Dear Forever;
Hang in there! My H left because he was in "Luuuuuvvvvv" Hated me, never wanted to see me again, wanted a life w/ OW....blah, blah, blah.

I knew of the A months before he moved, but I didn't have MB or anyone else to guide me through it. So I made ALL the worst mistakes a person can make. I called him, I watched him, I had him watched. I accused him of everything under the sun. (Well, it was true, but I didn't need to go there)

One Sun. H asked for and had the kids. I picked them up that evening from his little luv nest. I went back an hour later to pick up YD shoes.(she had others, I just wanted those) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> OW was there. She hid from me in the bathroom. She heard everything H was saying. H was horrible to me and I to him. I was out of control. OW brought take out pizza and I threw it across the room. Pizza everywhere! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I then went after her.....No I didn't hit her.(I'm 5'4' about 115lbs wet..she is 5'9' about 200lbs dry and 8years older) Told her everything I ever thought of saying. H called the police. OW left before they arrive(for fear of her own H finding out about this and use it against her, (her H was working off shore 7&7, so unless she left the report would name her.) Police arrive, an old family friend of mine.(I was humiliated) I was now composed and said that I would leave peacefully. Police came to my home shortly after I put my children to bed. They told me H didn't want to press charges, but if they were called out to another domestic disturbance they would arrest me. H filed for restraining order...what a joke...the law didn't protect me from H coming into our home, because he was part owner, but I couldn't get near him.

A few weeks later I took kids camping with a friend and her children. We all needed a break. H wanted to see the kids for the afternoon and I said yes. It had been at least 3 weeks since their last visit. H didn't leave w/ kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I didn't know what to do. He brought a small grill to b-b-q for all of us. Talk about mixed signals. I went for a walk w/ my friend and newly made friends at the camp ground. I had a very stiff drink. H walked over and asked what I thought I was doing. I replied non of his business and he loudly expressed his opinion of my mothering ability <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . Words were exchanged-nothing I can write here. H threatened to take the children w/ him (H forgot I was watching him drink beer for the last 2 to 3 hrs) All said and done, I was told that I would have to leave the camp ground. My old and new friends came to my rescue. H left me feeling weak, humiliated, completely disrespected, angry, histerical, and physically brused. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> His hands left perfect marks on my arms. The gravel was embedded in my hip and leg.

I filed for divorce. Can you beleive H didn't believe I would do that. He said, I musts just want money and to hurt him. The court gave me custody and a restraining order. Aug. '98 He would have to pick kids up at another location. OW could NOT be part of visitation, both private and public until the court decided the time period was appropriate. (The judge is a sly one)

Time went by and I moved out of our home and away from our home town. H said I did it to hurt him. I did it for my sanity. I made ME better. Then I began reading and listening to the people whose lives were changed by MB, Dr. James Dobson, Dear Peggy, etc.

H, saw a difference in me. I never had plan A, and had already instituted B in a blundering sort of way. H wanted to talk, to see me and the kids. He's a cake eater.

I made mountains of mistakes. Then I read LMBT by Dobson, and SA and moved into recovery. By then I knew I could do it w/ or w/o H. In Sept. of '99 H moved home. Out of the fog and into a bumpy recovery. We still have our share of rocks to turn and break but we are better for the He** we went through.

I love my H and I know he loves me. We are building a strong marriage.

There is hope, but you must be willing to follow the guidlines. The rules are not fair, but in the end you will be stronger.

Sorry it's so long.

God Bless
juju

Juju,

Thanks for your story. It was hard to read and kept me on the edge of my seat. I am glad you are in a better place with your H.

FF,
The one thing everyone told me at the beginning was to work on myself. Strengthen my support group and protect my finances. Well I didn't listen real well but I also didn't forget. Their words rang in my ears no matter how hard I tried to forget. I kept posting here and eventually I learned to listen and apply. It took a while (I am stubborn) but all the reading and posting has paid off.

You all may think I am always sooo helpful. In reality my posting was for my benefit as much as for others. Maybe more so. You see I had to type and read my words, it planted it more into my mind so that I could not forget what I was telling others to do is what I should do myself. I hated being a hypocrite so I kept trying.

That is what you need to do. Keep trying. As Juju said, it is not easy but as you will see, it is worth the effort.

As for telling him before or after the holiday, it is up to what you are comfortable with. He needs to see he can be a father. Then maybe he can see he can be a husband. He needs to see it. You need to watch.

Hugz,
L.

JuJu,

Oh, thank you so so much for your story. Until reading a story that resembled my LB mistake, I did not know if my M is survivable with all of the LB's I've made. It sounds as if with the pizza deal and the domestic situation and the campground deal that even yours was more scary and hopelessly tragic than mine. It truly gives me great hope and inspiration to keep trying.

I did speak with my WH yesterday regarding a kid issue, very calmly I might add and he thanked me for asking the ? I did re: kids. He also asked a favor of me re: switching an arrangement, and I agreed to it, wholeheartedly, and said not a problem. I did keep the conversation short and said I'll talk to you later. I don't want to try and carry on lengthy ones at first, just give him tidbits of the more newly calm me.

I have been working on me. As Orchid said, your story kept me on the edge, wondering how recovery of your M could be possible after you treating OW like you did. You mentioned when you arrived, the OW hid in bathroom. That's interesting cuz whenever I drop/pu my kids at the love nest, the OW and her kid are nowhere to be seen by me, somewhere in the house. I haven't figured out whose idea that is, hers or WH's, maybe out of fear/protection of OW from me since my arrest deal. I just totally expected the very first time and every time thereafter when I would make the exchange that OW and WH would be hand in hand or arm/arm to flaunt their "so-called" happy life together at me.

Your story is not too long, don't worry about it. The more I read the better I feel. So, since you made the same mistakes I have so far and you are recovering, please keep posting for me and encouraging me, cuz the Lord knows I need it and welcome it. I pray daily, sometimes even cry out to God begging for his help, mercy and conviction upon WH and OW and most of all for the ultimate restoration of our marriage (including as Pepperband said, our mutual respect for eachother as well as our love restored).


Orchid,

What you said about WH needing to realize he can be a father first, then husband (if I got you right) is very good point. I am anxious to see/hear how the holiday goes after having the kids for 5 days/4 nights instead of just a weekend.

I agree with you as for JuJu's story, edge seater. I can't believe their in recovery. It's great how forgiveness and compassion can lead a person, and I know I have it in my heart to forgive and move toward a better, stronger, more healthy marriage with WH. Thank you for replying and please keep doing so. How is your situation doing? I don't recall seeing an update on yours when I read the past 2 months threads I missed. I hope well.

Thanks again to both of you. You are truly inspirational. I will keep you posted.

FF

FYI .... I socked my WH on the jaw one night.

I have no memory of this whatsoever .... this was the same night I attacked the Christmas tree and "took it down" in 15 seconds.

Next month will be 8 years since this eventful night.

Just wanted YOU to realize, I am NO angel .... and I am NO better than you .... just further along the road, that's ALL.

We are happily married. Our Christmases are better than ever.

We appreciate each other more than ever.

Be good.

Love,

Pep

JuJu,

Forgot to ask, what is the title of the book, LMBT by James Dobson? I may want to get it.

FF

O,
Sorry for the confusing post. I was fatigued but thought it was important to post a reply.

FF,
No one told me to stay and fight for my marriage. The adivice I received was to D and move on with my life. I didn't have MB.
I think MB would have given me the tools and support I needed. As Orchid wrote reading and posting reinforces the concepts and allows you to think things through. Some of the most wonderful advice comes from those who have tried, failed, and tried again and again and again. Those people are the 'winners' in life. That is where I want to be.

The point of my post was to let you know I've made some REALLY BIG mistakes. You will too. Forgive yourself and your H. Read, respond and grow in faith, strength and wisdom. MB is one of the best places to start. Apply the concepts with foreverfaithful flair. And no matter what happens you know you will be a better person.

As a BS,I went through all the stages. The biggest mistake I made was to focus on the A and the OW. At first I did everything in my power to control and sabitage the relationship. This behavior only pushed them together and made me out to be a stark raving mad *itch. I, for the first time in my life, was solely responsible for my 4 small children and this infuriated me. Anger then consumed me.

By then we had been seperated for about 4 months. When the anger finally gave way, and I was focused in creating an independent life for myself and my children. I didn't want H to have anything to do w/ children or me. My brother said I was selfish and I have no right to keep the children from their father. He also said that I needed the free time to recover from my single parent lifestyle. He was right, I needed the rest. I would sleep when the kids were w/ H. I was comfortable knowing the court ordered H to have NO contact w/ OW while children were visiting. This helped my sanity but allowed the A to continue by excluding the 4 children. H had kids every other weekend and every Wed. night. OW's children were grown and she didn't want my children. I didn't know this at the time.

The 1st week of Dec. H took the OW to a work Christmas party out of town. They had to stay in a hotel. I was upset but I didn't let him know my feelings. My children show livestock and we were at a livestock show near our hometown. Before he left for the party he kept coming over to me, almost provoking me. I thought it was strange but couldn't put my finger on it. I did not LB. The kids knew dad was leaving them on their weekend to go out of town w/ OW. They didn't want him to leave them during this show. I made sure I didn't take responsibility or attention away from my H. He had to deal w/ the children.

I was handling everything by then. Our home was rented out and I took care of it. Kids, school, work, livestock, home life and my financial future was taken care of by me. I didn't ask for assistance. H knew I was independent and strong enough to survive alone. I planned a short vacation for the children and I between Christmas and New Year. H knew I would be traveling alone w/ children. The week before Chirstmas he asked to talk to me when he brought the children home on a Wed. evening visit. We put the kids to bed(I never allowed him go past the front door) and we began to talk. He asked me if I would 'date him' again. He would take care of the A. I said yes immediately. Remember I didn't have MB to help w/ my recovery and I LB at every turn. H stayed in and out of A for another 6 months. I FOUND MB and gained support, strength and some wisdom.

FF you have a fabulous tool here. Use it to make your M and life better.
Take one day at a time and read to improve yourself.
Focus on your children and home.
Allow your H to be the father. As O said he my see how much he wants to be a H. This means letting him take responsibility for the children.
Set basic ground rules for visitation pickup and drop off and give very little detail about yourself to H. Go Dark.
Will check in w/ you from time to time.
God Bless

Pepperband,

Thanks, I would never have guessed it. It truly brings hope to my innerbeing. I will work on me and control the LB's meaning none.

I will keep you posted.

FF


JuJu,

Thanks again. My kid exchanges are the same exact schedule as yours were. Wed, and EOWE.

I'm getting the same advice also from family and friends w/exception of a few. most say go through w/divorce and move on, you're only prolonging the pain and misery. I guess time will only tell. Hopefully w/in the next few weeks to months (hopefully not that long) I will begin to see the subtle hints that WH is not as happy as he thought he would be w/OW. I just hope he has the courage to approach me and confide in me eventually, and not let his HUGE pride get in the way.

I will keep you informed of my progress. Thanks again.

FF

FF.
The name of the book is "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It was a catapult for me to understand what it was that I had done. Until then I blamed my H for everything. The analysis is comprehensive and will assist even the most desperate situation.

Yes, my M was OVER after 18 years and 4 children. I lost my best friend. However, after reading the book I realized I wasn't doing anything to put my M back together. I was pushing H away and into OW's arms. I needed to let him see the jewel I was as the excitement of the A began to loss it's appeal. And it did. I stopped attaching the OW and would just bite my lip. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

By the way, my H opened a seperate checking account, signed a lease for his luv nest and had all our financial papers copied more than a month before he moved out. All on the advice of the OW, who by the way was still M. When I found out about the new checking account, we were on our way to the High School Rodeo finals, where OW's daughter was competing. I LB daily, no wonder he moved out.

To tell you the truth I needed someone to tell me I was NOT CRAZY! So here it is FF....YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! You may have done some things that appear on the surface to be out of control, but underneath flows the hard rock foundation for building a sound future for yourself, family and even your M. (Remember as long as you don't end up on a talk show as a trashy guest you're normal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Take care of yourself and as my counselor suggested to me, let God be God. He will hear your prayers and answer them in His time. Be careful you may get what you're asking for. I did and am happier than I've ever been.

When H and I started talking TO each other MB and "SAA" and helped us.

Today, we talk about everything and sometimes laugh about it all. We, H and I want to help. I never dreamed that our M would be good again and certainly never thought it would be better than it was before.

Remember to take baby steps. It took a long time for your M to come to this and it will take time to restore. You will be faced w/ hard times, just hang in there.

God Bless

JuJu,

Again, thank you for the encouragement. And for affirming that I'm not crazy for still wanting reconciliation. I do know that I am/was partly responsible for us getting to this point, and I think, once I find a new and different M counselor or IC for me, I can begin to work on changing some of my not so attractive qualities. For example my impatientness, anger and resentment towards people whom I am not happy with.

I am halfway done with an anger management class I voluntarily enrolled myself in after the BIG LB. It has helped a great deal, but only since the last session.

I am so happy for you and your H for being able to restore the M. My H is the only man I have ever known in an intimate way so it is difficult for me to even think of myself with anyone else. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing, but upon my request in 07/03, my H read SAA and also recommended it to OW who also read it. So do you think it will benefit them to already being aware of the feelings of fog, fantasy world, devastation, and statistics of affairs? I hope so.

Talk to you soon.

FF

bump