Hello All:

I desperately need some answers and I hope some of you with the similar turmoil could help.Here is my situation:

married for 11
2 beautiful daughters ages 9 & 6.
wife started an affair 2 years ago .
she claimed it was only a one time thing and she were drunk.
we went through the pain which I am sure you all know what its like.I tried what this site suggested and worked things out.she seemed very much in love with me and I was in love with her.

Then 4 weeks ago I caught them on the phone at 11:30 at night and over heard that he is down the street waiting for her!

I go down & confronted him and said we need to talk and he just drove away. Then I called him at his house, he lives 3 blocks away ,and he said he had nothing to say to me and asked me not call him ever again.

Me being on the verge Plan B . I did everything I could to do make things work the right way.

suggested by the site and some of you, I informed his wife about the continuation of their affair.1st time I told her was 2 years ago and then now.

His wife was very casual about it and said that her husband says that its my wife who keeps calling him and she didn't seem to be too alarmed! she thinks it may be a telephone contact thing only!
He probably hides the whole thing from her by shedding some minor light on the issue such as it was only a telephone call and so forth. So any way I don't think me telling his wife did anything at all to help the situation!

To make my dreadfull life story short:

I am currently on antidepressent(zoloft). I am self-employed and have provided a very good life for my family for the past 12 years but now I can't do it anymore! I am not making any money because of this depression that i have been in and I am crippled financially.

I know you probably would say you must fight for your kids sake and I am belive me.. but then again I am supporting an Unfaithful wife whom has never worked a day since she has met me and doesn't want to work and help us in any way.

I told her to get a job in deparment store and she said that would be degrading and humilating!she has never gone to college either and refuses to get some sort oif degree!
and yet she likes to drive around in her mercedes benz that I make painfull monthly payment for! and just put on make up and dress real nice and be with her boyfriend when the kids are in school & I am work.

what do you do If you were me? she says she loves me but I know she sleeps with him in the day time while I am at work! she says she wants to make things work ! she loves me & the kids yet she sleeps with him! she says she doesn't like that guy but yet she sleeps with him! I pay the bills and work my [censored] off Yet she sleeps with him!
I forgive her 2 years ago and yet she sleeps with him!

I am just sick of my GOD DAMN life!

I feel that I don't love her anymore for all the pain she has brought upon me.not to mention all of our family & freinds.Yet I love and cherish my children and don't want to see them hurt.

I am doomed either way! if I stay in this nightmare marriage I am not going to be happy and will remain miserable forever and If I leave I am doomed again . I would lose my kids and the house and..... so forth.

The bottom line is that my wife to this day denys the affair and pretends that everything is nice and rosie!
She says be strong and lets put it behind us! I love YOU! that was just a one time thing two years ago and I just called him again 4 weeks because I was drunk and mad that his wife was pragnent again!! I am sorry she says!


But she slept with him 2 days ago!


What do I do here ?
Where do I take this to?
IS remaining in a sick marriage the solution? just because I love my kids!

I hate to sell our house and move to another state but even If I did that she probably will start a new affair in a new town with a new person!

I am thinking, US moving around or to another state is not the soltuion and she needs to get her acts together but she seems to be out of it! she is in a permanent FOG! anything I do or say does not effect her! she dosen't give a damn about my feelings in any form or shape!


I Can't Take it any more !
I Can't Take it any more !
Please somebody help me! tell me which way to go! What to do!
I am in dark and I don't see the light!

I have never done anything bad to anyone in my life!

why doesn't this pain end?

Please help me with your advice if you can and guide me through this nightmare !

Please somebody help me !

thank you very much for reading this post And I would be greatful for your replys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !

Yours Sincerely,
I-Hate-My-life

Okay, Hate-My-Life. The very first thing is to get a bit calmer. How long have you been on the Zoloft? It -does- kick in, but it takes a while. If you have been on it a while, please see your doc for a possible need to change meds. If you've just started it, please see your doc to get an interim tranquilizer.

Now, having said that, you've got a lot of careful thinking to do. You're surely in a very bad place in your life and I can understand your desperation. HOWEVER, that doesn't give you the right to bail on the whole thing. You've got two kids who need you to be their dad. Don't you dare check out on them.

So. What are you going to do? First of all, this is NOT the time for major decisions in your life. Got that? You're depressed, going through incredibly bad financial straits, and have a wife who may be having an affair.

My thoughts? First off, get your emotions under control. See above regarding your meds. I don't care what it takes, but DO NOT show these emotions to your wife. You MUST be:

CALM

COURTEOUS

RESPECTFUL

And if you can't do that, give yourself a time out. For days at a time, if need be. Don't give her the cold shoulder. Pass the salt when you're asked to, answer the "do you want to have dinner now" questions, and don't do any more than that.

When you can be calm and courteous and respectful, you can start to take other actions. For right now, though, that's enough.

And there are other things you need to do for yourself:

- Eat, even if you don't feel like it.
- Sleep, even if you have to get your doc to medicate you for this, too.
- Exercise, even if you think it's the worst thing on the planet.
- Read here. A LOT.

Have you read the MarriageBuilders principles? Have you read Harley's Surviving an Affair?

You did learn something from calling OM's W: she is in denial.

I will keep you in my prayers. You can survive this. Remember, YOU ARE THE GOOD GUY. The OM doesn't deserve to lick your dirty boots. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Get some counseling ASAP. Given my current problems with my WW I am hardly in a position to be an authority of fixing things up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, I do know that after a month of despair and being numb emotionally, I am starting to come around. It takes time.

Hello Hust J & a.tmartin:


Thank you for your replies JustJ, I have been on zoloft for 1 month and belive me it has been a huge Help tremandously. But I am just tired . it has been 2 years! and I can't do anything about but to dismantle my life.

Time is a healing factor but not in a case of ongoing affair.
This a mental sore and it punctures your sole and it stays with you for life.
Have you stayed married because of your kids and bite the bullet?
if you have please let me know the experience.
again I thank you for your reply.

Until next time,
I hate my life

Hello,

There is an old saying "No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change." There seems to be no consequences to her actions at all from you so why should she change? She says she loves you but from you message it sounds more like she loves her lifestyle and money that you provide and does not wish to lose it. Contact an investigator and have a hidden camera installed in your bedroom.

It seems obvious that she does not care about humiliating and disrespecting you by continuing to have the affair and continuing to have sex in your home and in your bed. She continues to do this because you allow her to do this without consequences. I would strongly suggest you contact an attorney to understand your legal options. If want you say is true then all you have become is a sugar daddy to a woman without education and without any desire to work who engages in pursuit of her own selfish desires. Here words are meaningless based on her actions.
You provide her with a mercedes while she screws another man in your bed? What is wrong with this picture? See an attorney and stop this self-abuse you are engaging in. Are you going to wait until you get an STD or she is caught in bed by someone else? Why are you accepting this? Is this the way you wish to spend the rest of your life?
Your wife is getting off humiliating and disrespecting you. Why do you give her this power? Hire a private investigate, install a camera and catch her and see a lawyer. It is your life and you have the power to decide how you wish to live it. Start acting and stop reacting. I wish you luck.

Ihatemylife


Listen to the advice that has been given:

1) Contact an attorney
2) Hire PI to find out quickly or install camera
3) Don’t react – ACT

Contact a Counselor for yourself pronto. You need someone to talk to and advise. Call your doctor about increasing the dosage of the anti-depressant. Ask for medication for anxiety.

When you get angry and depressed go outside and walk around the block until you calm down and begin to think clearly. Don’t let her push your buttons. YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS – IT’S NOT HOPELESS.

Keep posting comments and questions and vent to us. We’re here to help.

Beau

ihatemylife,

Number one, you DO NOT hate your life. You have two beautiful daughters who need you and love you and there are a lot of people (many on this board) who are praying for you and are there for you when you need it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! Second, you need to talk this through with people who care and there is one such person right here. I'm not even sure if I am supposed to do this but my hotmail address is billnf@hotmail.com. Add me to your contact list on MSN (if you don't use MSN messenger, start using it please) and I will make time to chat with you anytime you need me. If I am offline, send a message to my phone using MSN messenger(if you can't figure out how I will email you instructions) and I will get to a computer. Why am I being so forceful? Because I HAVE BEEN THERE, our stories are extremely similiar and I know what your frame of mind is right now. Better than almost anyone around, I know what you are going through, because I HAVE BEEN THERE. My STBXW stayed home, refused most work because it was "beneath her" and carried on a three year A while I provided for the family. Nine times she swore it was over and nine times my hopes and dreams were shattered. I was convinced that keeping the family together at all costs was best for my boys, but I was wrong. They are doing better now than they have for a long time. I'm not saying you should give up on your M, but whichever way it goes, you need to talk about it.

Here also is a link to my story which I posted last week:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=025574#000005

I want you to read it so you can see that there can indeed be a happy ending for you as there is for me. I have someone new in my life and while we are taking things very slowly at least until our D's are final, we have found a love more precious than I have ever known. I have been down the road you are taking now and I not only survived, but I thrived and SO WILL YOU! The pain does end and you will move on with your life and you WILL find happiness again. I know you are worried about losing your kids and house, etc. but that does not have to happen. I didn't lose either my kids or my house and now I enjoy the best revenge possible - I am happy, truly happy in my life.

No matter which route your M takes, you will find peace and joy and happiness again. Please trust me on that, and remember, I will be available if you need someone.


Take Care of Yourself,

B

Hello BryanP & auto9988:


Thank you very much for your reply. Bryan, you are 1 million percent right! I have been providing her with all and she is not respecting me in any way.
I have spoken to some attorney's and they all want a upfront retainer of $ 6000 dollars to proceed with a divorce filing and I want to save this for the time i am really going to get divorced and not merely scare her.

I am in pain about my kids and their future. she is unable to carry on without me she is absolutely lazy and has no skills or any desire to acquire one.

I have proof for myself and having seen the other man in the bottom of my driveway at 11:30 at night is plenty of prooft not to mention her telephone conversation which I over heard.

I don't know about your state where you live but in the northeast you don't need to have a proof for adultery. you just file your divorce based On that infedlity and it doesn't come to any considration that one spouce were unfaithful to the other. The laws only cover the aftermath of the doomed marriage .
They only talk about allimony,child support and division of the state and personal posessions.

You are absolutely right but I don't have the strength both emotionaly & financially to pull this off.

You words are exaclty as mine except I am scared about my kids, my own futureand and everything.....

It is so hard to destroy a life time of hard work. socially, emotionally, mentally and financially speaking , I don't have the strength to end it!
What Would you do?
This is a nightmare ! but I am so very greatfull for your replies. and sorry about my spelling and so forth I get so taken by the subject that I lose the ability to correct myself.

Thank you,
hatemylife

All right, you who are not in love with your life.

Have you considered putting the kids in the car and leaving? Stopping the car payments, the house payments, the utility payments, all of it?

YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS.

(Don't do this without calling Cerri first, please. And make sure you take the kids with you.)

You are providing ALL of the financial support. It's YOURS. Not hers. And if you take the kids with you, then YOU are the one providing for them in terms of their daily existence, not her. Let her stew in THOSE juices for awhile, buster.

And remember, DO NOT DO THIS without contacting a professional first. Penny Tupy (Cerri) is one such professional. Check her out at www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com. You do NOT have to be a doormat if you don't want to.

You DO have to get your head on straight about what you want. If that means you need to leave for a few days or weeks, fine. But take your kids with you.

IHML you have got to consider the very serious possibility that you may face divorce anyway if your WW decides to file for divorce. My advice is for you to research as much as you can about your legal options and obligations if you were to be hit with divorce, not so much because you will go through with it but to be as much prepared as possible if your WW decides to make a preemptive strike and file first. It is much better for you to be the one to plan your divorce thoroughly than to be blindisided by your WW.

Forgive me if I sound harsh and insensitive to your plight but I have been where you are right now and I can tell you that I never got anywhere when I was wallowing in self-pity. No, things only got better for me when I decided that I was going to take action do what was right for me and my daughters, and that no matter how things came out, it was going to be infinitely much better than the status quo. I hope that you also come to the same conclusion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ihatemylife:
<strong>What do I do here ?
Where do I take this to?
IS remaining in a sick marriage the solution? just because I love my kids!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get MB counseling ... (it is way cheaper than your retainer)

Why ? ... I want you to go to plan B but you have to get MB conselor to help you out.

Your situation is exactly the same way like mine. I did plan A for 6 months before my exW filed. I am Dv now and I am happier and I earned my way out of my M.

-rh-

ihatemylife--

Please, do not hate your life. I really wish that I could express my true feelings to you right now. It's 4:00 am here and I've not slept in 2 days, even though I try.

Reading your post brings back so many reminders of what you are experiencing and the others who have posted have given you some good advice. Follow it, it will do you well.

Regardless of what you or your wife decides to do you have to be able to take care of your daughters. I guess that's why I am up so late, trying to figure that very thing out.

Listen to these people, there is light out there somewhere, you just have to get throught these moments or months and then move slowly on. I know....a lot eaiser said than done. It HURTS when you love one so much and and for all pratical purposes you continue to get treated like dirt.

You and your family are in my prayers.

God bless.

When you start losing your love for syour wife and she is still seeing OM, time for Plan B. I've been on it for 6 weeks today, and it really helps. You will be able to detach emotionally and get off the rollercoaster. I would also let W know that because of financial problems, the car has to go. Rent her an apartment and tell her she will need to get a job. Explain that there are financial difficulties and it's time for her to pitch in. Tell her you want to stay together, but not under these circumstances. Good luck and keep posting, it really helps.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ihatemylife:
I did everything I could to do make things work the right way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">whippit: 'everything? tell me the last 100 things you did.'
ihml: 'i haven't done 100 things.'
whippit: 'then tell me the last 50 things.'
ihml: 'i haven't done 50 things, either.'
whippit: 'how about the last dozen things.'
ihml: 'it hasn't been a dozen, either.'
whippit: 'so you haven't done everything yet?'
ihml: 'no.'

now, ihml, breathe. deeply.

you've gotten some awesome advice already. the worst thing you can do right now is ignore it.

IHML:

You need some levity:

Consider trading that Mercedes in on a slightly used AMC Pacer? Not a babe magnet, by any means, but not an OM magnet, either.

Maybe one with a primered right front fender?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
-ol' 2long

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>