Want to share painful story of betrayal.
I worked hard to invite/host/support husbands distant cousin from Europe. Worked hard with INS, Got her into a good college, paid for college, in exchange she helped with kids. 3 years later I came home from business trip to find them laying on the couch together in a spooning position.
DD- September 11, 2003. My entire world fell apart. They left together that weekend so he could "think" about things. Said he hadn't been happy for a long time (to my surprise) I knew something was wrong, but did not really suspect that they went to that level. I just thought their friendship was causing problems within our marriage.

The following Monday my husband suggested that she go home. I made all arrangements and paid for her return trip. I talked to her and asked her how she could do that when I did so many things for her. Gave her opportunity she never would have had if she would have stayed at home.

My kids understood what was happening. My daughter (10 yrs) understood.

After she went home, he continued to talk to her using calling cards. I caught him 1st time and confronted him. He said he would stop. Caught him again with another card on 10/03. This is when it got very ugly. He had been talking to her daily - up to 115 minutes a call!

I ended up telling his family - thinking that they would help me hold him accountable for his actions. This did not work as planned. Some of them did not believe me - cannot accept it as true.

I filed for divorce on October 10th. - then regretted what I did. Felt I needed more time to know what I wanted.

We have since spoken about reconciling several times. We have lived apart and together during this. He is now at home and we continue to talk and care for one another. He stated he has not spoken to her since 10/08. Started counseling & Had 1st date yesterday - It was lovely (with the exception of the triggers and obsessing)

I want to reconcile v. badly. I want him back in my life, I want to make our marriage stronger and better. I think he wants the same thing. He does not want what we had (with the exception of the good things) but I am really struggling with obsessing over the details of their affair. It happened in my house with my kids there - and possibly when I was home. There seem to be loaded triggers all over my house and I am having such a hard time not picturing them together. She is 21 years old and very slender - her personaility is the EXACT opposite of mine. It is hard to get past this.

As we work on our relationship daily, I find myself looking at him and wondering what types of intimate moments does she share that I also share. What did he think of her body and what did she think of his? ETC... ETC... ETC...

Does this go away? Is it healthy to share it with him? Will it just make him think of her and his thoughts and feelings he had for her? Will this subside? I am taking Wellbutron for the panic/anxiety but these moments continue to happen.

Can anyone help? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It's great that you are in counseling with your H. I think that you should be able to ask your H any questions you want as long as you are careful and not threatening when you do it. How much you want to know and how many details varies a lot between people. Some want to know EVERYTHING and others as little as possible. Neither is wrong if it helps you heal.

The triggers are really hard to live with aren't they? You have a lot to deal with because it all happened in your own home. My D-day was last December and I still have bad moments everyday. But I can't even describe to you in words how much BETTER it is now than it was even a few months ago. Time is the best healer and hopefully your H is doing his part by making you feel safe and loved. Good Luck to you!

Not that I'm through this, but I think the fewer details you have, the better. Obviously, you can't get rid of the ones you already have. One book I read listed ways to handle the scenes when they come up: snap a rubber band on your wrist, imagine a big stop sign, tell yourself "STOP", etc. My faith-based counselor said to let the memories come, acknowledge that they hurt, then give them to God instead of trying to squelch them (I tried to squelch them before). I'm not sure which way is best - my gut tells me it's something in between. I'm trying to STOP the images, but let some of the ooze from the wound come out so that I can try to wipe it away.

Hope that helps. I'm there with ya.

Thank you for replying - both of you..
I recently read (after posting 1st) about the stop sign - but never thought about it in a Christian way. Throughout this entire process, God has been with me, whenever I have been feeling sad or hysterical, I have put on praise music to try and lift me. HE loves us and is our husband and would never betray us. I know that God doesn't want pain in my heart, I also know and should have put it together that I can lie these burdens down too.

In reading this web site (all day - in leiu of working) I am torn between knowing and having Total Honesty - I forgot what people are calling it on the web site - but when all honesty is out then there is nothing more to hide. I believe that, yet at the same time, I do not want to create more images for myself.

The last few days have been fairly good, yet I find myself looking at him and thinking "was this how is was with her?" "Did she notice that he has this or that on his body?"

Sometimes I replay the 9-11-03 scene over and over and over in my head - thinking of different outcomes each time. Watched the movie "Unfaithful" last week and completely understand why Richard Gere's character did what he did. Although in NO WAY am I implying it - I just sometimes very much hate her - and find it SO hard to understand how she could live in my house in the bedroom downstairs from mine? What kind of person does that? It is not as if we stopped being intimate, although I did notice he wasn't all there. Then I think too... How could he live with himself? No wonder he was so "unhappy" I would be unhappy too - unhappy with myself.

It is all so fresh and I am just praying that time will heal FAST! I wish I could fast forward to next year and be further away from this.

Thanks for your comments - I will remember to "Lay My Burdens Down".

GoodWife, sorry are here! But you are in the right place. It will take lots of work and time to get over this. You will have to obsess for some time. You have just been through a trauma as great as the death of a child, so you aren't going to get over this quick.

I would suggest first you run out and get the book Surviving An Affair and read it as quickly as possible. It will explain what you are dealing with here and how best to handle this. Here is a good start for you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

One of the things you will need to recover is assurance from your H that he has ended all contact with the OW. The best way to do this, and start to restore trust, is to send her what is called a "no contact" letter asking her never to contact him again and explaining that the affair was a horrible mistake and he loves his wife. You need to see this letter before he sends it.

The obsessing does end, but it takes a while. Click on the link in my signature line for help getting there.