I think the question really goes both ways. The WS needs to know that it's really possible to love them after what they've done. It's not always a "head game." When we actually come out of the fog, we realize the severity of the consequences related to our actions.....but then we are stuck with the reality that we cannot take our actions back. The BS needs to know from the WS that they are first - not second fiddle or the "backup." That they are also what the WS wants....

About the WS's low self esteem - look at these boards, and see all of the horrible feelings posted from BS's. As WSs, we know we are solely responsible for the same feelings in our BS. We GAVE our BSs a cancer of the M. Most of the time, we feel what we did was unforgiveable. In fact, many of us will never truly and completely forgive ourselves. Consequently, we try to understand why and how our BSs are choosing to forgive us (if they are).

Again, just the perspective from this FWS. Good luck, Lisa

Dobie,

I have already wrote my letter and stated my reasons for loving him. I started with his qualities that I fell in love with and then mentioned a long list of LITTLE THINGS that he does that only fuels my love for him. Like you said, with us on the brink of seperation it cant hurt. Thanks.

ljmk3,

I am reallly not one to give advice for I am so hurt and confused by my own situation, but like many people here have told me..just be honest. I have tried to be since my nightmare has started. I dont know your situation but like many people are saying the WS experience low self-esteem. Maybe he is wondering why you love him and still want to be married to him, if that is the case. Good luck

Lost,

Thanks for the post..I to really dont think its a head game. My WH has been asking me these questions quite often lately. I really do think is he waiting for an answer. I will give him that answer tonight and hopefully he may begin to understand. But I dont think so because my WH doesnt respond to much of anything when it comes to me these days. Well if anything, the words will be in his memory before I give him the last love letter in the form of a Plan B letter, which is written and waiting to be given. Good luck to you.

Lisa

I suppose there are various reasons why people ask, but the most likely reason IMO, is an attempt to find out whether you love them because of who they are, or you would just love whoever was your spouse.