Ive been with my husband for almost 4 years
We have 4 kids between us
My husbands ex-wife is determined to keep termoil in our lives

She's never excepted that her former husband has moved on with his life with me and now she is always using thier kids to cause conflict

Ive always shown interest in my step childrens schooling and now Im being told by my husband that in order to pacify his ex-wife its best that I dont get involved in my step childrens schooling/activities/etc...as long as she's there

I am hurt by this

I look at it this way....its just another way of his ex wife to make me feel unimportant and excluded....

When in fact when she needs me to take care of her children I'm always there

Is it wrong of me to be upset that my husband allows his ex-wife to control are lives?


Summer Brooks

Summer,

Blended families are tough. I assume you and your husband have custodial custody of your H's children. I was in the same situation having two daughters from previous marriage that lived with us. Like you my exW tried to cause turmoil in our lives through the girls, but I always supported my W. It was her I had to live with and it was her that I chose to be my partner. Your H is trying to play both sides of the fence and will only loose in the end. If your playing the mom role in your household then your H needs to support you in that role. You need to create a stable and safe environment for your family and your H is undermining that effort. Tell your H that he needs to support you 100%. Actually you shouldn't have to tell him that he should know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"When in fact when she needs me to take care of her children I'm always there"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Calmly, respectfully and quietly convey to your H that since he wants it that way that you are no longer going to take care of his children when the need arises. Afterwards, leave him alone to ponder your words. If he is smart he will see the need to develop a backbone so that he can stand up to his XW and to support you fully.

Hi Summer,

Are you by chance the "other woman" that had an affair with the husband before he divorced his ex and married you? I wasn't sure since you posted here on the *Infidelity board but didn't mention any affairs.

I agree that it doesn't seem right for her to use the children to create problems in the marriage. She must still have some anger issues BUT if a woman had an affair with my husband who then divorced me and then married that other woman, I would be eternally angry and sickened by the idea that my children were with her. I would have really big issues with that.Probably forever.

Anyway,if that's not the case, I apologize.

October

I don't feel my husband has ever supported me when it comes to his ex-wife...

I cant even talk to my husband anymore about my feelings about the whole situation, without him exploding at me.....

I mean he wants to make sure his ex-wife is pacified for the kids sake and I can understand that, so the kids don't get hurt...but she places the kids in the middle anyways

And to heck with my feelings

I dont want conflict for the children either,but my feeling is that he's causing it by not standing up for me or himself

I believe that is why she does what she does...

My husbands ex-wife got all bent out of shape when she noticed I was the one that filled out the papers for the teachers conference,when infact my step-daughter brought me the papers to fill out and not her dad

They went to the techers conference together,I stayed home

Also there was a assignment my step daughter had to do for class that my step-daughter had to fill out a family history and she had put down her siblings and she put down her step-brothers and sisters and my husband ex-wife had the nerve to crubble the assignment up.....what does that tell ya?


I cant except the fact that he hasnt enough back bone to stand up to his ex-wife and defend me as his wife and step-mother of these children for 3 1/2 yrs

I can except her stupdity/jealousy But

I cant except the way my husband is doing it

October Im not that woman.....I met my husband after his divorce

Ok, Thanks for letting me know!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They went to the techers conference together,I stayed home</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course - they are the child's parents, not you - how can you possibly object to them going to the teacher's conference?

The only people who have any right to be involved in teacher conferences and other school meetings (other than school personnel of course) are the biological or adoptive parents, or legal guardians. You have no right to intrude.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They went to the techers conference together,I stayed home</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course - they are the child's parents, not you - how can you possibly object to them going to the teacher's conference?

The only people who have any right to be involved in teacher conferences and other school meetings (other than school personnel of course) are the biological or adoptive parents, or legal guardians. You have no right to intrude. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree. She is married, she is helping raise his children. When the children are in her care, they are to do what she says. Therefore I think she has a right to be involved in every part of their life. She sounds like she truly cares about the children, and I think it IS her business. And her husband should put her feelings before his ex-s. Or he is going to end up with 2 exs.

Nelli I never said once that they werent thier children

And I also never said I rejected my husband and his ex going together to the conference

I was just saying, why I couldnt be included

You twisted my words...go back and read it again

So what your saying is that when my step-daughter brings her home work to me I shouldnt intrude?

Also when the school calls me because my husbands ex-wife put me down on the emergency contact,I shouldnt intrude?

My brother has had a stepchild since she was 3. Her real dad sees her every other weekend, maybe, and didn't pay child support for a while. But based on what Nellie said, I guess my brother isn't a dad to her either?? Even though she lives in his house, and he does all the things a dad is supposed to do. Yes, both parents should be involved, but why is the stepmom left out in the cold?

What Im saying is why make it harder than what it already is

Being a step-parent is hard enough

Why is it that some ex's only think of themselves, instead of the children?

It all comes down to the children

Nelli sounds like she is full of anger

I'm wondering if she is in a similar situation

A responsible, decent new wife/husband should do everything possible to avoid stepping on the toes of the first wife/husband, especially when it comes to the children. Child-related issues are between the father and the mother, ONLY.

In my state, the school will not share information about a child with anyone other than the biological (or adoptive) parents. This is as it should be. Even if the parents wish to share information with a doctor or counselor, a written release must be provided.

Emergency contact information is irrelevant. I put my next door neighbor down as an emergency contact. She is a very nice lady, and I am sure she would do an excellent job of caring for my child if she got sick and I couldn't be reached, I sure wouldn't expect her to come to my teacher's conference.

As long as the biological/adoptive parents are both still in the picture, all educational, medical and other child-related matters are between them. No one else has a right to intrude.

If the child asked you to fill out a form that is intended for the parent, the appropriate response is to tell the child that the father needs to fill it out. It perhaps reflected poor judgment on the child's part to ask you to fill it out, but children can not be expected to exercise good judgment all the time - that is what differentiates children from adults.

It seems to me that you threatened by the relationship your H has with the mother of his children, reflected especially in your strong negative response to their attending a teacher conference together, without you. You knew he had kids when you married him - if you weren't willing to accept the fact that he will always have a relationship with his first wife, you shouldn't have married him.

Of course I feel strongly about this. And no, even though my H's OW has done her best to change my H's core beliefs about child-rearing, and even though she does not allow him to come to back to school nights (he did come to one, because he was able to avoid telling her about it till afterwards), she has not come to teacher conferences or plays, etc.

Nellie,
I disagree with you completely. Stepparents DO have rights, and that is what should be part of the POJA between the husband and wife. The current one, not the former one. Summer did not have a problem with them going to the parent/teacher conference, she had a problem with not going herself. She is actively involved in those children's lives- she is not a next door neighbor. You have to remember - she is NOT the OW- she is his WIFE. She did not set out to destroy the first marriage- she was not even in the picture- so I don't think you should compare her to your H's OW>

I assume we are supposed to be concerned about the well-being of the child...right? This isn't about bio/step parents rights (those are legal issues anyways)...To that end, it seems appropriate that all interested parties be involved in a child's life, and that be the only relevant criteria. I can easily envision circumstances where the bio parent should NOT go to a parent teacher conference, and their presence actually reduce the performance of the child...

This is about the child, heck the teacher is there, and they are not a parent....just an interested party. A step parent plays a crucial role in a child's development and should be involved (if worthy) in every single aspect of a childs life....bio parents do not own their children, and have no special value simply by biology to their well-being, it depends on their wothiness as human beings, and skills as a parent.

adgril48
Nellie is correct ,I live in Ohio ,and here the courts say a stepparent has no rights.They suggest that the stepparent stay out of things ,which includes teacher confrences.Emergency contacts for the school to call,can be anyone the parents list,but just because someone is listed as a contact,does not give them rights to attend school meetings such as teacher conferences.

Summer Brooks
I can understand where you are comming from on this,as I have a similar sitiution.I am a divorced father of 2 kids.I also got remarried to a great lady with kids of her own,and am tryin my best to blend the 2 families.Let me just say its not been easy.On 1 hand I have my new wife ,which I care for greatly,and on the other I have my ex.Both of them have different views on how to rasie kids,whats right,whats wrong,and whats best for the kids.My new wife feels threatend my by ex because of the things she does and she also feels my ex still wants me back and her out of my life.My ex wife feels threatend by my new wife for some reason,maybe she feels the kids like my new wife better,maybe its because my new wife is more involved with the kids then my ex is/was.To this im not sure,all I know is it makes it very hard on me being in the middle.I get problems for both,my new wife accuses me of having no backbone and says I wont stand up to my ex,but she doesnt stop to think that I have to deal with my ex ,that I have to know when and what to say to her.Because I have split time with my kids,and I have a ex that wants to use the kids as a way to get her way.I get threats of being suied and not being able to see my kids for my ex,when she isnt getting her way on something.As far as a reason of why I dont stand up to her thats easy,anytime I say anything to my ex about the kids,no matter what the topic is ,I am wrong,she gets defencive,takes anything I say as a attack agingst her,that I dont thikn she is doing something right or handeling things right,and it ends in a arguement.Which my ex dont care weither or not the kids see or hear,and all it does is hurt the kids.So im stuck,how do I talk to someone who wont/cant have a civil conversation? Now with my new wife,and getting accused of not standing up to my ex,the problems comes from the fact ,that I cant seem to get her to understand these facts.Why I dont know,I wish I did.I wish she could accept the fact that I chose to speak up depending on what I percive in my ex as a good mood,and less chance of it turning into a arguement.Because that never gets anything accomplished ,other then me leaving insted of argueing with her.So maybe you need to rethink a few thing,try and understand that he has to keep peace on 2 fronts,which isnt easy.Try looking at his point of views on issues,giving him support insted of greif because dont feel he stands up for you in the way you think he should.Remeber He chose to be with you and marry you.He more then likely knew it wasnt going to be easy,but He Chose You,and Chose to be with You,to try and blend the 2 families the best he could.So if this means you have to sit back sometimes,then sit back,give him the time and space he needs to work thing out ,without telling him what he should be doing,because that is only your opinion,your point of view,and might cause conflict between you and him

Of the three, Summer Brooks has the least emotional investment in the child, and therefore should defer to the wishes of mother in matters pertaining to the child.

If the child had cancer, and the parents had to decide between alternative treatment plans, would the step-parent have any say in the decision - of course not. Grandparents may be involved in their grandchildren's lives, but they do not normally attend parent-teacher conferences. Only two people - the parents - have legal standing in these matters.

The comment of the poster that the teacher was there was inane - of course the teacher was present; otherwise it wouldn't be a parent-teacher conference, would it? A conference where both parents and one or more step-parents were there would be extremely awkward, to say the least, for all involved, including the teacher - not to mention that she wouldn't be able to say anything about the child without written permission of both parents, unless she wanted to risk being sued and/or fired for violating confidentially regulations.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong> Of the three, Summer Brooks has the least emotional investment in the child, and therefore should defer to the wishes of mother in matters pertaining to the child.

If the child had cancer, and the parents had to decide between alternative treatment plans, would the step-parent have any say in the decision - of course not. Grandparents may be involved in their grandchildren's lives, but they do not normally attend parent-teacher conferences. Only two people - the parents - have legal standing in these matters.

The comment of the poster that the teacher was there was inane - of course the teacher was present; otherwise it wouldn't be a parent-teacher conference, would it? A conference where both parents and one or more step-parents were there would be extremely awkward, to say the least, for all involved, including the teacher - not to mention that she wouldn't be able to say anything about the child without written permission of both parents, unless she wanted to risk being sued and/or fired for violating confidentially regulations. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, maybe a little inane. I don't know that there is any big disagreement about all this. If a child has two equally competent involved parents, the step-parent may not need to "attend", but simply nurture and support the child's educational goals when they are present. The "awkwardness" trumping any benefit to the step-parent attending...but there is no reasons not to, if both of the bio-parents are ok with it. But whatever is done, it should be a focus on the best solution for the child, perhaps everyone can agree on that point.