Hi folks, Auto here. I thought I would start a new subject to discuss my little problem. I am no longer afraid that my WW will choose the OM. I have faced up to that demon and with the help of God, refused to permit it to hurt me.

Very briefly, after years of fighting together (Thank God for that!) to keep our drug addicted son alive I found that my wife has a 'soulmate' affair. Son is alive, clean, and well, but marriage is now threatened by this affair. WW will not break of contact with OM who is married. I am in plan A in the hope of convincing WW that she has to much to loose in the affair, and much to gain by staying in this long marriage.

God bless us all.

I didn't see you answering the question about putting the A in the day-light. Have you contact OMW ?. She might be your best allies to check if there is contact.

Soulmate will not break unless the day-light breaks it. This kind of A has to be put under pressure, be that financial or day 2 day realities. It is about misbeleive about OP compares to SO.

-rh-

auto,

I just finished reading your story on JFO.

Like redhat, I am extremely concerned that you have not yet exposed this A. Yes, you have confronted your W, but it appears you stopped there. That is not enough. The OMW must be informed of what is going on. You are going to make no progress until this affair is brought out in the open.

You said in an earlier post that you learned during the problems with your son's drug addiction that the pain of the addiction must be felt for it to end. Auto, the same holds true here. Right now your W and the OM are feeling no pain at all. You are Plan A'ing her...that makes her comfortable. And she is getting her "fix" from the OM.

Until you expose this A to the light of day by telling people who are in a position to influence them - siblings, if ther are any, the pastor at your church, the members to whom he was introduced, and by all means (first) the wife of the OM. By injecting a little discomfort into their love nest, the pure joy and fantasy starts to wither. Think about it: no longer are their little chats all lovey-dovey..now they chat about so-and-so knowing, what the OMW said, etc. As long as they are talking about something other than love talk, the relationship is starting to go south.

I understand this is not an easy thing for you to do. It takes tremendous courage. But if you do not do this, your W may just keep on cake-eating. Are you prepared to continue to live your life like this or do you want your wife back into a monogamous marriage?

Prayers for you to find the strength you need to take these steps.

*S*

Auto, I concur with redhat and *sparkle*!! I too was given the same advice as I was in your situation. It's true, my H told me that unless she walked away from him he was going to try to manage two relationships. My telling the OWH was the thing that stopped the affair.

Hope

OK, OK! Anybody else care to pile on?

Auto,

So...what is the answer? Are you going to expose?

*S*

Auto - Time to fight the good fight.

I had hoped that OM would tell his wife just as my WW told me. That appears to be what they decided, but OM has not done anything yet.

I know I should out them. But, I am weak. I appreciate your advice and support, but I must have some time to gather the strength to do this. Thanks again to all who have helped. Please don't give up on me. I just need time.

Ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> = (Orchid holding her breathe - don't take too long). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Well folks, life has a way of interfering with the best plans. Having finally decided to call the OM's wife, I arrived home from work to find my former drug addict son waiting for me. He had BIG news! He has enlisted in the Marines! To make along story short, he found himself floundering with a rather poor HS education (his fault, not the school's) and tempted to go back to drugs. So he decided that four years in the Marines will focus his life. I give him credit for the decision, but he also thinks he will spend at least part of next year in Iraq.

Thanksgiving weekend will be the last time we see him for at least four months. I don't want him going to basic training carrying our load with him. There will be time to tell him when he is done with it.

For many years I held off confronting my WW due to my son's addiction and the fight to overcome it and save his life. We (and the 'we' must include my WW) won that one. So a few more weeks of holding is not big deal.

By the way a big thanks to JL for his comments to Mortarman about letting his wife go and letting God work on her. That will make my decision to out the A much easier to do even if WW does decide to move out. Thanks JL that made great sense.

Hi Auto,

Understand completely. You must be very proud of your son for this courageous decision.

My prayers for all of you. Keep us posted. You're right to wait, IMO.

*S*

Thanks *sparkle*. Funny how we BS's end up doing what we have to do, what we believe is right even when it hurts us.

Oh, I have decided to move my D-Day date. I have moved it from the month I discovered the A to the month that I finally woke up and admitted the reality of it. That was the month my wife left me to spend a weekend with the OM over my dissaproval. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

OK, hit me with a 2x4 for being so stupid. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Tell OM's wife. Now. There is no time. I don't think your W will be eager to share with her son. Moreover, she has time to get herself back under control before Thanksgiving.

Send OMW an email, if you must. There's a thousand ways to do it. Send her an email saying you need to talk to her. Make a phone call. Send a singing telegram.

Put some pressure on OM. He's had time to tell his W. He hasn't. So you throw him off-balance. There's no reason you need to tippy-toe around these people.

You can tell your pastor, family -- lots of people -- without involving son.

If W chooses to involve S -- that will be her decision, not yours. And not a very wise one.

weird duplicate message several hours later.

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Called OM's wife. Here is the long and short of it. She has been going to IC for about a year. One of the reasons is the OM's EA with my wife. She knew of the A, but did not know it had become a PA. Given their behavior it does not surprise me that she knew.

She is afraid of divorce. Of the four people involved, she is the oldest and very near retirement. The thought of starting over scares her as she and OM do not have much in the way of financial resources. Cut it in 1/2 and she has very little.

It is no wonder the OM is such an arrogant jerk. He knows his wife is scared of being single, and on her own so near retirement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ December 02, 2003, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

auto - Yay for you, good job. If your son goes to Camp Pendleton, that's where I live. I will have him over for dinner. Anyway back to the battle. You have been doing well in Plan A. How long has it been? I'm in Plan B now almost 8 weeks and H and OW are living together. Plan B is very quiet. Hope you are holding up OK and hanging in there.

I have been doing a Plan A for about 4 weeks. Things are calm at home but WW will not break off contact with OM. We are still stalled at that point. Since OM lives out of town she has not seen him so there has been no physical contact, but I am sure there has been plenty of communication. I will probably plan A for several more months or until she sees him again on one of her work related trip to the company HQ (the usual excuse for them to get together since her trips take her to the city where he lives).

She is delaying facing up to this problem. She won't see a counselor or our Pastor. I suspect she believes they will tell her what we know; She must break off contact with the OM. She does not want to do that. The A has gone on for years and it is very strong.

My WW seems to be pretending like the A doesn't exist. Sometimes I have to go back through my journal to reinforce the reality, that these things did happen. For WW it's business as usual.

When I tell her how much some of the things she does hurt me her response is a simple "I'm sorry" as though I am telling her that I pricked my finger on a rose thorn.

Often I feel like the pet dog mentioned by JL.