Comfortably Numb ("Hello, is there anybody in there?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - I love that song!):

It's true, though. You'll never be the same again. Ever again. You should rejoice in this knowledge. You have embarked on a new voyage that can be wonderous beyond your wildest, comfortably numb dreams.

Ask Pep and JL. My W had a 12- year A. I found out about it almost 2 years ago. The whole process I've been through, and the different, but simultaneous experience she's been through, and the RECOVERY phase we're finally in - all of it was necessary. You see? There is absolutely no alternative 2 recovery, in my view. People run away from the responsibility of recovering all the time - and right in2 the same kinds of fu2re relationships, because they carry the same old emotional baggage with them that got them in2 trouble in the first place.

Back 2 my point. My M is nothing like it ever has been in the past 28 years. It's mind-blowingly complex, sometimes our conversations hurt each other, sometimes I have 2 think a lot harder than I'd like - burning vast 2uantities of emotional calories in the process. But after each and every such convo (which are getting more frequent and candid all the time) I grow. Little bits at a time most times, but I grow nevertheless.

In just the past year, I've grown in2 someone that even I wouldn't have recognized if I wasn't wearing me at the time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . And it's good growth.

-ol' 2long
P.S. "Trust" is a gift that you and your spouse can (indeed must) give each other. Each time we trust someone with our so-personal selves, we take a risk. If we're betrayed, we take the risk again, because not 2 do so is not 2 grow. And that is NOT a viable option.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hiker:
<strong> Hello Cleo,

I am writing because I see that we have had similar feelings after our A's ended. Those that have wrtten before me have all the resources but you are right the books just don't seem to be enough.

Like you I wanted, and still want, everyone else to be OK including the OW. I would deal with me last after all I felt I was the cause of the mess in the first place. The A lasted about 9 mos. But then we started speaking again by phone and e-mail in spite of my promise of NC(another broken promise)Now it is really over. If the OW contacts me again I am prepared to not contact her.

There wasn't a satisfactory "goodbye" as you said. It leaves you feeling empty. But then what is a "good goodbye"?

We lived an illusion for several months. I think that when we figure out what the OP provided for us we can understand our attachment to them. I haven't become unattached to her, I just know that it was: a fantasy, that I need to find out what my needs are and explain them to my W so that she can fill in that void. I think we love people forever so I am afraid that you and I will always miss them, they will always miss us. But with work, I am not there yet, we can have a fulfilling life

My wife told me last night that she still loves me but know it is different. In many ways she is still "back there". I wish I knew how to bring the BS out of that but I think that is something that they have to work on for themselves.

Additionally you are grieving the loss of this relationship with the OM so I would recommend some kind of grief counseling. I belong to a group offered by a local women's center called "loss of Relationship" and it is helping me to understand my loss and help to work through it. You and I have experienced a real loss and I think we have to acknowledge the loss both to ourselves and our spouses; we then need to take steps to overcome the loss. I think it is like a death but it is really worse because the person is still here. You can see them and talk to them but you really can't. That is a very difficult place to be. I hope there is some help here for you. Maybe there is a "center" where you can go. There are many recovery groups available go on line and do some searching. If you live in SO Cal check out The Mariposa Women's Center in Orange.
H </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you Hiker for replying,
Yes it is very hard to forget......there is no on off switch when you love someone.....I honestly do believe that I fell in love with the OM......It's ironic but my husband and I have realized a lot of good that has come out of this...it has forced us both to change...and for the better......sometimes you have to be down in the gutter to come out of it...ya know?????My husband loves me so much and was not willing to give me up.....I had no idea he felt this strongly about me......I took the other path because I wasn't happy in my life as it was.....and this other person took me to a peaceful place and put a smile back on my face.......I know like you it was a fantasy place.....but do you ever know if you made the right decision.....I guess we will always wonder.....I will never forget him.....sometimes don't you wish you could just push rewind????????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong> Comfortably Numb ("Hello, is there anybody in there?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - I love that song!):

It's true, though. You'll never be the same again. Ever again. You should rejoice in this knowledge. You have embarked on a new voyage that can be wonderous beyond your wildest, comfortably numb dreams.

Ask Pep and JL. My W had a 12- year A. I found out about it almost 2 years ago. The whole process I've been through, and the different, but simultaneous experience she's been through, and the RECOVERY phase we're finally in - all of it was necessary. You see? There is absolutely no alternative 2 recovery, in my view. People run away from the responsibility of recovering all the time - and right in2 the same kinds of fu2re relationships, because they carry the same old emotional baggage with them that got them in2 trouble in the first place.

Back 2 my point. My M is nothing like it ever has been in the past 28 years. It's mind-blowingly complex, sometimes our conversations hurt each other, sometimes I have 2 think a lot harder than I'd like - burning vast 2uantities of emotional calories in the process. But after each and every such convo (which are getting more frequent and candid all the time) I grow. Little bits at a time most times, but I grow nevertheless.

In just the past year, I've grown in2 someone that even I wouldn't have recognized if I wasn't wearing me at the time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . And it's good growth.

-ol' 2long
P.S. "Trust" is a gift that you and your spouse can (indeed must) give each other. Each time we trust someone with our so-personal selves, we take a risk. If we're betrayed, we take the risk again, because not 2 do so is not 2 grow. And that is NOT a viable option. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello toolong......
Yes things will never be the same......like yourself I have changed and so has my husband, and we talk about that and actually the change in both of us is very positive......Isn't it funny that you have to reach the bottom to rise......I really have become a better person.....and so has my husband.......It's just this aching in me that won't subside.......I spent the last 7 months helping my husband heal......now I need to heal myself........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Amethyst03:
<strong> cleogirl,

you haven't mentioned anything in your post about your views on religion so this may or may not be helpful for you.

in my case (i'm a ww aswell,) i too really (!) struggled with letting go of my feelings for om. and, like you, it was the friendship that hurt the most to lose. even though we did end things on a "good" note (as opposed to some of the stories about crazy ops) and we did have a chance to say goodbye, it was very hard for me to deal with the fact that i'd hurt him so badly. unfortunately, my situation was messed up even more by my being pregnant with his baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

the thing is, i knew how badly i'd hurt my h, but i also have the rest of my/our lives to make it up to him (which i'm trying very hard to do!). but in the case of the om, i don't have the opportunity to make ammends.

i know it may be hard for some bs to read this and you'll feel that my remorse is misplaced. you may be right. i just feel like it's unfinished. i don't get the chance to make it right. and i understand that i'm not going to have the chance because of nc. that's what i've been trying to deal with lately.

this is where the religion part comes in... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

our mc, who is a christian counsellor, made it clear that it's not my place to make things right with him (om). all i really have left to do is pray and give him to God. that might seem over-simplified, but i've found that prayer has really helped in my "getting over" om. i took the suggestion of someone here on this site that everything i thought about om, i'd pray for my h instead. now i think about him quite rarely. and when i do, it's not with that same overwhelming longing like it was following d-day.

if prayer isn't your thing, when you find yourself thinking about om, consciously turn your thoughts to your h. think about the wonderful qualities he has. think about something fun you can do that night. think about some great memory you two have together. anything! just start focusing on your h.

just know, cleogirl, that it does get easier. even though i didn't believe that for an instant early on in all this, it is true.

i wish you and your h all the best.

amy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you amethyst for your reply.....Yes it is very hard not being able to make peace with the past......My Om left his wife and wanted me to do the same......he wanted to marry me......I think his feelings for me went way deeper than just infatuation......I'm not sure exactly where my feelings were for him on that level......I do no that I miss him very much......and hurts loosing a friend......
I can't imagine being in your shoes though with a baby.......Does the Om know you had his baby? And how does your husband feel about the baby????Must be very hard for you......
My husband and I are working to re-build our relationship....but I'm afraid that I am scared for life..I don't think that there is anything you can do about that........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> [QUOTE]

Originally posted by cleogirl:

First I guess I should start by saying that I have been married for 25 years.....Have known my husband since I was 19......we are great friends and enjoy doing a lot of things together.......

I had to comment .... you did not say how much you love, honor, respect and admire your husband right here .... when you had that opportunity.


If someone had said to me a year ago "Randi you are going to have an affair", I would have told them that they were out of their minds.......But it did happen......My relationship with the OM started as friends.....our friendship lasted for 3 months before we crossed the line

How did it feel to lie in the face of your husband? Did "friendship" mean more to you at that time than your marriage or your values? Why? What was missing in you that caused this moral cave-in? These things don't just happen. You need to find YOUR personal meaning to what you did. Until you do, you'll feel empty.


.....After a couple of months into the affair I guess guilt overwhelmed and I chose to confess to my husband.......I had no idea the pain that he indured.......unfortunately, and I hate to admit this but I guess this is why I'm here.......the affair continued

And why is that? Why did you continue to lie and cheat? What great value did that lie of an affair hold for you? Why was that lie more important when compared to your husband's breaking heart? Why didn't your husband's pain scream to you "STOP THIS MADNESS"? Your behavior has a meaning and a purpose very personal to you. What was the meaning of your behavior?

......The om seperated from his wife.....and I know that he wanted me to do the same..but I just wasn't ready to go there

So, you were ready to lie to his face and break his heart, but not ready to leave him. This is the crucible of your dilemma. Find out the meaning of your madness.


......anyway the way that it ended was very harsh.....the om"s wife called my husband and told him that we were still seeing each other

YOU owe this woman/wife you helped betray an enormous debt of gratitude ... for the rest of your life. Say a daily prayer of gratefullness that her courage played into your life. Her conviction and her courage saved you from yourself. Her strength overwhelmed your weakness.


.....it was the worst day of my life

I would think the worst day of your life might be the day you looked into your beloved's face and lied and betrayed him. The worst day is the day of sin. The day your sin was revealed, was a very difficult day, a very painful day, but also a very liberating day. Be grateful for that day. Celebrate that day as a day you were released from an addiction.


Never really got to say goodbye to the OM......

Saying goodbye in your heart and mind is enough. More than that is another betrayal of your vows and your husband's trust. be grateful there was no heart-felt lover's good-bye scene. Such a good-bye would prolong your addiction, not help it. It would be another dagger into your husband's chest.


I know that I hurt him too

He hurt himself with his own lack of good judgement. Have respect for his power to screw up his life without your help. For all you know, this might not have been the first affair he had. He never would have revealed previous A's to you. By the way .... where is your compassion for his wife's hurt here? I don't see evidence of any. Look inside yourself and find it. You need to feel the compassion for HIS wife, not just for your co-adulteror. You tried to destroy another woman's life. And if they have children, their's as well. Your compassion should be for YOUR victims, not for your co-conspiritor.

.....so hard.....I am just having a hard time with all of it..........

As you should. If you were having an easy time with all of this, you would be beyond help.

What I just did with this post to you is not intended to be harsh or mean-spirited.

This is called "re-framing" ..... your thoughts are confused by your emotionsal turmoil.

Your number one priority .... search for the meaning of your affair. What you went looking for. Who you were trying to become. What you were running away from. What part of yourself did you have to throw off in order to allow yourself to become so unsafe a spouse. Trechery is costly. There is always a bill come due eventually.

Explore your motives with honesty and courage.

Until then, you will remain lost, and unsafe for your spouse to trust.

Love,

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Pep, well a little wake up call here.......I followed everything that you commented on........There is no excuse for betraying ones spouse this I know......but my husband and I have talked about why I chose to go there and we agree on how it happened......Believe me when I say that lying to my husband was very hard and stressful.....but obviously not enough for me to walk away from a situation that I found myself in......My only excuse is that I was intoxicated with the peaceful place that I found myself in......As for the OM's wife.......He seperated from her before he and I became intimate......she honestly was not a very nice person......sorry but I feel no remorse for that women........She was seeing other men at the time......
I have past issues that have nothing to do with my affair that my MC said probably have a lot to do with my actions...I guess those are the demons that I need to address..easier said than done......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
b]We are 7 almost 8 years into recovery .... we are not "the same" ... we are better than before the affair.

Just so you know, Numb, there can be a better marriage for you .... if you are willing to FEEL again.

It takes your willingness and your courage. Can you come up with those criteria? I think so.

Love,

Pep

PS .... "Passionate Marriage .... get a copy and open up your feelings once again. You can recover love and passion in your marriage .... yes, you can.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep,

I appreciate the advice, but this is cleo's tread, not mine.

I am glad that you have had a successful rebuilding of your marriage though.

Sometimes, what one feels is not a conscious choice; sometimes one just feels, or doesn't as the case may be.

Sometimes being Numb is all right, maybe not for a lifetime, but for a period of time until equilibrium is reestablished.

Sorry Cleo for the highjack.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Cleo,

I too would like to offer a few thoughts on your post. I hope you realize that while some of the posters may seem harsh to you, they are trying to kick start YOUR recovery and to do that you need to "reframe" you thinking as Pepper phrased it. I prefer the word changing pespective.

I thought I would offer for your reading and consideration a post made by a WW some years ago. It is her chronicles of her recovery following her affair. I will also tell you the answer to one of the more obvious questions. Yes,her recovery went well, she and her H have had a child since the affair and they are doing well. How do I know? I had the opportunity to meet her, her H, and some other MB'ers on a trip a few years ago.

So to answer the next question recovery does occur but it does take time. So please click on the highlighed bookmark. I hope her experience will help you see that you are at 7 months about where you should be. Have patience, keep asking questions of us, and more importantly of yourself.

Plus, correct me if I am wrong. Was it 7 months since your H heard from you of the affair or has it been 7 months since the affair truely really ended?

Any way here is the thread I promised SKM's Chronicles

God Bless,

JL

PS: I went back and read a few of your other posts. One post by you really struck me. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hello Quipper, I'm sorry I didreply but I am new at this and I probably messed up.....still learning how to post and reply......anyway you ask me what I was doing for Thanksgiving.....I have invited a very good friend and her family to join us this year.....I look forward to talking with her because years ago she went through a similar situation.....so hopefully she can help with some insight to where I am at.......you ask about what my husband is doing to bring romance back into our lives......he has done so much...we started going out dancing every Friday night and sometimes staying in a hotel downtown instead of coming home......we call it dancing our way to romance.....we both have also taken each other on a couple of surprize trips....this is very fun.....my husband loves me very much and I know this......the fact that he was able to forgive me speaks volumes......I think that I have spent the last 7 months healing him and making him feel secure in his place with me, but during this time I haven't addressed some of my issues....this is where I'm at now........
thank you again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find it interesting that you feel that you have spent 7 months healing him, when it is he that has done most of the heavy lifting. You betrayed him, you continued to betrayed him after he knew (thereby rubbing his face in it), you then and still are in withdrawal. And you have helped heal him how?? By allowing him to find it deep somewhere inside to forgive you, by allowing him to take you dancing and weekends off, by allowing him to love you, and try to be the husband he "thinks" you want? Where exactly have you done the heavy lifting? Oh! yes! you gave up OM.

Cleo once you read SKM's posts, please do me a favor and read about withdrawal. I believe you are still in it. You also mentioned you attraction of other men, and your need for attention from other men. Perhaps you should be seeing a counselor. I do not mean this in a negative way. You pointed out that your parents divorce affected you strongly. It is time to address that as well as other issues. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Just Learning..Thank you for your response.....I will definately check out the information that you gave me........It has been 7 months since the affair ended......and yes I know I am still in withdrawl.......I guess I need to clarify what I meant by spending the last 7 months helping my husband heal......I know he has done most of the healing for us both, but now 7 months later I need to face some of my own demons.... try to get a better handle on why I chose this path, that is why I am here......I know in order to truly be there for my husband I have to close this chapter in my life.......just having a really hard time with it......To bad these experiences don't just have an on off switch.......

.....My only excuse is that I was intoxicated with the peaceful place that I found myself in

Are you saying that your need for peaceful intoxication is your spiritual meaning for your affair? I am thinking that the word "excuse" does NOT have any useful purpose for your personal recovery. Look for "meaning" rather than excuse. This will help your recovery. "Excuse" is what you tell others. What do you tell yourself?


......As for the OM's wife.......He seperated from her before he and I became intimate......she honestly was not a very nice person......sorry but I feel no remorse for that women........She was seeing other men at the time......

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And so were you! You share that commonality with OM's wife. You were BOTH seeing other men while married. This remark you make (about her) is very telling. You feel no remorse for "that woman" .... and you could just as easily be saying this about yourself! This may be a clue as to what is stalling your personal recovery. Force yourself to find some bit of feeling for "that woman" .... and it might open a door for feeling OK about yourself!


..easier said than done......

but necessary to do, nevertheless.

You are very blessed to be loved by such a strong man as your husband. That means you are special and wonderful in his eyes. Don't you agree? Do you love yourself as much as your husband does?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

edited for clarity

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Cleo,

Allow me to offer you, some ideas about posting. You can certainly continue to do it as you do, which is repeat the entire post of the person you are answering to. It does mean that the response is right below the post. However, if you decide you only want to copy parts you can do the following if you surround the word "quote" and "/qoute" with square brackets, ANYTHING you copy or cut and paste between these two bracketed words will be a quote.

You may already know that, but if not it may help. I do hope you read SKM's thread. It offers a time line that may be in keeping with your recovery.

You mentioned past issues. Does your H know what they are?? I ask you this because your H is the one person (other than a good counselor) who can help you. Yes, you have hurt him deeply, but apparently he is committed to you.

You mentioned and Pepper commented on the statement about having "peace" in your affair. What does that mean? What are you saying about your marriage?

You can do this Cleo, it will take time and effort but you can do this.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Cleo,

Allow me to offer you, some ideas about posting. You can certainly continue to do it as you do, which is repeat the entire post of the person you are answering to. It does mean that the response is right below the post. However, if you decide you only want to copy parts you can do the following if you surround the word "quote" and "/qoute" with square brackets, ANYTHING you copy or cut and paste between these two bracketed words will be a quote.

You may already know that, but if not it may help. I do hope you read SKM's thread. It offers a time line that may be in keeping with your recovery.

You mentioned past issues. Does your H know what they are?? I ask you this because your H is the one person (other than a good counselor) who can help you. Yes, you have hurt him deeply, but apparently he is committed to you.

You mentioned and Pepper commented on the statement about having "peace" in your affair. What does that mean? What are you saying about your marriage?

You can do this Cleo, it will take time and effort but you can do this.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry I guess I'm not grasping the bracketed quote thing....I was wondering why it keeps repeated replies......
Thank you again for responding.......yes my husband does know about my past issues.....I know from all that I have read and my own advice to others is that you have to put the past behind you.....but doesn't your past kind of make you who you are?????It's always there even if it is just subliminal........
About the peace that I found in the affair......My husband is a pilot so for the past 19 years I have played both the roll of mom and dad......can become exhausting.....My husband was also very dominating I became this passive personality.....It got to a point where I felt that he wasn't really ever listening to me.....There was a lot of stress in our household my son's senior year......he's a good kid......just teenage stuff......It was hard on me because my son would upset me and then the minute my husband got home I would spill everyting on him and it would make him upset...which in turn made everyone up set.....I know it's hard on my husband being gone 4 days a week.obviously you would like to always come home to peace and tranquility.....just doesn't always happen that way.....When I was with the other man......he fullfilled several needs that I was lacking, one he listened to me and actually cared about what I was talking about......he put a smile back on my face and made me laugh again.....I have shared these things with my husband.....and believe it or not because of my wrong doings I feel that he has become a better person, he believes this as well.......I believe that everyone at some point in there marriage just feels like riding the rail......do you know what I mean???????

Cleo ... have you ever suspected that your H has strayed from his marriage vows?

Just wondering ....

Pep

hello Pep, and to answer your question I can honestly say the answer to that would be no......I know that after I betrayed him he said that he ran into a flight attendant that he knew has liked him over the years. He said he knew he could have hooked up with her, but he said that he realized that it would only make him feel worse........I guess the saying two wrongs don't make a right.......I know in his line of business it would be very easy to have an affair....but again no.....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

glad to hear that .... the more A's involved, the messier it is.

Think of your M like a gold neclace. Right now it's in a big tangle and you are trying to gradually untangle the confusing mess.

Eventually, with effort, you'll get it all straightened out, and your neclace will feel right. And you will feel beautiful and lovely wearing it.

With BOTH spouses working on the marriage, the affair recovery isn't completely "untangled" for about 2 years.

Patience and perserverence.

Be brave. Be true.

When you get scared of your feelings, say to yourself: "This too shall pass".

Your feelings are temporary. Your principles are the core to your authentic self. Your principles are what YOU stand for.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Cleo,

The bracket thing is the {quote} {/quote}. I used curly brackets so that you can see them if you used [] with the word quote in it, then anything you put between the quotes is quoted. I think you are clicking on something that is causing it to repeat, but you don't have to have that.

As for being a pilots W, I do understand you. My father was a pilot in the military long ago, and he would be gone for 3-4 weeks at a time ( it took a long time to go around the world in those days). My mother then raised us while he was gone. Plus his job required huge hours when he wasn't away.

I will tell you something that you may not realize and I think you need to understand. If you had been married to a school teacher, particularly a grade school teacher he would have been talking to you as if you were a child. I presume he is senior enough to be a captain of a plane. If so he talked to you as he would if he was flying. It is often hard to change back and forth especially with being gone 4 days a week.

My bet is he always loved you deeply and would have changed if you had really articulated your need for him to be different. I used to travel a lot, and you have no idea how out of touch you feel, and how much you feel you miss when you are gone. My W used to act as if I was in the way, when I got home. "Oh! your home, well try to NOT mess up the schedule OK?"

Your OM could afford to talk to you like he did, it wasn't his son having problems at 18. It wasn't his marriage. Cleo I can easily give you advice here on how to run your marriage because I am not at risk, and neither was OM, so it was peaceful. You saved all of the hard stuff for your H when he got home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You will also notice if you read my posts and those of the members that have been around a long time that we DO NOT give advice. I will offer opinions, make suggestions for your consideration, perhaps a differnt point of view, but ADVICE no. We are not professionals and advice from people that have little or nothing to risk is not often as well considered as it should be.

I do think you misunderstood about the looking at past issues. You should LEARN from the past, but not live there. You need to address your issues absolutely, but you will not be able to go anywhere with regard to your marriage if you don't take the lessons of the past and then look forward. You clearly look back to OM with great fondness even after 7 months. That is not good, but then you will never see him as a bad man. You might eventually come to see the harm he did to your marriage and to you. You have not realized what this affair has done to you yet. Or so it would appear.

I get the sense that your withdrawal is still on, and that you still don't see your H for who and what he really is. If he has not had an affair after being on the road 4 days a week for (is it almost 20 years?? maybe longer), then you really have no clue how fortunate you are. You really need to reexamine him. The OM you care for so much is a KNOWN ADULTERER. You know he will cheat in marriage, is that the type of man you want to be married to? Is that the role model you want for your children?

Time for you to understand that your H has been taken for granted by you. It is time to realize that he clearly loved you more than you realize, and finally it is time to realize the can and has changed because he does love you. So what are you doing? Where do you need to work? How can he help you? These are things you need to consider and even discuss with him.

Time to focus on the big picture Cleo. I realize you resent the time he was away, but you don't resent the time his work allowed you to be with your children do you? There are always balances. Have you consider how much he fears to leave on another trip not knowing if you will have another affair or get back with OM. You may KNOW you won't but your lingering in withdrawal does not offer him a lot of reassurance. More importantly you need to realize he is not sure he can be a good enough husband to you, to keep you happy in your marriage.

Lots of things to consider, but I think you might want to consider changing your perspective abit. Perhaps that will help you as you begin to focus on what you have done and where you want to be with regard to this marriage and your happiness.

Hope something I have said is of use.

God Bless,

JL