It has been a few months since I last posted. My
w has been cheating,lying for most of our 18 years,and we have 2 teen agers. She has lyed to the counseler,sisters,friends,and mostly me.
She starts at work as a cashier by being friendly which I have no problem with,but then she starts flirting,taking phone numbers,and then the guy hangs around for an hour ,or more parks his car out of sight,and then when I confront her she starts lying. This is how past affairs have started. She then says she is losing interest in the marriage. That's cause she has other men to be with.If I had a girl on the side I would not give her as much attention. What hurt me last week to come back on here was that she told her sisters that I dont want her talking to men which is riduculous,and a lie. I am telling her sisters the whole story this week that it has to do with the men hanging out.I have put up with this,but I wont accept it. SHE NEEDS TO CHANGE,SO THERE ARE NO LIES,AND ARGUMENTS.Dont you think its wrong for her to flirt,and go over the friendship line cause of her past affairs? HELP

Mister Steve, with her track record, it is wrong of her to talk to men. She is trying to make you feel silly for not trusting her and you are falling for it. Of course you shouldn't trust her. Only a nut would trust an untrustworthy person. When she accuses you of not trusting her, AGREE WITH HER! Tell her: "of course I don't trust you. You are untrustworthy!" I wouldn't talk to her sisters, this is none of their business.

However, you can't change her. She need to accept her how she is and quit fighting this losing battle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SHE NEEDS TO CHANGE,SO THERE ARE NO LIES,AND ARGUMENTS.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes she needs to change but you can't force her to change if she isn't willing to do so. Besides she has NO incentive to change because she KNOWS that you won't divorce her. Will divorcing her make her change? I don't know but I can tell you that according to my XWW (to whom I was married for 15 years), it was my leaving her and divorcing her that was the catalyst for her emotional meltdown and subsequent committment to individual therapy that helped her become a healthy person. You can only change you, and that includes whether you want to continue being her H.

I HAVE ONE IDEA THAT MAY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. GIVE YOUR WIFE A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. MANY PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE THAT THEY DON'T REALIZE OR CARE WHAT THEY ARE DOING UNTIL THE TABLE IS TURNED ON THEMSELVES. FIND A CUTE GIRL WHO WILL GO ALONG WITH THIS IDEA AND MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE SEES THAT YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING THAT SHE IS DOING. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ACT WHEN THEY GET TREATED THE SAME WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK!

I have a better idea. Turn off your caps lock so we can better read your posts.

I HAVE ONE IDEA THAT MAY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.
It'll likely make it much worse as well as making him feel bad too. He doesn't like it when she does that so why would she like it?

MANY PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE
And this is a perfect example of that.

YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ACT WHEN THEY GET TREATED THE SAME WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK!
And would you want your wife coming back because you "tricked" her into it? Or would you want her back because she made a choice to come back?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dean790:

I HAVE ONE IDEA THAT MAY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. GIVE YOUR WIFE A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. MANY PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE THAT THEY DON'T REALIZE OR CARE WHAT THEY ARE DOING UNTIL THE TABLE IS TURNED ON THEMSELVES. FIND A CUTE GIRL WHO WILL GO ALONG WITH THIS IDEA AND MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE SEES THAT YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING THAT SHE IS DOING. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ACT WHEN THEY GET TREATED THE SAME WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably a better idea instead is for MisterSteve to follow Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

If she has been lying and cheating for 18 years she is not going to change until she sinks to the bottom of a pit and comes to a realization that she needs to change. I agree with TMCM that divorce might be the catalyst to make her look at herself and go into therapy.

Mister,
Look at TMCM's whole list and do them. It isn't just divorce or the threat of divorce that will work for you. It is you working for you that will work. We get stuck and think that we have no choices TMCM gave you 34 choices. Look up M Davis and find out what else she has to say... it sounds like she is a pretty good compass for those who are a little lost as to which way they should go
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dean790:
<strong> I HAVE ONE IDEA THAT MAY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. GIVE YOUR WIFE A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. MANY PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE THAT THEY DON'T REALIZE OR CARE WHAT THEY ARE DOING UNTIL THE TABLE IS TURNED ON THEMSELVES. FIND A CUTE GIRL WHO WILL GO ALONG WITH THIS IDEA AND MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE SEES THAT YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING THAT SHE IS DOING. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ACT WHEN THEY GET TREATED THE SAME WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dean790:
<strong> I HAVE ONE IDEA THAT MAY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. GIVE YOUR WIFE A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. MANY PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE THAT THEY DON'T REALIZE OR CARE WHAT THEY ARE DOING UNTIL THE TABLE IS TURNED ON THEMSELVES. FIND A CUTE GIRL WHO WILL GO ALONG WITH THIS IDEA AND MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE SEES THAT YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING THAT SHE IS DOING. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ACT WHEN THEY GET TREATED THE SAME WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi dean
I think my wife might want me to cheat,so she can have more affairs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MISTERSTEVE:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dean790:
I HAVE ONE IDEA THAT MAY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. GIVE YOUR WIFE A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. MANY PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE THAT THEY DON'T REALIZE OR CARE WHAT THEY ARE DOING UNTIL THE TABLE IS TURNED ON THEMSELVES. FIND A CUTE GIRL WHO WILL GO ALONG WITH THIS IDEA AND MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE SEES THAT YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING THAT SHE IS DOING. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ACT WHEN THEY GET TREATED THE SAME WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi dean
I think my wife might want me to cheat,so she can have more affairs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MS you are right. Doing that would just releive whatever little conscience she has left and encourage her to have more affairs. Revenge affairs are always a bad idea and just increase the likelihood that the marriage will end.