Don't normally post here, but the title caught my eye (prob. since I have an ex-spouse!).

I completely agree with Nelly and don't believe she's saying these things out of any anger. I didn't have any children with my ex-husband so don't have to worry about this, BUT I know that IF I did and if he remarried, I would not like the fact that my kids had a stepmom. I cannot imagine any parent who enjoys "sharing" their child with a stepparent. I can only imagine how hard it is for birth parents to have to know that a stepparent (and more than likely, a stepparent who hates them... the birth parent) is trying to be a "mom" or "dad" to the kids.

SUFB said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....bio parents... have no special value simply by biology to their well-being, it depends on their wothiness as human beings, and skills as a parent.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's simply ridiculous. Bio parents DO have "special value" simply for the fact that they birthed their children! Their DNA is in that child. That child has a flesh-and-blood bond with them that a stepparent can never have. Now, that's not to say that a stepparent can't have a good relationship with them, but they won't have that flesh-and-blood tie that ties us to our parents and siblings in a unique way.

I think if any of you have children, then you could put yourself in her (the bio mom's) shoes. If your spouse remarried, how would you feel about the stepparent? Who would you want to be at the conference? You or the stepparent?

Granted, perhaps they all could've gone in Summer's case, but I also think the mother's desires should be respected... simply because she is the mother. It doesn't matter if she is a "bad" or "good" mother in Summer's eyes. She is their mother and unless Summer has primary custody of the children or if that mom is in jail for child abuse or something like that, then Summer needs to respect the mother's position in her children's life.

Stepfamilies have unique dynamics and are far different than nuclear families. That is why remarriages have such a high divorce rate. It is very stressful to blend a family and it simply is much different than the nuclear family. The remarriages that are successful understand this.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

The following is verbatim from a website called "LawforKids.org."


Question 67: What rights do stepparents have in the care of step-kids?

Answer: Stepparents have no specific rights over their stepchildren. The biological parent has decision-making authority over the children in all matters related to the child's health and upbringing. In other words, the stepparent can't consent to medical care, can't sign paperwork for school, etc.

A stepparent who has acted as parent for a child for a long time, and who is now being divorced from the biological parent, may have some visitation rights if a judge decides the relationship is in the child's best interests.

Even though the stepparent has no rights relative to the child, if the stepparent is a custodian of the child, that adult can make certain control / discipline decisions affecting the child in the absence of a biological parent. A stepmother, for example, who is taking care of the child during the father's absence on a business trip, can set curfew, mealtimes, and other rules that affect childhood discipline while the child is in the care of that adult.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Here is a letter by a woman who has been both stepmom and who's own bio children have had a stepmom. It might help you to get some perspective on your own situation:


"Being a mom, my heart has ached over the 'other mom'. When the divorce was final and we were no longer a happy family, the reality of being a single mom and knowing my children would now have a step-mom hit me hard. The first few months were the most difficult. Travis (my 7 year old) talked about the fun times his dad and his new girlfriend had together with him. All the visits to the park, McDonald's, bumper boats, and other fun places. It made me feel like I wasn't doing enough for the boys. I was lacking in a certain area of 'Mom-dom'. There were times I lashed out at my ex-husband. I am ashamed to say I called his new wife names and degraded her as much as possible once or twice. Afterwards, the sinking feeling of regret came over me. It didn't make me feel better; it didn't change things between the ex and I. All my anger accomplished was a rip, as big as the Grand Canyon, between my ex and I as parents. I couldn't stand to be on the phone with him, much less in his presence. A divorce with children involved doesn't mean one parent gets severed out of the children's lives or replaced.

Eventually, the anger subsided and turned into something positive. I am grateful that the boys have a step-mom who is involved and loving towards them. She takes care of their needs, puts the band-aids on the owies, and makes them feel special. How wonderful it is to know that the children are in good hands when they are away from me! Now, I truly appreciate the choice my ex made.

I am a step-mom now and dealing with the opposite side of 'Mom-dom'. What a change in places! I am now on the other end of being called names and degraded by the ex-spouse. I should be able to let it slide and not let the insults get under my skin. Sounds easy, maybe it is easy for many of the step-moms out there. For me, I wonder why? What did I do to her? Was I too tough on my step-children? I got angry with my husband for not defending me, at least a little bit. My personality is outspoken when I want to be. There have been many times I have defended my husband to the ex. Now, I see that my husband has a quiet demeanor and will pick his battles. This was one that was not worthy of his time and effort. Unfortunately, it has caused a rift between us as parents and as a couple.

When a remarriage occurs with children involved, a feeling of being replaced as a parent washes over you. I saw this with my ex and myself. Now, it is happening again with my husband's ex-wife. The timing is a bit off, but nonetheless it's going on now. We have been married for a year and half now and the boys have made two summer visitations. My stepsons are wonderful and I love them as much as my own sons. When they are here for the school year, Nate (my 11 year old stepson) constantly talks about his mom and the fun places they go and stuff they do. To me, this is a normal everyday topic. Good rule of thumb is to say how great and cool the mom or dad is to do those things.

I know I will never be Nate and Jeremy's mom and I am not trying to be their mom. They already have a good mom, who loves them. Simply put, I am trying to be the best step-mom I can. I am here to state that stepparents are not out to replace the parent who doesn't have custody. We are not competing for our stepchildren's love and attention. No matter how many times our children talk about all the neat things the ex-spouses or stepparents do with them, we don't try to 'one up' them. Stepparents love their stepchildren and will do all we can for all our children.

In divorce and remarriage, the children have it tough enough to adjust to changes and a new family...why should a parent add on to it by being selfish and immature?"

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

lmx, re my comment about bio parents, and your comments....that implies an adoptive parent cannot be as good as or better than a bio parent...do you think that?

If not, then my statement still stands, being a bio parent does not impart anything simply by virtue of DNA, there has to be other "stuff".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lmx, re my comment about bio parents, and your comments....that implies an adoptive parent cannot be as good as or better than a bio parent...do you think that?

If not, then my statement still stands, being a bio parent does not impart anything simply by virtue of DNA, there has to be other "stuff".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A stepparent or adoptive parent can certainly be as good, or "better," a parent as the bio parent; however, it does not negate the bio parent's importance and position in a child's, and adult's life and heart. My stepmom might have have been a far "better" woman than my mother; however, it didn't negate the place my mother had/has in my life.

I was with my dad once when he found an aunt & cousin that he'd never met before. We met them, and my dad was thrilled. He never even had met this woman before but she was special to him simply because of the blood relationship. And vice versa. They acted as if they'd known each other forever. And for ONE reason... the blood relationship that existed between them. My dad didn't inquire into his aunt's life. I don't think he cared a bit about her character, etc. All that matter is that they were related, and he loved her for that reason alone.

My point is... well, you know the saying, "Blood is thicker than water."

I think there are alot of awesome stepparents and adoptive parents out there, but the best stepparents are those who respect the bio parent and who understand that the bio parent most likely isn't too thrilled that their children have a stepparent, and may never be, for that matter. The bio parent will also always be in the child's life (in most cases, not all).

I don't think anyone person that goes into a blended-family marriage intends to take over a mothers and or fathers love,I sure in the heck didn't. Let me remind you that Im also a mother of 4 children of my own.....I love my children as much as I do my step-children...I care and have concern for thier well being rather I'm blood or not....Why should that even be a issue anyways...don't the children in this world of ours need love and guideness....I came here to get advice,not lashed at....Ive been on this earth for 44 years and I was raised in a step-family situation so I do no alittle about the pain that kids go through when thier parents divorce...Why not just try to get along for the children.....

Of the three, Summer Brooks has the least emotional investment in the child, and therefore should defer to the wishes of mother in matters pertaining to the child.

If the child had cancer, and the parents had to decide between alternative treatment plans, would the step-parent have any say in the decision - of course not. Grandparents may be involved in their grandchildren's lives, but they do not normally attend parent-teacher conferences. Only two people - the parents - have legal standing in these matters


Let me response nelli to your opinion above

So what your saying is that you no my feelings towards my step-children,just for the fact that I'm not thier real mother? And that after being a step-mother to them for 4 years,your telling me that I don't have a emotional investment?

How obserd

Ive never forced my step-children to call me anything other than my first name,I don't now where your coming from...But my only suggestion to you is becoming a step-mother first before giving someone some advice....cause it sounds to me like you've not experienced what me and millions of individuals are expierencing when its comes to blended families

And I'd like to also say my husband is raising my two children as his own for 4 years now...my kids only no him has thier father....

And I'd like to also mention my ex wants no part of our childrens lives and that he chooses to be a dead beat dad so in some cases blood isn't thicker than water


Its getting late.....I have more to say at other time......

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: Summer Brooks ]</small>

Had I been steppen on toes....Wouldn't I have went to the conference anyways,knowing that I was advised to stay home just to pacify the ex-wife...No I chose to be a civil adult about it and stay home....

You can not have as much emotional investment in your step-children as do their biological parents - for one thing, their parents have known them longer, obviously.

LoveMyEx makes a very good point about the importance of a biological relationship - the drive to connect with those to whom you are biologically related, particularly parents, children, and siblings, is very strong.

It is very clear that step-parents have very few legal rights when it comes to step-children - not much more than that of a babysitter. It is presumptious as well as illegal to sign medical or educational paperwork. Teachers and medical professionals are required to refrain from sharing confidential information about the child with anyone other than the parent. As a step-parent, ignoring these legal restrictions is very likely to not only result in antagonizing one or more of the biological parents, but also could result in unpleasant legal consequences.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong> You can not have as much emotional investment in your step-children as do their biological parents - for one thing, their parents have known them longer, obviously.

LoveMyEx makes a very good point about the importance of a biological relationship - the drive to connect with those to whom you are biologically related, particularly parents, children, and siblings, is very strong.

It is very clear that step-parents have very few legal rights when it comes to step-children - not much more than that of a babysitter. It is presumptious as well as illegal to sign medical or educational paperwork. Teachers and medical professionals are required to refrain from sharing confidential information about the child with anyone other than the parent. As a step-parent, ignoring these legal restrictions is very likely to not only result in antagonizing one or more of the biological parents, but also could result in unpleasant legal consequences. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This needs some clarification. It is true, and born out by appropriate psychological studies, that there does exist a measureable biologically based bond in human beings, the closer the genetics the closer the bond....not just parent/child but also other kinships. However this bond is modifiable, and a non-bio individual can commit as much (and much more) emotional resources as a bio relative, likewise a bio relative can (and often does) abandon kin relationships, clearly just giving status to a bio relative by default is ill-advised.

Interesting (and disturbing) is that the single biggest risk factor for a young females well-being, is to live with a non-bio male in the household.

I agree that a step-parent should not be granted "status" as readily as a bio-parent, but I don't agree at all that a step-parent is not important, and often more important in a childs well-being than a bio parent, even an involved (but ineffective) bio parent. The situations have to evaluated case by case.

A step-parent, or any other adult, may be able to be a friend or mentor to a child, and may certainly have a positive influence, but as long as both biological parents remain involved in the children's lives, the step-parent cannot and should not attempt to take on a pseudo-parental role.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Interesting (and disturbing) is that the single biggest risk factor for a young females well-being, is to live with a non-bio male in the household.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is unfortunately very true. Evidence for this is extensive. An excellent work on this topic is "The Truth about Cinderella: A Darwinian View of Parental Love," by Martin Daly and Margo Wilson, published by Yale University Press.

I have to disagree with Nellie. He married this woman and asked her to share his LIFE. His children are a part of his life. So that means he can have her use HER money for child expenses of HIS KIDS, have her TIME used on HIS KIDS on the weekends or whenever they are scheduled to be with them, but she isn't to be included in activities or school functions? EITHER YOU ARE HALF WAY IN OR HALF WAY OUT NO IN BETWEEN!
As long as the step-parent knows that the final decisions to be made are made by the BIOLOGICAL PARENTS then their should be no problem. Ex's like the mother in this case are VERY INSECURE and are afraid the kids may love the step-parent more than them.

Thank you trying2_4give

All this really comes down to I believe is my husbands ex-wife is very insecure about herself and very jealous of me...for what reasons I don't know. The only reasons I can come up with is she knew she made a big mistake and she didn't think her ex-husband was going to move on so soon,like he did.
She's the one that walked out and chose to leave the marriage,not him...
And from what I gather she has regret it ever since....
Why make the kids suffer for her mistakes and just except the desicion she made 4 yrs ago and move on with her life

I feel if she was secure about herself,she could except me in her childrens lives....

Every time my husband and I have the kids she drills them for information when she gets them back....Who is making the kids suffer
Isn't it bad enough for the kids to have gone through the divorce than to put the children in the middle

Nellie I wonder if you have any thoughts of your own or do you have to cut & paste all the information your sending me from a site on the net,that Im sure I have already been to and read....

It does not matter one bit whether or not the ex-wife is insecure... unless of course, Summer is perfect. Which I know she's not becuase none of us are. So what good does it do to look at the wife's "flaws"? Don't we all have plenty of our own flaws, weaknesses, problems, insecurities, etc. to deal with? So maybe your stuff is different than hers. That does not for one second diminish or negate the fact that she is these child's mother. Your role is different than hers. Yes, you play a part in their lives but you have to respect the fact that their mother is also very much in the picture. If she doesn't want you at the conference, then she doesn't want you there. That's just the way it is. You can complain, you can fight with her (or husband), or you can accept it and do your best with what you have.

Any wise person knows that by going into a second (or third, fourth...) marriage, they are going to have to deal with problems like bio-parents. Griping about it won't help either. Being proactive, understanding the dynamics of stepfamilies, respecting the bio-mom... those things will help.

Summer, to me, it sounds almost as if you just want to complain about the ex-wife and how incompetent she is. From your words, it is obvius that you view yourself as a better mother than her and thus, you feel that you should have an equal (or bigger) role in the children's life than she does.

You are angry with Nellie (and I'm sure with me after I post this) because this is not what you want to hear. You have only responded to her by discrediting her (comments re: cutting and pasting and having hang-ups 'cause of her experience), but what she has said is in no way rude or confrontational. It has alot of truth to it. Second marriages have VERY high divorce rates (higher than 1st marriages) because people don't understand, don't respect, and dismiss the type of stuff she is saying. If you want your marriage to be a happy and successful one, you have to accept your husband's ex-wife. She has a history with him, she once loved him and he loved her, and she is the mother of these children. She is not going to go away.

I think if could try to put yourself in her shoes, you might realize that you'd feel exactly the same way as she does (did you read the letter I posted by the woman in a similar situation?). Even the most secure women in the world have problems with their ex-husband's wives role in their children's life. Is there any normal man or woman who really wants their kids to have a stepparent?? Just because she doesn't like it, doesn't indicate she is insecure or jealous. She will have to eventally accept you, for her own peace of mind, but what she is feeling is very normal.

You have absolutely zero control over this woman. She is an adult, she has rights, she is independent, and you cannot make her act the way you'd like her to act. You can only accept the way she is and do your best to love the kids with the boundaries you are given. They are her children, but you are also in their lives. You can certainly provide love, friendship, guidance, etc. to them. You can influence them and have a positive role in their lives. I am sure they will respect and love you for it. But you also have to respect that their mother is a part of their lives and always will be (assuming).

You can talk about her insecurities, her failures, her poor mothering, her mistakes, etc. for hours upon hours upon hours... but will anything change? No. And who will be the one who ultimately comes out looking insecure and jealous? Not her.

Sorry if this sounds harsh... but it honestly sounds to me as if you are not wanting to hear anything other than, "You go girlfriend!"

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

LoveMyEx makes a number of excellent points.

Summer, if there is a web site that provides information consistent with what I have posted, please let me know. I would love to visit it. My views are my own. I would not consider engaging in academic dishonesty by posting information without crediting the author. I would never have made it through two master's degrees with that sort of cavalier attitude toward plagiarism.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Summer Brooks:
<strong> Nellie I wonder if you have any thoughts of your own or do you have to cut & paste all the information your sending me from a site on the net,that Im sure I have already been to and read.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was completely uncalled for and very offensive. You may not agree with Nellie, but gratuitous personal insults aimed at those whom you disagree certainly does not make your case and only reflects badly on you. You asked for opinions and you got it. If you only want people to AGREE with you, then quit asking people for their opinions, you might just get what you ask for! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'D LIKE TO APPOLOGIZE TO ANYONE I OFFENDED...THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION....THANKS