I posted this in Plan A Plan B thought it might be better here in Gen ??
Please give me advice is there anyone out there who has marriage has survived their spouses affair while there is contact? I have posted on another site and the message is always no contact. My h works in close contact with the ow 3 days a week and thinks it is impossible to change things. I found out about their 2 year affair 7 weeks ago and we are in counselling and in many ways we are closer now but this no contact thing is getting to me. Our MC has of course told him she would prefer NC and that the healing process will be longer and harder for me but he is adamant that he is committed to me now and they have a totally business like relationship. I have told no one of their affair and am on the brink of revealing it to all unless he asks her to leave. He is a dentist she is the hygienist and he has a partner who he says will be affected if she goes. It is hard enough dealing with the betrayal but to know she is there with them 3 days a week is killing me more.
Today he said that when I discussed her leaving that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Can you believe it??
Can anyone tell me if they have survived a situation like this??
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HI I AM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION AS YOURS, WITH THE EXCEPTION THAT WE ARE ENGAGED AND NOT MARRIED. MY FIANCE WORKS WITH THIS WOMAN IN CERTAIN PARTS OF THE DAY. THE THING IS SHE IS MARRIED AND VERY BOLD. SHE AND I HAVE HAD CLASHES AND SHE ACTUALLY FOLLOWED ME HOME FROM THE STORE ONE DAY, AND WE, MORE LIKE I HAD TO CALL THE POLICE ON HER. MY FIANCE HAS CAUSED ME GREAT PAIN IN THIS BECAUSE HE HASN'T DONE ALL HE COULD DO TO RESIST HER AND ON TOP OF THAT TIMES WHEN HE PROMISED ME HE WOULD NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER HE HAS. HE WENT AWAY TO THE WAR AND I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR. I FOUND OUT WHILE HE WAS THERE. I WAS THERE FOR HIM AND HE BETRAYED ME. HIS FAMILY AND MY FAMILY THOUGHT WE WOULD GET MARRIED WHEN HE CAME BACK BUT WE ARE STUCK AND I CAN'T MARRY HIM UNTIL HE REGAINS MY TRUST. WHEN HE CAME BACK HE WAS TOTALLY COMMITTED TO ME OR SO IT SEEMED. SHE WAS COMMITTED TO HER HUSBAND OR SO SHE SAID. THEN SHE STARTED CALLING AGAIN. SINCE HE'S BEEN BACK THEY HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER THE WAY THEY DID BEFORE (OR SO HE SAYS) BUT HE WOULD NOT STOP TALKING TO HER. HAVING SAID THAT IT MEANS I DO NOT TRUST HIM. WE FOLLOWED THE STEPS OUTLINED IN BETRAYED SPOUSE 101. HE TOLD HER HE WAS CUTTING OFF COMMUNICATION WITH HER TO THEN GO BEHIND MY BACK AND TALK TO HER AGAIN. HE TELLS ME, "OH I ENJOY TALKING TO HER AND WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT SEX OR HAVING A RELATIONSHIP." HE HAS OVERLOOKED MY REPEATED DEMANDS TO STOP TALKNG HER BECAUSE IT HURTS OUR RELATIONSHIP. AFTER TALKING TO HIM WEEK AFTER WEEK FOR OVER 2 MONTHS NOW HE FINALLY STOPPED TALKING TO HER FOR ABOUT 5 DAYS NOW (AND i''M LEARY OF THIS EVEN). WE'RE LOOKING INTO COUSELING NOW. BEFORE THIS WEEK HE WOULD WEAVE BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN REALLY TRYING NOT TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER TO COMMUNICATING WITH HER. I HAVE DONE MY WORK AS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR LOOKING AT HIS CELL PHONE LOG AND FINDING OUT IF HE CONTACTED HER. I HAVE CALLED THE CELL PHONE COMPANY AND VERIFIED TIMES WHEN HE HAS AND HASN'T TALKED TO HER. AFTER WORKING ON THIS THING FOR OVER 2 MONTHS NOW, AND THIS IS AFTER WORKING ON THE RELATIONSHIP DISCOVERING IT ALMOST HALF A YEAR AGO. THIS WEEK HE FINALLY HAS ACTUALLY GONE DAYS NOT TALKING TO HER. SOMETIMES I CAN TELL HE IS HAVING WITHDRAWAL AS A RESULT AND I WONDER WILL HE GIVE IN OR FIGHT HARDER TO HOLD ON. TO BE HONEST MY FAITH IN GOD HAD HELPED ME THROUGH THIS BUT I'M SO WEARY IN FIGHTING FOR THIS THAT SOMETIMES I WISHED THAT I COULD JUST WALK AWAY. I BELIEVE THAT I CAN BUT I'M HOLDING ON BECAUSE I HAVE HOPE. BUT IT IS A DAILY WORK AND I'M JUST TIRED. I HAVE MADE SOME DECISIONS ABOUT US AND I AM ACTUALLY STARTING TO WORK ON ACCEPTING THE POSSIBILITY THAT WE MAY EVENTUALLY BREAK UP THOUGH FOR NOW I AM TRYING ALL I CAN TO HANG IN HERE. ANYWAY THAT IS ALL I CAN SAY. I PRAY YOUR SITUATION WILL BE BETTER AND THAT YOU WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO GO THROUGH IT. I AM THANKFUL FOR DR. HARLEY AND MARRIAGE BUILDERS BECAUSE IF THINGS DOESN'T WORK OUT WITH US I WILL HAVE SKILLS AND VALUES TO USE IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. I WISH YOU WELL.

sheeba, get ready for a long hard iffy road if you have to deal with continued contact. Your marital recovery is contingent upon his WITHDRAWAL and that is unlikley to happen with her still in his life. Harley says that recovery is almost impossible and I believe him, because every time he sees her, it puts you and HIM back to D-Day.

Affairs are addictions, so every time he sees her would be akin to an alcoholic having a drink. He will never fully withdraw from her. It will be like playing Russian Roulette in that you just hope he can withstand a temptation that he was not able to withstand before. You are essentially being asked to trust an untrustworthy person: your husband.

Here is what Harley said in one of his columns:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

"Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
"http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthiswork:
<strong> I HAVE MADE SOME DECISIONS ABOUT US AND I AM ACTUALLY STARTING TO WORK ON ACCEPTING THE POSSIBILITY THAT WE MAY EVENTUALLY BREAK UP THOUGH FOR NOW I AM TRYING ALL I CAN TO HANG IN HERE. . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just curious why you would possibly consider him marriage material? Why would you even consider marrying someone who is untrustworthy? The purpose of dating is to determine if a person is compatible marriage material. A test of sorts. Hasn't he failed that test?

Can you imagine going through this hell in the future except with a mortgage and 3 little kids and no means of support? All the counseling in the world will not give a person character. Please run for your life while you have a chance, dear, you deserve so much better than this.

Sheeba --

I lived with Myad having contact with OW#1 for 11 years ... as long as there is contact you never totally heal and it undermines any trust you and he hope to build in the relationship.

Now that he has had A#2 -- and through MC we realize what his continued contact with her did to us. For 11 years he resented that I would not trust him fully -- he also learned how deeply I never healed from A#1.

After the A#1 was over he worked with OW for the next year... and called, sent email and had dinner with her for the next 10 after she moved away.

With his A#2 I beleive that I set up some of this new A up because I allowed him to be a cake eater the first time. (long story as to why, go on my website for the links to my stories).

But now, with this A, I have MB and a good MC and it has made a world of difference. It took 17 months after d-day for him to write both NC letters (he wrote them two weeks ago), and he mailed out the one to OW#2... he's actually been in NC with OW#2 for 5 months, but I wanted the letter.

OW#2 actually volunteered to leave the company after d-day... 6 weeks later I took her up on it, because it was the only way I knew that my marriage could be saved ... when she left the FOG slowly began to clear. (story links also on my website)

He also wrote an NC letter for OW#1 -- but hasn't mailed it yet. In my hurt and pain over the last 17 months I deleted all OW#1's contact info from his system, so he is waiting for her annual holiday email to send it out.

Now with NC I am beginning to heal and put things away ... and when the NC letter to OW#1 goes out a long open wound will begin to heal.

I don't know what the future will bring .. but I can only tell you the past and the hell and pain it brought me to have him in contact with her, even if they were only just "friends" now.

IMO all healing is undermind if there is contact ... all YOUR healing. And your WH cannot tell you how to heal or what you need to heal or how fast... "Surviving An Affair" (MB) and "Not Just Friends" are good books .. after you read them you may ask WH to read them too.

oh one last thing.. he has a choice. He can help you heal (which means NC) or you can heal alone (with his continued contact and not meeting EN, etc.).

If you heal with his understanding, commitment and sacrifice you are more likely to stay together... if you heal alone you are more likely to end your marriage to him down the line.

way2

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>