My W had an A which she recently put an end to. It has left her questioning things such as: who she is, does she want to be married, am I the right person for her, etc. etc.
She has asked me for space to try and find out what she truly feels without any persuation from me (in the form of guilt, logic, and to make ME happy). She wants her decision to be hers and hers alone.
My question is this: How do you give space and not give up? I feel like the more we are apart, the more we grow apart. We have both learned so much from this experience that I feel like we are different people now. We don't really know each other anymore. It seems to me that we need time together to get to know each other again and find out if we like the new us. I am affraid that she will become acustomed to not having me in her life and decide to end our marriage.
We are going to couples counseling once a week and she is considering one other meeting a week, but that feels like so little time to get to know someone. She is staying at her fathers house and I am at home.
I don't want to give up, but I feel like so much space between us is a move away from our marriage/relationship. I am trying to be patient, but it is so hard.

Any advice out there???

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: Neb ]</small>

Neb - Time for Plan A - hope you have read all about it. I did not do it (I was too new to this stie and it sounded like a bunch of crap to me) but I wish I had. During this time take care of yourself, and force yorrself to do lots of activities. I made myself walk, swim, go out with frinends, go to church, women's group, fixed up yard, remodeled bathroom, detailed car - you get the idea. You will get satisfaction from these things and will be able to detach emotionally a little from the situation. You cannot make her do anything, but by following MB plan you can give your marriage a fighting chance. Hang in there, things will get better and you won't always feel like you do now. Also lots of care and good advice here, keep posting.

It took me a year of seperation to finally gain enough sense of self to figure things out. Generally speaking, though, 6 months is a good goal to reach for to start seeing some real changes. If she's going through her 30 year transition, it's a lot like a mid life crisis for a man. Her personal identity is kind of floating, and she wants to recreate herself. That takes time.

I have heard about this "30 year transition". Is this an actual thing that all women experience? Is there any sorce that I could find to help me understand it more? I find when I understand things better, I can appreciate them more. Thus...allowing me to give her time if she needs it. Why 30? My W is 29, so you might be right.

Also...As I understand it, Plan A is used while the A is still underway. My W has ended the A. Is there a plan for the next step? The time between A and wanting to work on the M?

Intrigued...Neb <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Neb ]</small>

I think Plan A is more about being the best you can be, and allowing your spouse to see that, than it is about getting an A to end. She wants to know that you can change...that you really see your part in the deterioration of the marriage and that you're truly willing to make changes so that it won't happen again. And regardless of whether you get back together or not, Plan A is about YOU making changes for the betterment of future relationships. Be all you can be...see?

I am starting to get it I think. I should join the ARMY right? Hahahaha!

I am going to try. I want her to see that I am capable. If we barely get a chance to interact, when do I get the chance to show her?

Yup, the Army..might as well do something productive with your time, LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WHEN you interact you be all you can be...when you aren't interacting you just work on keeping yourself busy and try to keep your thoughts on the present time and not guessing what she's thinking and doing. It's down time...but you can use it productively.

As she pulls through withdrawl, and if your interactions are fun and light...she'll come looking for more. It's like teaching a semi-wild animal to eat from your hand (I'm thinking squirrel here)...you've got to be patient and wait for them to come to you...when they pull back, you just offer more food and be patient again.

As a spous who has been unfaithful and realized the fault in my ways and informed my wife you may not be interested in my opinion. However, I have been making changes to myself for about a month to become a better husband. During this entire time my wife won't have any contact with me unless it is to do with slitting up our assets. I don't blame her at all this is the consequences of what I have done. However when we talk i ask for forgivness and tell her how muach I love her. Now it seems very possible that she already has found another interest and I have to accept it as yet another consequence to my terrible deeds. But i find myself in your shoes now giving space because maybe I'm pushing her away further. I will continue to love her and continue on my path of soberness which is one of the major factors not the but one contributing factor. I will also keep trying to build qualities that will make me a better husband if she and God ever give me another chance. Finally to the point through this entire siuation I have been told by repeated people that the most direct path we can have with another person is through prayer to God. (Diedrick Bonhoffer). When you can't do anything else and only a miracle seems to be the answer the best we can do is pray and continue to better ourselves untill we get that chance. Maybe I'll never get a second chance but a least I know that I have done what I can to change it another chance is given.

Never give up Hope, Just give control to someone who can handle the situation