WH and OW along w/her kid are living together. There is a good chance that I will end up meeting face to face with OW for first time this weekend.

I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for this day for the past few months but the time has not come yet. However, I know it will eventually happen and I haven't asked people on MB this question yet. So, what should the first words I say be and do I reach my hand out to greet her? How do I keep myself from crying until after the meeting is over?

My plan on my own is to look her in the eyes, saying hi, nice to meet you and finally put a name to a face, and to treat her as generous as I can possibly do w/o hurling. I know for sure not to LB, no matter WHAT..... I've learned that lesson the hard way.

If anyone has any suggestions or good/bad experiences with the 1st time meeting that I may learn from, please, fire away!!!

Thanks.
FF

I keep hoping and praying that I do not come face to face with the OW. I'm not sure what I would do. It would not be pretty for either one of us.

Just my 2cents to you. I would avoid meeting her at all costs. There is no reason that you have to put yourself in that situation. She is not worth the ground that you walk on.

Are you kidding? Shake the hand of your enemy? This woman is destroying your life. She wants you to die.

Stay away from her!!!!! Make him come alone to somewhere to pick up your kids if you have to. Don't let your children be around her if that is the issue. I don't know your whole story, FOREVER. but don't do this to yourself.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

ff, I wouldn't say, "Nice to meet you," because I would assume if you don't mean it. I would just say "It's good to finally put a face to a name." Shake her hand and be pleasant.

I did meet OW and her H, but I didn't know anything about A at the time. I liked her a lot as well as her H. My H also liked her H. We couldn't be friends now, but if there hadn't been an A they would be good couple-friends of ours. Too bad we're in the sitch we're in...

As far as you, you need to stand on the high ground here. Show her that in the face of all this turmoil she and your H have put you through, you will be a better person for it. She won't be able to ruin your life, you will go on.

It appears that you are not in Plan B. Do you think it's time to move to that if they're living together? Just something to ponder.

Be strong! You can do this!!!

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]</small>

You don't have to meet her.
If you do, you don't have to say much. Be business like.
You don't have to say, "nice to meet you".

Well, when my OW was around, I was in a sitch where I had to see them constantly in public. I refused to "see" her. Look past her, as if she were air. She might as well be!

"Good to put a face to a name" -- wow! what a line!

Killing her with kindness does have a certain appeal, but but it isn't "nice" for you to meet her, nor "nice" to see her.

Why are you having to meet her? If he's picking up the kids, he should do it without her. Have you talked to your lawyer about specifiying that your children don't spend the night in visitation if there is a person of the opposite sex also spending the night? Some states/judges will in fact rule this way.

Similar to AM Martin, I ignore the FOW when I attend the same events. We met long ago, had one telephone conversation during the PA through which I found out H was telling her he was in the divorce process--I told he had yet to see a lawyer and I had never been served with D papers.

I think if anyone ever tried to engage me in a conversation with the FOW at any of these work socials, I'd say "I know who she is" and walk away. But in reality, in 3 1/2 years of recovery and seeing her 3-4 times a year, she's never come near me.

Whatever you do, hold your head up, appear at your best, and keep your composure.

Mimi1254, Stung by a Bee, Chris_CA123,
A.M. Martin, & Lor,

Thank you for the replies.

Hi, if you want to know my whole story, you can visit recent thread "How LBing got me arrested, How do I reconcile now", which is about a few days old now, which gives an update of my situation.

My WH has already introduced OW and her kid to our kids. Whenever he has visitation, WH and OW carry on as if they are a family.

We were in Plan B for a short time, and now, we only speak regarding kid issues for the most part.

Lor, my WH, our kids and I am only assuming OW & kid are all going away for weekend and I anticipate WH will be dropping kids off on his way back to his place on Sunday.

As for addressing the visitation overnight, I did voice my opposition to my atty. saying WH is creating an immoral atmosphere and I don't want this situation to occur. Atty. said understood, but there's really nothing I can do about it at this time (temp. papers haven't even been signed). My kids have already gotten to know both OW and kid and have been around them several times and also for overnight visitations.

I will keep you informed what happens if/when it does.

FF

Well, it is looking more like it that OW and her kid will be with WH when he drops off our kids this Sunday.

WH used the word WE two time w/in the span of an hour tonight. He said WE will have the kids home by xxx time on Sunday.

I was doing great emotionally until a bad day yesterday, and now this. I'm not sure how I will proceed with this issue, but hopefully it will come to me through prayer.

FF

This is what I do. X drops the kids off with her in the car nearly every time. I stay inside and she stays in the car while X brings the kids in. I TOLD my X that she was not to set one toe on my land, and I told him that I did not want a scene in front of the kids and that is why she should not come near me. So far they have complied.

Call your X and tell him the same thing. Tell him that you need to do this to protect yourself from more hurt, and it is a boundary you insist they do not cross. She can sit in the car...drop off only takes a minute.

Love and light,

Jacky

Hey, Forever, been there, done that! Two days after he left me to shack up with OW, he was leaving "we" messages on the answerphone, having the kids to dinner at "our" house (his kids over 18, so nothing I could do! my kids left out of the deal).

Well, now that OW has headed for the hills in a faraway land, all this brazen "we" language is kind of funny. It wasn't "our" house -- it was hers. And she can throw him out on his patootie by email now, if she wants. Pretty humiliating, I expect. But it's not my humiliation this time.

So be patient. Bide your time. And politely refuse to "see" the OW, even if she's in-yo-face.

All this "we" language may come back to bite him ... in the patootie, of course!

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Nina Too & A.M. Martin,

Thanks for the tip Nina. I will think about it. Hopefully it doesn't even happen. If I do call him and leave message or talk to him, it will confirm his suspicion that this issue is all I have thought about since the moment he said it. For this reason, I don't want to give him the satisfaction that I definitely heard it and am thinking about it. Therefore, I may not say anything right now, nor will I step out of the house. I will have to see how things go.


A.M. Martin,

I hope you are right about it coming back to bite him. I was just caught off guard by the remarks.

Thanks,
FF

Well, it will be happening tomorrow. OW will be with WH when he drops off our kids Sunday after his weekend.

I had a rocky day today, but am back to wanting to go for it and purposely greet OW and WH and show them I am the one here with the integrity, dignity, morals, independence (WH does not do well living alone he says; thus dependency on women), and show WH my life will move forward with or w/o him. Hopefully I get the reaction (either immediately or in due time) I wish for, which is sadness, guilt, shame, and of course jealousy, all on his part.

What do you all think of the tentative plan? I believe I can do this and will do what is necessary to make it through it.

Thanks,
FF

U R the smarter one. Looking towards the future by your plans and actions. It is a harder road but one with better results than your H.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

I will reply again late tonight to let you know how it goes.

May God be with me during the greeting.

FF

I am not one much for pretentension or game playing. IMO it is silly to avoid someone simply cause the circumstance will be uncomfortable. At the very least this person is a factor in your kids lives, and that alone is sufficient reason to meet her, talk to her, and try to craft some kind of dialog.

Beyond that motivation is your desire (I assume) to recover your marriage....if that is true, then all the "intelligence" you can get is valuable....that certainly includes reconaissance of the enemey....direct interaction can reveal all sorts of useful stuff.

Lastly is your own personal well-being. IMO you are divorced, your H has moved from the home and taken another woman....he may come back or not (and you may take him back or not), but in the interim it makes sense not to be reactionary to this woman (by avoiding her, you give her power over you...so to speak). So treat her (for the most part) as if you are divorced, and because of the connection you both have to the same man, practice basic civility, and such....and set such boundaries as are required for your well-being....ie if she behaves herself, don't you start fights etc. You may also come to find out she isn't the "monster" you think (or if she is, then you know for sure)... but just another human being with good and bad points....

As for the actual encounter....I am a strong advocate of taking the high road, and playing cards close to my vest. If hostility is not happening, I would seek a brief but deliberate encounter to accomplish the following things.

1. eyeball to eyeball contact and introductions, she needs to know you are not just someones "wife"...but "karen" a real human being. Likewise you need to know she is not some mythical ow.

2. An assessment of someones demeanor/intent....is she hostile, evasive, forthright, possessive, etc. etc. much can be discerned about someones intent from an intial encounter... assuming you control yourself and don't go off on her...but make it safe and draw her out.

3.An opportunity to attempt to discern and set guidelines re your children's well-being, and establish you want her to let you know directly anything she feels of concern about your kids.

4. It also sends your H a message about your ability to handle yourself without him. This is a message of strength and is attractive. It also indirectly encourages him to be more open about his relationship with this ow, something that may be advantageous to you.

Have a plan FF, and carry it out. Say little about yourself or your feelings, instead try to find out all you can, and get your agenda on the table.

I would not say nice to meet you, or any such, that is a lie, and dishonest and makes people more likely to be wary. I would say something to the effect this is awkward, but that you don't seek confrontation and want to open lines of communication between all of you for the benefit and well-being of the kids. I would not talk about relationship issues, if she offers she is sorry about what has happened, don't argue, acknowledge the remorse (thx for saying that, but what is done is done, what is important is where we go from here). I think it is ok to ask what their intent is, acknowledging that continuing on in a kind of limbo is not really ok...ie divorce, seperation (and the custody/financial issues etc.). Also any discussions about visititation would be useful. I do think it is ok to note people will do whatever they want, but it really isn't appropriate to live together while married to someone else.

If possible, and you are ok with it, I woild invite them in for this discussion, rather than the front yard, or arrange to meet soon on some neutral ground.

Good luck, do not be afraid, formulate a plan and carry it out, you will feel better about yourself and less helpless...that is good for you.

sufdb,

Thank you so much for the help on the plan or points that will need to be accomplished.

Although I don't believe all of it can or should be accomplished in the first contact, over the next few times of kid exchanges will have to suffice as I can probably handle only a short period of time at once to be around her at first.

Also, I am looking to give my WH just little glimpses of the new and improved, more calm me.

I will write tonight to let you know how it goes.

Thanks again,
FF

Well, sufdb has an interesting POV, and I would appreciate other people's opinions on this.

IMO, you are not divorced. The OW is likely to be temporary, and you can't be friends with all your H's OWs, past, present, and future.

I would still avoid her. Being calm doesn't mean giving in. You can still smile to H and be nice during exchange -- but no one should have to eat spiders.

I am not surprised that sufdb has a different pov, since he has often stated that he believes marriage is no more than a day by day commitment.

There is absolutely no reason to meet the OW. She has no call to set foot on your property. Speaking to her grants her more respectability than she deserves.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> Well, sufdb has an interesting POV, and I would appreciate other people's opinions on this.

IMO, you are not divorced. The OW is likely to be temporary, and you can't be friends with all your H's OWs, past, present, and future.

I would still avoid her. Being calm doesn't mean giving in. You can still smile to H and be nice during exchange -- but no one should have to eat spiders. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In case it wasn't clear, my point was not to be friends in any shape, manner, or form....the points were about what best serves FF's goals (1. her childrens well-being... 2. marital restoration)...and there is absolutely no benefit in ignorance....know your enemy is the first rule of coming out the winner.

There is this misplaced notion that one must act emotional and visit whatever emotion one feels on someone....so what if a bs is angry with an op, unless expressing that anger (physically or verbally) is going to get you a positive outcome (instead of a negative outcome) why would one act with rancor? It makes no sense at all, likewise avoiding someone solely cause they annoy you is senseless, if there is something to gain by an interaction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong> I am not surprised that sufdb has a different pov, since he has often stated that he believes marriage is no more than a day by day commitment.

There is absolutely no reason to meet the OW. She has no call to set foot on your property. Speaking to her grants her more respectability than she deserves. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">nellie, that is not quite accurate. Marriage has to be chosen everyday, you choose to stay, you choose to leave....it is only a statement of the obvious, we are beings with freewill. Everytime you have a conflict you make a choice to work it out, or leave, everyone does, even you....and everyone has a boundary where they will leave....even you.

I gave my reasons for what I think FF can gain from interacting with this woman, but if she sees no gain, I agree with you 100% she owes her nothing, and I fully support requiring her to stay away from her "property".

nellie, if your husband was fully supporting you financially, and co-parenting your children equally....would you still be so angry? Regardless of how you two fit, and whether it was or could (or could not) be a safe/healthy/nurturing/joyous relationship does not release him from reasonable obligations which IMO he has been eggregiously remiss in honoring. You have been sorely used nellie. The only real difference between us is I do not think forcing people to stay together (live in marital intimacy) is a good thing...it needs to be a choice, and that choice needs to substantially enhance the well-being of both people....otherwise what purpose is there in being married? Might as well live alone.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>