My fiancee thought I was having an affair of the heart with a friend of mine I e-mailed with who lives out of state (country actually). I stopped communicating with this friend since it caused ill feelings and it wasn't that important to remain in contact. However; my fiancee conversed with a woman he was close with at one time for a whole year before my friend appeared and he never ended it. They went to lunch, talked on the phone, and e-mailed. She always let it be known through cards and letters that she wanted more from him. She knew we were engaged but that didn't matter to her. He said he wasn't going to end it since the feelings were not mutual and he could "draw the line". He has treated me like he caught me in bed with someone and has checked my phone bills and hits the redial button to see who I called. I've tried so hard to prove my love for him over the past 9 months to no avail - it's never good enough. He's called friends to see if I was just talking with them and he has started e-mailing recently with a woman because "he's confused" about us. I happened across an e-mail from her. It was very generic, but he finally told me he had inquired if she wanted to meet him. He says it's over, but I don't trust HIM now. We both want this to work and are going to start counseling. It hurts on both ends and I hate this sinking feeling.<P>Any suggestions!<P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~

Lady K -<P>Wow, I'm so sorry for all your going through.....<P>The only thing I can suggest is to supplement the counseling with the information on this site from Dr. Harley.<P>Looks like you two really need to understand and work on each others needs and you need The Policy of Joint Agreement. These concepts must be understood and complied with if you are to have a good relationship.<P>It's no less painful, but you are fortunate that this problem is coming up now and not 15 years from now! For a relationship to work - nothing and noone must take priority over the feelings of our partners, least of all old GF's or male friends. You seem to realize this but he has no comprehension of the pain he's causing you and the double standards he is already introducing into your lives.<P>Please go over this material with your fiance and if he is unwilling - well, then he really doesn't want to work this out then, does he?<P>Good Luck to you both and keep posting to let us know how you make out.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba

Thank you, Sheba, for your response. I am printing the Love Busters, Concepts, etc., to go over with him. We are both on the verge of giving up, letting go. It is so frustrating and hurtful that he does not believe me. He seems to be going out of his way to "catch me". If he would only focus on our love and not on how he's going to prove I'm in love with someone I haven't seen in 9 years. We lost touch about 5 years ago then he e-mailed me last November. We caught up on our lives (he has 2 kids, I'm divorced w/ 2 kids and engaged and looking for a house, etc.). I openly shared this w/ my fiancee and never once hid that we were e-mailing. He camouflaged his friend's e-mail address, but then confessed. He did finally end it (at least I'm led to believe he did) after she proclaimed her love for him. I heard them on the phone once when I said that if she was just a friend, she'd accept me as her friend as well so we called her to set up a time to meet. Her angry words still ring in my head "you stood me up for her" and she hung up. We had been engaged already for about 6 months and have been together for 2 years. They obviously had set a time to meet on their own and then he didn't show. He claims she read more into his generically saying they should get together. I feel as though he thinks I'm being sneaky because he is - the signs are there. Why do I think he'll change? Why do I think he'll ever believe that my friendship is over and has been? I'm near hysteria and I don't know how to keep control. I have a 5 and 7 year old to live for.<P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~

Lady K -<P>Take a deep breath!!!!!<P>Step back and look at this for a minute....<P>He has kept up a "friendship" with a person of the opposite sex who wants an intimate relationship with him. e tells you that it is only a 'friendship' on his part. He knows that she wants more and either is giving it to her or is teasing her for his own ego.<P>Either way, this has nothing to do with an open communication you may have had with a male friend. Nothing you did was sneaky and self-fulfilling to the detriment of your fiance's feelings.<P>His actions, however, are not above board and his insistance that he will keep this "friendship" despite of the blow to your feelings and the double standards he is dictating show that he is being a Taker!!!! Among other things!!<P>There is no comparison to your Email contact and his "friend" and I think you know it.......Stop trying to defend yourself because there is nothing to defend. This is two totally different ballparks....apples and oranges!!!<P>You know that you've got a very serious problem here. There is lack of honesty just to name one..<P>All you can do is try with this material and the counselor and than follow your instincts.<P>I will be praying for you and the kids.<P>You will be allright with or without him and it's better to know these things now. <P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hello, again,<P>I know he is manipulative and turns things around on me and I know he is dishonest. I'm just not sure if the pain is greater by remaining in this relationship or letting go! I have felt the anguish of letting go and it hurts unbelievably (I'm sure you know that). He is definately a taker and he also withdraws all the time. He wants me to share myself and my heart, but when I do he withdraws. I will be alone for most of the week-end as he has work and I hope to keep focused. <P>God Bless You!<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~

Lady K -<P>God - This Sucks!!!!! (sorry!!)<P>Yes, I know all this pain and fear all too well.<P>The answer to this question:.....<P>If he doesn't discover his problems and how to conquer them and actually work and do it - do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?<P>....is what you need to base your future and that of your children on.<P>Hugs and I am here for you,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>What an enlightening few days. Once again I caught him in a lie. Just one day after making an appointment with a counselor and also with our Pastor. He says he has so much to share at our meeting with the counselor.<P>I told him that if he's not ready to be completely honest and to be ready for this commitment then I needed to cut loose. I want stability, total honesty, and a perfect world (so to speak). I can't waste any more of my time.<P>We are going to the appointments and I'll make my decision from there. I need to get on with my life! I'll let you know how we make out and hopefully I can get off this bb - ya know.<P>Have a great day!<P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~

Oh Boy - Another Lie, Huh???<P>Glad you're going to the counselor and pastor. See what developes and follow your instincts.<P>Let us know how it goes!!<P> My prayers are with you.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hi, again, Sheba,<P>First, thank you for the time in responding to me. You have helped tremendously.<P>Our counseling was interesting. I told my story (finally) and he wanted to leave. He said he'd had enough bashing for one day. I feel better just knowing I got my side out and so did he. We are going back next week. Hopefully we can start healing. I want that and he says he does too.<P>He went to a buddies house after our appt. and then stayed at his Mom's (he's helping with her dogs as her out-of-town dad passed away yesterday). I enjoyed the time to myself to reflect. I'm steeping back to give him room to decide what or who he wants. He's called me a couple times which shocks me a little.<P>Again, thank you. God Bless you, too.<P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~<BR>

Lady K -<P>I'm so glad that you were able to get your story out. IT's amazing how by just talking about everything makes I feel so much better (lighter!!)....<P>It's sort of like opening a pressure release valve - all the bad air is released!!! <P>I'm curious - what were all the things he had to say that you referred to in the post before this one? Did you find out anything about his way of thinking, etc?<P>I'm also glad that it made you feel good that he called you a couple of times - in our situations the things that our SO's should do, but usually don't, are like little pieces of light in our darkness. <P>I suppose this is one of the clues that when we see it as part of the loving caring relationship that it should be instead of just a dot of light that is when we know that our relationship is on the right track!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>

Hello,<P>Boy where do I begin - his thought process is somewhat "out there". I'll try to be brief with this.<P>I received some middle of the night hang up calls. We finally did *69 and found they were from a bar in a city about 25 miles away. My SO thought that my friend from Korea would page this bar and put my # in it so the bar would call me and I would know this guy was thinking of me. We finally called this bar and the bartender said that he was calling a beer distributor and kept calling my # by mistake. The disttibutor is in my town. Logical I thought. Once we spoke to the bartender and informed him he was being a pain, the calls stopped. Case closed so to speak.<P>I also started getting calls on the caller ID from a Shakespear. My SO looked in the phone book and said that # didn't exist and this guy from Korea put that in the caller ID as a code. We had just seen Shakespeare In Love and I loved it. I called the #, spoke to an elderly lady who said she couldn't see the #'s on her phone good and she apologized. Case closed I thought, but my SO also called and said a man answered and didn't know the woman who claimed to live there. Anyway, he finally talked to her and I thought that would bring peace but he wants to meet her.<P>Those are a couple of the "coinsidences" he can't let go of to fully trust me. He is trying so darn hard to PROVE my guilt that he's off the wall at times. I think he thought this counselor yesterday would agree with his thinking. She didn't agree with either of us and just suggested we start healing.<P>My SO and I are classic co-dependants. This dance we are doing right now is so typical of us. I feel very close to him and "run" towards him and he gets nervous, shuts me out and runs away. I get fed up with him shutting down so I relax and become non-chalant with him. He, which he's doing now because I didn't call last night, is "running" towards me right now. It's a vishes cycle, I know.<P>So the music plays on while we dance ....<P>Sorry this was so long.<P>Hugs 2 You!<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~<BR>

ladyk, we know any relationship is going to require give and take, a lot of patients, and acceptance. but, you must decide if this relationship, one you're about to take a vow, requires you to give or accept too much. nows the time to make a high quality decision. from what i understand you stbh, demonstrates a lack of common courtesy, he's manipulative, and doesn't seem sincere. it will get much, much worse in a marriage. if you can't fix it now, please don't marriage this man. question, is he honest? does he ever take money that's been left lieing around? if you're not sure, leave a $5.00 bill someplace where it will look like it was dropped, like between the cushions of the sofa but leave a little showing. see if he takes it and if he says anything about it. you should test the man before you marry him.

Lady K -<P>That's not long!!! I want more!!! LOL!!<P>What did he say about his "friend"?<P>I like the dance line!!!!<P>Sheba

Hi, Frankie - thanks for the advise but I know him well enough that he won't steal. I'm not a fan of "testing". I can understand the thinking, but I'd feel so sneaky and that I was setting him up. I'm not like that.<P>Sheba - he just said that any inappropriate friendships were over. I guess I'm suppose to believe him, but he can't believe that my friendship (even though is was not inappropriate per se) is over from 10 months ago.<P>My SO is very insecure and I'm not sure why. He is good looking, very fit and everyone loves him. He tries so hard for people to like him which he doesn't have to do because he's so personable. He "needs" to make me feel jealous because my jealousy "validates" my love for him. He'll bring up female friends names who I don't know and talk about them, but once I meet them and I too become friends with them, he stops talking about them. If I bring up a male to possibly validate his love for me (God, I hate games) he obsesses to the point where he almost accuses me of thinking about them all the time so I stopped that real quick.<P>I should say he's a recovering addict and alcoholic, to really confuse the situation!! I know lying is a very big trait and that the "dry drunk" is sometimes worse than the real thing. I'm almost sick of hearing this "excuse". I'm not trying to be cruel, but we all need to step up to the plate sometime and take responsibility.<P>Anyway, my plan of action for next week's counseling is not to try to prove my innocense anymore, but to find out how to build his trust in me and how to build his self-esteem. That's what it all boils down to is his low self-esteem and insecurity - this really has NOTHING to do with me.<P>Well, off to lunch. Have a great day and thanks for this opportunity to share. I hate constantly sharing with my family because if we do eventually get married they'll judge him. My sister never forgets.<P>:-)<P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~<BR>

Hi Lady K -<P>I wanted to wait til after your Pastor counseling and the next regular counselor appointments.<P>So, how did they go?<P>Did you address the trust and self esteem issues?<P>Wanted to ask you also if you've gone over the Harley stuff you printed out with him yet?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hello, Sheba,<P>I've been on vacation and have not had access to the internet. I didn't do anything except lounge around the house and try to organize my piles, I mean files - Ha... Ha...<P>My SO's grandfather passed away so the services, etc., took up the beginning of my week. We went camping over the long week-end which had many ups and downs.<P>Our meeting with Pastor went well. My SO told him that he had answered a personal ad and contacted this woman and he told him he's had sneaky thoughts and had frequested sex internet sites. He did say that he has not been unfaithful to me. We canceled the wedding (scheduled for Sep. 25, 1999), which our Pastor thought was a good idea in light of my SO's "confession".<P>Our 2nd meeting with the counselor wasn't very productive. We mostly discussed how we were laying each of our fears to rest. I feel good that my SO calls me frequently to let me know what he's doing. I'm doing the same. He was late getting out of a meeting one night and he called right after to tell me he was on his way home. <P>I feel as though the issue with him answering the persoanl ad is a moot issue. I don't think about her too much (once in the last week). I feel my trust in him is at about 97%.<P>My issue now is that I did find out last week that he had moved all his stuff out that was stored in my attic. I now realize he was making the break and I NEVER SAW IT. I never saw him move the stuff out and we are ALWAYS together. During the time he said he moved it out and at the same time contacted this OW, I THOUGHT things were going great between us. We had moved ahead with our wedding plans. He hid his real feelings so well and I'm now afraid he'll do it again. How will I ever know if he was so good at hiding it before?!<P>I think we put to rest one of the coincedences that he mistrusted me about. I had been getting called by someone who claimed they misdialed. My SO didn't believe it because this person called my number wrongly a lot (sometimes once a week). We talked to the person when they called last week and then called the number they were trying to reach. I think he was satisfied that it wasn't just my friend trying to call when my SO wasn't there (does that make sense?). He said he was satisfied it was REALLY a wrong number. God, I hope so!<P>I hope all is well with you! Have a great day!