H and I are doing ok for now. Things have settled down a bit.

For those that are not aware of the latest, I heard that he may still be seeing OW. I have no proof, and there really has been no time. He's either with me or at work with his brother, who can't stand OW. So I don't think it's really true.

But it did stir up alot of old and very ugly memories. Needless to say it was not too pleasant around here for a couple of days.

Well that was week before last. Last Friday he bought us a new car, actually a Jeep. It's so nice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

H is beginning to "express" his feelings about things. And we are finding out what a lousy communicator he is. He gets aggravated if my feelings get hurt, he talks over me, and even raises his voice or yells. He is very negative about EVERYTHING. EX: I said "Did you notice how clean the new car has been, not a piece of paper any where?" His response, "We'll see how it looks in a couple of weeks." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I was so mad at him. What a jerk. Then we are talking about some income tax money that is coming in and I said to him, "When you say it (your plan) to me like that it makes me feel that you have already made the decision. I feel left out" He got so mad (later I found out it was because he really tried to put it as nice as he could, and stil it wasn't right) I said if you would include me in the planning of things I would feel so much better.

He says "You shouldn't be hurt over it, it wasn't a big deal" I said "Are you telling me my feelings are wrong?" He said "Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you."

Well we kept at it until we worked it out. It was awful though. But the ending turned out good.

Now here is the problem:

We are supposed to get back a large sum of money from the IRS. He has to give $2000 of it to a lawyer to try to get his job back, because he got caught with whore on the job.

I'm pissed about that as it is. My kids need things and he threw that away for that witch.

Sorry, I got side tracked...hehe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyway, We will have about $3,000 to spend on whatever. The problem is that he will want to spend it on bills and I will want to spend it on the kids and the house that he totally neglects and is in bad need of repairs.

I can see where he is right, we're getting further behind on the bills, but his kids need clothes badly. All of us do. And Christmas is coming on top of it.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can go about negotiating this? His "things" are very important to him, and mine are equally as important. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let him pay bills and forget Christmas?

Any opinions, ideas, etc. would be appreciated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Margue,

I would vote to pay the bills. I suspect it will relieve a lot of pressure from you and your H. About Chrismas, let me suggest that instead of trying to show them how much you love them by spending money on them you don't have, that you AND your H reflect on the true meaning of the holiday, and love them with your presence (his and yours)not your presents, by honoring the reason for the holiday.

Trust me on one thing. I have an excellent memory. I remember things of my childhood that surprise my remaining parent ,81. But, when I think about Christmas with my family as a child, I do remember the presents, but what I remember most is the feelings, the smell, yes, my mothers cookies, and that fact that we were all together and smiling and laughing, singing.

I believe you short change your children if you believe that LOTS of presents will make their Christmas great. You and your H could and can do a lot to make it a memorably one, but simply loving one another and enjoying each others company. Perhaps one or two gifts that the children really want.

But if you have financial difficulties, a real gift would be for you two to pay the bills and spend the remaining part of this year and next NOT argueing about money. Your children will sense and appreaciate the peace it brings, even if they don't understand about the decision to pay the bills.

Something for you to think about.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

paying the bills is very important.....wont have a house or car or electric without it. having your kids needs met is also important though.

how old are kids??? can you possibly get stuff from a re-sale shop? we have some pretty amazing ones around here.

i think you should both sit and write down your top needs (or bills) and list them in order of your percieved priority. maybe take the top two or three from each.

hope this helps

wow I didn't think any one answered this... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry JL, and nikko!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> let me suggest that instead of trying to show them how much you love them by spending money on them you don't have, that you AND your H reflect on the true meaning of the holiday, and love them with your presence (his and yours)not your presents, by honoring the reason for the holiday </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't make too big of a deal of Christmas. We usually end up getting the boys a new suit for Christmas and a new game for their xbox. That's it.

The litte guy gets more because he's cheap! He ususally wants toys and such that aren't really expensive.

We do the family thing at Christmas, ALWAYS.


On one Christmas that he had to work, we opened presents the night before....we always have a great time at Christmas.

We open our presents on Christmas Eve. We usually have dinner together, and maybe go to church. Then we pray and thank the Lord for his blessings this year. Then we open presents.

We usually end the evening by either going to a carnival and light show near here or we go look at lights. If it's cold enough when we get home we make hot chocolate and cinnamon toast.

We always have such a great time.

I wish we could get away this year though. Go somewhere over on the east coast. It would be so much fun to get away. Build new memories. I hate the thought of it this year.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do remember the presents, but what I remember most is the feelings, the smell, yes, my mothers cookies, and that fact that we were all together and smiling and laughing, singing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep that's us.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think that paying the bills is important too, but I think he neglects their needs so much that I resent having this large a sum of money and he isn't even thinking about spending it on his kids, or his home. What difference does it make if we own a home when it's literally falling apart around us?

I guess I'm just feeling resentful of the fact that $2,000 of that money has to go for something that concerns her again. What a pain in the butt...

Once again, his dirty little whore has taken something from my family... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

nikko

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> paying the bills is very important.....wont have a house or car or electric without it. having your kids needs met is also important though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and there in lies the problem. How do you decide which is a priority. Right now the bills are reasonablly caught up. But I know that he is not happy that he paid the mortgage by letting the check bounce and letting the over draft credit card pick it up. That's what he means by we are behind.

Everything is paid, but not how he'd like it to be paid, on time and with cash. I can understand that. But it just doesn't seem fair to make the kids do without because he couldn't keep his "thing" in his pants and lost his job.

I resent that....very much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how old are kids??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">6, 16, 17

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can you possibly get stuff from a re-sale shop? we have some pretty amazing ones around here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm looking into it. Some one said check ebay for suits. I'm not real sure how to do it but I'll look around and try.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i think you should both sit and write down your top needs (or bills) and list them in order of your percieved priority. maybe take the top two or three from each. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm hoping that's what will happen.

He never includes me in his money spending decisions. He usually informs me afterwards what he is going to do.

Or tells me what he wants to do in a way that, if I disagree, then I must be a total moron that never sees the needs of this family or has any financial sense what so ever because he always thinks of what's the best for our family.

Margue,

This isn't really about the kids is it?? It really is about your resentment for his A AND his spending habits. So instead of talking about Christmas and whether or not the mortgage should be paid timely, let's discuss your anger at your H.

Do you think that would be more straightforward??

I do have a question for you. How long is his sentence going to be? What can he do to make you happy? He is working huge hours to make up for the lost income. He is trying to be a better H. He is trying to love you.

When do you think he will come up for parole? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You need to think about that. Got a parole date in mind? You should have, or at least a date where you reevaluate whether you want to be in the marriage or not. Then do it, but if he is doing well, you might want to consider time off for good behavior.

How he is spending or proposing to spend it IS protecting your and your children. You will be happier and less resentful if you are not struggling with bills and so will he.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

As usual, you hit it right on the head, or should I say me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm sitting here crying reading your post...

Yes, I'm still very angry at him. It comes and goes. I think it's because new things keep popping up and it makes me totally pissed off all over again.

The total, utter thoughtlessness of what he's done is just so hard to get over...I can't seem to be able to let it go and trust him again.

He decieved me so completely and totally before that I have such a hard time believeing him now.

I want to forgive him and go on, but how do you just forget all the things that he's done? How do you just pick up the pieces and say "oh well, that was then..."?

He hurt me....more deeply then any other person in my life. And that's pretty bad considering what the rest have done.

I'm just tired of being a doormat for eveyone to treat any old way and it's ok. I always have to be the one to take the high road, be the better person..it just gets old after awhile.

It's been 10 months since LAST DDay, and I'm a lot better then I was, until some new thing pops up and WHAM, I'm right back to being angry again.
(like a friend of mine saying she thinks it's still going on.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> which I don't think I believe that because he's hardly ever alone, and that whore is getting married this weekend so I don't think even she's that low)

It's just been so many years of his neglect of our relationship, the emotional part, that now I have no patience for anything anymore.

And I know that alot of it was the fact that we didn't have the tools to communicate better.

But, JL, you can't even imagine how many times I've begged this man to please read the HN/HN book, and about a zillion others..he can't be bothered. But honey, let it be about sound systems, or cop stuff, or any other "interest" he may have at the moment and he's all over it.

I just get tired of feeling like second priority in his life.

And the weird thing is that lately he's been doing so well. He's been way more affectionate. He's been talking more, I've been more accepting of what he gives and not expecting more then he is able to give.

Things have been good.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

So how do you defuse the anger? How do you just "go on"?

This month is hard because it's the month it all started 3 years ago, and he started screwing her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The past 4 of my anniversaries, my birthday, and Christmas he's been with someone else and declared his undying love and faithfulness to me....

I'm not looking forward to the holidays at all this year.....I'm majorly depressed over it.

JL, tell me what to do....I don't even trust my own feelings any more. I used to be able to communicate well, and I was confident in my ability to do the right thing...I don't feel that way anymore.

I'm so confused most of the time...even the simplest thing becomes a major struggle...should I do it this way or that..will he like this or that. Should I touch him or am I touching him too much.

I just don't know what to do anymore....

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: margue ]</small>

I've been wearing underwear that has been well worn for two years. And now that I'm finally making enough money that there's a bit extra, guess what I'm doing? For my birthday this week, I'm paying off the furnace/air conditioning bill - I'd much prefer the freedom of not hassling with a predatory credit company than worrying about a few holes in my underwear. New bras? well - I've lived with the same ones for this long - I don't think a few more months of patience will hurt.

One thing you might POJA with your husband is a $30 budget for clothes - it's not much, but when you can take that to a January clearance, you can probably get 4 bras at that kind of a budget - and Payless has 1 pair, 2nd at half price; you could put shoes on three children for $30 - so if you take this little by little and work patiently together, by next summer, you may have lived frugally enough to handle the repairs on the house.

Debt is never ever a good thing for a marriage. It has caused as much damage in my home as my husband's addiction to porn, and his EA with a woman from his recovery meeting. Because it's still hanging on in our lives - we're still paying and will be paying until the day we die. I think your husband is wise in wanting to restore the financial part, as well as other parts of your relationship.

KaylaAndy

I know what you are saying Kayla and it makes sense in my head. But my heart just screams..ENOUGH..for once it's going to be about me and my kids...

If the freakin bills were such a priority, then why didn't he stop seeing that whore on his job? He lost a really good paying job because he couldn't stop seeing her..now we have to suffer for that decision again....over and over and over...

I'm just sick of it..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One thing you might POJA with your husband is a $30 budget for clothes - it's not much, but when you can take that to a January clearance, you can probably get 4 bras at that kind of a budget - and Payless has 1 pair, 2nd at half price; you could put shoes on three children for $30 - so if you take this little by little and work patiently together, by next summer, you may have lived frugally enough to handle the repairs on the house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He never sees the need..if I don't grab the money while it's here he will not EVER offer it again. I know...it's been that way for 18 years.

And I know that bills are a priority, but it's amazing how he can come up with the money to do what he wants to do (before he lost his job) but there's never enough money to do the things I'd like to do..you know the outrageous things like repairs around the house, clothes for the kids, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Debt is never ever a good thing for a marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know...and I feel so torn about this. So confused about it all.

On one hand I'm so sick of doing without, sacrificing, being the MOST frugal person you've ever met, and he goes and ruins it all because of that whore...now we have this extra money and so much of it has to go for something so stupid...


I know for years my "giver" has been in control and I resent that now...my "taker" is working overtime...

and I feel justified in it...and guilty at the same time...

What to do, what to do??????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: margue ]</small>

Marie, POJA means that decisions are made differently than they've ever been made before.

Does your husband understand how this is done? Is he truly committed to healing your marriage?

Because I get the feeling that you are reacting to the old husband - the one who walked out on you and hurt you so bad. I get the feeling you're not giving him the chance to show you that he cares about this marriage.

If he's truly remorseful about cheating, and he wants to build a new marriage with you, then he can't take things for granted.

Marie, you need to POJA the entire family monthly budget. It's hard work. You must step into the conflict and learn how to communicate with him without *assuming* you know what he will think and do. Give him a chance to show you that this is a brave new world. You're both going to bump and jostle against the old stuff. But please don't love-bust here and decide how he is before he has a chance to show you otherwise. That's a disrespectful judgment and will continue to give him reasons to want out of the marriage.

POJA a decision to pay off the debts with the tax return, and at the same time, set aside a very small budget of $30 for clothing/shoes per month and $50 per month for household repairs. Show that you can put that money into a savings account if you need more than $50 per month to cover an expense. POJA means that you BOTH get what you want. He'll have more money to put toward repairs and things if he's not paying interest on debts.

P.S. - another idea that just popped into my head as I hit "add reply"...

As he uses that tax return to pay off debts, that's a specific dollar amount that will be freed up out of the family budget, right? That's your POJA dollar amount - that you get that monthly money to replace clothing and repair the home.

Margue,

Ok, let's view this as two problems. ONe you HAVE to deal with, and one you TWO have to deal with.

The first one. Do you want to remain married to him? If you do, then you need to reinforce the things he does well. You said he has been affectionate and trying more. So now you are down, how do you think he is taking this? Is it encouraging him to keep doing the good things? You have some decisions to make.

Number 2. I mentioned his parole. I think you need to have a talk with him and tell him with all of the anniversaries coming up, you are having a hard time. However, you need some help and guidance from him. You need help dealing with these anniversaries, and making them something you no longer fear, and I think your anger is fear motivated. This is something you need to examine.

But, the point is you would like to talk to him about parole. He is a cop or excop and he will understand this. You would like to parole him from the jail he has been in, but you need help with a plan. You need a parole officer, but if you are to be his parole officer, you need to discuss how you should do it. How, often he needs to check in with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and certify his parole. This you should point out needs to be the fun part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think a lot more convicts would check in with their officer if they behaved as I envison you behaving when he checks in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What should a parole officer do? Besides make the check in fun? Ask him, what should be checked? What the officer would need to know? How the officer should check up, and relieve the stress of worrying about the convict going back to his old ways.

Margue, involve him in this. Let him help set up things that will ease your mind, and have some fun as well. Ask his advice, you may be surprised that he realizes your need to "trust but verify" to quote Reagan. But, he would probably be more helpful if he had some input as to how it should go. YOu see you know he can cheat again, he knows he can, so all you want is some method that he buys into that HELPS YOU. Espcially if FEAR is motivating your anger. He needs to understand where your anger is coming from once you do, and then you need to ask him to help you with this.

Do you see where I am coming from? Have him help you, set him free from the prison of his actions. Make a plan that is both fun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and useful to you and to him.

Ask him to help. He cannot solve your issues, and he cannot make what he did go away, but your announcement that he is up for parole, just might encourage him alot to be the H you want.

You two are a team, and it is time for you two to put the remaining parts of this away and work on the future.

God Bless,

JL

I read your post about feeling like a doormat, and my heart goes out to you.

Try understanding why you allow yourself to be a doormat. How do you get yourself into that position?

I'm trying to understand that myself. I can't work on my H. I can only work on myself.

KaylaAndy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Marie, POJA means that decisions are made differently than they've ever been made before </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what I want.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does your husband understand how this is done? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so. I've asked him to read books, etc. He just doesn't have the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is he truly committed to healing your marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he is, it seems like he is this time. But I thought that last time too....so from what I can see yes, he is committed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because I get the feeling that you are reacting to the old husband </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are probably right. I'm having a hard time because I totally believed that he was the "new" husband for a year and half and he was still seeing her and just lying a whole lot better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">then he can't take things for granted.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feelings exactly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Marie, you need to POJA the entire family monthly budget. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have tried in the past to get him to do a budget. He doesn't want too. He says there's not enough money to do a budget. I don't agree, but that's the end of the subject.

We have such a hard time agreeing on the subject, he thinks he should pay more on the credit cards, and under normal circumstances I'd agree, but what about his kids, his home? He makes no plans for either of them.

It's very hard for me now to see his side of things, when he starts ranting about "What difference does it make if they have clothes or whatever, if we don't have electric? and I do understand that...

It makes me so angry when he says stuff like this, he usually says it like I'm some kind of moron for thinking this way.

Well, big boy, if you cared so much about the freakin bills, maybe you shouldn't have been caught sucking face with your whore at the park, on the job, huh?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But please don't love-bust here and decide how he is before he has a chance to show you otherwise. That's a disrespectful judgment and will continue to give him reasons to want out of the marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He hasn't changed...except for being a little more affectionate and trying to (on rare occasions) open up a little bit more.

It's the frustrating part...he's still just him. And in some ways that's good, I know he will always take care of us, but it's HIS way.

I do love him and he's a good man (except for the A)...he's a very old fashioned "man rules the roost" kind of guy..

It's just the emotional side of things that we have a hard time connecting on.

That's a good idea about taking the money we save and using it for the clothes and house....I hope he will like that one.

Even if we only take a part of it.


Just Learning

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you want to remain married to him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you need to have a talk with him and tell him with all of the anniversaries coming up, you are having a hard time. However, you need some help and guidance from him. You need help dealing with these anniversaries, and making them something you no longer fear, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did do this...short version: I told him how much it hurt me to think of these Holidays and where he was for the last 4 of them..
I told him I needed his help getting through them. He said he was sorry that it caused so much pain, but it was over and that should be cause to celebrate.

I agreed, but the pain out weighs the joy somedays. The awful realization of where he was, what he was doing, all the while declaring his undying love and devotion, telling me it was over and he hadn't seen her in a year and a half. And stupid me believing every freaking word of it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think your anger is fear motivated. This is something you need to examine.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive that some of it is...probably most of it. Fear that he will leave, fear that he won't..fear that he will never stop seeing that slut (even though she's getting married this weekend) and this will NEVER go away.

And part of it is just plain pissed off that he thought it was ok to lie to me for so long, and so well. He knew that it was killing me, and that didn't even matter. It's like something I read here, when the A is brought to light and the WS continues seeing the other person, it's like saying to the BS, "I know what I did is devastating to you, and I don't care".. that really makes me angry and hurt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">talk to him about parole </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you talking about accountability? Time wise? Paroled from what?

He's (for the most part) accountable for all of his work time. Unless I call his brother and check for myself there's really no other way to verify where he is and what he's doing. When he makes a run for a part..he's alone. Sometimes when he works out, he's alone. He does call, but he could be doing anything in between those before and after calls. He works out for an hour and a half.

I guess I'm not sure what else he can do...realistically.

In all reality there isn't much more that he can do. If he wants to have an A again, he certainly can and will. That's the part that makes me crazy, no matter what he says or does he can still be lying to me. He will still find a way to see her if he really wants too, and lie to me with every breath he takes.

He's done that before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He cannot solve your issues, and he cannot make what he did go away, but your announcement that he is up for parole, just might encourage him alot to be the H you want.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you talking about parole from the past? Start fresh and go on from here, "act" like it never happened? Clean the slate, so to speak? Only focus on the here and the future??


broken heart and arm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your post about feeling like a doormat, and my heart goes out to you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanx <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Try understanding why you allow yourself to be a doormat. How do you get yourself into that position? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By always trying to please him. Trying to meet his needs, at the cost of my own. It's always been that way.

I'm a giver by nature. Sometimes it's just too much, I seem to always have people in my life that do nothing but take and take and take... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

sorry - double post

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Hi Margue,

Not to be too gloomy of a gus, and I say this only because of the previous false recovery AND the current suspiscions, but when I finally decided to leave my exH, I started paying off the credit cards, so as not to leave him, or me, with too much debt.

Paying extra each month on cc's makes sense. But, draining all of your CASH assets to do this isnt usually logical. There should always be a cash reserve for emergencies.

Search for finincial education websites that give advise on paying off debt. Sometimes it helps if H's hear it from someone OTHER than the W. Advise is always to leave a cash cushion. And to pay the higher interest loans off first. Are those the ones he wants to pay?

If his goal is financial security, then the two of you can do it wisely, together.

I AM hoping for the best for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - Dru

Dru,

thanx for the reply.

He only has 2 or 3 credit cards at the most and all are under 2% interest. He's good about that kind of thing.

He always drains the cash to pay the bills. Sometimes it's necessary and sometimes he just pays extra on credit cards.

I know he is strapped for money right now, but I feel like I've waited long enough for our children to get things they need and this house to be fixed up..if paying his bills was such a priority then he should have stopped sucking face with the whore long enough to think of the conscequences of his actions...ie half of his previous income because he lost his job.