My W had an A and recently broke it off. Now she is debating whether trying with me again is a waste of time or not. She has lost the "in love" feelings for me and doesn't believe it is possible to find "lost love" once it is gone. I know that MB says it is possible if both people are motivated to try. How do you motivate someone who feels it is hopelees and a waste of time?

Thanks for your help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong>I know that MB says it is possible if both people are motivated to try.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correction Neb ... you have to do it and she only need to let you doing it to her !. Her romantic love would spring up. (4 gifts fo love)

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you motivate someone who feels it is hopelees and a waste of time?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give them hope ..., seriously !. You have to show her your beleive and hope. Prove her wrong by actions !. I would try to find out what ENs that OM was fillin and you have to learn to replace them. Think how you made her fall in love with you to M you ... repeat the path again.

-rh-

Neb - Many married people don't feel in love all of their marriage, thus the commitment. That is what carried them through. I have talked to many long time married people who went through several years of not feeling in love. But each and every one is glad that they stayed married. Our society promotes the idea that you get married and live happily ever after. That is not true, there are many seasons in a marriage, and sometimes you just have to stick it out. Dr. Les and Lesley Parrot (I think that's how it is spelled) give marriage advice that says the romantic love gets you married, and for the next ten years, things tend to go downhill, but then things get much better. Hopefully your wife will hang in there, because if she leaves, she is likely to go through the same cycle with someone else and realize she gave up on a perfectly good marriage.

"Prove her wrong by actions!"

What actions?

"(4 gifts for love)"

??????

I feel like we fell in love because we enjoyed each others company and spent all of our time together. Now she wont spend time with me and the connection is gone. The attraction that comes from feeling "in love" is what motivates someone to want to be with someone, commit to a relationship, and be intimate. In turn, these actions keep that love alive. How then, do you begin to restore this feeling of being "in love" without motivation?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong> My W had an A and recently broke it off. Now she is debating whether trying with me again is a waste of time or not. She has lost the "in love" feelings for me and doesn't believe it is possible to find "lost love" once it is gone. I know that MB says it is possible if both people are motivated to try. How do you motivate someone who feels it is hopelees and a waste of time?

Thanks for your help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neb, you motivate her by patiently and consistently meeting her needs over a period of time and avoiding all lovebusters. This will be a one sided recovery while you patiently execute a program of attraction and bring her back into the fold.

She is in withdrawal right now and is making the classic WS statements. She will come around if you execute a good Plan A. This is not hopeless at all. It is standard modus operandi.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, I would suggest running to the bookstore today and picking it up. It will explain what is happening to your wife and how you can best deal with it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong>

I feel like we fell in love because we enjoyed each others company and spent all of our time together. Now she wont spend time with me and the connection is gone. The attraction that comes from feeling "in love" is what motivates someone to want to be with someone, commit to a relationship, and be intimate. In turn, these actions keep that love alive. How then, do you begin to restore this feeling of being "in love" without motivation?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What happened that brought all this to a end? Did you go from being blissfully happy on Monday to miserable as hell on Wednesday?

Consider conveying this to her the next time she expresses hopelesness about the marriage [but do so in a calm, respectful, and soothing voice]:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Honey, I don’t blame you one bit for feeling like you do. If I were in your shoes, I would feel exactly the same as you."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you say this to her? Because it will make her feel like she is being heard and listened to. Instead of having everything thrown
back in her face all the time, she'll get the feeling that you really care about how she feels. The importance of this cannot be underestimated. By simply listening, and indicating you understand her feelings and point of view, you diffuse the situation, and she'll start feeling good about you.

Obviously her falling back 'in love' with you won't happen overnight, but if you can create an emotionally safe environment where she feels free to express to you her innermost thoughts and feelings, then she may chose to stay with you and then gradually start developing those 'in love' feelings for you again. But like everything else in life, there are no guarantees that she will fall back 'in love' with you BUT by creating that emotionally safe environment for her by empathizing with her feelings (not condoning her actions); avoiding ALL love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior, and annoying habits); and meeting her most important EN's(emotional needs), you have more than a fighting chance to save and rebuild your marriage. Are you up to long haul task?

Neb,

My response is for building her love to you. Yes, Love has to be 2 way streets however you ask how to motivate her. For her to fell in love she has to let you and you have to be willing !. The same thing for you to fell in love she has to be willing to do it and you to let her.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now she wont spend time with me ... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has to let you do 4 gifts of love and quality time one of the four beside Care (ENs) protects (no LBs) and radical honesty. If she rejects you ... you have to back off to avoid LBs and you are in plan A not in recovery.

<strong>[quote]The attraction that comes from feeling "in love" is what motivates someone to want to be with someone ..</strong>[/uote]
beliver already point that one out ... love is a choice. You make a choice to spend time, avoid LBs, make her feel good (fillin ENs) and radically honst about yourself (bare your soul) ... the LB$ will overflow and build the foundation for love. This is the whole premise of MB ... you could create romantic love !.

If your M before d-day is good (except A) then either she is in withdrawal (you have back of and give time and be there for her) or she still has contact and worst A is still a live.

Is she open to MC ?. I would suggest that and find MC that is inline w/ MB.

By your actions, backing off & just be there to support her in her greive. Take as much as she could let you right now. In football, you just won coin toss in overtime ... you have the edge. Don't get despair, you just have to score first to win.

I suggest you to let her to greive and affirm it. Just be there and maximize what ever time and ENs she let you have ... I know it is suck but the alternative is worst.

-rh-

Thank you all for you advice. I am considering it all and re-reading Surviving an Affair. You have reminded me of some good points.

The only thing with my W is that she thinks MB is too cookie cutter-ish. It seems to much like a math equation to her and she thinks love can't be treated like that. She told me that MB concepts made it sound like you could just grab any fool off the street and apply the concepts and you would fall in love with them. What do you say to that?

I believe that MB has many good ideas and I like the structure. I would like to work on our M using MB concepts, but my W is not currently interested. Any ideas how I might be able to get her to feel less offensive toward MB concepts?

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Neb ]</small>

Neb, you don't have to get her to accept MB concepts. They are for YOU to use. It is a lovebuster to try and educate her so don't even bring them up to her. No relationship talk at all for now. Just follow the principles and hopefully they will work.

How then do you ever work things out together?

By doing Plan A. You have to get her to a point where she is interested in working on the marriage. You won't do that by trying to educate her. She has to be attracted back into the marriage so that she even WANTS to work on recovery. When you try to educate her in her current state of mind, you just annoy her and push her away more.

Back off and let HER come to you when she is ready.

As it is now, she has no desire whatsoever to work on the marriage because she is in withdrawal and is detached. It would just annoy her to talk to her about principles she has no intention of using right now.

Let her recover on her own for right now while you start doing the things that will, hopefully, attract her back.

Neb, here is something that might be helpful to you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000476

Thanks for the help again everyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />