Some days are good, some days are bad. I understand that I need to feel all of this pain in order for me to heal. But today, OUCH!

I am feeling right now that I just won't be able to go on. You know, HE was the one who treasured his independant lifestyle to the exclusion of me. I finally stop trying to hold on and am trying to move forward, accepting that he isn't the least bit interested in me. But he has financial and parental obligations here. He left my house unfinished and under construction. Lastnight the wall was leaking. This is more than I can bear right now. He hasn't given me andy cash in 3 weeks. He cancelled my credit card. And he so carelessly stated that he's going hunting w/ the boys on Thursday. He didn't ask how the kids were doing. He didn't ask to talk to them. And if you wanted to be technical about it, this is his weekend to spend w/ them.

Last night when I talked to him on the phone I told him that I have no reason to argue w/ him and that he needs to stop being ruled by his emotions. I asked him if I relinquished all of my rights to any marital assets then would he still have a reason to be hostile to me?! He didn't respond. And just about everytime I do talk to him he says "This is what you wanted anyway" GUYS...I didn't cheat! I didn't stop counseling! I didn't stop going to church! I tried. I tried w/ everything I have.

Can't I just move away? He can have it all. I just want to be able to forget him and the pain he's caused me. Why does this have to drag out? We're done. Through. No more man and wife. He's not given me any indication to hope for anything different. How can I pull myself together so that I can rebuild my life? Where am I going to get money for gas, groceries and other living items?

ljkm3 - not familiar with your thread but had to respond to your call for help

you have bad days then you have horrible days if you are like me. you just take 1 day at a time and do the best you can. concentrate on YOU!

can you get an attorney to get you the money you need and deserve?

Pray and if you haven't, get an anti-depressant even if you never take meds - it helps.

Read and post here and you will get support and find similar and even worse cases than your own.

Hang in there - night is always the darkest just before the dawn.

DD

Bump^^
ljkm3
Keep in touch with MBers if the pain is great.
Breathe. There is always hope. You know you have grown and will continue to do so. God, knows that you are strong enough to take this.
You say "he can have it all". I take it he doesn't want to have anything of real value - your love. Thats his loss.
Try and get some strenous exercise in - IMHO much better than anti-depresants.
Keep praying, keep up with the Bible study. There are people close to you who will help. Don't be afraid to ask them. Keep posting here. You will come through this.
NS

Duplicate post!!

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Newsunrise ]</small>

That's an understatement...he places a higher value on $. I think that's why I'm struggling so much right now. He is so stupid b/c we have the 3 most beautiful kids in the world. Everything he needs and can't seem to find in his money, profession and political contacts, is right here. We've always loved him.

I do have an attorney. He is, from what I'm told, one of the best out there. But since I am in the beginning stages of this D and since I've never experienced this before I don't have any gauge on how fast or slow this is going. I don't know exactly right now where the light at the end of the tunnel is. I know they are going to file a motion for emergency support. In the mean time he's going out of town again. Never offering $ or even an idea of when he will give any $ to me for the bills. He claims that he's so poor and near bankrupcy but how is it that he can take off again after just being out the country only 2 weeks ago?!

I need to get out there and exercise again. I've been too busy w/ all of the paperwork. I was doing much better when I was working out on a regular basis.

Am I drowning? Tell me this overwhelming feeling of pain won't stay this intense for long.

Honest I'm not being sarcastic when I say take drugs. I had to get on Lexapro because I was feeling just like you and out of control with sadness and depression. Please consider it. Even if you think things are getting better get on a medication because the sadness can sweep over you when you least expect it.

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ljkm3:
<strong>


I need to get out there and exercise again. I've been too busy w/ all of the paperwork. I was doing much better when I was working out on a regular basis.

Am I drowning? Tell me this overwhelming feeling of pain won't stay this intense for long. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ljkm, I am here to tell you that it does better. SLOWLY. My DH of 20 years abruptly left me in 1999 and I thought I would die. I cried and cried day and night. I was so shattered I thought I would die. I just could not accept it.It was as horrible as losing a child. I wish I could even tell you something that would make it go away, but I can't. Only time will make it go away. But I do know of some things that made my pain easier to bear.

The most impactful thing was counseling. When I was able to discuss the situation rationally with a rational person, I would calm down immensely. The IC kept me in touch with reality so that my traumatized emotions did not completely mow me over. Like you, I felt I was DROWNING in my emotions and didn't know how to handle it. My IC would bring me down to earth. It was like taking a very effective tranquilizer.

Secondly, I worked out WITH A VENGENCE! I went out and bought the toughest damn exercise tapes I could find and threw myself into them every night and every morning. For that hour, I would LOSE myself in my workout. It was a such a BLISSFUL ESCAPE. I bought some of the Firm's weight training and aerobic tapes, some weights and just threw myself into it.

Lastly, I personally don't advocate anti-depressants but I know that many have benefitted greatly from them. I would rather go headlong into the pain without delaying it. Anti-depressants, in *MY* experience only served to put off the pain for another day. The year I was on anti-depressants is completely blacked out and personally, I would rather be dead than not remember my life. But please do what is best for you; like I said, many have reaped great benefits from them!

And please keep coming here. We have all been through this so we KNOW the depth of pain you are experiencing. This is as painful as losing a child and is no easy feat. Hang in there and know that you have lots of support and understanding on this site.

ljkm, are you employed? Was he your main source of support?

no i'm not employed. not for 10 years so I depend completely on my WH. I just want to go about this the right way. Calmly and rationally. I am going to jump in w/ both feet and get moving w/ my excercise. Thank you all. I know that someday I will look back and be stronger for it. I just don't know how long it will take and if I can keep holding on.

Keep me going on the right path you guys. I know that you have all been there and I too can make it but I will be needing your support. Thanks everyone.

Are you in counseling? Are you looking for a job?

I know it might seem crazy to look for a job right now, but it will get you on the path to self support - since your means of support is now very shaky - and it will keep your mind off all this to a certain extent.

Even though it was very hard to focus on my job [I started a new job the same week my DH left me], it did give me some semblance of sanity by taking me out of my head for 8 hours a day. If I would have stayed home, I think it would have been much harder because I would have wallowed in my grief for 24/7.

Work got me out of my head for a while and also helped in restoring my badly shattered self esteem by giving me some purpose. It helped getting out into the world.

Have you been in Plan A? I went back and read some of your posts but couldn't go way back. What happened before you filed for D? Did you throw him out? Did you do Plan A? Sorry for all the ??s but can you bring me up to speed?

ljkm3,

Get and look for training to get back into work force ... if you are in SFBayArea I know many adult educations provided by our tax $ that would help you out tremendeously. Plus it would make you very busy ...

-rh-

I am in counseling. I went today as a matter of fact. He's a Christian and that's very important to me. I did feel a lot better after talking to him. He told me that my WH is grasping at straws. He is trying anything to upset me and make me think he is in control when in fact he is not. I know I am on the right path and that it's good to feel the pain. This is the only way for me to grow. But this week it's been one after another. Everything just got the best of me.

I haven't really thought about looking for a job just yet. I do keep pretty busy during the week. I have a ladie's Bible study one day, I volunteer at a food pantry. I was working out on days in between, plus the stuff that the kids do that require my attention. For the most part I am truly happy w/ the way my life is. I like where I am at this stage of my life. I used to be a flight attendant long ago. So I don't know how marketable I am w/ that experience under my belt. I can't necessarily go back to that b/c I would start all over and would have to move. If I move there would be no support for the kids when I'm gone. (It's weird, today would be my 15 year anniversary w/ the airline)

Melody- This is the 3rd time I've booted him out. I discovered a lot of secret purchaces, emails, unexplained itineries about a year ago. All of it was related to his "humanitarian" trips to Cuba. After I confronted him he didn't express remorse, he wouldn't stop going to Cuba, he simply didn't care. He even once took off to Cuba w/o telling me or the kids. No idea for 5 days where he was. And in between all of this he did say he wanted to "work" on the marriage. He went briefly to counseling, church, even a marriage seminar in which he renewed his vows to me.

But when push came to shove, he was never willing to do the hard work to process the problems. He wanted anyone who would listen to him to try to get me to understand that his independant travels were for the good of the family. He told others, including my pastor that I am bipolar b/c I didn't agree w/ his activities.

He admitted to having an EA w/ his former sec. But wouldn't send a n/c letter to her. he felt that it wasn't necessary. So between that and the escalated verbal bashing that I was dealing w/ on a daily basis I asked him to leave. Only to seperate so that we wouldn't be in the battle zone constantly. He screamed DIVORCE and wouldn't bother talking to me or even going to counseling. So given the fact that I have absolutely nothing to work w/ I needed to file.

Filing for a D was the last thing I wanted to do but his erratic behavior has spilled over to our finances. He even put up our rental house for sale. Every asset is in his name and the only way I could prevent him from bleeding us dry was to file so that the court could put a freeze on all assets. He has opened at least one bank acct. through a Canadian bank in which he can w/draw $ in Cuba. He left my house in the middle of construction w/ no intentions of fixing.

Currently he is trying to bully me into getting out of my house. He said he will only begin to fix the house once I'm out.

I did try plan A. And you know what? I know that at the end of the day he will remember some of the great progress I made in meeting his needs. I looked into myself and acknowledged where I failed him. I showed him the love and care he was so desperately craving and for the first time I realized that it was time for the both of us to grow up and start treating our marriage like to covenant God designed. Actually the passion I had for him during the time we were trying was amazing! I really thought we were going to make it.

But in the end his addiction to women, attention from the poor people of Cuba, and the feeling of power all of that gave him surpassed any hope of reconnecting w/ me.

He went down again just recently. He's going down again in Nov. And there's no way I can compete. He has not only neglected me but he really has forgotten what it's like to be a dad to our 3 very beautiful kids.

He's crying poor and bankrupt, but he's supporting a family of 7 in Cuba (all distant realtives) and he keeps closing his business to travel. And he's closed his office again to go hunting w/ the boys. What have I got to work w/ here? Please tell me it will get better. Please tell me that one day he won't have the victory b/c of his actions.