Hi - I see they changed to set up since I posted last. A little history of situation-He cheated, not sexual he said, I told him to leave after finding 2 cell phones, I got very upset, especially since he said there was not contract. He went and stayed at her house for 7 weeks, 3 of which she was on vacation and not there. He came back June 28 to me. Only to find another cell phone in July. He said he just forgot to give it back. We are in counseling. He is telling the counselor he is not making contact with her at all, but on Thursday after I went out to play cards, I use a calling card on my phone for long distance and 5 minutes were used and he said no one called or he didn't make any calls. I told him I thought he make a call because I left the phone in a certain position and it was moved, and I know he didn't like it that I did that. I didn't tell him I am checking with the minutes used. He told the counselor before he ever talks or wants to see this O/W again he would tell me and we would possibly go our seperate ways if he still wants to talk and see her. I think he is lying and still conversing with her. Should I just ignore this since its not sexual and hope it fades after awhile????? I hate giving up on 35 yrs. of marriage, but I will never understand WHAT he gets out of talking with her and yet he still wants to be with me?????? Is this a GUY thing or what????? He is impotent by the way and has prostrate cancer too, so I feel he is depressed partially too..... But I would like some opinions at this point...... This will be the 7th time that I am giving him a chance........

Never ignore your feelings and your knowledge. It won't go away and it won't make things better. And don't hide these things from your husband, either.

I'd suggest a calm, courteous, respectful expression of those feelings to him:

"Husband, I feel frightened and anxious because I have checked the calling card and several minutes have been used and you claimed that you hadn't called Other Woman. I am very worried that you haven't been honest with me. How would you feel about telling me what you know abou the phone usage?"

And then comes the hard part: LISTENING, really listening, to what he has to say. Not necessarily to accept it, but instead to gather information.

Ask questions during the conversation, don't make statements: Can you expand on that? Could you explain what that means to you? How about an example of what you mean, there? Remember, you're gathering information, here.

After you've been through the conversation (as calmly as if you were talking about the weather), then write down as much of the conversation as you can remember. Walk away from it for a while, and then go back and review it.

- Are there chaotic statements (things that make absolutely no sense)?

- Are there places where you intuitively believe that he was hiding something from you?

- Are there places where his emotional reactions were way out of proportion to what you were talking about?

- Are there places where YOU made chaotic statements?

- Places where you hid things from him?

- Places where your emotions are out of proportion to what you were talking about?

The answers to these questions will help you decide what to do next.

Do you live in California? Perhaps a tremor moved the position of the cell phone.

Tremor! Now that sounds like something my H would say. He always finds a way to get out of it and make me look like the bad guy.

laughing on the inside

My H had impotence problem during his fling with OW -- during (false) recovery, he said the problem was not better with OW, it was worse. So don't assume that there's no A because of this. My H is also clinically depressed -- that didn't slow him down, either.

Is the OW married?

No, I'm not in California with tremors. I have speed dial on my phone and its programmed with a phone card and 5 min. were used when I came home one night after being out. He said there were no calls, and when he makes calls, he always uses his cell phone if its long distance, but her # would show on the cell phone ,but if he uses our phone with the calling card, I'll never know who he called. But I don't think he realizes I could check the minutes used. I will keep watching. She is a widow since 2000. A nice looking woman, drives a cadilac too. I sometimes feel like going and talking to her, but that would put me in a bad position, but I know it would make me feel good. But at the point I'm in with all this, I think I might take a swing at her so I better stay away. Time will tell. I do need some ideas to track him while he is on his route all day to keep something on the truck that says all places he goes. Any ideas. I see things on the internet to put on, has anyone tried any of these? If after all measures of watching him for the next 6 months I don't find anything, I think I'll feel more secure. Someone was right, I can't do this forever, but I do want to make sure he is being honest with me.