Hi all,

At the bottom of this post is a story I wrote about a year ago after going through my STBXW's EA/PA with an old friend of hers. On the advice of a counsellor I sat down and wrote the story of my experience. I wrote it in the third person because it seemed easier that way. Now that I am past all the hurt and anger and betrayal I felt, I feel the need to share this with the people here. So many people who posted last year will never know the extent they've touched my life. The biggest help I got from this site was the knowledge I was not alone and that is one of the reasons for this post. Maybe there is someone out there going through something similiar and this story may provide some small help for them. Possibly, there is someone who is in the early stages of their spouse having an EA and my experience will help them deal with it with more success than I did. In retrospect, the one thing I would have done differently is that I would have drawn clear boundaries in my STBXW's "friendship" much, much earlier than I did and made it very clear what I could and could not live with. Maybe things would have ended up differently and maybe not. At this point I believe that things happened for the best in any case and maybe someone needs to see that message - that I went through three years of pure hell but I emerged and I am truly happy and content with my life right now, and if someone is going through it now, please know that there are better days ahead and someday you will shine again. I am going to start posting on this board with the hope of helping anyone who has been through or is going through something similiar. It's the least I can do.

I've taken out the names of the individuals involved and even changed the initials to protect the people involved, but this is exactly how I wrote this and exactly how it happened. As an update, I found out shortly after the final split that the A had been a PA for at least six months. It's long so you may want to grab a coffee or a snack now..........


B's Story

Almost eighteen years ago B met the woman of his dreams. Her name was K and she was beautiful, caring, loving and considerate. She would not judge people nor would she criticize without cause. She was not the type to constantly want to party, although she enjoyed a good time as much as anyone. She was exactly what B needed to complete his life. It wasn't long before they were completely in love with one another. Before B and K met, K had dated a man by the name of M for almost a year. Coincidentally two of K's sisters were married to two of M's brothers. Her relationship ended with M when she found out that he had been dating three people at once, K, a girl from out of town, and a third girl who's name does not come to mind. It also did not help that M was a heavy drinker and routinely got into trouble with the law. He eventually settled down with the girl from out of town

When B and K became engaged two years later, M wrote her a letter asking her to leave and come back to him. She responded saying that she was in love with B and M should move on with his life. Two more years passed and B and K were married. Despite not having much when they got married, they were as happy as two people could be. The years passed and they had two boys who are now 7 and 11. They are wonderful children, well-behaved and little gentlemen. It seemed that B and K had it all. They were the envy of many couples and so many people wanted a marriage just like they had. The words "I Love You!" were spoken multiple times each day and there was rarely a day when B would not show his love in some way - a rose, a little gift, or a love note on her pillow. How could he not show her his love? She had made his life complete, she gave him unconditional love, two wonderful children and was his absolute best buddy.

The only issue in the marriage of B and K was that they had very different sleeping patterns. While B was something of a night owl and preferred to stay up until 12:30 or 1 am, K much preferred to get to bed by 10 or 10:30. They discussed it a few times because it meant they rarely went to bed together. They tried to find a middle ground around 11:30 but K would often fall asleep on the couch or B would lay in bed for some time trying to get to sleep. It was a problem, but compared to the happiness they felt, it did not seem to be a major issue. K and B lived away for a few years and came home in 1992 since this is where family is. K has a large family and it was lonely to live far from home. It was a setback financially, but they made the move and within a few years they were doing quite well again. They bought a nice home and, once again, B and K were the envy of so many people. The years they had spent together brought them even closer than they had been in the past.

Five years ago, B was offered a large contract from a national company to write a piece of software. He had done something similar for a local affiliate of the company and they wanted him to do the same for them. It was an incredible opportunity to make two years worth of salary in just four months but there was a catch. The timetable for the software was four months and B had a good job, so the software had to be written after hours. It would mean 18-20 hours a day, seven days a week between regular work and the contract. They discussed it at length and decided to go for it. B was more reluctant than K because it would take up all his time and take precious time away from her and their boys, but in the end they both decided the money was too good to pass up. B accepted the contract and was not seen for four months, but it got completed and, all of a sudden, there was a large amount of cash (even after taxes). They rebuilt the home they had bought completely and B was able to do something he had always hoped to do. That Christmas he gave his family a gift. A no-holds-barred vacation in the heart of Disneyworld for two weeks. The following spring, the family lived a dream in Florida and the boys had memories they would treasure for all their lives.

Around three years ago, things began to change. M had reappeared in their lives in a larger way. He had always been around because one of his brothers was still married to one of K's sisters (the other brother had decided to find happiness with another), but K and M started to become closer friends. B had never been a jealous person and trusted K completely, so he was not concerned. K also had a male friend in the past when they lived away with whom she worked. They often went to lunch together and he even brought her a rose for her birthday. B didn't mind and knew that this man respected him and his marriage and he was secure in K's love. He felt the same when K and M started to become closer friends. B was never really comfortable around M though. M was a heavy drinker and very lewd around women. He did not work for twenty years even though his wife would work while he sat at home watching TV and listening to music. His idea of a good time was sitting around the kitchen table with four or five people and a couple of bottles of rum and getting smashed until midnight when everyone would head out to a bar. B and K joined them on a number of occasions even though it was certainly not B's idea of a good time. He would much prefer to leave home in the evening and go directly to a club with his wife and some friends for some dancing and a few drinks. He went though and each time became the designated driver. K had grown up with an alcoholic father and she despised drinking most times, but she was very comfortable around these people and would drink with them.

M and K got closer and closer. K had injured her neck and was unable to work but before that she worked doing childcare at home so she was home during the day. M was not working so he was also at home during the day and they began talking on the phone very frequently. In addition, each weekend K would want to spend a night with M and his wife doing what they liked to do. During these social gatherings B began to notice that M seemed to be playing little mind games with B. He would make certain B knew that K had shared very personal secrets of theirs, he would make verbal jabs about his and K's past and how close they were and he would always direct very suggestive, sexual comments at K while grinning at B. B mentioned this to K a number of times, but she replied that is "just M". The strange thing is, K would see such behavior in others and be completely repulsed, but with M it was only "his way". So many weekends, B wanted to go to a movie or go dancing, but it would always be the same - M's or gambling. That was the other problem that began at about the same time. B and K's brother enjoyed playing pool on occasion and his wife and K would play the slot machines. This too got out of hand and the machines were draining B and K, financially. B simply felt that he paid the government too much already in taxes, he did not want to give them more voluntarily. K was not the type to go to clubs and play the machines without B's knowledge, but each time she made the promise to just drop in and maybe try a twenty, she could not stop. On the nights when she won, she would be the most wonderful person in the world to be around, but even then she would stay at the machines until very late. On nights when she was losing, she became a very different person and B was the target for her anger. If B made an issue of the gambling, she would accuse him of not wanting her to have fun and proceed to tell him that he needed to be more like M. B's problem was that he simply could not say "No" to her. Many times he would ask and plead that they do something different, make some new friends, probably do something like take dancing lessons. They could meet people who enjoyed the same type of thing (both B and K love dancing), and have some real fun without spending hundreds of dollars.

Finally, the relationship between M and K became a much bigger problem for B. He came home from work one day to find that there was a major problem with one of his children at school. K told him to not worry about it, that it was taken care of. She went on to explain that M and her had discussed it and he had advised her on how to handle it and B didn't need to worry about it. B was devastated. He had always been there for his family and there was simply no reason for him not to be involved in any situation with one of his children. That weekend, he sat K down and poured out his heart. He told her that her relationship with M was bothering him and all the reasons why. He talked about how M had seemed to be taking his place in her life and how uncomfortable M had made him feel. She told B that he was being foolish, there was nothing to worry about, but she would talk to M and cut down the contact. She also told him that she and M usually talked 5 to 6 times each day. B could not grasp what two people could talk about that would take so much time and he found out that he had been shut out of many parts of K's feelings.

A few days later, K did indeed go to M and do what she had promised. When B asked about it, she said that things had gone OK and that the problem should be over. Unfortunately nothing changed except the fact that K began wanting to spend even more time socializing with M and his wife. A couple of weeks later, K spent an evening with one of her sisters and asked her opinion on the situation. Her sister told her that she could not understand what K was doing. She said that not one man in a million would tolerate what she had put B through and if she didn't fix it, she would lose her husband. K came home that night and sobbed while B held her close. She said she could finally see the hurt she had caused and promised to make it better. The next morning she headed to M's and told him that they must end what they were doing for both their families sakes. It seemed that the problem was solved. One issue remained in that M refused to stop calling. He continued despite K's wishes but B and K resolved that they would work together to handle it and things began to get better.

The following Thursday became what Bill now refers to as D-day. B dropped in from work for lunch to see her as he often did and found her crying on the couch. He tried to get her to talk but she would not speak for a long time. Finally she told him she was leaving him. She told him that she had been unfaithful, that he deserved someone who could give him the same love he felt and that she could no longer. He was torn apart. He asked what she had meant by "unfaithful" because he simply could not accept the fact that his beloved wife would be with anyone else physically. She told him that the first time she went to see M that M had broken down and confessed his deep love for her. She said that she had expressed her love for M as well and they had kissed. B asked how she truly felt about he and M and she said that she was in love with both. B told her he needed to sort out what he was feeling and left. He walked out as she cried, something that he had never done and something that tore him apart, but he needed to get out, to be alone. B took the afternoon off and spent some time examining his feelings. His entire world had just broken into little pieces but he knew how much he loved his wife and decided to see if he could make it work. He arranged a babysitter and asked K to go out with him that evening.

B and K went out and they talked. B needed to understand exactly what had happened. He knew that he must share some of the blame because if he had been a good enough husband, this should not have happened. He could not understand the attraction to M either. While certainly no Brad Pitt, B thought of himself as a reasonable looking man, M was almost 300 pounds and not all attractive. B was relatively successful and had provided well for his family while M refused to work. B drank moderately, if at all, while M had a problem with alcohol. B made sure that he helped his wife in any way he could, while M would let his wife work six days a week and do housework and grocery shopping on her day off. Most of all, B was honest and devoted while M had, by his own admission, stayed in his marriage only waiting for K to "become available."

That night, K told B that her true love was for him, that she felt close to M but that she wanted to be with B. That was enough for B. He asked K for one thing - a commitment. He asked her to take M out of her life and give them time to rebuild the special love they once shared. He was torn apart inside but he knew they could do it and he believed in his family, in his wife. K agreed and phoned M then and there and told him that it was over, there would be no more contact. There was a lot of work to do, but the marriage and the love could be saved, and maybe even made better.

Four days later it fell apart again. K was out for the evening when B missed a phone call. He checked the callers list to see who had called and found M's number on the phone from earlier in the day. Strangely, the callers list had been cleared from the main phone in the house. When K got home, they talked and B asked if she had heard from M. She said she had not heard a word. When B showed her the calls, she got very angry and accused him of spying on her. She said that she was tired of living under a microscope and was sorry that she “felt the need to lie”. She said M was and would always be her best friend and that B could do with that what he wanted. He knew that he simply had to keep working on the marriage. Over the following months, K swore on eight different occasions to end her "friendship". Twice it was due to arguments between B and K one of which ended in a weeklong separation. The other times, it was due to K making the decision, or after K had been advised by someone, usually a family member, that what she and M were doing was wrong to both spouses. B read all he could on marriages and saving them and came across a wonderful website called "Marriage Builders". There he learned that what his wife was doing was called an "emotional affair" and there may indeed be a way to save his marriage. He started what is called a Plan A by the authors of the site and it meant showing his wife nothing but love with no "love busters" as they are called (angry ourburst's, etc.)

During this trying time, B also decided to talk to M and he went to see him. M apologized and swore that he would never again be a threat. M and B actually began to talk themselves and it seemed as if M was becoming a friend. The only problem was that during this entire time, he was pursuing K and talking to her constantly, asking and begging her to leave B for him, trying to turn her from her husband and children and convince her to run off with him. He was completely relentless in his pursuit and deliberately tried to cause problems in their marriage. He was and is the ultimate master of the mind game! K told B this one of the times she decided to end their "friendship"after speaking to her brother. That particular day was a Sunday and she had spoken to her brother the night before. She sat B down that day and swore that she had finally seen the truth, that she would spend the rest of her life making up for the choices she had made, that she would end the friendship and work on the gambling. She was so determined that B believed this time it was true. They spent a family day with their boys - a drive in the country holding hands, ice cream and a lot of love. K told B that she finally felt "free", that it was finally over and he was the only man for her. Unfortunately that too lasted less than a week. Each time K would "end it" with M, he would continue to hound her until she gave in. She refused to hurt his feelings by blocking his number from the phone or being firm and angry about him leaving her alone. All the while, he was insulting and attacking the man she said she loved and she would allow it. The strange thing was that she would not allow her husband to say anything bad about M. She began to blame B for allowing this situation to happen, for not being there. The examples she used were during the contract B accepted and during the day while he worked. She would also raise the issue of them not going to bed together. B could not see how he could have been there more. In his opinion the “going to bed together” issue was a joint one and they both agreed to the contract, K even more so. As far as not being there during the day, we all have to work, don’t we?

During this time, K would often attack B verbally whenever she was unhappy. If he did not want to stay at the club where she gambled until closing she would tell him that he was no fun, that he didn't know how to have a good time. Each of these times she would compare him to M, saying that at least M knew how to have fun. They visited a marriage counselor who advised that maybe they should not be so close, that maybe they should be a little more independent. B tried this but K reminded him that her relationship with M happened because he was "too independent". She convinced B that it was his problem, that he was obsessed with M. B saw three different psychologists looking for a problem that didn't exist. Each one told him the same thing - In the same situation, any man would be threatened and most would simply be gone. K refused to accept this even though so many people, including most of her own family, did not agree with her. In her opinion, B was demanding that she give up a friend. B knew in his heart that he had never demanded that she end a friendship, he had never had a problem with any of her friends and was not at all uncomfortable with her having male friends. She had many other friends, both male and female, but those people respected her marriage and did not hurt her husband. He felt that this was completely different. This was a man who had insulted and hurt her husband, who had tried to tear her children’s mother away from them and who she, by her own admission, still loved. B simply wanted for her to remove him from her life long enough for B and K to regain what they had lost.

Finally on a Saturday afternoon after another Friday night gambling when B was told that he was no fun, B was quiet and withdrawn. K's sister had been hospitalized (nothing serious) and B drove K over to drop her at the hospital for a visit. B was not himself during this drive, he didn't take K's hand and he didn't say "I Love You" when she got out of the truck. He was not angry or mean in any way. He was polite but a little distant. That night when K came home the children were in bed and the final battle was fought. K spent two hours ripping B to pieces. They had fought in the past in front of the children, but had sworn they would never do it again and that night B kept his word. He sat in the family room of their home while K let him have it. She blamed him for all that had happened, even the day she had kissed M and told him of her love. She said that B had put her in that position and it was an emotional moment and anyone would do the same. She screamed and swore at him and told him he was a psycho - that he needed professional help and any problems in their marriage were his fault. B begged her to stop but she would not until she was finished. Then she went to bed and left a broken man sitting alone in the dark. B left the house that night and drove around while she slept. He wondered what had happened to their happiness and tried to see how he could be at fault for everything. He knew that he was not blameless, that was not always the perfect man, but he could not see how it was his entire fault. He found himself on a hilltop alone with his thoughts. One of the psychologists he had seen had said something that he had rejected completely at the time, but he could see now was the truth - that he was a victim of abuse, emotional and verbal abuse. Here he was a strong man, afraid of nobody, who could be reduced to this by the woman he loved without her having to raise her hand. It was the saddest moment of his life.

That morning as the sun came up, B got out of his truck and watched the sunrise. It was bitterly cold and his tears froze to his cheeks as the day broke. At that moment, something inside B died. The spark he felt for his wife, the feeling of deep love, whatever you want to call it, it died and he realized it was over. He knew that he would always love the mother of his children, but he could not be in love the woman his wife had become. He would always miss the wonderful person she had been, but could not remain married to the person she had become. He knew that he had made some bad decisions through all the problems but he also knew he couldn't fix it alone. He told K later that morning that they needed some time apart and an argument again began which ended with her leaving. She stayed at her sister's house until the next day when B had moved out.

They tried once more after that, and again K resolved to end the relationship with M. B came home and the family was back together but it lasted only two weeks until it became clear that nothing had changed. B could not take another round and, after being told once more the whole problem was his, he simply wrote her a goodbye letter and walked out. After that B lived on his own while K continued to live in the house they owned. B continued to provide for his family and K had been scheduled to leave the house many times but each time, something would prevent the move. K asked B to try once more but he realized that his heart was not in it and he refused. K then moved out of the house and got her own place. B decided to move on with his life. He would always be the best Dad he could be, but he needed to explore what life had to offer. He began to find happiness in things again and knew that someday he would love again. He began to see things differently and embraced all the happiness he could find. Life has so much joy to give, he wants to feel that joy each and every time he can. One chapter has closed but another has just begun.

And that is B’s Story………

What an amazing story of courage. I hope that I will find peace in my heart as well - whatever the outcome.

MoandMU,

What a story. I am glad you posted it and I suspect it will help many here. A few questions please. Did K live happily ever after with M? Did you finish the divorce and have you begun to live life again?

How have your children fared in all of this mess?

Got to hear the up date to such a sad story.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

From this story and Moving's other thread, it doesn't sound like his stbxw's life is all peachy by any means.

I don't know why, but this reminds me of a girl I knew when I was in high school.

I was working at a tropical fish store for a buck seventy five an hour, if I remember correctly. The owner was 10 years older than I, and M'd at the time. This was his "new" store. It was just a city block from a high school (not the one I attended) and he would stand at the front window every afternoon and check out the babes coming home from school. I had been a customer at the old store, which his W now managed. Several months after I started working there, he hired this gal my age to help out. She was very pretty and very sweet. I enjoyed working with her and talking with her, but I was pretty timid in those days and we were never more than work associates. About 6 months after she started there, she and the owner started having an A, though I didn't realize it until he and his W announced they were DVing. I just noticed that she started smoking (he smoked), using vulgar language that she never did before (he was pretty vulgar, but generally a "nice guy"), and her appearance started 2 deteriorate. Like dulling the chrome on a '57 Chevy Nomad's grille - not quite enough 2 make the car worthless, but clearly taking away the sparkle.

Not long after I quit the job, they got M'd. I saw her a 2ple of times after that. She wasn't nearly as pretty, didn't dress as sharply, smoked like a fish... ...I mean, a chimney, and had a mouth that could make a sailor blush.

I haven't seen them in over 30 years. I hope they're doing okay. I thought she had promise. He had little integrity 2 lose, so I don't worry about him 2 much. I doubt he's changed much.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

2L,

Yes, I just saw his other post and replied there.

Buck 75 ??? How did you get a job that paid that good? Oh! yeah I remember, you are ALOT younger than I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chevy Nomad! Man I haven't thought about one of those in a long time.

JL

Just a bump for ihatemylife......

MOMU:

Bumping for an update?

How are you doing?

regards,
-ol' 2long

Bumping on the off chance that MOMU lurks here from time 2 time.

-ol 2long