Without going into too much detail, 3 months ago today, I found out about my wife's affair. Since "D-day" we have been in weekly marriage counseling and for the most part doing everything right about getting our marriage back on track (she stopped seeing him immediately, she quit her job (he was a coworker), she had refocused on our family, etc.). I too have recognized what I did to allow our 7 year marriage to get to such a bad state.

As a matter of fact, for the most part, the past 3 months have been some of the best time in our marriage! The irony of it all...

Anyway, here is the problem. Today, I find myself dwelling on the affair's details more than ever. I think I know just about everything. I know when, where, etc. And now after repeatedly asking her for the details over the past 3 months, they are consuming me. The smallest little thing triggers these "mental movies."

Everytime I take a stand and promise myself that I will not thing/dwell/ask about the affair, it lasts all of a day or two. Rather than getting stronger, I am getting weaker.

I KNOW that this behavior can only do damage to our fragile recovery. And now I am wondering if I am trying to sabotage it???? My wife wants our marriage back more than anything. I believe this 100%.

I thought I did too, but now I am wondering what it says about me, when it appears that I am trying NOT to get over the affair.

PSU_Dad

PSUDad, that is a pretty normal part of recovery. You will think about it OFTEN initially. You are still in shock. But as long as she is giving you details, then you need to back off from her or you will cause damage. It is not damaging to ask questions, and discuss your feelings, though. Hopefully she is doing everything to help you through this? Is she answering your questions?

It will get better as time goes on and it would probably help if you saved your venting for us or for your counselor.

Dad try reading this link to help you understand with your need to know.

Also let your wife read it to so she can understand why you need to know as well.

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

Pay close attention to Joseph's Letter.

PSU_Dad

what you are going through is normal. "Obsessing" and "panicking" seems to go along with "recovery.
It'll happen over and over again but within time it does get better and better.

I think that many of us BS need to hear the story over and over again until we are able to accept what has happened. I'm not saying that we will ever forget it but the pain does get better.

My XWS and I have been "recovering" since the day his affair ended.
I'm just finding myself "now" after such a long time. Some BS need longer than others but I feel that I am "healing" from this trauma.

I do still have occasional "set backs" but I'm able to talk to my XWS about it and due to the fact that I don't get any "new" details I have nothing to "obsess" about because I've heard the details "over and over again".
This was hard to understand for my XWS at the beginning but when he noticed that I was asking less and less, he realized how important it was for me.

As I said, some need longer than others.

Have patience because 3months isn't long and there are surely going to be a few "bumpy" periods coming up. So just be prepared, the bumps are also normal.

You also might want to print out a few things and let you WS read them. She might then "understand" you a little better.

take care
bb

PSU_Dad it is always better when the WS(wayward spouse) comes TOTALLY clean after d-day, but unfortunately they often are afraid that if they do reveal all of the truth that the BS asks, that the BS will end the marriage right then and there.

I highly recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' (a book that compliments Harley's 'Surviving An Affair').

Even though you may snicker at this, but your W's actions (her ending all contact with OM immediately after d-day; her quitting her job, etc) prove that she is truly serious about rebuilding the marriage. As much as you have a right to be angry at her betrayal of the marital vows, your anger can become a poison that will ruin your life and your marrriage much worse than the affair could have ever do. There's an old saying that goes 'Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.' Please don't take the poison.

Go see your doctor and have him/her prescribe you anti-depressants. Dr Harley recommends them, to help the BS to help him/her survive the emotional rollercoaster that is experienced after d-day. To me they were a Godsend, and I highly recommend them if you find that your negative emotions are taking their toll on your emotional wellbeing.

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Everybody who has responded - thank you!

T00MuchCoffeeMan - thank you for your insights. I agree that my wife IS doing the right thing - though same major details were not shared with me until just last week. Maybe this is why I now feel on such a ride. One question about anti-depressants. As somebody who does not even like to take cold medicine, I cannot imagine taking an anti-depressant.

Do they really help? Right now, I am trying the old "mind over matter" approach and I have to be honest, it isn't working.

PSU_Dad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by PSU_Dad:
<strong> Everybody who has responded - thank you!

T00MuchCoffeeMan - thank you for your insights. I agree that my wife IS doing the right thing - though same major details were not shared with me until just last week. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PSU Dad, this is a big reason why its important to get it ALL out in the beginning and explains why you in such pain right now. Every little drib and drab that comes out puts you back to D-Day. When it comes out like that, its like dying a death of a thousand cuts. Essentially, you just RESTARTED recovery last week when those details came out. Hopefully, there are no more surprises waiting for you.

PSU

I can relate to not wanting to take meds. I seldom take them including pain medicine for more than a day or two after surgery.

They do help but they really don't kick in for several weeks and in the meantime you are quietly going crazy.

PSU -

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I can tell you that I am currently going through the exact same thing.

I found out about my H having an EA about 6 weeks ago. I cannot get this woman out of my head. Like you we have become much closer than we have been in years, but that does not changed what happened.

I can tell you from experience that the "mind over matter" stuff don't work. You will just drive yourself insane. The meds really do work. They do take about 2-3 weeks to kick in and you won't even notice it until it is brought to your attention that you have a new attitude. You will be able to see things more objectively. You will also be able to shut off your mind and sleep better. They won't take away the pain and betrayal, but they will help you deal with this.

Good luck to you.

PSU

You should also look at your own role and state of mind in receiving the information you are seeking...

part of rebuilding is creating an atmosphere of trust in which both feels safe...

She needs to feel that it is safe to share this information with you....that while you two discuss that it may/will hurt you....that you accept that with the message...

AND that you are able to show the hurt safely but without reacting in a love-busting way...

What we imagine can always and usually is worse than the truth....

Some people find that if they establish a time frame for which to have a question and answer session is helpfull....that any question can be asked and answered during this time...
but there is a time limit
and great great great attempts to control reactions to the pain...

you need to be in control of the questions you ask and look long and hard at what you perceive the best answer and the worst answer...and prepare yourself emotionally...
and practice your response so that if your greatest fear (whatever it is) is confirmed you have already played the scenario out in your head and can sort of plan your own response...

the more you show her it is safe for her to speak of things that will hurt you...the more she will feel safe enough to reveal...

You need to be honest with your own responses...telling her it hurts...without punishing her for what you have requested from her...

If you punsih her for giving you the truth she will withdraw and not share...

It hurts
It sucks!!!!!!!

You may find you ask the same question several times...that's ok too...

pray for serenity and clarity and Grace from God...
go sloooowwwwlllyy

(You should also root for PITT if that's what PSU stands for.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

ARK