Hi, I have been directed to post here hoping to find someone that has had a similar situation. I had an affair that lasted for eight months.....It has ended....but I am finding myself feeling overwhelmed by guilt and confused about where I really want to be......I chose to confess the affair to my husband, which brought about more pain than I could have ever imagined.....We are trying hard to rebuild what we had.......but how do I let go of the emotional attachment that I have with the OM?????anyone been there would like to here from you.........

Is this my wife? If not, you certainly could be based on your situation. Couple questions - how did the affair end - on it's own or as a result of it being revealed? Is your husband being supportive at this time? Are you going through withdrawal?

Admaker

Hello Admaker,
First I guess I should start by saying that I have been married for 25 years.....Have known my husband since I was 19......we are great friends and enjoy doing a lot of things together.......If someone had said to me a year ago "Randi you are going to have an affair", I would have told them that they were out of their minds.......But it did happen......My relationship with the OM started as friends.....our friendship lasted for 3 months before we crossed the line.....After a couple of months into the affair I guess guilt overwhelmed and I chose to confess to my husband.......I had no idea the pain that he indured.......unfortunately, and I hate to admit this but I guess this is why I'm here.......the affair continued......The om seperated from his wife.....and I know that he wanted me to do the same..but I just wasn't ready to go there......anyway the way that it ended was very harsh.....the om"s wife called my husband and told him that we were still seeing each other.....it was the worst day of my life.......Never really got to say goodbye to the OM......I know that I hurt him too.....so hard.....I am just having a hard time with all of it..........

Well, its good that you ended the affair, but you need to put closure on it. I'd suggest that you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It will give you some answers. It will tell you the correct way to end the affair. It says you should write a letter stating that you have decided to end the relationship and make amends with your husband and family. You should say that you will not have any further contact with him and that he please respect your decision and he do the same. Also, this letter should not say anything about love or lead him to believe that there is any chance of you getting back together. After writing the letter you should let your husband read it and put his stamp of approval on it. Then you should get a third party to deliver the letter to the OM. You should not do this and your husband should not do this, but it should be someone you and your husband trust. Once that is taken care of and you make no further contact with this OM, you will probably go through withdrawls much like those of a drug addict or alcoholic. This will probably last about 3 weeks, so be ready to be depressed. You may want to see your doctor and get some antidepressant medication. Once you and your husband get through this phase, you will be able to better work on reconciliation.

My wife is currently having an affair. She left me and our 2 daughters. She decided to come back, but she came back for the wrong reasons. She did as you did, left OM without saying goodby. After standing in front of our 2 Ds, I made her promise never to have contact with OM. She promised, but 2 days later couldn't leave OM alone. She went back and she is currently still with OM. She is now having troubles with OM and doesn't know what she wants now. She found out he wasn't all she thought he was. He couldn't fulfill all her needs and now she is between a rock and a hard place. She was not happy with me but I think she is even more unhappy with him. She can't afford to live on her own and she misses her kids alot. I think she wanted to have the best of both worlds, the security of our marriage and the comfort of the other man. I am not allowing that. She has the choice, come back and work with me and make this marriage a much better marriage or stay with OM and eventually be miserable. She hasn't decided yet. I'm still waiting.

Well, let me tell you from my perspective, being the betrayed spouse. You have no idea the pain and suffering your husband has and is going through. If you are serious about reconciliation and I think you may be since you came here looking for answers, you need to get some information on affairs. Like I said, get the book Surviving an Affair. Also, get some other books and surf the net. Your husband will probably have a trust issue with you, so you should let him know what you are doing at all times. He may look at your phone records and email accounts, which I would suggest you let him do, so he can build up his trust in you. And you should really seek good counseling. This is a rough road you are on and you may not be able to do it on your own. This is just a brief beginning of what you should do. I am by far no expert, but I'm learning as you are. Keep posting and other more qualified people will help also. You have made a positive step and the correct one. The OM is not your soulmate, your husband is. Through work and understanding you will find this out on your own... Take care and keep posting.......

The path to recovery must be traveled by both the WS and the BS. You can recover. You can give up your attachmetn to the OM. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. To recover, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

Your H is on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that he will think it would be best to just divorce you and go on with his life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to know I had done everything I could do.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity Read it while you wait for your copy of "Surviving an Affair" to arrive in the mail.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong> Well, its good that you ended the affair, but you need to put closure on it. I'd suggest that you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It will give you some answers. It will tell you the correct way to end the affair. It says you should write a letter stating that you have decided to end the relationship and make amends with your husband and family. You should say that you will not have any further contact with him and that he please respect your decision and he do the same. Also, this letter should not say anything about love or lead him to believe that there is any chance of you getting back together. After writing the letter you should let your husband read it and put his stamp of approval on it. Then you should get a third party to deliver the letter to the OM. You should not do this and your husband should not do this, but it should be someone you and your husband trust. Once that is taken care of and you make no further contact with this OM, you will probably go through withdrawls much like those of a drug addict or alcoholic. This will probably last about 3 weeks, so be ready to be depressed. You may want to see your doctor and get some antidepressant medication. Once you and your husband get through this phase, you will be able to better work on reconciliation.

My wife is currently having an affair. She left me and our 2 daughters. She decided to come back, but she came back for the wrong reasons. She did as you did, left OM without saying goodby. After standing in front of our 2 Ds, I made her promise never to have contact with OM. She promised, but 2 days later couldn't leave OM alone. She went back and she is currently still with OM. She is now having troubles with OM and doesn't know what she wants now. She found out he wasn't all she thought he was. He couldn't fulfill all her needs and now she is between a rock and a hard place. She was not happy with me but I think she is even more unhappy with him. She can't afford to live on her own and she misses her kids alot. I think she wanted to have the best of both worlds, the security of our marriage and the comfort of the other man. I am not allowing that. She has the choice, come back and work with me and make this marriage a much better marriage or stay with OM and eventually be miserable. She hasn't decided yet. I'm still waiting.

Well, let me tell you from my perspective, being the betrayed spouse. You have no idea the pain and suffering your husband has and is going through. If you are serious about reconciliation and I think you may be since you came here looking for answers, you need to get some information on affairs. Like I said, get the book Surviving an Affair. Also, get some other books and surf the net. Your husband will probably have a trust issue with you, so you should let him know what you are doing at all times. He may look at your phone records and email accounts, which I would suggest you let him do, so he can build up his trust in you. And you should really seek good counseling. This is a rough road you are on and you may not be able to do it on your own. This is just a brief beginning of what you should do. I am by far no expert, but I'm learning as you are. Keep posting and other more qualified people will help also. You have made a positive step and the correct one. The OM is not your soulmate, your husband is. Through work and understanding you will find this out on your own... Take care and keep posting....... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you lost without her,
I should start by saying that the affair ended 7 months ago....I have read several books, but they never seemed to quite touch on where my head was at......I truly am not a hurtful person, actually I am a very passive person or became one over the past 30 years......so I hurting.....The books tell me to cut off all contact with the OM..and I understand the logic in this......but at the same time I know that I hurt him as well....He has moved on with his life and of course I respect that and don't want to make any waves in his new life.....I think because I have spent the last 7 months healing my husband I haven't really taken the time to heal myself......and I guess that's probably what is happening to me now I just need to heal myself........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong> The path to recovery must be traveled by both the WS and the BS. You can recover. You can give up your attachmetn to the OM. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. To recover, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read &#8220;Surviving an Affair&#8221;, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as &#8220;SAA&#8221;) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of &#8220;the message of the affair&#8221; (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase &#8220;the message of the affair&#8221; is from the book &#8220;Torn Asunder&#8221;, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as &#8220;TA&#8221;). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read &#8220;The State of Affairs&#8221;, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC&#8217;s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don&#8217;t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC&#8217;s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

Your H is on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that he will think it would be best to just divorce you and go on with his life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to know I had done everything I could do.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity Read it while you wait for your copy of "Surviving an Affair" to arrive in the mail. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

---

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank you John for all of the informational sources......My affair ended 7 months ago and both myself and my husband did go to an MC.....I know she helped him some but I'm not sure how much I got out of it....other than it got me communicating better.....never been a strong suit of mine.....We both have read several books.....I think a lot of what is going on with me right now is that I haven't taken the time to heal myself......I have spent the last 7 months healing my husband......Now I need to work on me......still a lot of pain that I carry with me.......

Cleo, your personal recovery as well as your H's is going to take time. How much? It depends on the individuals involved and their level of committment to rebuild their marriages. It is a one day a time process that can't be rushed, so you need to be patient with yourself and your H. There are many FWW(former wayward wives) in these forums that will tell you that it will get better as long as you are committed to doing everything in your power to rebuild your marriage.

Even though trying to educate our spouses is considered a love buster, showing them that you are educating yourself by buying and reading Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters', as well as Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder' (which fills some of the gaps regarding recovery that Harley's 'S.A.A.' overlooks) can go a long way in showing them that we are serious about rebuilding our marriages, and they just may read them later on by themselves. I strongly recommend that you read them and put the principles in them to practice.

You and your H are not alone. We are here for the two of you.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> --- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello again TooMuchCoffee,
Thank you for your comments.....I will look into some of the books that you recommended.....I have already read several books....but sometimes they just don't quite capture it all.......I have always been one of those people that takes care of everyone else and very little time on myself..I am trying to become better at that.....I have a lot of other issues that I need to deal with.....I have spent the last 7 months helping my husband heal....now I guess I need to do some healing on myself......
Thank you

Hello Cleo,

I am writing because I see that we have had similar feelings after our A's ended. Those that have wrtten before me have all the resources but you are right the books just don't seem to be enough.

Like you I wanted, and still want, everyone else to be OK including the OW. I would deal with me last after all I felt I was the cause of the mess in the first place. The A lasted about 9 mos. But then we started speaking again by phone and e-mail in spite of my promise of NC(another broken promise)Now it is really over. If the OW contacts me again I am prepared to not contact her.

There wasn't a satisfactory "goodbye" as you said. It leaves you feeling empty. But then what is a "good goodbye"?

We lived an illusion for several months. I think that when we figure out what the OP provided for us we can understand our attachment to them. I haven't become unattached to her, I just know that it was: a fantasy, that I need to find out what my needs are and explain them to my W so that she can fill in that void. I think we love people forever so I am afraid that you and I will always miss them, they will always miss us. But with work, I am not there yet, we can have a fulfilling life

My wife told me last night that she still loves me but know it is different. In many ways she is still "back there". I wish I knew how to bring the BS out of that but I think that is something that they have to work on for themselves.

Additionally you are grieving the loss of this relationship with the OM so I would recommend some kind of grief counseling. I belong to a group offered by a local women's center called "loss of Relationship" and it is helping me to understand my loss and help to work through it. You and I have experienced a real loss and I think we have to acknowledge the loss both to ourselves and our spouses; we then need to take steps to overcome the loss. I think it is like a death but it is really worse because the person is still here. You can see them and talk to them but you really can't. That is a very difficult place to be. I hope there is some help here for you. Maybe there is a "center" where you can go. There are many recovery groups available go on line and do some searching. If you live in SO Cal check out The Mariposa Women's Center in Orange.
H

cleogirl,

you haven't mentioned anything in your post about your views on religion so this may or may not be helpful for you.

in my case (i'm a ww aswell,) i too really (!) struggled with letting go of my feelings for om. and, like you, it was the friendship that hurt the most to lose. even though we did end things on a "good" note (as opposed to some of the stories about crazy ops) and we did have a chance to say goodbye, it was very hard for me to deal with the fact that i'd hurt him so badly. unfortunately, my situation was messed up even more by my being pregnant with his baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

the thing is, i knew how badly i'd hurt my h, but i also have the rest of my/our lives to make it up to him (which i'm trying very hard to do!). but in the case of the om, i don't have the opportunity to make ammends.

i know it may be hard for some bs to read this and you'll feel that my remorse is misplaced. you may be right. i just feel like it's unfinished. i don't get the chance to make it right. and i understand that i'm not going to have the chance because of nc. that's what i've been trying to deal with lately.

this is where the religion part comes in... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

our mc, who is a christian counsellor, made it clear that it's not my place to make things right with him (om). all i really have left to do is pray and give him to God. that might seem over-simplified, but i've found that prayer has really helped in my "getting over" om. i took the suggestion of someone here on this site that everything i thought about om, i'd pray for my h instead. now i think about him quite rarely. and when i do, it's not with that same overwhelming longing like it was following d-day.

if prayer isn't your thing, when you find yourself thinking about om, consciously turn your thoughts to your h. think about the wonderful qualities he has. think about something fun you can do that night. think about some great memory you two have together. anything! just start focusing on your h.

just know, cleogirl, that it does get easier. even though i didn't believe that for an instant early on in all this, it is true.

i wish you and your h all the best.

amy

[QUOTE]

Originally posted by cleogirl:

First I guess I should start by saying that I have been married for 25 years.....Have known my husband since I was 19......we are great friends and enjoy doing a lot of things together.......

I had to comment .... you did not say how much you love, honor, respect and admire your husband right here .... when you had that opportunity.


If someone had said to me a year ago "Randi you are going to have an affair", I would have told them that they were out of their minds.......But it did happen......My relationship with the OM started as friends.....our friendship lasted for 3 months before we crossed the line

How did it feel to lie in the face of your husband? Did "friendship" mean more to you at that time than your marriage or your values? Why? What was missing in you that caused this moral cave-in? These things don't just happen. You need to find YOUR personal meaning to what you did. Until you do, you'll feel empty.


.....After a couple of months into the affair I guess guilt overwhelmed and I chose to confess to my husband.......I had no idea the pain that he indured.......unfortunately, and I hate to admit this but I guess this is why I'm here.......the affair continued

And why is that? Why did you continue to lie and cheat? What great value did that lie of an affair hold for you? Why was that lie more important when compared to your husband's breaking heart? Why didn't your husband's pain scream to you "STOP THIS MADNESS"? Your behavior has a meaning and a purpose very personal to you. What was the meaning of your behavior?

......The om seperated from his wife.....and I know that he wanted me to do the same..but I just wasn't ready to go there

So, you were ready to lie to his face and break his heart, but not ready to leave him. This is the crucible of your dilemma. Find out the meaning of your madness.


......anyway the way that it ended was very harsh.....the om"s wife called my husband and told him that we were still seeing each other

YOU owe this woman/wife you helped betray an enormous debt of gratitude ... for the rest of your life. Say a daily prayer of gratefullness that her courage played into your life. Her conviction and her courage saved you from yourself. Her strength overwhelmed your weakness.


.....it was the worst day of my life

I would think the worst day of your life might be the day you looked into your beloved's face and lied and betrayed him. The worst day is the day of sin. The day your sin was revealed, was a very difficult day, a very painful day, but also a very liberating day. Be grateful for that day. Celebrate that day as a day you were released from an addiction.


Never really got to say goodbye to the OM......

Saying goodbye in your heart and mind is enough. More than that is another betrayal of your vows and your husband's trust. be grateful there was no heart-felt lover's good-bye scene. Such a good-bye would prolong your addiction, not help it. It would be another dagger into your husband's chest.


I know that I hurt him too

He hurt himself with his own lack of good judgement. Have respect for his power to screw up his life without your help. For all you know, this might not have been the first affair he had. He never would have revealed previous A's to you. By the way .... where is your compassion for his wife's hurt here? I don't see evidence of any. Look inside yourself and find it. You need to feel the compassion for HIS wife, not just for your co-adulteror. You tried to destroy another woman's life. And if they have children, their's as well. Your compassion should be for YOUR victims, not for your co-conspiritor.

.....so hard.....I am just having a hard time with all of it..........

As you should. If you were having an easy time with all of this, you would be beyond help.

What I just did with this post to you is not intended to be harsh or mean-spirited.

This is called "re-framing" ..... your thoughts are confused by your emotionsal turmoil.

Your number one priority .... search for the meaning of your affair. What you went looking for. Who you were trying to become. What you were running away from. What part of yourself did you have to throw off in order to allow yourself to become so unsafe a spouse. Trechery is costly. There is always a bill come due eventually.

Explore your motives with honesty and courage.

Until then, you will remain lost, and unsafe for your spouse to trust.

Love,

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Yeah...what SHE said!! I can find absolutely no way to temper or augment anything Pep wrote because it's dead on. Everything starts and ends with you.

cleogirl, you have a golden opportunity here to learn some things about yourself that will make you loveable--by yourself and others.

I'll speak to the 'chance to say goodbye' notion and say with 90%-ish certainty that OM could not recognize or value anything you could convey to him in a goodbye anyway...assuming it really was a goodbye, and not a way to hang on in some way. You might well be better off without it. You might find out something about him that you don't want to know.

And read _Passionate_Marriage_ by David Schnarch.

Hello Cleogirl.

I wish there was never a need for you to be here! But since you are, welcome.

Be aware that there are many severely damaged and distraught people on this site. The issue of infidelity often brings about the worst in everyone involved. I was told by my counselor early on to stay off this site until I was at a more emotionally stable place. . . that the emotions here are just too raw and there are way too many untrained persons trying to play psychologist. Keep these things in mind when you read these posts.

Now to jump into the fray.

You had an affair, it is over and you feel guilty. That is pretty normal I think.

You did exactly what most of the folks here would advise and that was to come-clean with you spouse. I can imagine it wasn’t very pretty. Congratulations for being mature enough to let your spouse know about an issue that had/has huge consequences on his marriage.

You did “the right thing” and look at the result! It seems to be not fair, that you are being punished for being honest. I don’t know. I guess if your spouse was having an affair you would probably want to know too. Remember, you have had a lot longer to deal with this issue than has your husband. It is a shock to him and people in shock sometimes are not that nice to be around.

Your not sure what you want? How could you be? You have divided your loyalties and have experienced an emotional shock. I think that is normal too.

You still have an emotional attachment with the OM? I’m sure you do. Your affair was a 9 month ordeal. You establish a lot of personal history with this person and you are grieving the loss of that relationship. Again this seems to be a normal feeling.

Your affair put two marriages at risk of collapse, and your OM’s marriage has already been shattered. You feel guilty for that. Well, that is one of the risk of having an affair . . . the dismantling of current relationships. I know that you feel badly that your behavior played a part in his marital collapse, I guess you should. But there isn’t much you can do about it at this point. You can only try to save your marriage from a similar fate.

Affairs are horrible because some of the effects cannot be undone. When will you stop missing the OM, I don’t know. I was the wanderer in my relationship. My affair ended two years ago. I rarely see the OW and it is only in passing (same store, restaurant, etc.), but when I do, it still feel like I have been socked in the gut. When will this stop happening? I don’t know. Do I miss her? Yes. I know that will piss a lot of you off, but yes the wanderers sometimes miss the OP. Is it “her” that I miss or the feeling that I experienced with her? I tend to think it is the latter, but I really don’t know.

My wife will never look at me the same way and I will never have the same feeling for her either. My decisions have ‘tainted” our relationship. It may turn out that I only added a small pimple to our relationship or I could have started a malignancy that will one day metastasize and poison the entire being. This is one truth of affairs.

I wouldn’t worry about not saying goodbye, what could you possible say that would make the situation better? You need to decide if you wish to move on in your present relationship. Many people can. If the pain of your husband’s, or your pain for that matter, has caused the loss of all feelings of affections, then you may need to end this relationship and find a kinder place to be. You are in for a very painful journey either way you choose to travel.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Cleo,

I too would like to offer a few thoughts on your post. I hope you realize that while some of the posters may seem harsh to you, they are trying to kick start YOUR recovery and to do that you need to "reframe" you thinking as Pepper phrased it. I prefer the word changing pespective.

I thought I would offer for your reading and consideration a post made by a WW some years ago. It is her chronicles of her recovery following her affair. I will also tell you the answer to one of the more obvious questions. Yes,her recovery went well, she and her H have had a child since the affair and they are doing well. How do I know? I had the opportunity to meet her, her H, and some other MB'ers on a trip a few years ago.

So to answer the next question recovery does occur but it does take time. So please click on the highlighed bookmark. I hope her experience will help you see that you are at 7 months about where you should be. Have patience, keep asking questions of us, and more importantly of yourself.

Plus, correct me if I am wrong. Was it 7 months since your H heard from you of the affair or has it been 7 months since the affair truely really ended?

Any way here is the thread I promised SKM's Chronicles

God Bless,

JL

PS: I went back and read a few of your other posts. One post by you really struck me. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hello Quipper, I'm sorry I didreply but I am new at this and I probably messed up.....still learning how to post and reply......anyway you ask me what I was doing for Thanksgiving.....I have invited a very good friend and her family to join us this year.....I look forward to talking with her because years ago she went through a similar situation.....so hopefully she can help with some insight to where I am at.......you ask about what my husband is doing to bring romance back into our lives......he has done so much...we started going out dancing every Friday night and sometimes staying in a hotel downtown instead of coming home......we call it dancing our way to romance.....we both have also taken each other on a couple of surprize trips....this is very fun.....my husband loves me very much and I know this......the fact that he was able to forgive me speaks volumes......I think that I have spent the last 7 months healing him and making him feel secure in his place with me, but during this time I haven't addressed some of my issues....this is where I'm at now........
thank you again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find it interesting that you feel that you have spent 7 months healing him, when it is he that has done most of the heavy lifting. You betrayed him, you continued to betrayed him after he knew (thereby rubbing his face in it), you then and still are in withdrawal. And you have helped heal him how?? By allowing him to find it deep somewhere inside to forgive you, by allowing him to take you dancing and weekends off, by allowing him to love you, and try to be the husband he "thinks" you want? Where exactly have you done the heavy lifting? Oh! yes! you gave up OM.

Cleo once you read SKM's posts, please do me a favor and read about withdrawal. I believe you are still in it. You also mentioned you attraction of other men, and your need for attention from other men. Perhaps you should be seeing a counselor. I do not mean this in a negative way. You pointed out that your parents divorce affected you strongly. It is time to address that as well as other issues.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Comfortably Numb:

My wife will never look at me the same way and I will never have the same feeling for her either.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are 7 almost 8 years into recovery .... we are not "the same" ... we are better than before the affair.

Just so you know, Numb, there can be a better marriage for you .... if you are willing to FEEL again.

It takes your willingness and your courage. Can you come up with those criteria? I think so.

Love,

Pep

PS .... "Passionate Marriage .... get a copy and open up your feelings once again. You can recover love and passion in your marriage .... yes, you can.