This is my first time posting anything so please bear with me. We have been married for 3 1/2 years and have no kids. After 15 months of having an emotional affair with a coworker, the anxiety of everything came to fruition for her. She has told me that she does not want to lose me, and says that continuing to come home to me won't change her behavior. So, she has recently been staying at a local motel for the last 12 days or so. She has called me every other day to talk about our daily lives and has even gone as far as telling me that she loves me (words she hasn't been able to utter in over a year). She also has called crying to tell me as well. Against my inner feelings, I don't call her in order to give her space. How long should I be withholding my feelings and how long before she comes home? I am confident that we can get through this. However, I question whether or not that's possible if she continues to work at her current job. I wish it were as she is in a wonderful situation. From my understanding, this man who seperated from his wife 2 years ago keeps pushing, etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"How long should I be withholding my feelings and how long before she comes home?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB. I strongly suggest that you get you buy and read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'. In the meantime read all the important concepts and articles on this website, especially the one regarding Plan A and Plan B (I have a link below that can immediately take you to the article).

Avoid ALL love busters such as: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior, and annoying habits for they will only end up pushing her further into the arms of the OM.

Take advantage of the goodwill you two have to ask her to fill out the ENQ(emotional needs questionaire) and the LBQ(love busters questionaire). Click on the links below and print two copies of each questionaire (one for her and one for you). If both of you fill out the questionaires, BOTH of you can find out what your most important emotional needs are, as well as what love busters both of you have been engaging in.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks for the quick advice. I actually did read "Surviving an Affair" and found it to be very helpful. It's amazing to be able to compare and see the behavior unfold before you as the book describes.

I know myself and know that I can forgive her. I've expressed repeatedly that I want to focus on the future. I have continued to avoid all love busters (sometimes it's hard to but I do). I guess I'm just looking to move things along faster. I want to start the recovery and rebuilding stage. I have expressed a lot of patience thus far and don't want to sacrifice anything by pushing her, yet the uncertainty of everything drives me nuts.

I know it's hard to tell, but do you feel that her expressing her feelings for me (although be it by phone) is a positive sign. I have no one to talk to as I don't want to compromise family or friend relationships at this time. I have spoken with a MC on an individual basis but have stopped going until this limbo stage has passed. She is also in individual therapy and wants to iron out her feelings before couples therapy.

It's just very difficult not knowing how to meet her needs right now and not being the one she turns to for help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by vaoptimist:
I know myself and know that I can forgive her. I've expressed repeatedly that I want to focus on the future. I have continued to avoid all love busters (sometimes it's hard to but I do). I guess I'm just looking to move things along faster. I want to start the recovery and rebuilding stage. I have expressed a lot of patience thus far and don't want to sacrifice anything by pushing her, yet the uncertainty of everything drives me nuts.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you've done a good Plan A but keep in mind that staying in Plan A for too long while there is no sign that the affair is over, will eventually deplete your love bank and then you won't have enough left for the harder task of recovery. Don't kid yourself that recovery is going to be a piece of cake because it isn't (it is many times harder than dealing with an on going affair) and you just have to go over to the recovery board and read the stories there to see what I'm talking about.

Without begging or persuing her, you must convey to her, calmly, quietly, and respectfully, that while you do love her, that you can't guarantee her that if this situation continues that eventually that love will end, and then no amount of 'I love you' from her will be enough for you to change your mind to end the marriage. This is not an ultimatum but a statement of fact that she needs to be aware of so that she can decide whether to continue her affair or end it and commit herself to rebuild the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it's hard to tell, but do you feel that her expressing her feelings for me (although be it by phone) is a positive sign. I have no one to talk to as I don't want to compromise family or friend relationships at this time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a positive sign in that she is not sure that the OM can satisfy all of her EN's but it is also a sign that she wants to continue to have her cake and it too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have spoken with a MC on an individual basis but have stopped going until this limbo stage has passed. She is also in individual therapy and wants to iron out her feelings before couples therapy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MC counseling is usually a waste of time and money unless she has ended all contact with the OM. And IC is usually not equipped to deal on how to save marriages.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's just very difficult not knowing how to meet her needs right now and not being the one she turns to for help!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why don't you and her fill out the ENQ and LBQ(emotional needs and love busters questionaires) and find out what they are?

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

"MC counseling is usually a waste of time and money unless she has ended all contact with the OM. And IC is usually not equipped to deal on how to save marriages."


Have you thought about doing IC with the same counselor as she has. Of course she has to agree and you could put it that this way eventually after individual issues are ironed out then it would eventually lead to MC.

I started IC, then WS finally said he would do MC, but he wasn't ready. C told us it would be a conflict of interest to do each individually as I was his originally patient. WS tried several IC and all were too "weird" for him and he didn't click as he had with my C. Finally WS was going in a spiral with no help from outside. C said he would take us each individual and would seperate us in his mind but that it would eventually lead to MC. This worked out great because when I was ready to give up IC would lead me back because he knew what was going on with ws. And when WS was ready to give up he would do the same. Although he always said things like. "You have to know you limits and do what is best for you" so he never said don't quit. I felt like he was an advocate for our marriage but also as individuals.

KM4

Thanks for the insight. It is definitely comforting to hear your words of support and a place to get feedback from people who are going through similar situations.

As for IC, she began to go nearly 6 months ago. She has been taking medication for depression. I have never pried too deeply (i have asked her simply if she had a good session) as to what she talks about because I've never wanted to rock the boat. She lost her father when she was a young teenager and that was after seeing her parents go through a divorce due to her father cheating on her mother. My wife's memory of her childhood has always been nonexistent and she has always been one to bottle up her feelings. I think most of the last few weeks is centered around her finally letting these feelings out. And when you combine all these things, you get one very sad woman.

Allowing to me speculate, I think the primary reason for all this was that he was meeting her need of attention. She has always had low self-esteem, and my words of love and adoration must have not been enough. As she would say, I'm supposed to say those things so they can't be true. I'm sure there are needs that I may have not been meeting, and I understand nobody's marriage is perfect but discovery of all this nearly 15 months ago was shocking. In particularly due to her always making remarks pertaining to consequences if I ever did anything like this.

I love her more than anything and she knows that. And I know she loves me. It's just difficult for me to understand why we can't move forward. One of the remarks she gave me was that she could never can see us being intimate ever again. I simply said that in time and with MC, we can discuss those type of things but that my love for her is with her heart and mind more than anything. It's been 10 days now since she went to the hotel and although she has called 4 times, I miss her and want her to come home.

From my reading, I take it that this is Plan B. I'm also having a difficult time hiding things from family/friends, especially with them wanting to know about holiday plans.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"From my reading, I take it that this is Plan B. From my reading, I take it that this is Plan B."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No it isn't. Plan B is the last strategy that the BS(betrayed spouse) implements when Plan A has failed to end the affair. Plan B starts with a love letter from the BS to the WS in which the BS declares his/her love for the WS and the hope of rebuilding the marriage. But because of the great pain that the affair is causing the BS, the only way to preserve that love is for the BS to stop all contact with the WS until the WS ends the affair for good and expresses a desire to commit to rebuild the marriage with the BS. This Plan B letter is given to the WS directly by the BS before s/he goes dark (no contact). The only exceptions for the BS to break contact with the WS is when the WS is ready to follow the pre-conditions stated in the BS's Plan B letter or there are important child related issues where the use of a third party is not possible. If and when you are ready to implement Plan B, you can find a sample of the Plan B letter in the Harley book 'Surviving An Affair' and it is the one that Jon (the BH) gave Sue (his WW).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I'm also having a difficult time hiding things from family/friends, especially with them wanting to know about holiday plans."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take back what I said about you doing a good Plan A because you did not carry out one of the most important components of Plan A which is exposing the affair to the light of day by telling close family and mutual friends about the affair when your WW refused to end it. Of course your WW is not going to be very pleased that you told them the truth but it is vital because affairs are based on lies and deceit and exposure injects a deadly dose of reality. Exposure of your WW's affair is long overdue and I would suggest that you consider telling your mutual friends and close relatives the next time you see them, otherwise you will continue to be an enabler of her affair.