Before I discovered the first of many A's of my XWW (my first wife) she was fond of constantly accusing me of cheating on her, and from talking to other BS it seems that I am not alone. Was this also your experience?

T00MuchCoffeeMan

in my situation, I would say "no". My WS isn't the "jealous" type of person.

It was rather me that was always "worried" about my WS "cheating". In different situations I would simply feel "uncomfortable". I don't know if I would say I was "jealous" I just got a "strange" feeling at times. It didn't happen with all woman and it always depended on the situation.

Strange since I actually found out that my WS cheated on me and since we are in "recovery" I don't feel this anymore.
It's as if something "smacked" in our relationship.

My WS has somehow "grown-up". Due to the fact that I experienced "infidelity" in my family as a child, I was always aware of the pain it causes.
My H comes from an extremely "happy" family and he had a very smooth childhood. He never had much to worry about.Jealousy was never something he had to deal about when it came to me, I simply "never" gave him a reason to feel this.

He still isn't a jealous type of person but he sure does see things differently as he used to.
He now avoides all situations that could cause me to feel "uncomfortable" .

So I never experienced my H of accusing me for anything, it was the other way around.

bb

Although my WS could be a jealous person, cheating on him was something he never, ever accused me of. I was never unfaithful throughout the 10 years we were together. He trusted me 100%, tells me now he could trust me more than he can OW ~ not surprising! It was the opposite way around between us, I would accuse him of cheating on me.

But then he first gave me reason to believe he may be cheating when I'd found a letter in his pocket (from a woman refusing his advances because she apparantly had not wanted anything to do with a married man with committments!!)... only a year after marrying him, which he'd claimed had been planted on him as a birthday joke. I hadn't believed him.

He then went on to prove he was a cheater, six years after this and four years ago, when he had a one night stand.

I lost trust in him then completely, but still forgave him, hard as it was.

Four years after the one night stand, he left me for the OW and has been gone several months now.

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: Lianne37 ]</small>

First, I have to admit I wasn't a very loving husband. I put alot of burden on my W and didn't show her the affection and love she needed. I guess that's why she is having her affair. Now to the point, she accused me or more jokingly would say I was cheating on her or I like this person or that. I think she knew I would never do this and was saying it so that I would give her the attention she needed. She even went on to say later that she was talking to other guys at work and how they thought she was such a good person, etc. I think she was trying to make me jealous so I would fight for her. I realize now that it was a HUGE cry for attention from me. Looking back I see all the times she "cried out" for some response from me that I cared and I never showed her that I did. I just figured she knew. I hope some day I can show her how I really feel and we can get through this. I wish I had realized these things before any of this had ever happened. This is only my perspective on this with my particular situation...

Well mine had a very low self esteem. So she often resented many things. For example she resented her mother paying more attention to her needy younger sister. During the affair she commented that her mother was worrying about her sister but didn't have a clue her world was going to hell. Very odd at the time but now knowing the affair was going on it makes sense.

She resented and was jealous of the fact she beleived the kids loved me more than her. Not necessarily true but I was Mr. Mom while she focused on her job and college degree. So it was quite common for our kids to reach for me wanting comfort when they skinned a knee or had the flu.

She did express envy that I was passionate about golfing but she didn't have a hobby or sport to play. Ironically she expressed this during the affair making me feel guilty for golfing so much. Sort of bummed me out because she did indeed have a hobby....the affair.

Its pretty logical to assume that a high number of wayward spouses are the jealous types. Makes sense because jealous people tend to have low self esteems much like a high percentage of wayward spouses.

TMCM-

Interesting question and some interesting answers.

As for W and I? Before the A, I never accused her of having an A or being jealous of her. As soon as she met her OM, I knew something was up and was jealous right away. Post-A, I get jealous very easily and often wonder if there is another OM.

For her? Pre-A, I don't remember her being too jealous, I know she never accused me of having an A. I had some female friends that she didn't trust so I have drifted from them, but that is the only jealousy that I recall from her. During the A, she accused me of several affairs and when I said truthfully that I wasn't having one she asked why not and even suggested women for me. Post-A, she hasn't accused me of any A's but has expressed concern with me about some women I know.

Thanks for posing the question.

TMCM
My W was always going on about me being fatally attracted to someone else. In hindsight this stopped - probably when the A started.

I'm curious why you are still analysing your previous M especially the WS's role. Is it for your own growth or for MBers?

NS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Newsunrise:
TMCM

My W was always going on about me being fatally attracted to someone else. In hindsight this stopped - probably when the A started.

I'm curious why you are still analysing your previous M especially the WS's role. Is it for your own growth or for MBers?

NS </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only reason why I started this thread was that this little curious phenomenom was recently brought to my attention by two friends (one male the other female) in talks regarding their WS's. Even my W said that her XWH used to accuse her of cheating on him. So I was curious if my fellow MB members also had experienced this curiously strange behavior from their WS.

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Mr. Coffee,
My wife had an interesting approach before A, during A and even today. If we walk by an attractive woman, she'll say something like, "there's a cute one for you." During each period I believe she had differing motivations. Before the A she was testing me and probably was looking for a posative self-esteem boost ie "no, your the cutest one for me." During the A she probably wanted me to have wandering eyes due to the guilt she may have felt. Today I think she does it for the two reasons combined. Because of my occassional thoughts of a revenge affair I wish she wouldn't.

I wish I could remember back to the A time frame to see if she did it more often.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because of my occassional thoughts of a revenge affair I wish she wouldn't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So.... have you said that to your wife? "Hon, I'm uncomfortable with those comments because I occasionally think about having an affair and your comments encourage me to do it. How would you feel about not saying that anymore?"

TMCM,
I was the WS. I did not have a reason to accuse my W of having a A. I suppose it is a way of taking the focus off of the guilty one.
H

I don't know about "many" but I know that I am the jealous type, and I was the WH.

But the jealousy, IMO, was another symptom of my poor self-esteem and self image. I felt like every other guy out there had more to offer than I did; so, in my mind, why wouldn't my wife be attracted to other men?

Plus the fact that my wife has always had a low sex drive. Sometimes when I felt like I wasn't getting enough, which was most of the time, I would start imagining that she was maybe getting it somewhere else, rather than just not being interested.

In short, I guess since it's often stated that poor self-esteem is a big factor in why WS's do what they do, and poor self image is also a factor in jealousy, that it would make sense if a WS was also the jealous "type".

Oscar

I never had the impression that he trusted me 100%.

I don't recall my WH ever outrightly accusing me of cheating, but there were a number of times before the affair when he said he was worried that someone (better than him) would steal me from him. (This also ties in with his belief that I was a possession of his)

As the affair began to get underway (looooong before DDay) he started to hint that I might cheat. I was going away from home for 2 months and he made the comment that I had better remember the Pill just in case I got together with someone!!!!! ....... I couldn't believe he said that. But now it makes sense - he was trying to normalise his behaviour perhaps, or maybe he was trying to put the idea of having an affair into my head so he wouldn't be the only one to cheat.

I could write exactly what Enigma wrote.

My H never actually accused me of cheating but would tell me that he worried someone would "steal me" from him. I don't think he trusted me 100% either.

He has asked me since we have been in recovery if I had a PA with my best friend (female). He said he was always suspicious about us. ?? I think he was trying to take the focus off of himself and trying to find a reason to justify his A.

I think because of his behaviour...multiple A's, always checking out other women...he assumed I was doing the same thing.

sss