Well after 6 months of wondering, my fears have been confirmed. My wife is having an affair with a co-worker.<P>Now that I know for sure it is like a lead weight lifted from my shoulders. I must have confronted her a half-dozen times about this. All the time it was denied outright.<P>I've started the separation paperwork rolling. Don't believe reconciliation is going to be possible. Not sure I want to be looking over my shoulder wondering that if we reconciled my wife would still be considering leaving or roaming around.<P>My advice to others is if you think something is going on -- it probably is!<P>Everything you read on this message board about bizarre behavior is true. The spouse tells you how things haven't been right "forever" -- even though they were loving and affectionate right up until 6 months previous.<P>My Wife denies this to the end. She still has not admitted it to me. The unfaithfulness does not bother me as much as the lying. Without trust, there can never be a relationship for me.<P>Paul

Hi, Paul. Well, you've learned the lesson that most of us have, too, I guess, huh?<P>And you're feeling what most all of us have felt.<P>I know that you are hurt and angry. You feel more right now (or less, depending on how it hit you) than you've ever felt in your life.<P>Can I suggest that you give this a little time before you make any decision that will affect the rest of your life? Fact of the matter is, no matter how level-headed and in control you think you are right now - you're just not. This is traumatic. Give yourself some time. It may not make any difference. You may not change your mind about anything. If so, fine. So you've wasted a little bit of time. But at least you'll be sure.<P>Take the interim and read, learn, talk to us and others about what's going on. Think about what was going on in your marriage. The choices that your wife made were no one's but her own, but sometimes things can help get us to the point where we make bad choices.<P>Take really good care of yourself. And give yourself a little time, please.<P>Hang in there and be strong.<P>Lori

Hi paul<P>I've been where you are too. Within six months of marriage, I thought my H was cheating with a coworker too. I questioned, tried to ignore it, ignored the whispers from people at work, ( I worked part time there too), and went on with my life. I thought I must be wrong since he continually looked in my eyes and said I was wrong.<P>Four years later it hit me. I wasn't wrong. She was still working with him I left with our kids, but made the mistake of having those long conversations with him again. Six weeks later I moved back in Now I knew I was wrong. I thought I must have a problem.<BR>We moved to a new state where we started over. <P>Guess what! Two years later -at a differnt job in a different state, the rumors, old feelings, and suspicions were back.I started questioning again, but this time not as much. When I brought it up he got angry-he said i was at it again. Never mind that I had people directly telling me he was up to something with another woman at work-they were wrong and lied. I never gave him the benefit fo the doubt. I had the problem. this is what I've been told thruout our marriage. My self esteem is gone-I no longer feel attractive and fear at times that I might loose my sanity.<P>I think you are right. For people who admit it and tell the truth when confronted-there is hoope, but how can you work on a married with someone who won't admit they made a mistake, Blame everything on you. If she can confess and work with you, then maybe you can work it out. if she continualy lies, then you'll keep hitting your head on a brick wall. My head is bruised.<P>carrie

What proof do you have that would allow her to continue to deny it? If you are considering divorce and you have assets or children you should have unrefutable evidence that can hold up in court....<P>------------------<BR>

PM987 --<P>I agree with lostva regarding waiting. You have to decide if it's worth rebuilding your marriage. Once you start the separation, it's even harder to rebuild. It is also not uncommon for the separation to push your S away from you and toward that OP, so be wary.<P>This is a life decision. So, too, was the decision to get married in the first place. Don't rush it.<P>I, too, am a betrayed. I suspected my W was having a relationship with the husband of her "best friend". Didn't make sense, since, at the very least -- why would she do that to her "best friend"? We'll she did. It took two years of trying to tactfully address my W about it, all the while, she dodged the issue. It was just a "friendship". You know the rest...<P>Talk with some others on this site, particulaly some "betrayers". There ARE two sides to every story, as much as we only want to accept our side as the only one that matters. It may help in a self assessment that would help to pinpoint where your relationship started to stray. Also, check the site for instances where betrayers confronted OP. It's important that you research that NOW, before you let your emotions get the best of you.<P>On, and I DON'T agree with snooperhubby at all. I'm sure others would support me in saying that this is a marriage BUILDERS site. We're trying to regroup and rebuild. If we take snooperhubbyt's strong, negative an approach, the only thing were going to get is the satisfaction that we prevailed in court. Isn't there more to it than that?<P>-- keystone

I agree, give it some time. You loved each other once, and probably still do. It is a terrible thing that was done to you. I am in the same boat. But your love and trust can be rebuilt, but you both have to want it. You had a good relationship at one time right? It can be that way again. Right now is too soon to decide. Your not thinking clearly, and it will take some time before you can. Take some time to get your head strait, but don't break ties with her immediately. She will immediately run to him if you do this. The both of you will need some time to decide what you want to do. Either way take this time to get your life in order and look out for yourself, but don't forget about her, try to help her if you can. Talk to her about it calmly, be her friend. Try to remember what it was like in the beginning of your relationship. Be that person, be yourself. Things could go either way, but at least you can say you gave it a shot.

I didn't elaborate in the original post, but this is a same-sex affair. I know it isn't supposed to be much different than regular infidelity. But I still have a problem thinking this is reconcilable.<P>I'm not inclined to pursue a reconciliation. Was lied to for 6 months.<P>Paul