3,

This is no time to stop posting, ya hear?!?!?! Bean there dun 'dat. Best place to be is your home with your family and here with your extended family.

Vent here, LB off of us, we can take it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for your confused and frustrated state, well my dear it c/b because your heart and mind are still out of sync. Don't fret, it will come together soon. You need to relax a bit.

Realize that you can't help him now, he must do that. You protect 3 and the family. Breathe, relax, get a punching bag, brisk walks (but not alone), come over and clean my house (just kidding <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), bake cookies, buy new furniture, etc. I think you get the idea.

Focus your energies so that you spend less time fuming. More time healing and then your mind and heart will start to settle. Then your H had better watch out. A focused BS is dangerous to the A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Just a suggestion: if you do plan to "spy" on him, and need to track where he goes, there is something called teen tracker that tracks the car via internet monitoring. It can be done without the knowledge of the person driving. This keeps you at a safe distance from OW (if that is the case).

myrrh

3,

Even tho you are not here, we are.

Hey Orchid, right on!! Thanks to you for caring about 3, I have been so where she is at. I just can't communicate it as I wish I could.

Can we all say, been there, done that, bought T-shirts? LOL. I don't know who said that, but I rolled on the floor laughing on that one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

3, Orchid and I have been thru it. Relax. Your H is on schedule.

Repeat after me. Relax, relax, relax. Go with it 3, you can't see the forest for the trees, your H has had an epiphany. He did NOT love ow. Lies are what A's are about. They all say ILY. It doesn't mean a thing. FOG.

Your H is out of the fog. He is telling you what it really is now that he is out of Fog. Go with that. He was abducted by aliens. He is back. Cherish the good and healing things he has said to you.

If you need to snoop, do it. H should understand if you have trust issues. If this is what you need to do, H should understand if you are found out. And I have a feeling that you will find nothing but relief that nothing will be going on.

To ditto Orchid. RELAX.

Yes TO4T, I have a bit of an attitude. Cause I have been there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

3, love you. I have been where you are. It does get better.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 02:55 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

3

As long as these suspicions gnaw at your heart and mind you will find no peace.

Confirm them or affirm his loyalty.

But PUH-LEASE take action that will give you peace of mind.

Not knowing good or bad is really worse than knowing.

If he is involved sooner or later you are going to know.....the sooner the better. Better in terms if you want to still try and rebuild. Why do I say that? Well the longer this drags out the more involved he would have been and the greater the betrayal for you to deal with.

And if he is innocent....OH MY...what a wonderful holiday peace of mind present you bought yourself by checking up.

I would hope testing his trustworthiness would not be an excuse for him to be driven away. Heck he did more to you that should have driven you away but you hung in there.

Don't remember if you have kids but I love the analogy my therapist made in terms of checking up on WSs. She said it was like catching one of your teenage kids smoking. You are not going to accept that they quit on face value. You are going to check for signs. So go ahead sniff his close for the smell of a smokey affair, check his glove compartment for a lightere and dig in his ashtray of ashes and butts (hehe!).

After ahile of no ashes and no hidden packs of cigs your trust will be restored.

TO4T - "boat sunk or OW evicted due to moral indiscretions) " . LOL

Ok you got me laughing on that one , very hard to do these days at least without it not being fact!

MM- you can always give me attitude (I WUV U)

Orchid - I can't clean my own house , fat chance coming there LOL But I get what your saying thabk you .

OH and I hate that saying "BEEN THERE DONE THAT"
its to sad that WE can even say it . <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Myrhh-(hope I got the name right (sorry) That teen tracker sounds great . I will look in to that but question if ya track it on the net , then wouldn't my husband find it on my computer?

He has this pc so hooked up he knows if I sneeze on it .

Stunned - I hear ya , I really do . DENIAL and driving myself crazy just sounds safer . I don't mean to sound arogent and hope I don't . Its just I know I will hurt them if I find them , I got a bad temper that has taken years to put in control .I mean when my d-day happened the proff , well family and freinds baricated me in the house and took turns watching me like a hawk . MY MIL even moved her self in at one point . All where in fear of that temper of mine . And i kept it in check and must admit was a loon but a very mature one (for my kids sack )

This time well NO ! I can't, WON"T hold it back RED is the color I will see and by time I am done it would be the only color they see .

I even scare ME cause I will talk and then one day jump and do its my personality to procrastinate (spell check)

GUYS thatnks for the support , I really need a safe place , but sometimes feel that people just don't want to be bothered .

OK MM I am here on the week end . WELL going to another family party OH JOY ! Birthdays again neice"s .

So got to run , I am scared really scared , I know in my heart I am one of the ones that are going to find the contact still there OH there "just freinds" . I wish I would just find some one else . It would make it esier then to deal with him and if there is a HER again !

3,

I am so sorry if the been there done that upsets you. But I HAVE been exactly where you are. I just thought the bought t-shirts was funny. I really am sorry if that hurt you. Won't go there again.

Anyway. I feel ya. I hurt for ya. I know where you are at. Shoot, I just showed up at my H gig to 'check up' after 3 years of this. Guess what? He was sitting at a table full of men. Yeah, made me feel real good. And he was so glad to see me, and followed me around and put his arm around me. This is what will happen for you.

However, if you have that feeling, go ahead and snoop. No crying and falling apart. You need to know. I support you.

And I care, sorry if I hurt you, but I know you can take the bonkbonkbonk from me. Cause you know who I am and that I have been there and care.

It is okay if you snoop and I pray that you will be reassured and not correct. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

PS. Listen to Stunned Dad. He is so much more eloquent than myself, and wise, wise wise. Kudos to you Stunned Dad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

3, I'm glad I can put a little laughter in your life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Lord knows we need it! Seeing the humor in the situation (or creating it, if necessary) is what has kept me going. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You've got good friends here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will not snoop I WILL NOT SNOOP I WILL NOT SNOOP !

OK yes I am a crazy person and driving you all nuts . WEll my imagination is driving me nuts to !

I made a decision I will NOT SNOOP ! I have no real grounds to do this ,,, well I know I am a BS and that alone gives me the right ! LOL

BUT no I do not want this way of LIFE , I stated that long ago that if I was going to this I did not want to live with him being under a microscope . EVEN if he is it would just give satisfaction to the OW that I would never trust him again and I won't do that .

If I am going to SUPRISE visit my H at work that is what it should be a visit cause I miss him and am thinking of him . That it should be from the heart , no other reason .

SO here it is the LEAP ! The leap of faith no more calls no more worrying . He says he loves me , He is remorseful and is showing me that he wants to be with me then I will accept it and move forward .

I had another talk with him , this was to make sure he fully understands where my heads at and that there is still alot of work on his end that he needs to do . The one last thing I ask him was this .... "IF at this point OW and YOU are having contact behind my back ,,, WOULD there be any issues in this M as it stands that you are looking to BLAME or use as an excuse . Anything unresolved at all that we have not touched base on . " ANSWER was NO ! everything between me and you are great and I am very happy with YOU and our M . IF I was seeing or speacking to her it would be MY OWN destrution of this M and BLAME AND FAULT would souly fall on ME and yes she would be the ONLY cause of it .

So with that said, I know I have left no stone unturned to save my M . And at this point there is no issuses .

So IF IF IF there is a discovery of another D-DAY there is NO PRE-A ISSUSES .

Now I would be fair to say it is his fault and I am nothing NOTHING to take responiblity for AT ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He agreed with all this. Then we left for the party and he got a new cd player instalted in my car . On the ride to the party he gave me something a CD he stayed up the night before making off the NET . HE asked me if I know him ?
I said, with very sad voice I am not sure but I am trying to think that all we had in the past was not FAKE .

He asked me to listen to the songs on there and know he is that man he was since the day he meet me and to have that same understanding of him I always had . That unspoken love , that I could feel without him even speeking .

SONGS : you are my lady, can't get enough of your love (barry white) , I'd rather(LUTHER) that song gets me big time . Ok there where alot more .

Point to all this is that he is trying in his way to address my issues of thinking every thing we had is tainted and that we really didn't ever share anything "special" because he was able to share with another (witch he says he did not SHARE anything with)

Communication yes was a big isssue years later right before A , but before then I just always knew his thoughts and he knew I knew . Am I making sense . He always had a hard time expressing himself he did alot through music and humor . And then there where the times he would just brake down and that was only for ME .

So has he convinced me he is not having contact NO ! but I must take a leap of faith , call it blinders if you want , but until I am presented with any real proff then I will hold my self responsable to move forward .

I made a choice to take him back and that I could move past this and never define him by his past mistake so now I need to keep my end of the commitment .

I am not perfect and may need support from you all here to do so but I will love him and trust him and continue to work on my M moving forward and TRYING not to look behind me any more .

TO4T - that humor is alot like mine , I agree gotta help yourself laugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MM - BONK ME ANYTIME !

You have been tearing yourself apart for the last few weeks over suspicions of ongoing contact.

And now you've decided to just shut it off?????

He hasn't EARNED your trust yet. He doesn't deserve it.

I would put more trust into the GUT FEELINGS of a BS over the WORDS of a WS anyday.

Just DEAL WITH THIS 3. Stop pretending. I know you want to have a nice happy Christmas, but burying all of this into your subconscience isn't going to give you peace of mind.

This is part of the price he has to pay. If it means you snoop, if it means you question him, if it means you follow him...its part of what he needs to do to regain his place in your marriage.

I refuse to feel sorry for your "poor WS" who has to "put up with" your craziness. THIS IS HIS FAULT.

But I also won't feel sorry for you if you refuse to deal with the issues that are right in front of you.

I agree with Lexxxy. Blind trust has no place in a M, even Dr. Harley agrees with that. What is the old saying...Trust in God but lock your doors? I would definitely advocate honesty though. I would go visit him, and then tell him why you are visiting him ("I am feeling a little weird at this time of the day because I know there is the possibility you and OW could see each other.")

Hate to see that you are wound up. But how often on this forum has a BS's gut feeling been wrong?

And think of how much better you'll feel after you find out it's nothing...hopefully.

3, you are not wrong for dealing with your feelings in any way you see fit. Only you know what you need to survive and feel OK about things.
Your H knows how you feel and what you fear. I hope he continues to give you the assurance you need.

I read Maxlo's thread on Recovery Board, "I think I know why I can't let go" and maybe you can get some good out of the posts. Maybe it's not so much that you THINK there may be contact going on, but that you FEAR there may be contact again.

See ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

3,


Does you H know how you feel?

Please email me hon.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

And it doesn't really matter if you responded to my email, I just want to help u!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love,
Martha

MissM I didn't recieve any e-mail from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I hope I did not delete it by accedent when I was going fast on the delete button if so sorry and if you have it send it again . SORRY if that was the case .

I am sorry I have not responded to STILL & LEXXY I really do not know what to say , this all brings so much confusion to me . I really am not well at all . I am battling my own demens I guess .

I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me at all , I guess if I choose to put my blinders on or not snoop , and there is something out there its the price I paid for attempting to belive and trust again .

To asnswer the question does he know how I feel ??

Yes he knows my fears and suspiouns and thats what he knows , also that with all my heart I want nothing more in my life them to trust him and have a good healthy life together .

I also want to be loved by him and I don't know if he is capable of the love I need , I need the eat , sleep , and breath ME .

SELFISH and not realistic, MAYBE but can't help it , ITS my insecurities WHY ? I don't know. Maybe thats what I need to figure it out .

No he is not perfect , and has he treid well yes , but do I expect more do I maybe want whats not in him , I think so . So am I punishing him time and time again for this A ,, I guess so .

Do I have that right , ? well some BS's might say yes , Until I say so he has to put up with the absuse cause its what I need to heel .

Well he don't think so . He is at a leavel of now YOU need to get over it . (I know those words BITE)

To answer TO4T I will read the thread ,thanks for that and also I know the confusion in me is that very thing it may not be contact ,,, BUT the fear of it that I am freaking out about .

That has been the part of this all along , I can imagine things out of fear , I can accuse him out of fear . There have been things I thougth now in the past couple of months that I swore was contact again little stupid things that I blew up and then when checked IT was exactly what he said, they where .

SO when does the snooping end , if I was sure it started and snooped and kept coming up empty then , when do I say hey he proved it to me ,enough is enough . theres got to be a point of leting the A die , letting it go . Moving forward .


ALL I am saying is I am crazy I am running around with low very low self estem and fear . When is it MY responsiablity to HELP ME move forward with NO help from him . When do I stop EXPECTING HIM to heal ME , and I HEAL me .

This is what I am doing WANTING HIM to take away my triggers, fears, doughts , tears ect. So when is it MY JOB to do it , instead of EXCPECTING HIM to make it get out of my head . ???

And thats the point he is at to , When is it going to be ok not to talk about the A , when does it become NORMAL so that my HUSBAND can look at me and see me and me see HIM not the A .

SO that our passion and desire can be there 100% with out that other image holding us back ?

HE feels he can't get any closer to me any more then he is until I am ready to put the A to rest . AND if I want his closeness 100% why won't I let it go put it in the past and MOVE FOWARD.

This is all the reasons that I feel I need to stop and not be bothered any more with the HUNT , I need to see If putting it all behind WILL make that bigger differance in our M . If he really will open up even more to me and be more in love with me . FOR some reseon this falls back on ME doing my part .

So if he is contacting it has to eventually show .

I have to belive that there will be something there that will send me the RED FLAG that I will have NO dought in my mind .

3, I didn't know how to take Still & Lexxxy's posts...just made me feel a little uneasy for you cause I know you're having a rough time.

I think you're doing good. There's nothing wrong in relaxing for a while. It's exhausting to try to stay a step ahead, to stay on guard 24/7. Do give up the hunt 3, until you get an undeniable stinky scent to follow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's not having blind trust. It's called MBing, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

PS - It IS your H's job to help you heal. It's your job to be open to healing.

Have a great weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: TooOld4This ]</small>

(((((((hugs)))))))) to you and many thinks inside of them .

I read that thread you told me about , yep that pretty much is the SKINNY on it .

FEAR FEAR FEAR ,,and am I saying that my fears have no place ........NO ..I know I am allowed to feel this way ,, but I don't like feeling that way .

And I FEAR (LOL) thatIam the one who needs to take the fear away .

NO GARENTIES that he will not or is not in contact BUT the be accountable 24/7 thing is IMPOSSIABLE for a human being .

I am not making excuses for him or BUYING any of them either I am just being real with MYSELF .

I asked for HONESTY last night and he gave it to me really gave it . I cryed for hours , it pissed him off , cause he said , YOU WANT MY HONESTY THEN YOU HURT WITH THE ANSWER AND WANT ME TO BE SORRY FOR BEING HONEST EVEN IF IT HURTS YOU WHEN I TELL YOU THERES NO NEED FOR YOU TO ASK SOME OF THE THINGS YOU DO . THEN you hurt and its my fault cause you hold the answer agaianst me and make up things in your head that aren't true .


I asked if he thought a muscular body on a women is his big turn on ?(I knew the answer but was going else where with it ) HE said, "I think a tone , tight , or muscular body is SEXY and yes turns me on .

NEXT ,,, YES you can imagine what I asked ....

DID OW HAVE A MUSCULAR , TIGHT , HARD BODY ALL OVER ????
YES was the answer .

SO that was it I broke into tears and he stood there and said, now what ... I started with well she is sexy and I am not . YOU turned on by her and not by me ....

He looked at me and said, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM THE ANSWER ????

I started yelling if that is what you think is a turn on then you are turned on by her cause she has it I do not . SO there you said, it .

BY then he can't find anything nice to say nor does he want to .

That crying went into this morning witch stoped about an hour ago ,,, also into me asking for a D ,,, he tells me do what you want ,, I am not leaving or signing ,,, call the cops but I am going NO where cause I love you and I can't understand you not seeing that and hering it .

I am rambling so bad ,, I made an appointment to do something I never thought of doing before I am going to talk to a doctor about ANTI-D's .

Not that I don't think they help and I am for it . FOR others . I hust felt I could go with out . Also I am going to try IC ,, NOT I really don't belive in the theropy thing either but if I could do I may attempt it ,, got to check out alot of things first .

BUT honestly I really would like to live my life with out doing any of the above ..

We shall see . AND TO4T ... LOL ya got away with the words , so much like my humor when I could find it .

ITS the little one liners that crack me up !

LUV you guys !

I leave wend. morning for 4 days in PA at MIL .

THANKSGIVING before he came home (2years ago ) they went out to an arcade H&OW and my KIDS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> THATS a hard day !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BUT honestly I really would like to live my life with out doing any of the above .. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But thank God for the ADs. I did IC for a few weeks--just long enough to know I wasn't crazy. You have to do "whatever" you need to get through all this. That's part of taking good care of yourself.

I know the holidays are going to be rough for me. I don't want to do anything the same as we did last year. No Thanksgiving at his family's and I'm not inviting everyone for Christmas at our house (not that that ever stopped them before) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I just want everything to be different! Just immediate family. So what if I'm labeled a selfish b**ch, I've already been called that by more reliable sources! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sure I'll be checking on you before Thanksgiving, but in case I get busy and don't have time to post -- I hope you, H and kids have a wonderful Thanksgiving visit with MIL.

{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}!

3,

Check your email. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi guys aliitle up date not much , had alittle bird fly around the site , he was there and the phone was out of service at the same time . the funny thing is it was near a garge ,where there is alot of work going on machines it can have alot to do with service being out.

That was once and I am not doing it again , as for the other 2 days before today I haven't called him much and he did go out of the way to try and call me especialy at the 2 1/2 possiable times that the 30 mins accure .

We talked once more about all and I am working on the accusing , he is working on the accountablity (as best he can considering he is at work )
He is also working on the SEX end of it as well .

I in turn am not bringing up the A , as he says that has to do with the lack of wanting sex.

Three days have felt well alittle easier , I am calming down alittle at a time . I do need this leap , to trust not blind trust , BUT TRUST .

I can't fight his every process of recovery , I need to let him back in without doughting everything . I need to keep imagination in check .

Well no more ramble HAPPY Thanksgiving to all !

Thanks ALL ! I will check in on tuesday night .

ok I am going away , be back SAT >>> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ok I lied I thought alot last night about the checking up on him again to see if phone would be off .

I as of 2:45pm (right now ) have managed since 12 noon to find either myself or others (witch was hard without telling anyone what I was up to ) to check on that phone ever 15 mins , and did it all without him thinking it was a spy feast LOL

OK I am not proud BUT I FEEL GREAT !

NOW as long as he keeps in touch with me tomorrow (day before a holiday big TRIGGER )for the 3 hours hes at work to do payroll and get his check this HOLIDAY will start off with a NEW AND GREAT BEGINING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He knows tomorrow is a trigger and I get nervous a day before a holiday as OW always calls just to even YELL .

HE brought up the subject to me that there was no way he could get the day off completely cause of the payroll situation (I know that to be true)

So that leap is here , and I am good people I am really good , I didn't go there but yet found aeay to scratch that ITCH I was having .

So with all said , I am going to KISS that man big tonihgt ! and hold on with all my love and say good bye to this A !

I belive NEW YEAR I will make a safe burial place for it LOL

I am taking all the papers of all the junior detective work and burning them and pushing this to the PAST .

I am done I want to be free of all of this , IF IF IF it comes out again and she calls , IF he answers it is said that he will tell her once and for all he is home , THE only way he won't tell her is by not answering the phone .

And if she should ever wonder MY WAY ( I can pray can't I LOL ) I will be more then happy to tell her me and H are together and doing great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There have been 2 threads here that helped alot MAX (thanks TO4T) and LEFTY something 2long wrote there that was a HIT HOME speach to me if you will .

Fears have no place in my life if I am going to continue to grow to a healther person .

If we do not make it down the line it will be for no other reason then his feelings for me have changed . BUT I am who I am and I am WORTHY (MISS M) I am not going to change who I am to have him stay with me , I will work on things that I feel are not healthy FOR me in general .

MY self esteem has teken a beaten , it really is low , and it is my job to pick it up and dust it off and get my act together .

I need to work on how I react to things , better yet not react LOL

LB'ing has always been a HUGE ptoblem for me and my very active imagination .

A great body is a very big thing to him , but more then that IT is a big big thing to me . SO its my body and I need to address those issues once and for all .

I love him and feel I need to open back up to understanding him , listen to what he is saying , and no sometimes his actions are not the same as words , but thats him and I am not perfect in that department either .

so HAPPY THANKSGIVING , I have my family at home and here on MB to be very thankful for !!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> to all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3,

How are you? Just wondering how the holiday went. I know it is a trigger for you, considering. . .

Please let me know how it went.

I think you are doing great!!!!

PS. I think your H is doing great too!
Luv U. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M