Hello all,

I'm new to this board. My husband of 12 yrs (in 2 weeks) has left. He has been having an affair for 1 1/2 months now & tells me he's in love with her. I do know that things aren't as good for them now as they were in the beginning but he still hasn't ended the affair yet. I hardly see him, the kids hardly see him (we have 3), and I miss him so much. I have read Divorce Remedy and How God Can & Will Restore Your Marriage. According to these books, I am to have no contact with him, not calling, not driving by his room, and so on. But how do I do that when we have 3 children involved? It's pretty hard when he needs to know what's going on in their lives - school functions, parent-teacher conferences, etc. Should I just let him alone & if he "truly" cares, he'll come around & call because he wants to know? He tells me that he's been falling out of love with me for quite some time and that this woman makes him feel good. I've tried to explain to him that those type of feelings are infatuation, lust, and "puppy" love. It's not real, long-lasting love that marriage takes. I've been trying to work on changes within myself, getting a closer relationship with God, and praying daily for this woman to leave his life and for him to return to where he belongs. I also pray for strength to endure & ask God to hold my hand & lead me to what I should do. I guess I just need someone else to talk to who's been there. Is there any kind of action that I should be doing to draw him back? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Yvette,

I'm in the middle of my own nightmare, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so I am not the person to help, but I will send a prayer your way. I know the pain your in and it hurts me deeply to know that this happens, that after loving someone for so long one day they just change. Hold tightly to you faith and may God watch over you and your children always. Stay safe and work on you for now, I know that will be very hard to do right now but believe me when I say, I know this saying is true "This to shall pass".

Marilyn <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank you, Marilyn. Sorry to hear you're in the same situation. May God look over you and help you through this very difficult time. Thanks for responding.

Yvette, I am very sorry you are here, but the first thing I would do is RUSH out and buy His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

I think the first step in recovery is identifying why he has fallen out of love. What has happened in your marriage that has made him unhappy? Folks often have affairs because they are not getting their needs met at home. This is NO JUSTIFICATION but it often makes folks vulnerable to affairs when they meet someone outside of the marriage who DOES meet those important needs.

Marriage Builders suggests that the first step in attracting a spouse back to the fold is a well executed Plan A. That means that you do your best to meet his needs, avoid all disrespectful judgements and angry demands. That means you don't tell him that his affair is an infatuation. That is true, but telling him this is a lovebuster that only puts him in the position of DEFENDING his affair. You don't want him to DEFEND, you want him to think about the destructive nature of the affair. Don't be an obstacle to that thought process.

I don't think you should be in Plan B at all. It is way too soon. If he has not had his needs met by you and/or you were angry, crying, etc when you found out, your no contact will be a RELIEF. It will not provide the desired effect. This point is very important, Yvette:

In order for Plan B to be effective, you must leave a GOOD TASTE in his mouth. That good taste comes from weeks of a well executed Plan A. Otherwise, your Plan B is a relief to them and literally throws them in the arms of the OP.

So please consider backing up a bit here and first showing him your BEST SIDE so that he has something *TO* miss in Plan B. Start a program of attraction TODAY. See him when you can and take every opportunity to show him that woman that he fell in love with years ago.

Here is a pretty good article about Plan A and Plan B.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000176

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000177

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Another good read about the MB concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

The Harleys are wonderful counselors and if there is any way you can manage it, I would also suggest going to them for counseling. It would be much cheaper than a divorce and they are very very effective counselors.

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Yvette on top of what MelodyLane said about you being in Plan A, I would just add that other important parts of Plan A are exposure of the affair to the OW's H (if she is married), close family members, and mutual friends. And, avoiding all love busters such as angry outbursts (time bomb), selfish demands (dictator),and disrespectful judgements (critic) for it does no good if you are trying to make deposits in his love bank if you are making withdrawls afterwards. Let the OW be the only one to love bust your WH, and eventually he will open his eyes as to whom he has gotten involved with.

P.S. Another good book you should consider reading is Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' for it fills some gaps of Harley's 'Surviving An Affair'.

I like that name, toomuchcoffeeman! That's cool. Anyway, we haven't had very much contact since this all began. First of all, when he told me he wanted to leave, no mention of another woman was mentioned. I specifically asked him if there was another woman & he told me no. Several people asked him if there was another woman and he said no. Due to my reaction with the news (I was pretty hysterical), he left for six days with no contact. In the meantime, I had checked his cell phone records and discovered the affair. The day after I discovered it, he phoned. When we got together the next day so he could see the kids, he told me it wasn't about what she gives him vs what I don't, just about feelings. Of course, I tried to beg, plead, you name it. But of course, he didn't want to hear any of it. This was his decision and he was sticking with it.

The next week he came every other day for about an hour to see the kids when they got home from school for about an hour. He would always leave before I got home from work. I had written him two letters (one angry-I know, a no-go) and one full of love basically saying if this is what you want, I wish you the best. He seemed, of course, more friendly with the last letter. Since then I haven't wrote any more letters but I have had to call him about the kids for whatever reason. Last week, he had come over to see the kids and ended up staying for dinner, playing games with the kids and fixing my printer. He seemed to enjoy spending time with all of us. His work schedule did not allow him to see the kids until that Sat and Sun (total of 1 1/2 hrs combined). We haven't had contact since.

My question is, how can I show him those things when I barely see him and he comes by to see the kids before I get home? From what I hear through the grapevine, he seems to be regretting decisions he's made, but I know my husband, he's VERY stubborn to admit he's made a mistake. I haven't mentioned the OW at all until Mon when I had called him to check on our son while I was at work. He did and then he told me he was going to the OW's house & couldn't take our son with him. I just got very quiet and he ended up ending the conversation. I think he knew I didn't know what to say to that. Since then, he hasn't bothered with the kids. He had off the next day and that night, but never called or came by to see them.

I know the things I have done that pretty much "pushed" him away, & I'm trying to correct those things within myself. I've been doing a lot of praying & soul searching. According to Erin Thiele's book, How God Can & Will Restore Your Marriage, I have to let God do the work. I have to restore myself & fix myself with God, and then He will open the door to bring him back. After all, he's not going to want to come back to the "same old, same old". Kind of like what you were saying. I can't give him those old "lovebusters" and expect him to want to return. I have to show him a supportive, loving wife. Now, if neither one of us filled out those emotional needs questionaires, how am I to know what he's been missing & try to fill those things? I know he's said that this OW is fun to be with, has the same interests he does, just to name a few. Should I try to give him some of those things?

Yvette, for now you can just try to avoid all lovebusters and be as loving and friendly as possible. No relationship talk, no OW talk, nothing too serious. He probably won't let you fill any needs now, but you need to be aware of what needs have gone unfulfilled so you can fill them if the opportunity arises. Have you read the emotional needs questionaire? You can only guess what his needs are and look for clues in what he has said for now.

Think about what he has told you over the years that your marriage was missing for him. Was it companionship? Was it sexual function? Was it attractive spouse? What are the mutual interests that the OW has with him? That tells me one of his unmet needs might have been domestic companionship?

I think, though, in the meantime, the key will be to call a truce and be consistent in your behavior when you DO SEE HIM. He hasn't been around this week because he probably feels very guilty about your last conversation. Thats ok, though, he will get over it. Just don't aggravate that guilt. Let him feel it all on his own.

When he sees that you won't have outbursts or make him otherwise uncomfortable, he will likely come around more. You might even tell him that you are sorry for your behavior, realize that you made him unhappy in the marriage, are willing to make changes and won't push him anymore.

Are you nagging or bugging him in your phone calls or are they very pleasant calls?

Just be as friendly as possible. His affair will start showing cracks soon, and you don't want to stand in the way of his seeing this. Sanity will return, the key is to ensure that he has a bridge to come back on when it happens. In other words, we need to make sure you don't burn the bridge.

P.S. Did you see TooMuchCoffeeMans' suggestion about contacting the OW's husband and telling all your family and friends about the affair? This is a very important step that will help in the death of an affair. Secrecy will only help it survive longer. Harley suggests doing everything short of taking out a billboard.

Haven't contacted OW's H. I have her home # & I know she works nights, but I don't know when. I don't know if this is true or not, but H told me that she gets abused. If this is true, I cannot take the chance that she will be hurt or her children (she has 4). I do care about other people regardless of what they're doing to hurt me. The rest of the family knows though. I don't believe anyone has supported him in his decision though. We have been together since 1988 and got married in 1991. We have known each other since 1979, since we were children. So all of his family members have considered me a daughter since I was a little girl and my family has considered him a son since he was a little boy. So it's kind of hard for everybody right now. He did make the comment when he came by over the weekend that he thinks my mother and my younger sister are mad at him (he told this to my BIL). I think that has affected him & he isn't talking about the OW as much as he was at the beginning. This is according to my BIL. I hate to rely on BIL for info, but like I said, he is the ONLY one my H will talk to right now.

When he does contact me, I believe the conversations are very friendly. If I get angry at something he says, I usually just swallow my pride & put on a smile so my voice sounds pleasant (I've mastered this from being a receptionist). I do not want to do anything that will make him angry & stay away because this affects our kids. They miss him terribly and don't understand why he can't come around more. That's the hardest thing to have to say, "I don't know" to 3 kids who want to know when Daddy's going to come see them. Two of my kids have off school tomorrow & I don't know if I should contact him to let him know he has the opportunity to spend the day with them? The last time I did that he opted to go to the OW house instead & it just made me angry.

SFM, ((((hugs))) to you. And lots of prayers your way. I am in much the same situation as you. My H of 13 years has been having an A for almost 4 months. We are ready to separate now so he can get his thoughts together. He told me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." She makes him feel alive. They connect. He doesn't think we ever did connect like they do. He feels that she is his soulmate. He thinks I'm a wonderful person, wonderful mother and doesn't want to see anything bad happen to me. He's very torn right now.

That's why I want him to move out to sort out his head. He's 41, and I think it's a mid-life crisis. She meets his need for conversation and admiration. She would probably meet his need for recreational companionship, but they can't do much together lest someone see them. He stopped wearing his wedding ring a few weeks ago because he said he thought he needed to earn it back. Said it would probably bother him if I stopped wearing mine. I did stop just a few days ago. It just made me feel that wearing it was a lie.

We never really fought much. He says we just drifted away and it's been going on for several years. We have two children, 10 and 8. I stay at home and am very involved in school (or was until this happened on August 7 and now I'm a hermit).

I have been doing Plan A since he told me ILYBINILWY on August 7. He told me on September 2 that he is having an A and is in love with her. Since then I've tried to Plan A, but I'm thoroughly and completely depressed and distressed. There are days when it's hard to get out of bed. I've been doing the bare minimum around the house and haven't helped the children with homework at all. Did they take a bath in the last five days? I don't know.

Since we are going to probably separate, I was wondering what people thought about Plan B. My H said when I first told him to move out shortly after he told me about her, that if he moved out he wouldn't be back. He didn't say it like a threat, but knowing him (very stubborn, Type A), I knew he meant it. Now, however, he says he was just blowing hot air. He doesn't want to move out, but knows it's for the best. He wants to get his head together, too.

The thing about Plan B for he and I is that I don't know that I WANT to have no contact. I think him just being out of the house will help him with his feelings of ambivalence. I'm not talking about chatting all the time, but we do have very good relationship talks now. We haven't really done that in our marriage and I think that it is helping us. I know it is helping me. I've not really been an open person about my feelings. He said he has tried to tell me that things weren't right, but I guess he didn't try hard enough or I didn't hear him.

Soo, what do you all think about Plan B? No contact? SFM, do you think you can do that? It's nice to find someone in exactly the same timeframe as me. Would love to chat more with you.
Sue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I don't know if this is true or not, but H told me that she gets abused. If this is true, I cannot take the chance that she will be hurt or her children (she has 4). I do care about other people regardless of what they're doing to hurt me."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't rely on anything your WH tells you, especially with regards to the OW being an abused woman, considering that prior to his departure, he lied to you about not having an affair with her. Besides, even if it is true, you are NOT responsible for the OW's H's behavior in how he deals with the truth about his W having an affair with your H. Keep in mind that you are NOT exposing the affair as payback against your WH and the OW, but as a way to introduce a heavy dose of reality into the fantasy which is their affair, and thus hasten its demise.

I agree with TMCM and I'm evil enough to suggest you take it a step further. Tell H that unless he moves back in and establishes complete NC with her, you'll tell her H. If they're really that concerned about her safety, he'll do it. If it's what I call a "punk card" that your H and/or OW is playing to keep you quiet, they'll keep going on with the A and you can tell her H. Either way, you'll have the ball in your court instead of theirs.

Other MBers may not be as ornery as I am and have reasons to disagree with this. But it may be something worth considering. I'm curious to hear different views on this. But the bottom line is that it is NOT your job to protect her. She sure as heck isn't protecting you.

Since you are trying to avoid all love busters such as selfish demands(dictator) like telling your H to end all contact with the OW or you'll tell her H, it would probably be much better if you tell him that since he doesn't seemed worried about putting the OW in physical danger by having a relationship with her, that you WILL notify her H about his W having an affair with him, and leave him to ponder what you said.

TMCM is smart! That's even better!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dobie:
TMCM is smart! That's even better!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Woof!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Standing_for_M:
<strong> Haven't contacted OW's H. I have her home # & I know she works nights, but I don't know when. I don't know if this is true or not, but H told me that she gets abused. If this is true, I cannot take the chance that she will be hurt or her children (she has 4). I do care about other people regardless of what they're doing to hurt me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, where have we heard this tale of abuse before? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Yvette, that is classic affair BS and very probably not true. I hardly think that one would have an affair if they lived in fear of abuse. It is likely this is a made up tale to prevent you from contacting her H. And it's working.

I am not suggesting that you do anything to hurt her H, but to warn him that he IS being destroyed behind his back. It is not HONESTY that will hurt him but ADULTERY that he is not aware of. At least you are AWARE of this destructive affair and can take steps to protect yourself and your children; he doesn't have that luxury because no one CARES enough to warn him.

Please tell him NOW, Yvette!

He needs to know this is happening so he can take steps to protect himself and his children from his W. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy someone behind their back and you have a MORAL RESPONSIBILITY to alert him to this. The man has a RIGHT to know what is going on *his* life.

The added benefit is that it brings the affair out in the open in both quarters and puts pressure on it from that end. The more exposure the affair gets, the less it can survive. But you MUST tell this man he is being harmed behind his back.

P.S. And please don't tell your H you are going to do this. He will only WARN the OW and she will spin the story to her H before you ever get to him. She will portray you as a jealous nut who is out to get her and then he will NEVER KNOW the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> Since you are trying to avoid all love busters such as selfish demands(dictator) like telling your H to end all contact with the OW or you'll tell her H, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am confused. I thought that telling the WS to end all contact, and asking daily if contact has occured, was allowed under plan A. Right or wrong?

auto, it is ok when its appropriate. Her spouse is not even living at home so it would be fruitless to hammer him with questions when he doesn't even want to live there. Nor is she in a position right now to demand no contact.