Hello. I am new here and this is my first time posting. I am a married 37 yr old mother of 2 daughters(9&12) who just recently found out about my husband's affair. I found out 10/11/03 that it was another woman. He had been feeling distant for "years" but didn't think it was a real issue until this woman he met at the companies' usual gatherings made him feel special, a "romantic love" like falling in love.This woman does not work with him but meets in these groups after work. I have read a few of Dr. Phil's books and Dr. Harley's and know what this "infatuation" stage is all about. It lasted for a few weeks but they are not communicating anymore(so he says and I am checking) because he agreed first to cut off the affair and also just the past few days,my husband got "let go"from work,a blessing in disguise(he was working in another city commuting home every other weekend for a few months)and he has said he is 100% commited to working on our marriage. We have been to a marriage counselor a few times so far but there is so much to be done, it feels like this is going so slow.

Here's the catch: my husband works in the film industry so he has been offered a 3 month job in California, where we just moved from in the past year, to do some work. He has said that he is going to look for work locally but until he can find a job here, he is taking that job to pay the bills,etc. but there is the chance he could be offered a longer term position.Which means, what do I do if he ends up out there permanently? I know we have both said we do not want to think about that yet but it is a real possibility. Work where we are now is not as great as being near Hollywood. Meanwhile we have not had much time to spend together since all he can think about is being financially stable, which I agree takes the priority right now but I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like our marriage is just slipping away and there is nothing I can do. Do I agree to be a "bicoastal" family and try to make it work? I don't see how it could. He is still "emotionally addicted" but not as much I think. He has been keeping himself busy so he has not been thinking too much about OW although it has only been two weeks since he broke it off and they said their "goodbyes". I am not going to move yet again,we just bought a beautiful home and I do not want to uproot the kids again for HIS job.I have been a stay at home mom for most of the past 11 years. I have done that many times already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Sorry this was so long.

Dear October:
I don't have any tried and true advice to give you only my VHO:
It's hard to work on a M when you aren't together to work on it.

Is there anyway at all you can go with him? Could you leave the girls with a grandparent so you aren't uprooting them? You could look for a job while you're out there and possibly a home. If that's where the most work is, doesn't it make sense to be there?

DB

Thanks for your response dazed blonde. I guess I know that it really would not work well or at all if he does take a permanent job out near Los Angeles. But we have moved so much already due to his leaving companies and working on movies over and over. I am tired of that but I just want him to be with us as a family.

I am certain in my mind, at least for now, that if I picked up and moved the kids AGAIN, it would be foolish. Not only do I not know if our marriage could be saved even if I did go with the kids, I don't know if he is someone I want to be with anymore after what he has done and the pain caused to me and our families.His father will not even speak to him at this point. I can't risk uprooting the kids, myself and leaving our new home that we LOVE dearly, not to mention our families are out here and supporting me(us).I feel like HE should be the one to make some solid commitments NOW after all the years of moving and going where HE wanted to in his career. If that meant a slightly different type of job to at least be here and work on us, then he should make the "sacrifice". But, I know that is wishful thinking. In a way, I feel like he already feels comfortable with the idea of living away and being a part time dad. I do such a "great job" of raising our girls primarily, it has maybe made him think that the situation is ok.

We moved out here to be away from Los Angeles and the pit that it is and now he is just repeating his same old pattern. He feels really good at the start of a new movie and the money is great but then he ends up hating it due to the political BS and creativity dampening EVERY job he has taken has had. It's like watching a bird repeatedly fly into a window,not learning it's leason. UGH.

I know there is no easy answer except that God willing, there will be a job out here for him so we can try to make things work.So. I at least, continue to go to counseling myself until he gets home. I am feeling stronger about putting ME first and facing my fear of possibily not being with him anymore as husband and wife. He was like half of my identity. We have been together for 20 years and I have not known another way of life. We began dating in our teens(18) and have been together for more than half our lives.It is the biggest challenge for me to face.It was also a big shock because up until 2 weeks before I found out, everything seemed fine between us. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey October-

That's right - you can only change yourself - you can't change anyone else. So as long as you know that the next question you have to answer is:

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

When you figure that out then you'll know what to do....

Good luck.
DB