Found out a month ago that W was having an EA. Confronted her and continued to go to counseling. Both of us seemingly committed to rebuilding. I read and learn from many sources and have made many changes and she "thinks about it a lot." Although she has been slow to come around, the signs have been good for progress.

Recently, I discovered that one of the methods W used to communicate with OM was through the use of prepaid calling cards - no numbers are recorded. Except on the cell bill. Lots of calls to 800 #ers. I assume this was for both of their protection as he is married also, has had at least one other affair in the past and his wife is always on the alert.

Although I know she hasn't seen him - we live 200 miles away - I've noticed that the use of the calling cards has subsided dramatically, yet still continued. Maybe a couple times per week for fairly short durations (5-15 minutes) but still happening.

My problems: 1. We haven't discussed the calling card discovery at all - I discovered it only a few days ago and retraced all activity over the past 6 months. 2. I can't prove she is using the cards to actually call him - she has her own cell phone and uses both it and the home phone extensively for a wide variety of contacts - but I can't think of any other reason for having them.

Do I continue to monitor until I have solid evidence and then confront? Or do I question her now and possibly destroy the work done up til now? By doing so, I will also disclose and ultimately lose access to the tool (online and up-to-date cell phone activity log) I have to monitor her.

I love her and want to make things work. But I also don't want to be lied to and taken advantage of. Timing is difficult as the emotional house of cards that exists right now is very fragile.

I hate living this way as detective work is too consuming and unnatural. I'd much rather be focusing on the postive aspects of rebuilding our relationship.

Please share your opinions.

Comanche

I would present it as you finding out that 'someone' may have been trying to use your names to get 'calling cards'. Ask her if she knows about this.

RE: you ask in a non-offensive manner (not direct attack) you are able to let her know you found out without saying how much you know or suspect and give her the opportunity to come clean.

In my case I questioned my H about some info coming across on our computer when I knew full well it was related to the A. It caused a ricohet on the A and made them go crazy wondering what I was finding. LOL!!! I played my hand close to my heart and let them live in turmoil for a while. Why not? That was their MO (method of operation) during the A and gave them a dose of their own medicine. Harsh? Yes. The right thing for me to do? In my case yes. However you need to use this wisely.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

L.

Orchid - thanks for the response and the idea of presenting it in such a way where it would allow her to come clean without disclosing my sources. Unfortunately, the cards that are being used are the pre-paid type anybody can get anonymously at the supermarket or the convenience store, not the kind that are tied directly to a phone account.

I found her current card and PIN and can monitor it's use both through her cell phone and by calling the service and checking to see how many minutes are left on the card. This is helpful when she uses the home phone, which leaves no record for toll free usage.

Uggh, this sucks.

Thanks again.

Comanche

Yes I know the feeling. Again I would present it in as a vague thought. Seems harder when it is a diliberate attempt vs natural like (say, do you know where the remote is?) LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe say that some funky 800 phone calls are coming to house or sales person is calling..... u know make her wonder if it is anything tied to the calling card. I am not familar how they fully operate. Those calling cards are another tool that the A and their co-horts use to further their misconduct.

L.