Well, I did it. Thank GOD I did!! I have been up for 2 nights so upset about calling her and being the one to tell her. When I told her she was SO matter-of-fact like "****, the dog got out again"?! But I know why...she said this happened more than once.....and was just completely unemotional about the whole thing, it just made me feel so sad for her-that she has just decided to live with it because she said "I am just hanging around because we have 3 kids". Can you imagine?!!
I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet right now (yes Im being hard on myself) but I always take people at face value-I believed he loved me and would leave her "soon" (the "tears" get me every time!)
I am SURE he will call me and Im not quite sure how to handle that, other than, not showing emotion because I bet he is used to this whole scenario, ya know?
Guys, please be easy on me right now-yes I never should have done it, but atleast I did the right thing in the end....atleast I did that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Lilly,

I'm PROUD of you

when he calls say "It's over, never contact me again" and hang up.

No dicussions .. don't let him worm his way into anything.. a discussion can do that.

It's over NC ... and mean it.

Don't tell him how you feel .. he doesn't care.. he'll just manipulate you.

way2

okay that was my emergency read this post...

now here is the rest . ..

I am proud of you. Doing the right thing is sometimes not easy BUT you just began to regain your dignity and respect back. Now end it totally and go to no contact.

As I said the lines he used were string along lines... and I kinda of thought he had done this before. Yes it is sad that someone stays just because of the children and let's her H use and abuse her this way... she deserves something better.

Did you tell her about this site? If you didn't we should all pray that she makes it here. Maybe your consideration will finally be her motiviation to have her WH stop abusing her and her heart, whatever is left of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> feel like the biggest idiot on the planet right now </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are wiser now .. and you've found out what the ancients have said about affairs and the damage it does all the way around is really true.

Now please do what Jesus said to Mary "Go and sin no more" ... resolve to yourself that NO matter what someone says about their relationship with their W, an affair to you is in the same possibility as committing murder. Not likely, 99.9% not likely.

Some people play with hearts as if it were a deck of playing cards. Married people who engange in affairs ALWAYS do this ... first to the heart of the betrayed spouse, then to the heart of the other person. SOME ONE always get's hurt with affairs, and with selfish behavior.

Tell me you are ending it with this MM and that you will have no contact with him.

way2

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Yay, MissLilly! You go girl!! Now you're starting to see (some of) the truth in all this. You haven't seen it all yet, and I really hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

PLEASE, take the advice that way2 just offered. In fact, be proactive about it. Send him a VERY short note: I am ending our affair as of now. Do not contact me again. Please seek help for your marriage.

And then, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. That's the hard part, because you have no one to keep you honest and "clean" except for us words on the screen.

If you're religious, you may want to seek the solace of a confession to your clergyman. Even if you're not Catholic, a sit-down with a minister, priestess, or shaman in which you confess what happened and ask for help in being strong and getting through this without contact, you'll be heard and supported.

Talk to your family, too. They surely will want to know what's going on with you, and even though it's terribly hard to admit to your parents that you screwed up (especially when you're a "grownup" and supposedly know better), they are exactly what you need right now. Trust me on this one. My parents told me that I'm a complete idiot AND supported me. Pretty much only parents know how to do that.

And if you have a close friend to whom you can be accountable, please use that resource. Promise her that you won't contact your affair partner again. And each time he tries to contact you, tell her what happened, how you avoided contact, and what you're going to do to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Okay, now the pragmatic stuff:

- Get caller ID. Block his phone numbers.
- Block his e-mail address from your e-mail.
- Avoid all of the places you went with him.
- If he sends you a letter, hand it to someone else to have them destroy it.
- Go through your house and get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him. All the letters, all the e-mails. Pictures, gifts, all of it. Throw it away and replace it with things from your family and friends.

And take lots and lots of deeeeep breaths. This is going to hurt. But you'll make it through. And if you need someone to talk to, you can always call me. E-mail me at justj_mb@yahoo.com and I'll send you a number.

Miss Lily,
Way to go. I know my story would be much different if my OW would have called my W... or since she was the one who approached me if I had the courage you had and approached her H. I sometimes see him at the gym and I think "if you only knew", maybe he could have a real marriage again. Remember No more contact!
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by way2:
<strong> okay that was my emergency read this post...

now here is the rest . ..

I am proud of you. Doing the right thing is sometimes not easy BUT you just began to regain your dignity and respect back. Now end it totally and go to no contact.

As I said the lines he used were string along lines... and I kinda of thought he had done this before. Yes it is sad that someone stays just because of the children and let's her H use and abuse her this way... she deserves something better.

Did you tell her about this site? If you didn't we should all pray that she makes it here. Maybe your consideration will finally be her motiviation to have her WH stop abusing her and her heart, whatever is left of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> feel like the biggest idiot on the planet right now </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are wiser now .. and you've found out what the ancients have said about affairs and the damage it does it does all the way around is really true.

Now please do what Jesus said to Mary "Go and sin no more" ... resolve to yourself that NO matter what someone says about their relationship with their W, an affair to you is in the same possibility as committing murder. Not likely, 99.9% not likely.

Some people play with hearts as if it were a deck of playing cards. Married people who engange in affairs ALWAYS do this ... first to the heart of the betrayed spouse, then to the heart of the other person. SOME ONE always get's hurt with affairs, and with selfish behavior.

Tell me you are ending it with this MM and that you will have no contact with him.

way2 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks way2-
Yes I am ending it with him-that is one of the reasons I called. After he got home and the phone calls stopped abruptly, I finally saw how his actions spoke volumes compared to his words! Plus from what others have shared here, I knew if I did it I had to let him go.
My head is still spinning I must admit. I feel like I just came out of a HUGE fog and I am saying to myself "where have you been?!"
Though I hurt inside, I can be thankful I am not her and just pray for all of them.

Misslilly

MissLilly

I'm proud of you to.

You have been good advice on how to handle the call. I for one don't think you will get one myself, but I could be wrong. My FWW never received email again from the shark. Their chosen method of contact.

Well I do hope that you feel relief by informing his W. It does lift certain burdens.

Keep working on yourself.

Good Job

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> MsLilly, You did the right thing. Good job!!

MissLilly67,

It is not about the mistake you had made but what you are doing about it defines who you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> MissLilly67,

It is not about the mistake you had made but what you are doing about it defines who you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .

-rh- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am soooooo feeling like crap right now. I am at work and am so overwhelmed with shame, guilt and sadness....God, I hope someday I can forgive myself.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong> Yay, MissLilly! You go girl!! Now you're starting to see (some of) the truth in all this. You haven't seen it all yet, and I really hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

PLEASE, take the advice that way2 just offered. In fact, be proactive about it. Send him a VERY short note: I am ending our affair as of now. Do not contact me again. Please seek help for your marriage.

And then, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. That's the hard part, because you have no one to keep you honest and "clean" except for us words on the screen.

If you're religious, you may want to seek the solace of a confession to your clergyman. Even if you're not Catholic, a sit-down with a minister, priestess, or shaman in which you confess what happened and ask for help in being strong and getting through this without contact, you'll be heard and supported.

Talk to your family, too. They surely will want to know what's going on with you, and even though it's terribly hard to admit to your parents that you screwed up (especially when you're a "grownup" and supposedly know better), they are exactly what you need right now. Trust me on this one. My parents told me that I'm a complete idiot AND supported me. Pretty much only parents know how to do that.

And if you have a close friend to whom you can be accountable, please use that resource. Promise her that you won't contact your affair partner again. And each time he tries to contact you, tell her what happened, how you avoided contact, and what you're going to do to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Okay, now the pragmatic stuff:

- Get caller ID. Block his phone numbers.
- Block his e-mail address from your e-mail.
- Avoid all of the places you went with him.
- If he sends you a letter, hand it to someone else to have them destroy it.
- Go through your house and get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him. All the letters, all the e-mails. Pictures, gifts, all of it. Throw it away and replace it with things from your family and friends.

And take lots and lots of deeeeep breaths. This is going to hurt. But you'll make it through. And if you need someone to talk to, you can always call me. E-mail me at justj_mb@yahoo.com and I'll send you a number. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you JustJ-I will keep that in mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am soooooo feeling like crap right now. I am at work and am so overwhelmed with shame, guilt and sadness....God, I hope someday I can forgive myself..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Misslilly, you will be able to forgive yourself one day. As long as you maintain no contact, learn from your mistakes and never make them again.

I'm saying this with my former wayward wife (FWW) hat one.

Just keeping posting ... you're awake now. Prayer helps ... do me a favor tonight on your way home from work buy yourself some flowers then go home and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a wonderful and good person, that made a mistake and is learning from it.

Then give yourself a hug from all your MB friends.
(((( Misslilly ))))

It sounds to me like it's a hot cocoa, soft slippers "The Devine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" video night. :-)

way2

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by way2:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am soooooo feeling like crap right now. I am at work and am so overwhelmed with shame, guilt and sadness....God, I hope someday I can forgive myself..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Misslilly, you will be able to forgive yourself one day. As long as you maintain no contact, learn from your mistakes and never make them again.

I'm saying this with my former wayward wife (FWW) hat one.

Just keeping posting ... you're awake now. Prayer helps ... do me a favor tonight on your way home from work buy yourself some flowers then go home and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a wonderful and good person, that made a mistake and is learning from it.

Then give yourself a hug from all your MB friends.
(((( Misslilly ))))

It sounds to me like it's a hot cocoa, soft slippers "The Devine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" video night. :-)

way2 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Way 2-
You are awesome....thank you for saying that! Actually a friend is taking me to dinner tonite, thank God so I dont have to be swimming in this pain all night alone.
Thanks again....cant believe I stumbled on this site...you ALL helped me pick up the phone today...couldnt have done it without you....thank you-thank you-thank you!!
MissLilly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MissLilly67:
<strong> God, I hope someday I can forgive myself..... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HE said ... go and sin no more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Who are we can't forgive ourself when GOD HAS FORGIVEN US <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ?.

-rh-

I am glad to hear that you decided to put an end to things, face the consequences and move on. It has to be one of the hardest decisions to make.

There would not be as many D's if more WS could just do this before it's too late.

Hats off.


True repentance is turning away from what it is you've done and turning to God.

Naturally I place the most importance on ending the affair. How that gets done is not of much consequence, imho, so good on yer...cause I guarantee you, the bridge is burned with this man!!

Spend at least an hour rejoicing that you are out of it and that you changed your circumstances.

Next, make it about you and DO NOT take a single call or email from him. Cut that problem right off at the hip pockets. No contact, no exceptions. Let him work it out, it's his deal and 100% his mess now. (Regrettably, there don't seem to be any immediate consequences awaiting him here on earth, so that takes all the fun right out of that revenge motive...) Look how it turned out--regardless of your motive for telling, the result was not what you expected. It was no news to his wife, and I bet that made you sadder than you ever expected for everyone concerned.

Now for you, on to a healthy life. If you never have another man, in any capacity, ever again in life, you will still be better off than with a married one (realistically that's 1/2 or 1/3 or 1/4 of a man, or whatever it is you end up with, never enough at any rate. The saddest thing about being in a relationship with a married man is that he takes what he wants of what you offer and throws the rest on the floor).

Congratulations! That took guts! One way I handle letters from an old ex is to mark them "return to sender" and drop them back in the post. That way I make NC very clear.