Ok, I think I can do that. Maybe I should let her know ahead of time not to bother, that I'll have my mom do the shopping with my kids. Or would it be better to let it just happen and for her to feel the affects? What do you think?

Anyway, i called and cancelled her car insurance and took her off the policy today. She has known for a month that today was her last day insured. I have it scheduled for termination on Wed., I left her a voice mail telling her this. I just wanted her to know that I did cancel it.

She had the nerve of yelling at me this morning because i didn't give enough money for groceries. I couldn't believe her, I gave money out of the goodness of my heart, and she complains that I didn't give her enough. Some people!!!

WMWB [sorry, started this with believer, who is doing the much more rational thing of housecleaning and who doesn't need this 2x4]... your wife is IN THE FOG. There is no such thing as rational behavior in there. There is no such thing as being grateful that you gave her any money. She feels entitled, I feel quite sure, to all the money you have. And then some. And she feels entitled to have you do back-flips for her while she and OM sit on the couch and watch. BECAUSE YOU HAVE.

Now you're going into Plan B, right? So you need to find a way not to let her get close enough to you to yell at you. Please, please, please do this. Otherwise it's just going to continue like it has. And my head has already spun around enough times as it is!

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

Well, I have some pretty good boundaries in place. I told her that she has until Saturday to get anything else she needs from our house, after that she was not welcome over there. She tried to flex her muscles and called me at work to inform me she was transfering the phone account over to her appartment and that I needed to get my own phone service. I asked her if she wanted to reconsider since all of our creditors and family had that number to get a hold of me and the kids. She said no, that was my problem. Then I asked her if she wanted to reconsider because there is a $120 balance on the account due to her long distance calls to a friend in Colorado last month. She said no, but then called me later that evenging and gave me all sorts of attitude. Saying that I had until noon, and I better get it changed. I just said forget it, I changed my mind and will get my own service. She can have the number and the $120 bill, it ought to about cover the window she broke. I haven't heard from her since, and won't talk to her if she calls.

You are right, there is NO common sense in that fog, wow... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I can't believe her. She came over to get a few things last night. She just dumped stuff on the floor and emptied drawers on the counter with no intentions of picking it up. She took a 4 ft tall CD tower, which was about 1/4 full, and dumped it on the floor so she could take the tower over to her place. I just said no, the tower stays here and you need to leave. This isn't your house and you can't come in here and act like this, you need to schedule a time to come back. Then I walked her to the door and basically stood over her until she had her shoes on and left. She shouted obscenities at me and said some very mean things while leaving, all in front of our 2 little boys. i couldn't believe it.

I'm currently looking for an intermediary to handle all correspondence about the kids between the WW and me. My first two choices turned me down saying they didn't want to get in the middle of this. Ok, any of you guys who are in or did a succeessful plan B, did you guys have an intermediary or did you keep contact about the kids? I got yelled at on the JFO pretty often for not having one, as they see it as essential. What do you guys think? I am trying to find one, but don't really know what to tell them. I explain plan A & B, and why we need an intermediary. I tell them that my W thinks this is childish and isn't willing to do this, but I'm not giving her the choice. Like I said, so far both people I asked have turned me down.

WMWB -

Why are you answering her calls? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Ok...<sheepishly looking down, kicking sand>...I will.

Ok WMWB decided to Hijack this one too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Mortar would you mind taking a look at my post on JFO and tell me what you think.

Ps: my WW wants me togo to a plan B so I'm out of her life .. you'll understand if you look.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost&Confussed:
<strong> Ok WMWB decided to Hijack this one too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Geez pal... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> j/k L&C, hijack away.

WMWB,

What did I tell you about all the nice things you did (groceries, etc.)? Didnt do anything, right? Well, it did...it caused some pain for her. And later on, when staring out of the fog, she WILL remember. But for now, it is ALL about her. One characteristic outlines a WS...selfishness!

On the kids, what did I tell you? She freaked out right in front of them...you remained calm. Who do you think they trust right now?

Now, since they are so young, I doubt you would get custody right now. But...I would send a letter to her stating that if the children are brought into the presence of the OM, you will seek custody.

Consult an attorney NOW! Get your ducks in a row. I am not saying your marriage is over by a long shot. But right now, she is moving out and trying to hoard as much as possible (remember...selfish!). I do not know what state youlive in but in Virginia where I am, adultery is grounds for divorce. It is also grounds to keep you from paying one iota in spousal support. So, see an attorney. Talk to him/her about custody of the children. You may be able to get custody if you act fast. I had custody because I maintained the family home. The number one consideration in all states for child custody is where they currently reside.

Now, why am I saying all of this? You KNOW that seeking custody or prohibiting her from taking those kids around the OM will make her madder. So, she will want to leave? She already left. This is called strategic warfare. You have to conduct yourself now with the goal of winning, one way or the other. What if youdid get custody? She would then have to come to you to see her children. Remember, those children are your biggest asset in this. Now, I am not saying "USE" the children. I am saying, in your opinion right now, who is the most fit parent? Look at how she acted and what she is doing. You want those kids around that?

So, see an attorney now and protect yourself. Watch yourself around her when you exchange the kids. DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HER! In the fog, she just might think making a false accusation against you for abuse might be good. So ALWAYS have someone there on exchanges of the kids.

WMWB, this is going to be a long haul. Might take 6 months to a year to resolve itself. You are just getting started. Protecting yourself and your kids is NOT a love buster! As a matter of fact, that woman you used to know as your wife, deep down, would expect you to protect them. My wife came to respect me for that...one of the keys to her coming out of the fog.

Now, no fights! You are in Plan B. Find that intermediary. If there is none, require her to converse with her via email. Why email? Because you will have time to digest what she is saying and give acalm rational response that doesnt blow your Plan B. Then when you meet to exchange the kids, no talking except rudimentary stuff (I will meet you at 4pm, etc.) And then get out of there.

When I first started Plan B, I used an intermediary. Later, I got comfortable with it...so when she came to get the kids, she had to stay outside. She never was allowed inside. When she pulled up, I sent the kids outto her...I never saw her face-to-face.

This is a war you are running. You must plan EVERYTHING out...ALL eventualities. And be prepared to do what it takes.

If she tries to email you with a bunch of crap...just delete it and dont respond...or better yet, have your PBL on your computer, cut&paste it and send it everytime. If she tries to talk to you while you are getting the kids, just turn to her and quietly say "You know the rules..." and then ignore her, turn back to your children and get out of there.

Document everything! Every conversation, save every email...even carry a pocket recorder when around her. It will go a LONG way when dealing with the court or getting custody. She will rant and rave in front ofthe kids. Dontget angry...dont show the kids you are angry. If anything, show pity...becuase your kids' mother has lost her mind...and they have to watch it. They will see your calmness and see youas a rock. And if it comes down to divorce, they will prefer to stay with the "sane" parent.

If there is anything else in this you want to know, please ask. But you go dark, see an attorney, look into temporary custody before she establishes them where they are at. And then get busy planning your courses of action.

You do this...you show her that you mean it...that PBL is in effect...that you still love her but you WILL protect the family...and she will eventually see youfor who you are. For now, count on threats, tirades...everything! She is in pain. And it is about to get a whole bunch worse.

Also, if youare a Christian, I would ask you to pray for strength, and pray for your wife. Christ will take care of her, He will lead her to where she needs to be. Unfortunately, itwill be a painful process for all of you.

In His arms

Lost & Confused,

I will try to answer later tonight. I am off to my son's baseball practice.

In His arms.

Mortar

Well, I've already done all of what you said. I'm in Minnesota, which is a no fault state. Now, the attorney I spoke with did say that her A and unstable behavior WILL have a huge bearing in a custody case. I have 2 police reports against her, one for vandalism to the house and the other for domestic violence against me.

She is nearly computer illiterate, so e-mail is out of the question. I'm trying to find an intermediary ASAP. Until then I leave her voicemail outlining terms of pick-ups and drop-offs. And I don't answer when she calls. If it is near bedtime, I let my 4 yo answer. She won't talk to me now, so I'm sure to get VM whenever I call. I'm sure that will change, but for now it works.

I have told my kids from the day they were born that I love them, I'm proud of them, and I'll always be here for them. Recently I've added that this isn't their fault and that I love their mommy very much and I'm doing everything I can to help her get better and come home. My 4 yo actually added a special prayer for her at the end of his blessings. It was his idea, I was kinda shocked...it made me cry. Him and I talk often about her and what is going on. I try to keep it on a 4 yo level but I don't sugar coat it for him. He asks and i tell him the truth. No lies. WW has gotten livid at me for this, but i tell her that I'm ont going to lie to him...no way!

I also pray to God for her to have the strength to come through this and come home, for me to have the strength and resolve to do this right, and for my children to be spared as much as possible. I pray for her about 20 times a day...no lie!

As for the living situation, I have put my foot down, and stand by it, that the boys will be sleeping in their beds at home. I have always done the bedtime routine with them. Jammies, teeth brushing, books, prayers, tuck-ins...all me. W was always pretty shot at that time of day. We split weekends, but they spend weekdays at home. I already told her that they were not to be anywhere near the OM, but she doesn't care. She took them over there trick or treating, but I don't think any other time. The lawyer said there really wasn't anything I could do about him being around my kids if W said it was ok. They only way I could do anything about it was if I filed for D, which I'm not going to do as of yet. If she wants to file, fine. But she will bear the expense and effort.

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

Ok, update time...

I finally found an intermediary!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My step mother has agreed to step in as a third party go-between for correspndence about the kids. She is firmly entrenched in my camp, but i feel she is the only relative my WW would be comfortable with.

I told my WW this morning that this was the last time I was going to talk to her until she was ready to come home. She said that was great, that it would be so much easier this way. It was pretty much what I expected her to say. I don't think she has any idea what is in store for her emotionally...especially with the holidays comming up.

WMWB, ((((hugs to you)))). My H and I just separated today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am still in Plan A. Don't know for how long. This Plan B stuff sounds like a nightmare that I hope won't come in my next "sleep."

(Not trying to hijack your thread here, which SOME people have tried to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> just want to fill you in on my sitch)... H is continuing to insist that our problems are not about the A, that it is about he and I, that we don't connect/communicate, ILYBINILWY. He has also said she is his soulmate, yada, yada, yada. If we get to Plan B, I know I will need to be strong. I've always been one to melt when someone gives in. There are so many strong people here that have melted, too! Glad to hear that you are getting better at not doing that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You're kids are so young, it must be difficult. Ours are 10 and 8.

MM, you have got the words, man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Love to read your posts. You tell it like it is. Your words have helped me immensely. I also like to read star*fish and Just Learning and some other vets that know what they're talking about and aren't in such an emotionally straught phase right now.

There is always hope!

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: Suebee ]</small>

Mortarman... anyone...

Ok, I'm in plan B and everything seems to be going ok. However, i don't seem to be handling this any better. I haven't talked to or seen my wife in over a week. When we do talk, it is only on issues immeadiatly pertinant to the kids. Even then it is kept very short and to the point.

I'm having trouble dealing with the resentment and anger of this whole situation. She spends the night over at this OM's house (which is two doors down from me) and has gotten so bold as to actually park her car over there. I guess she no longer cares to keep up the illusion that they are "just friends" to the nieghbors. I feel like I should be actuvely doing something to bring about an end to their affair. This sitting around and waiting is driving me nuts.

I know that the conventional wisdom is to move on with my life and start some new hobbies and work on me... so on and so on. What did you do to get through this?

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

I just read this thread. It seems as though Plan B is so right. But I honestly think that she will have no problems with plan B. Besides, with her out of the house isn't it like a Plan B anyway? And why do I have to write her and tell her not to contact me? Wouldn't she just get the picture if I just...ignore her?

I just want to be sure when I give her the Plan B letter. I am going to be so sweet to her these next couple of weeks. Come January 1st, I will disappear. Feb. 14th will be their anniversary. That is the first time they had sex. I definitely don't want to be around then. But I like the way I Want said it, "this will be the last time we speak until you end it with him..." or somethihg like. I need to reread it.

WMYB,
i just re-read you post and once again feel the need to butt in to your business. LOL

good buddy...plan B is a b#tch...it was for me and I'm sure, for any one else with a heart!...but here's the thing...you can't fix anything by demanding immediate gratification...and that's what you want. and i'm not criticizing you (well...maybe just a little, LOL) for wanting it...i know that it's what i wanted. but you really have to stop fighting things and get with the program...the faster you do, the faster things will get better...or at least get resolved.

look...i know what you want 'cause it's what i wanted. you want all this bad stuff to go away! and you want your W to come home and say that she's sorry. then maybe you want to be able act out a bit...be indignant and make her suffer for a week or so...(you know get a little of your own back)...and then play the role of the magnanimous victor...forgive her and then move on together into a bright sunset! it's sure is what i wanted! oh how i wanted it all to play out that way...but it didn't! and i suspect that it doesn't work that way for most.

instead we're forced to face the unimaginable...learn to cope...to understand...to play a role...to put our emotions in moth balls...to bcome hardended to the pain and humilation. (have i missed anything?)

at the begining of Plan B, i would go into my back yard and shout at the moon right out loude! honest! i would scream like a lunatic. it was a miricle that i wasn't arrested. she had me walking down the streets of NY talking to myself for goodness sake! and it was that way for me until it finally sunk in to my thick skull that truth, justice and the american way were not going to be part of this equation and that if i wanted justice then i had better go about getting it for myself.

but when you think about it and finaly accept it...plan B isn't so terrible. if you work it right and put the effort into it to emtionally disconnect from the problem, then you can begin having a life again on your own terms...but it's not going to happen with out you working to make it happen.

i guess it's like everything else in this world...if it's good it takes work. so all i can say is hang in there and stop trying so hard to win "man of the year points" with your WW. worry about you! your children and how to make things good for the family that you are right now! everything else is in 2nd place...

good luck.
coach