Its been a year now sents I'v learned about my
wifes PA and I thought I could get over her A,but
till this day I think about it over and over
every day and It eats me up sometimes.
The question I have is how ling does it take to forget about an A.
I'v read all the books and did all I could,but it just stays in the back of my mind.

Remember that everybody is different and some folks get over it much faster than others. One thing that does seem to help tremendously is the FWS showing the BS plenty of remorse and a willingness to be accountable for his/her time and location without being defensive. But even under these ideal conditions, you can't speed up your personal recovery, so you have to cut yourself some slack because it is, unfortunately, a part of your personal recovery.

I'm not where you are yet but I'm thinking towards the future. Honesty between yourself and your wife have to be there. If you feel you need to know about the affair, you need to ask her about it but also be ready to know that it may not be what you want to hear. I think once I have the whole picture of the affair, I will be able to put it behind me and move on. I also know that I love my W and we both made mistakes. You have to work through them and put them behind you. You also have to decide if you want to forgive your wife. If you cannot forgive her, its gonna take a long time to heal. I realize that I had a part in our marriage not being the best it could have been. And though she is the one that made the bad choice, I had much to do with her unhappiness. Your case may be different. All I want at this point is for her to come home and I want to make her happy. In making her happy, I feel she will try to make me happy also. I guess I want to basically use the marriage building priciples I've learned from this site and the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. If you meet her needs and she meets yours, you can be happy in your marriage and you can put the affair behind you. Like I said before, I'm not where you are yet, so my perspective may be off...

OT I read your previous posts from months ago, and I noticed that you are dealing also with an OC from the OM as well. Have you thought about posting this new thread also to the pregnancy/child board?

This is my first post on this board. And the originator of this thread says it all for me too. I found about my wife's affair 3 months ago and at the time, I was pretty quick to "forgive" and to try to move on. As a matter of fact, our marriage seemed to get better by the day. However, now that 3 months have gone by, I find myself angrier and dwelling on the details of the affair more than ever!

We started marriage counseling 4 days after I found out about the affair. My wife, for the most part, has done everything right to try to make our marriage whole again. The affair immediately stopped, she has never spoken to him (as far as I know) and she quit her job (he was a co-worker).

The only thing she did not do right was that she hid some pretty major details for 2.5 months after I found out about the affair. At the time, she repeatedly professed to have "come clean", but after some serious sole-searching, she finally told me all (her words).

So, in my case, I feel like there is a double whammy. I thought I had a couple of months of recovery and BAM, more stuff came out.

Now I am really confused. And I seem like I am dwelling on the affair more than ever. And it is really starting to affect my moods. My obsession with the affair has caused me to analyze it to death and now I wonder if I will ever be able to get over it. I know what I am doing is unhealthy and more importantly wrong, but at times I feel like I cannot control it.

PSU_Dad it is always better when the WS(wayward spouse) comes TOTALLY clean after d-day, but unfortunately they often are afraid that if they do reveal all of the truth that the BS asks, that the BS will end the marriage right then and there.

I highly recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' (a book that compliments Harley's 'Surviving An Affair').

Even though you may snicker at this, but your W's actions (her ending all contact with OM immediately after d-day; her quitting her job, etc) prove that she is truly serious about rebuilding the marriage. As much as you have a right to be angry at her betrayal of the marital vows, your anger can become a poison that will ruin your life and your marrriage much worse than the affair could have ever do. There's an old saying that goes 'Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.' Please don't take the poison.

Go see your doctor and have him/her prescribe you anti-depressants. Dr Harley recommends them, to help the BS to help him/her survive the emotional rollercoaster that is experienced after d-day. To me they were a Godsend, and I highly recommend them if you find that your negative emotions are taking their toll on your emotional wellbeing.

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>