The common friends.... they have an idea except of course her sister who does know and I happen to be friends with. Yeah, it's complicated. The friends don't really know too much and prefer to keep it that way. I'm not worried about what she might say to others.

Anyway, I may be approaching this all wrong but we'll see. I know this is probably a bad idea but we're going to meet tomorrow night to as she puts it, "put closure to this arguing". I think it will go ok. I have a lot to say and I know she does too. It will just be talking but I hope it goes OK. I've been very open and honest about things with her since this "fog" cleared and she knows how I feel about my home life, etc, but there's still needs to be closure and I can't just do it over email. That's not my style. In difficult situations, I find it's best to interact face to face. So, with that being said, I'll let everyone know how this approach works out.

Honestly, my mind is clear now! No one has anything to worry about. I'm back to being in full control, I promise.

We're gonna hold you to that promise, fighter!

Sooo, tomorrow night when you're meeting with her REMEMBER ... you have to report back to us!

If she tries to get you to continue the relationship, turn and run the other way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Well anyway, don't let her change your mind.
This needs to be your final meeting, your final conversation, your final email, your final telephone call, and NOT your final sex session.

Stay straight and you'll be fine! I'm rootin' for ya!!

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

I'm getting worried, too, fighter, and second Stung's remarks.

I really, really, really think you ought to call the Harleys. Don't know if they can take you on short notice; I've never tried. Given that the A is in your circle of friends, given that your wife is pregnant, given that a few days ago you were very concerned about OW's extreme reaction...I'm not sure you should trust her. Your situation is a complex one -- and very explosive. (F'rinstance, might OW phone your wife? Might her sister phone your wife?)

Do meet in a public place. That way you KNOW no sex will take place. In fact, nothing will take place that would tip off any observers that you are more than friends. Well...maybe meeting in public isn't a good idea either. How about in your cubicle??? Over lunch...

But I would strongly suggest a call to Harleys.

Fighter,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's not my style. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry my friend, I'm just about to wack you over the head with a 2x4!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
You actually believe you are out of the fog?????

How can you talk about "style"??

You either have style or you don't and this means, you either have style towards everyone or you don't.

What would your wife think about "YOUR" style?

Gosh, fighter, please pull your head outta your §UTT!!!!

Every further time you spend talking or meeting OW is making your situation worse and worse.

I'm thinking of your BS right now. She's "trusting" you 100% because she believes you are her "World" and you're actually talking and meeting an OW behind her back.

Think about this. Think, what will happen to your wife and your baby if she was able to "see" what you are up to.

If you were truely out of the fog, you'd realize this. You wouldn't be doing this.
You wouldn't be doing such "unhonest" things and you surely wouldn't be lying to your wife or is that YOUR style?????

I'm sorry that this is harsch but if your wife knew the truth about what you are up to, she'd probably "drop dead!"

And I mean that seriously!!!!Is the OW really worth this???
You are giving the OW power and you are making her more important than your wife and your unborn little baby.

You actually believe that "meeting her" is "showing style"????

What do you owe OW that your wife and baby don't deserve??????

Please try to clear your mind!!!! STOP ALL CONTACT WITH OW!!!!!!
DON'T MEET HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T EVEN GO CLOSE TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

That would be an act of "Showing style".

Try to see this through the eyes of your wife and unborn baby.
If they were able to see what you were up to what would you tell them???? What would you tell your "baby"?


ummmmm, I'm talking to my x-lover and I'm going to meet my x-lover because I'm a man with style and I have to tell her my thoughts personally.

Fighter, look at yourself in the mirror. Give yourself a good look and think!

Will it honestly make you feel better about yourself to go out behind your wife's back and to meet OW and "chat with her"?????

bb

I guess I share BB's concerns. She knows this is heading for a breakup, and she's already vindictive. This could be a setup of some kind. I just wouldn't trust her.

fighter,

I just had to reply to your post one more time.

Please don't take what I am writting as "pounding onto you".

I'm trying to explain something that is truely coming from my heart.
It's for "YOUR" sake and the sake of your BS for what will come.

The day will come when your BS is going to be confronted with what you have done. It's going to come whenther you want it or not.

Your wife is going to be devasted and her world is going to fall apart, so is she.

She will look back and she will believe that the past was a complete lie.
She will remember the day you heard your babies heart beat for the first time and she's going to believe that it meant absolutely nothing to you.

Everyday of her pregnancy will be looked back as a lie. She will not believe that it meant anything to you and she will have nothing special and precious to look back at.

As a woman I can say that the fondest memories I have ever had was when I look back to the time when I was pregnant. Knowing that the child that was growing in me was the result of our love. I felt so precious. I felt so wonderful and mostly I loved my H more than ever knowing that he saw me as the woman that was pregnant with his child.

We shared so many special moments. The first time the baby started to move inside of me.
I loved it when my husband layed his head on my stomack to feel the movements and I loved it when his warm hands were feeling my stomack and when he gave me the looks that I was his woman and that he was so prowd of me.

These memories will never go away, they will always give me fond memories that I wouldn't want to miss. Never.
I feel so much love when I think about this and the best part of it was that I can think back and I know my husband was connected to me and that his feelings were with me and only with me.

I'm trying to explain to you that every contact that you have with OW will be a black cloud on your wife's pregancy.
She will never have "fond" memories as they will always be shared with the fact that you were not connected with her 100%.

The day you STOP ALL CONTACT with OW the sooner you will have the specialness back into your marriage.
No matter how terrible it was what happened, the day you honestly stop all contact might be able to "save something" within your wife.

fighter, the memories of an affair are scars that BS carry within themselves for the rest of our lives.
You wife wil always have to live with the fact that when you heard the first "heart beat" of your child you were seeing an OW.
How many "fond" memories do you want to destroy within your wife???

The day you honestly stop ALL CONTACT with OW will be the day when you wife will be able to have "fond memories" again without having to live with the fact that a third person was involved.

Please think about this........... The day you "wake up" will be the day that you understand what I am saying.

My WS affair lasted 3 months. From Oct.-Jan.
They shared the most precious holidays. Xmas and New-Years.
When my WS and I were wishing ourselves a "Merry Xmas" my WS thoughts were with OW.
Later that evening we were watching TV. A real "romantic" film. OW had told my WS to watch it and she'd be watching it too. OW told my WS to think about her while he was watching it, she's be doing the same.

And when were were wishing one another a "Happy New Year" my WS thoughts were with OW.
Actually OW told my WS to think of her when he was drinking our New Years Champagne with me. OW told my WS to think about her what she had done to him when they were drinking champagne together. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't think these memories will ever disappear. I will always think about this on Xmas and on New Years. I'd wish the world if I could just forget about this.

So it's up to you what you decide to do.

I also share the idea that you talk with the Harley's. ASAP!!!!!!

bb

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 03:51 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Blondblossom is dead on..

All the traits that you are claiming are good..

The inability to end this with the OW over email or a no-contact letter so you will meet for "closure".. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's nothing but another move of great disrepect and pain to your wife...Think she will/would feel that your actions are the "right thing" to do..or is it just more betrayal...

This meeting is cloaked by you in things you think are valant and the right thing to do...but the right thing to do is to never ever meet one on one with the OW>...

neither of you are trustworthy...

Are you honestly goinig to tell us that this meeting will not include that last hug or last kiss...
where is that turnip truck?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

And when she begs you to say you did love her are going to lie or destroy her...
are you going to say I did have feelings and I did love you...or will it be you meant nothing...

Your action of meeting is nothing but more pain and betrayal to your wife..no matter how you label it...

ARK

Okay, fighter, I don't want you to feel like we're burying you, but bb and ark^^ are right. bb said everything very well. I, too, will think of OW at certain "special" times. I will think, "Did he call her first when he was at work, or did he call me first."

It's very hurtful when you are betrayed like this. Send a NC letter. It's your best bet. It's the honorable thing to do! Don't meet her. Please.

Are you still there, fighter? Talk to us.

fighter,
please give us an update, I'm truely concerned.....

My words were not supposed to "hurt you" nor were they meant to "push you away".

I honestly trying my best to help you, gosh, fighter............come on

bb

Blondblossom - YOU ROCK!

Your advice is dead on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd like some comments on this from people that have been through this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fighter:
We've all been through this - that's why we're here!!!!

You want comments - you're getting them - but you are still in the fog and aren't listening.

Remember when you asked your mom why you couldn't do whatever stupid/dangerous/expensive/nerdy thing you wanted to do? What did she say? "Mom's know best." "Because - that's why".

You're going to be saying this to your baby in no time at all!

So listen to US when we say it - we KNOW best. We've BEEN there.

1. Write the NC letter and have her sister meet her at the appointed time tonight to give it to her.

2. Meanwhile, Call the Harley's now:
Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639

You need professional advice about telling your wife. You've exposed her and the unborn baby to the possiblity to STDs.

And if you think you haven't = pop on over to the recovery board where there's a thread all about how many people got STDs from the OP.

This is a tricky sitch and you need pro help now!!!

Come all the way out of the fog and do what is right!!

Enough of the 2x4!
DB

Fighter,

I have held off on responding to your thread, but I do so today because, well because a year and a half ago, my H was in your shoes and perhaps my telling you how things unfolded will help in some small way.

My H&#8217;s A was with a coworker, they both tried to break it off many times, but then the emails would start again, and therefore the A continued. I knew nothing about it due to circumstances that I won&#8217;t go into here, suffice it to say that we were blessed with a pregnancy that we BOTH wanted. When I was 4 months along, he confessed. In part bc he couldn&#8217;t understand why he was still in an EA and he just couldn&#8217;t get out. The ow and him had lots of &#8216;closure&#8217; conversations, but often something was said that would pile on the guilt and they continued. She was extremely upset that he told me, so he tried to placate her&#8230;.several months later I found emails. And even then ow tried to get closure for several more months. Do you see the path you may tread if you continue contact of any kind? H tried to do the &#8216;civil&#8217; thing at work, but this encouraged her and frankly was disrespectful to myself, our older D and the child I was carrying, it made the pain worse.

I guess what I am trying to get across is that you have to determine who is the primary R and do all in your power to respect, cherish and honour it. By letting down the op in the manner you are doing is only for your benefit and the ops.

True colours come out in these situations; the op&#8217;s, and yours. So what colour do you want to show to yourself, your wife and your child. What lessons do you want your sweet child to learn. While he/she may never know about you&#8217;re a the lessons you learn the actions you take will be present in how you raise him/her.

Someone said that your wife will look back at her pregnancy as a lie if and when she finds out&#8230;.I can understand that bc I felt that way. But this quickly changed, to my pregnancy being a blessing (in the darkest hour of our M we were given His Grace). It was the child I carried that became the truth, became my solace, my joy. The healing started there.

I wish you strength tonight, and clear &#8220;sight&#8221;. May the op&#8217;s words fall on a closed heart, bc I truly believe that she will not give up without a fight.

AG

Ditto, Blond Blossom!
Ditto Ark!
Ditto Stung By a Bee!
Ditto Dazed Blonde!

Fighter:

This forum is full of experiences where either the H or W attempted to end the relationship by being valiant or nice and failed.

While it may not be your style, it's the right thing to do.

I'm especially concerned that your A with OW was not secret and theire are mutual acquaintances. It's only a matter of time before your W finds out, if you do not confide in her first. Write the letter give it to OW and show confide in your W, or be prepared to show it to her if she finds out before.

Peace.

Fighter,

Give us an update on how you're doing.

If you did see OW liast night I would guess that you and she had "goodbye sex". You both could justify this because that's a line you've already crossed (nothing new done wrong).

Or even worse you might be back where you started: OW or W?

I hope I'm wrong.

You should be prepared for the possibility that your head is NOT clear. Not by a long shot. Your first "madly-in-love-with-soul-mate" post was only 10 days ago. Each time you see OW you are going to get TOTALLY fogged up again. Those powerful emotions you describe in your first post take more than a few days to clear.... doesn't matter how strong, educated, down-to-earth, levelheaded, or in-control you think you are.

Each time you see OW you are back to square one.

***That is what NC is all about.***

fighter, update us.

Did you meet with her? If you did, what happened?
How's your wife?
How are you?

Remember that we care. We're not here to judge you. Want to help you. It also helps us when we hear from WS.

(On a side note, my H has broken it off with OW! I'm very happy right now. I accept him as he is. Your wife will, too, I bet.)

fighter,

Come on, give us an update, the TRUTH.

Are we dogmeat or what? Go back and read my posts to you. Could you please answer my ? about OW?

I just have a feeling for this. My FWS ow did not give a #### for me. And it still hurts. ow did all she could to destroy me. Does she have any feeling for what is going on, (baby, etc.) or is it all about op. Oh, and of course, you, because there is still contact.

So what
is up????

Miss M

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

fighter, darlin' ... How are you? Are you OK? Please check in with us. Concerned here.

Does anyone else feel let down here? This has been such a helpful thread for me. Wish fighter would check in with us. Maybe he feels we are attacking him. Know that is not what we are doing. I am just trying to understand how my husband may feel and what he may be thinking. It will help in our recovery.

Fighter, please respond........

Fighter must do as he thinks best, Stung. You can't be consumed by everyone who decides to check out, whether temporarily or permanently.

Let's wish him the best.

I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect Fighter was unable to go through with the break-up with OW. Some people unfortunately need to hit rock bottom in order to completely emerge from the fog.
I recall seeking IC when I was involved with the OM. I initally sought help with good intentions. I was beside myself with guilt; I 'knew' what I was doing was wrong, I felt it was "politically correct" to seek professional help. I essentially went for all the wrong reasons. Unless you truly WANT your marriage to work, you will be resistant to change. Eventually I dropped out of therapy because I couldn't bear NC and was too embarrassed to admit this to the therapist. I chose to continue the affair over my marriage.

Fighter, I hope when you're really ready to end this double existence and recommit to your wife, you'll rejoin the forum for support. You're certainly not the first person to take a few step backwards in the process.