My wife (of 15 yrs., 2 children) left a year ago for a trial separation. She said she was miserable living with me, "dying inside daily". We fought weekly so I knew something had to change. Thankfully, the children weren't very aware of our battles. The flipside of this was her leaving hit them like a ton of bricks - major surprise & confusion.

I suggested we get counselling, not separation. She wouldn't. She insisted separation was the only way, took 1/2 the stuff & left. Since she left I've had 14 sessions with two good counselors & am at peace with who I am.
I invited her to both counselors and she refused -said I have the problems, not her.

I'm prepared to reconcile and want to but also am being prepared emotionally for divorce if she chooses (I am 100% against divorce).

In the separation we have become farther apart than ever. We never talk (except a few scant emails to confirm details of picking up the children). I've reached out with cards, messages, phone calls, etc. to say 'I'm still loving you & am open to you & to working through our problems - please respond and tell me where you are at'
She hasn't responded once, which IS a clear response to me. So I stopped trying recently.

She has developed close friendships with men in the separation phase which makes our reconciliation seem impossible / improbable.

It makes me wonder if trial separations are bogus - just a nice excuse for someone to get out of their vows and live like they want?
Or are they ever good - they lead to renewed people and marriages?

mike729@rogers.com

Seperations are usually not good. Spouses usually initiate seperations so they can carry on affairs unimpeded. Is she having an affair?

I agree with you melodylane.
That is my sense of them in general and mine in particular - separation usually is for negative purposes.
I wonder what the stats are for recovery from separation? Any one know?

I don't know if I'm dealing with full adultery.
Before she left I saw 7 of the 10 telltale signs.
I confronted her twice & she denied it twice.
I investigated & found her parking/talking at a restaurant with a coworker twice when she told me she was at work.
Since she left my children speak of several men (plural) visiting her, taking them places, etc.

Plus, her not wanting any counseling or taking any responsibility for the mess makes me think divorce is her goal.
Best wishes.

Mike, that is not good for your children to be exposed to that. Does she have custody?

Secondly, have you been doing a Plan A? Have you stopped fighting with her?

wow, fast reply
thanks.

I have stopped fighting. Plan A is underway from my side. I received a death threat from her a while ago & did take out a peace bond. This made her furious but the police, counselors, and a lawyer advised me to do things right and legally.

I asked her a few times to not involve our kids in her relationships because it is morally confusing to them.
She said 'too bad, you can't control me anymore'
They are old enough to state their wishes to her and they have.
When they get angry at her ('mom, we've had enough'!) she changes for a while and they have a measure of peace & stability.

We have shared custody - 60% me, 40% her.

It's not pretty, but I still have hope in God who does the impossible.
Bless you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I received a death threat from her a while ago & did take out a peace bond. This made her furious but the police, counselors, and a lawyer advised me to do things right and legally."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did well, for if your marriage does end, this could help gain custody of your kids.

Since you are already separated and she shows no signs of wanting to reconcile, you may want to consider going to Plan B.

I agree
- thanks